Thanks go to NenyaQuende for Agent Quen, PotCsues for Lady Contrivance, and Megan@Midnight for the use of Jira and Shmuckleigh, all of whom are used with permission.  As always, Writer from Rivendell’s betaing is much appreciated.

Note: This chapter does contain some foul language above the PG-13 rating.  This is due to a short but lovely author’s rant that “Irish-Pride” decided to put up instead of her story, which she removed once people berated her about her grammar issues.  It’s quite amusing, but if you don’t wish to read it, stop here or just skip the words in bold near the end of the chapter.  Thank you.

 

_________________________________________________________________

“Hi, Quen.  You wanted to see me?”

 

Isaiah shuffled in, trying to look nonchalant about the fact that he had been called in to register more personal information with a rather pretty secretary, albeit a Generic Star Trek Alien one.

 

Quen nodded briskly, keeping up her own facade.  She wished she didn’t have to do this, but it was absolutely mandatory for the PPC to have certain things on record.  She’d start with the easy information first.

 

“Have you adopted any mini-Balrogs?”

 

Isaiah nodded mutely. 

 

Quen typed the information in.  “How many, and what misspelling?”

 

“Just one: Gordor,” Isaiah answered.  “I’d guess it’s a misspelling of ‘Gondor’, but there’s also a chance that someone forgot that ‘Mordor’ began with an ‘m’.”

 

“Ah.  Do you have any allergies to Bleeprin, Bleepka, or Anti-Lustin?”

 

“Not that I know of, although I’m not old enough for Bleepka.”

 

Quen nodded.  The records stated that Isaiah was going to turn 18 in July.

 

She hesitated before throwing out the next question, then steeled herself and asked matter-of-factly, “Lust objects?”

 

Isaiah started.  “Pardon me?” he asked in alarm.

 

Quen flushed a bluish green.  “Your lust objects.  The fictional characters that you love and admi—”

 

“I know that,” Isaiah interrupted.   “But why do you—why does the PPC need to know that?”

 

“Well, quite simply, the PPC doesn’t want its agents fangirling—or, in your case, fanboying—their L.O.s,” Quen answered, her expression sympathetic. “We can open portals to fictional universes and be close to our lust objects, not to mention our neuralisers that blot out any memory of uncanonical events.  It would be all too easy for a rogue agent to take advantage of that.  That’s why the penalty for harassing or fangirling L.O.s is very harsh indeed.”  Quen lowered her voice.  “Femmeslash no-drool videos featuring Maeluiwen.  Agent Nenya had to go through that ordeal when she drooled over Aragorn; I talked to her about it.”  Quen shuddered.  “I won’t forget that conversation in a hurry, Bleeprin or no Bleeprin.” 

 

“Oh, well, that does make sense.”  Isaiah suddenly found his shoes very interesting. “Well…couldn’t you use a nicer phrase, at least?” he asked, pained. 

 

Quen laughed.  “It’s not meant literally in all cases, you know.  The term was coined because so many Suvians and Suethors only pay attention to physical attributes.”

 

“It’s not very dignified.”  Isaiah shifted uncomfortably.  “Particularly in the case of high-born ladies.”

 

“Such as?” Quen tried not to appear interested while she asked the question.

 

Isaiah bit his lip.  He wished that there were more male agents in PPC Headquarters.  To recite his rather long list of infatuations in front of anyone was bad enough, but did it have to be in front of Quen?  He’d even rather do it in front of Mara; all she would do would be to make note of them composedly.

 

“In Lord of the Rings fandom, Lady Éowyn,” Isaiah began dejectedly.  “In Pirates of the Caribbean, Elizabeth Swann.  Star Trek, Seven of Nine and Ro Laren.  Forgotten Realms, Cattie-brie.  Tortall, Buri.  Harry Potter, Nymphadora Tonks...” the list continued, but after Isaiah got to Elizabeth Bennet from Pride and Prejudice, Quen motioned for him to stop and opened up a drawer of photos.  

 

They were obviously taken from the various official fanfiction universities—Lady Éowyn was wearing black leather and Nymphadora Tonks had a few residual Sue-splotches from a recent Vambiolaria outbreak.   As Quen held up each one in front of his face, she jotted down his reactions.  Mostly, his face went blank as he stared ahead stoically.  Only twice did he flush. 

 

Does not drool, faint, or kiss L.O. pictures, the secretary noted, more from gentlemanly restraint rather than lack of attraction, since his pupils dilate.

 

Quen nodded as she slipped the images back inside the filing cabinet.  “Thank you, Agent.  That’s all the interrogation for the moment.”  She smiled. “One last thing.” 

 

Isaiah braced himself.

 

“I need an updated agent photo.”

 

Isaiah sighed in relief and obediently stood with his back to a white projector screen. 

 

Quen focused the computer lens and zoomed in on his face, adjusting the angle carefully so that she didn’t accidentally lop off any of his strawberry blond hair.  Once he was in focus, she was about to press the button when she noticed a few light brown spots on his nose and cheeks.

 

He has freckles, she realized as she fussed with the camera angle.  How neat!  You can’t see them very well unless you get close to him, but they’re there. 

 

FLASH!

 

“All set,” she waved him cheerily out of the office.

 

___________________________________________________

 

“Regristration complete, then?”  Mara asked briskly as Isaiah entered the room, looking a bit flushed.

 

The new agent narrowed his eyes.  “Did you know that she was going to do that?  Ask me about my lu—about my fictional obsessions?”

 

“I hadn’t an inkling,” Mara answered airily.  She gave him an inquiring look.  “What were, they, anyway?”

 

Isaiah huffed, “Just so you won’t pester me later—” and he went through the whole list again.

 

“A woman in every port, eh?” Mara chuckled.

 

“Oh, yeah?” Isaiah shot back.  “Well, what about you?”

 

Mara looked slightly smug. “I have none.”

 

“None?”

 

“That’s right.  None.  In any fandom.”

 

Isaiah’s eyes grew round.  He blinked several times.

 

“You’re a freak, you know, Mara.  Not even Captain Jack?”

 

“No,” Mara admitted.  “He’s a splendid character, but he’s not for me.  It’s a good thing, too.  He features so prominently in all the Suefics--”

 

BEEEEEEP!

 

“I think you said a naughty word, Mara,” Isaiah joked.   Mara had started across the room, but Isaiah was closer.  He leaned in towards the console and stared, perplexed at what was written there.  “Well, he features so prominently in <i>almost</i> all the Suefics, at any rate.  This seems to be focused on the Turner family.  I think.”

 

Mara stared at him warily.  “You think?”

 

“Well, not only are there several characters that don’t belong there and who are royally screwing up the story, but at least one canonical seems to be...er, disposed of.”

 

Mara squared her shoulders as she saddled her backpack. “Killed off.”

 

“You could say that.  I’d really rather not elaborate, not while there are breakable objects in the room.”

 

Ignoring that, the female agent continued, “What’s the status of the story as far as technical errors are concerned?”

 

“Well, let’s just say there are many errors of omission...you know, periods.  Correct usage.  Logic.”

 

“How many uncanonicals?”

 

 “Let me try and phrase this carefully...do you remember the five Sue fic that had Rosie up all night?”

 

“Yes, you mentioned i—oh, no, Isaiah, don’t tell me—augh.  FIVE?”

 

“Well, at least four.”

 

Mara clapped her hand to her forehead. “Why meeeee?”

 

“Come, now. Agent Mara wouldn’t be melodramatic, would she?” Isaiah teased.

 

Mara scuffed her left boot on the floor.  “She would, but she shouldn’t be. Sorry. Okay.  I’m calm now.  Angry, but calm, and very ready to kill.”

 

Isaiah took his customary deep breath.  “Chapter One...here we go!”

 

____________________________________________________________

 

Chapter One: <b>Disowner</b>: <i>I don't have POTC on DVD or LOTR four disc DVD!</i>

“Disowner?” Mara voiced her incredulity.  “She’s disowning PotC?” 

 

“How do you know it’s a she?” Isaiah countered.

 

Mara gave him a look.

 

“Pirates of the Caribbean fanfiction. Right,” said Isaiah hastily.

 

“That, plus I did a search for her name in the text.  She inserts herself into the story later on.”

 

“Oh, goody.  Say, Mara, I believe the disclaimer supposed to say that she doesn’t own the <i>storyline</i> to Pirates of the Caribbean as opposed to the DVD.  Plagiarism ahoy.  And what does Lord of the Rings have to do with anything—unless,” Isaiah glanced down at the words.  “Oh, good,” he said in relief.  “It doesn’t look like a crossover.”

 

“Moving on,” interrupted Mara.  Shaking her head, “Two charges already and we’re not even on the actual story yet.”

 The first scene started with Will Turner reading a message out loud, presumably to his family.

        <i>"It's been eighteen years since we last met, when I had to leave Port Royal so I wouldn't get hung again."</i>

 

 The writer of the letter, whom the readers were told was Jack, even if it didn’t sound like him at all, said that he had found some interesting news and that he would come over “on the Tuesday week.”

 

“The Tuesday Week?” Mara cocked her head to one side.

 

“Don’t ask me.” The feather of Isaiah’s quill quivered as he wrote down the first of the charges.

<i>"Is that from Jack?" asked Wills daughter</i>

“Thick as a whale’s blubber, are we?” Mara scowled.  ‘“Is that from Jack?’” she mimicked.  “No, it’s from all of the <i>other</i> guys Will knows that had to leave Port Royal so they wouldn’t get hanged.”

<i>"Yes it is, Shay Leigh." Will replied</i>

Mara took out her clipboard.  “Why no periods, I wonder?”

 

“It’s probably more dramatic, in the author’s eyes,” Isaiah answered.  “Think about it—a story full of cliffhanger sentences!  The suspense is killing me!”

 

“Uh, actually, that would be the utter inanity of this heroine.  I mean, <i>Shay Leigh?</i>

 

“She might be named after a Forgotten Realms elf,” Isaiah suggested. 

 

Mara pursed her lips in displeasure.  “Really.”

 

Isaiah nodded.  “She was featured in part in the Cleric Quintet, which I never finished.  But I did read about her in ‘Servant of the Shard.’  The name was Shayleigh, not separated by spaces.  But still, it might be more than a coincidence.”

 

“And I thought it was merely an insult to the name ‘Leigh.’  Pity. I was looking forward to informing Agent Leigh that some Sue has decided to corrupt her name.” Agent Shmuckleigh was one of the few other Pirates of the Caribbean PPCers—one who was much nastier in handling Sues than either of the two DTE agents.

 

“Maybe we should introduce her,” Isaiah volunteered.

 

Mara gave him a slight grin, obviously trying to control her delight at the idea, and failing.

 

Elizabeth asked if she and her husband should tell Shay Leigh’s Will—or something like that.  The agents thought she meant to say “Tell her, Will” instead of “Tell her Will,” but one was never quite sure what this kind of narrator had in mind.   Will responded by saying that Elizabeth should be in bed because of her condition, whereupon, the agents were informed, Elizabeth obediently stayed in her chamber for the remainder of the week.

“Making Elizabeth into a docile woman,” Isaiah charged the Sue.

 

 “She’d have to be deathly ill to go meekly to her room like that, and even then she’d probably resist,” Mara contributed. 

 

Isaiah shivered.  “I’d rather you didn’t say that.”

 

“What?  It’s not true.”

 

“No...the part about her being deathly ill.”  He deepened his voice and said crustily, “‘S bad luck to be sayin’ a Elizabeth’s deathly ill in Suefic, mark my words.”

 

Mara poked him with her pen.

 

Will reiterated the Pirates of the Caribbean backstory about Bootstrap Bill, saying that he thought of going off with Jack afterwards but couldn’t leave his daughter.

 

“How...sweet.  Except that Will would never have left <i>anyway</i>,” Mara emphasized.  “Leaving out two periods.  Inserting an extra one instead of a comma.  Having not two, but three sentences smashed together into one run-on.”

<i>"It's getting late you should also be in bed." Will said

"But dad I'm seventeen now cant I stay up a bit longer?" Shay Leigh asked.</i>

Isaiah clapped a hand over his mouth and snickered.  “Seventeen?  She sounds like she’s seven.”  Mara saw his hand go to his head briefly.  The lack of proper punctuation was dizzying.  Then there was the fact that Will had just told his daughter to save her strength so that she could help him at the...armoury...the following day.

 

“The…uh, smithy, you mean?” Mara tsked. “I’m pretty sure the armory is up at the fort, dearest.  You could at <i>least</i> not make Will ignorant of something in his own profession, if you do insist on dumbing him down.”

 

‘“Ok’ is <i>not</i> a word yet.”  Isaiah shook his pen, getting a last squiggle out of it before it gave out.  Sighing, he took out a spare from his bag in the pause before the next section began. 

 

“A week later,” Isaiah glanced at the Words, “and Jack’s arriving at the Turners—missing apostrophe—residents.  Residents?  Oh, residenCE.  Stupid Sue.”

 

Several unnamed residents now appeared to be waiting for the pirate captain.

 

“This one’s a real dullard.  There’s no denying it.”

 

“Dullard?”

 

“I brought my thesaurus,” Mara answered smugly.  “We do represent the Department of Technical Errors.  I’m going through all the synonyms for idiot.”

 

Isaiah laughed.  “Perfect.”  He took a dictionary out of his bag.  “Let’s see how many insults we can heap on her before we’re finished—oh, honestly, put some PERIODS in!  That’s two more that you’ve missed, and one that you’ve put in place of a comma!  Clod.”

 

“Harebrain.”

 

“Dunderhead.”

 

“Cretin.”

 

“Nincompoop.”

 

“Insult to the Uncommon Comma.”

<i>"I hope he isn't drunk." Said Will thinking back to the tipsy Jack you nearly costed both his and Elizabeth's lives.</i>

Isaiah clenched his teeth.  The splotchy narrative was jarring.

 

“Incomprehensibility…rising…what the heck is ‘COSTED’?!  And why the shift to second person?”

 

Mara shushed him, motioning to Shay Leigh.  The agents were dressed as household servants and were conveniently standing at attention near the stairwell while Will and Elizabeth reminisced about the good old times.  Isaiah and Mara decided to take their cue from the canonical couple and started conjuring up fond memories.

 

“Remember when You/Jack fics weren’t in existence yet?”

 

“Ah, wonderful times those were.  And d’you recall when there were nearly as many Mary Sue parodies as there were Mary Sues?”

 

“And most of them were actually viable parodies, not the random hallucinations of a saccharine-drugged teeny-bopper.” 

“Hey, we need to stop reminiscing.  Someone just knocked on the door.”  Isaiah watched attentively as Will opened the door and found...

 

“Jack and a couple of guys show up at the <i>front door</i>?  Good grief!  Are they trying to get Will thrown in prison?  And what is that...thing?”  Isaiah pointed to an ambiguous figure at the captain’s side.

It was, according to the Words, a “teenager”. 

 

“A teenage what?” demanded Mara.

 

Unfortunately, the story didn’t describe anything about the teenager’s appearance or even its gender; consequently, the figure shown was disturbingly androgynous.

<i>"So dad is that Jack."</i>

 

“Leaving out question marks,” Isaiah said.  “Calling Will ‘Dad’.  And please tell me that...lunkhead...hasn’t cloned Will.”

 

Indeed, the man standing in the doorway appeared to be an exact replica of the blacksmith.

 

“Not quite,” said Mara evasively, reading ahead.  She wasn’t keen on watching Isaiah react.

<i>"Let us in and Ill explain everything to ye." Said Jack.</i>

Mara clutched her stomach.  “Ugh.  Hate this punctuation.  Hate hate hate hate...merciful Tlaloc!  Jack and Anamaria have a son named Tiernan!” She gestured agitatedly towards the formerly sexless teen.

 

“At least he has a proper gender now,” Isaiah pointed out.  “So where’s Anamaria?”

 

“Let’s see.  Oh, of course.  She died of some mystery illness.”

 

Isaiah rolled his eyes.  They’d all heard that one before.

<i>"And this guy here names Phil" said Jack getting out papers from his pocket. "He's your twin brother."

"I have a brother." Said Will at the same time as Shay Leigh was saying

"I have an Uncle."

"Hello Will." Said Phil</i>

Isaiah’s pen shook as he tried to get a hold over himself.  Phil.  Will’s twin brother… <i>Phil</i>.

 

“You’re not going to explode, are you, Isaiah?” his partner asked anxiously.

 

Silence.

 

Then, “Mara?  Give me that thesaurus.”

 

Mara sighed in relief and she handed him the book.  She’d thought he’d be angrier, especially considering the revelation that was about to come next.

 
<i>"Will do you know what happened to ye dad?" Jack asked.</i>

“Never mind the fact that Jack doesn’t say, ‘Ye’—this Sue can’t even have him say ‘yer’ properly,” Isaiah muttered.  “The dense, dim-witted, brainless...” he searched for effective closure.  “...Blight upon nature,” he concluded with alliteration. 

 

Meanwhile, Jack informed Will of the stunning, novel idea, which hadn’t occurred to anyone else (especially fanfiction writers): Bootstrap Bill was <i>actually alive</i>.  Next, Jack got around to introducing the other as-yet-anonymous man in the doorway.
 
<i>"Oh yeah this is James my new first mate. Gibbs also got sick and died."</i>

“Gibbs, too? Oh, hello, Lady Contrivance.” Mara nodded in greeting to a human-sized marionette that danced by, the Wires of Author Power Abuse attached to her form making her head and limbs move as well as holding up her trailing cape.  “What a pleasure to see you again.”

 

Lady Contrivance smiled and did a little jig upside-down in the air.

 

“You know her?” Isaiah stared at Mara, one eyebrow raised.

 

“Oh, yes, we’re old friends.  It comes of being a longtime PPCer.”

 

At that moment, after an inane comment from James, the chapter ended.  Out of curiosity, Isaiah eyed the author’s note.

 

<i>Sorry its short but it's the best I've got for now. Ill update soon. Please send me reviews! PLEASE!</i>
 

“Wow...haven’t seen begging so shameless since my mini-Balrog set my shirt on fire in a plea for bacon.”

 

He and Mara looked at each other.

 

“Should we send one?”

 

“Oh, don’t worry.  Several other constructive criticism reviews are on their way.  Thank you, PotCsues and company.”

 

“In that case, let’s go and see what the next chapter is ab...” Isaiah’s voice caught in his throat.

<i>Weeks passed and slowly Elizabeth got sicker.</i>

 

“CURSE YOU FOR BREATHING, YOU SLACK-JAWED IDIOT!” Isaiah roared at the Sue.

 

“What did I tell you about stealing lines?” Mara barked back at him. 

 

“Gibbs isn’t here to say them, is he?” Isaiah replied, casting a resentful glance Shay Leigh’s way. “I’m just filling in.”

 

They both dived for cover as the Mary Sue whirled around.  She blinked a few times, tapped her ear with one hand, and frowned, bewildered.  Then she realized that she had to innocently ask what was wrong with her mother.

“She’s stuck in a Suefic and surrounded by idiots calling themselves canonicals, in addition to one pathetic self-insert and Lady Contrivance, who makes a terrible nurse.  I’d feel under the weather, too.”  Isaiah seemed to be involved more than usual in the fic, though he had only displayed one outburst of anger.  Mara didn’t blame him.  Seeing Elizabeth wasting away because of some lame invention of a disease made her seethe.

<i>"She's ill, and she won't get better." Said Will</i>

 

Lady Contrivance gleefully touched her nose to her elbow as she saluted the agents with her left foot.

Shay Leigh inquired if her mother was going to dye.

Isaiah scoffed. “Oh, no!  She’s going to stain that pretty dress!  Don’t dye, Elizabeth!”

 

“I thought you’d be more furious, Isaiah,” Mara voiced her surprise.  “I would have had to hold my last partner back from pummeling Shay Leigh to death.”

 

“Not for killing <i>her</i> off.” Isaiah jerked his head scornfully towards Uncanon!Elizabeth.  “She’s neither clever nor brave.  If I’m angry, it’s because she warps Elizabeth’s personality and <i>then</i> kills her off once she has no more use for her.  Also, humiliation of controlling Sues is sweeter than actual pain.”

 

“True, true.  Heh, look, Elizabeth has the same disease as a misspelled monkey—Ana Maria! No one has a name for it yet, though.  How curious.”

 

“Plotholeitis,” Isaiah answered confidently.

 

Shay Leigh then escaped to her room and cried so that Tiernan, her lus—her True Love could comfort her.

<i>"I know how you feel, I once felt the same when I found out my mum was"

Before Shay Leigh knew what she was doing she pashed Tiernan.<i/>

“She <i>pashed</i> him? What the devil…”  Mara’s forehead wrinkled. 

 

Isaiah took out his dictionary and read aloud. “Pash: )A romantic infatuation or the object of such an infatuation.”

“So she…infatuated him, I suppose.”

“Nuh-uh.” Isaiah shook his head.  “Worse than that.  Look down at the Words.”

“Isaiah...”

“Mara, look down.”

“I think I’m going to develop a fear of heights,” Mara grumbled as she forced herself to scan the page.

<i>"Oh my god," Shay Leigh said pulling away "I'm so sorry."

"No don't be." Said Tiernan kissing her again.</i>

 

Mara turned away in disgust.  Romance did not interest her in the least, and when it was Mary Sue romance, she found it downright sickening. 

 

All of a sudden, the agents were yanked forward into the next scene without so much as an introductory phrase. 

 

<i>"Oh my god!" Ashlee screamed, " Look at this Picture of Orlando Bloom as Will Turner."

"Is Johnny Depp in there?" said Lauren looking over Ashlee's shoulder at the magazine.</i>

“YAAAAH!” yelled the agents, clutching their stomachs after the swift transition.  Mara, being the veteran, was the first to her feet.  Clipboard in hand, she examined the girls in front of her critically. 

 

Isaiah tried to get his bearings.  “Orlando Bloom...teenage girls...PotC...whatthe...”

 

With a glance of dread, Mara glanced at her partner.  “Fangirls.”

 

“I know,” Isaiah answered.  “But why here?  Where is here, anyway?  Didn’t this story just take place in the colonial era?”

 

“It did,” Mara affirmed. “It appears that we’ve shifted to another time—good thing that we’re fairly young as ourselves.  The disguise generator didn’t keep up, so we’re still in our uniforms.  Oh, well.  More Sues to kill, I s’pose.  And we can brag to Rosie that we killed six--”

 
<i>"Is it a good picture of him?" Amanda asked Ashlee.

"Yeah, he is so hot!" Ashlee replied.</i>

“Make that seven. And how about saying something like, I don’t know, he’s a good actor?”  Mara sniffed.  “Foul fangirls.  Not interested in anything but his looks.  How insulting.”

 

“Yet they claim to be great fans of his,” Isaiah pointed out.

 

“Yeah, fans of his...body.”  Mara had been about to phrase it somewhat differently, when both the eighth Sue and an out-of-place historical reference caught her attention.  Maggie noted that the bell was about to ring and informed Ashlee that they had history with Cortez next.  Lauren yelled “Pirates!” and Amanda remarked that Cortez had been in Pirates of the Caribbean.

“No he frickin’ WASN’T!” Mara shredded the ends of the charge list in agony.  “He was <i>mentioned</i>.  He lived more than a century before the PotC date, and even the way he was mentioned--”

 

Isaiah tapped her shoulder.  “Uh, you might want to quite ranting and see this.”

 

“No.  I’d rather rant and not see—unh, not again!”

 

Just as abruptly, both the agents were yanked back into the setting of Pirates of the Caribbean.  They found themselves in Tortuga.  Mara and Isaiah were, fortunately, back in their pirate disguises, and didn’t really need to hide from the Sues, as smoky and noisy as the tavern was.  The four fangirls were now, for some inexplicable reason, 38-year-old women dressed as pirates. 

 

“Causing yourselves to change to the age of your lust object,” Isaiah charged.  “Yanking the readers from one setting to the next without a mention of time or space shift.”

<i>"Hey, at least we are in Pirate clothes and pants and stuff, if we were in dresses I'm sure we would be counted as hoers!" said Lauren helpfully.</i>

Isaiah spluttered.  “Hoers--as in, people who hoe?  You ignoramus, there are no <i>farmers</i> in the middle of Pirates of the Caribbean!”

 

Indeed, the buxom wenches in the tavern were suddenly decked out in blue jean suspenders, red long-sleeved plaid shirts, straw hats, and sturdy boots—in addition to hoes, of course.

<i>"We're in trouble aren't we Mandy?" Maggie asked Amanda.

"We sure are." She replied.</i>

 

Mara’s voice was flat.  “You have no idea, my pretties.”  The agents then held onto each other as a setting shift hit again, and they were once more at the Turners’ house, listening to Jack’s new first mate, James, lament the tragic illness and death.  Sadly, the morbus inventum laying waste to the PotC canonicals had also claimed another victim—James’s brother, Enid.

“ENID?” howled Isaiah, now quite riled by the constant changes of scenery and the fact that they were still dressed as pirates, and thus had to huddle behind a bureau to escape notice.  “That’s a woman’s name, you nimrod!  She was Geraint’s wife in the Arthurian legend!”

 

Mara looked impressed.  “Didn’t know you knew that.”

 

“I enjoy sagas and epics from every time period,” Isaiah said, somewhat calmer, his quill recording the <i>second</i> gender-bender offense of the story.

 

The next bit of the fic centered on Elizabeth’s death and Shay Leigh’s denial of it (<i>“No she can’t of!”</i> the Sue tearfully bungled her grammar), followed by Jack bringing his son upstairs to hide/talk.  This resulted in Jack carrying the full-grown Stu up the stairs, whereupon they crouched beneath a large desk and began talking.

 

Causing Jack and Tiernan to hide/talk was not the last of the interesting incidents that were to follow.  Once more, the scene shifted without introduction, and they found themselves near Governor Swann and his maid.

<i>"Anne, I think Ill go see Elizabeth, you know she has been unwell lately." Governor Swann said to his maid

"Yes, Ill look after the house whilst your gone, sir." Replied Anne</i>

“There’s our buddy ‘Ill’ again.”

 

“Must have something to do with that mysterious sickness that all of the females are catching.”

 

“They weren’t all females, though.”

 

“Oh, I forgot.  Enid…the, hem, <i>brother</i>.  Right.  Like I said…”

 

“Gibbs caught it, too, so don’t make a eunuch joke,” Isaiah warned her.

 

“Wasn’t going to,”  Mara said defensively as someone knocked at the door. 

 

It was Will.

 
"Sir, you must come, Its Elizabeth, she . she's." but before Will could finish his sentence he started crying. "Died."

The Governor and Will then ran back to the house where Elizabeth was lieing on a table Shay Leigh sitting with her crying.

“Argh—demise—of—strong—character—defiled—with—bad—grammar—”

 

“No time to bemoan that, Isaiah,” Mara said regretfully. “Hold on.”  The scene shifted once more, and it was not an improvement.  Jack and his son the Stu were having a talk.  Apparently, Tiernan was denying the fact that he “had a thing” for the Sue, whereupon Jack started lecturing him on how he saw them kiss and Shay Leigh might be fourteen for all he knew.  Tiernan protested that he and Shay Leigh were seventeen and that it was just a kiss.

 

“Causing Jack to be straitlaced about his son’s romantic life.”

"I just hope you know she's living Port Royal with her dad next week and so are we." Said Jack

“Living Port Royal.  I wonder how exactly one does that.”

James then announced that they were going to look for “Wills dad” in Tortuga.

“Huh. I wonder how many Wills he haaaaaaaaa—aaaaaah!”

"C'mon lets see if we can find anyone from the movie, like Gibbs or Cotton or maybe even Jack." Said Amanda

"Yeah that's a great idea." Said Lauren thinking of how good Jack looks even when he's drunk.

"Well if we are going to find Jack I'm sure he would be in a pub drinking rum." Said Ashlee.

The agents both stopped to catch their breath at the sudden scene change.   The Puellae Modernae were still in the tavern as an old pirate asked them what four such ladies were doing there.

 

“Ladies?”  Isaiah frowned, puzzled.  “Aren’t they dressed as pirates?”

 

“Yep.”

WHACK!

 

Without warning or even provocation, Ashlee slapped the pirate.

 

“Any reason why she did that?”

 

“Nope.”

 

<i>"Do you know where Jack Sparrow is? Well do you!" she demanded.</i>

“Overaggressive hormonal teenager.  That would’ve gotten her a fist in the mouth, at the very least, from most of the men in here.”

The four women said (at exactly the same time) that Jack Sparrow was nearly hung in Port Royal.

“Hanged. Not hung. Hanged,” Mara said quietly.  “Note to Sue: the past tense ‘hung’ is from ‘hang’ as in hanging something on a wall.  The past tense of gallows-hanging is ‘hanged’.  Got it?”

<i>"Captain Jack Sparrow? I thought he was dead by now." Said another old man who had over herd the conversation.</i>

 

As the man inexplicably leaped over the herd of cattle that had suddenly appeared, Isaiah began to feel his will to live slip away.

The girls then began to rehash plot points from the movie, to the disgust of the agents.

“Let’s see...” Mara began to count on her fingers. “In this fic we have a daughter Sue, a son Stu, a brother Stu, a first mate Stu, four modern Sues, three canon characters killed off, and the story of PotC spouted off to some tavern oaf.  What did this score on the litmus tests?”

 

“121, more than 30 being a full-blown Sue,” Isaiah answered dully. “That’s without counting the technical errors in the charge list, too—oh, and as if that’s not bad enough, we have Bootstrap Bill escorting them down into the cellars for the night.  I tell you, the self-insertions reek.” Isaiah rested his head on his arm.  “Maggie is even named after the author.”

“Then, for the sake of your sanity, don’t look at the author’s note.”

 

Isaiah’s head came up.  “Now you’ve done it.  I have to see that note, now.” 

 

<i>Just for You, Ash and Amanda! 2 chapters in one day!</i>

”Make that THREE characters named after real life people,” said Mara sweetly.  Then, “Eru preserve us. A <b>SHE-PIRATE</b>?  WHA—”

 

Isaiah covered her mouth to prevent her from swearing too loudly.  While he was busy keeping control of Mara, he eyed the Words in trepidation.
 
<i>"Shay Leigh Anne Turner, your father and mother have already talked about this, your mother wants you to go and be a she pirate like your father and uncle!" said the Maid</i>

 

Mara tore Isaiah’s hand away.  “I’ll kill them.  All of them.  Do you hear me?  I shall flay the hides off them and incinerate what’s left.”

“Hardly an appropriate death,” Isaiah remonstrated wryly.  “We need something that fits the story better.”

 

“Speaking of the, hem, story, as we euphemistically call it, nothing much seems to be happening.  Nothing, that is, that hasn’t happened already in 10,000 other Suefics.”  Mara waved the activator enticingly.  “Care for a portal?”

 

“Yes, ma’am,” said Isaiah emphatically.  “Where would be a good place to re-enter the story?”

 

“Well, let’s see.  The Port Royal crew sails to Tortuga...in a <i>yacht</i>.   Then, without warning, the narrative flash-cuts to Bootstrap Bill telling his life story to the four ninnies in the pub, never mind the fact that they are complete strangers.  Maggie insists that she’s Irish and gets drunk, the Port Royal crew arrives, Maggie and Tiernan say, ‘Irish Pride’, the two groups meet up and go into a pub, Maggie thinks that Jack’s Irish, and insists upon it twice...you know, it’s fine to show your patriotic spirit every now and then, but this is absurd. Ah, here.  We’ll come up near the end of the chapter.” 

The agents clicked the activator, pausing only for one quick exchange between three of the modern girls, involving a most unusual insult:

<i>"That must mean everyone looks like the way they did in the movie." Said Ashlee

"You're a real Sherlock homes aren't you." Said Maggie</i>

“Using Sherlock Homes instead of Sherlock Holmes.”  Before Mara could contemplate the image of <i>Sherlock Homes: Real Estate for the Orthographically Impaired</i>, they had arrived.

 

“Anything egregious that we missed?” Mara peered over Isaiah’s shoulder.

 

Isaiah pushed his hair out of his eyes as he squinted at the page.  “Two glaring errors and a host of little ones.  First: Jack says, ‘Well I haven't been around here much but I herd it's a great place for people who like to hide.’”

 

As Isaiah spoke, Captain Jack Sparrow began to herd the same group of bovines that the man had leapt over earlier, and Mara put another charge on the list.

 

“Second: Maggie refers to Elijah Wood as ‘Elijah Woods’ <i>twice</i>.”

 

A mini-thespian emerged from the fic, covered in tiny trees, and scampered away.

”All right, on with the show.”

 

<i>"I feel a tad unwell..." Lauren said but she then fainted but was caught by a pirate.

"You alright luv?" he asked

************************************************************

Who is this pirate? Find out in the next chapter!</i>

 

“Who is it?” Mara repeated.  “The man said “Luv”, darling; there’s only one pirate that talks like that.  Or, rather, only one pirate who <i>should</i>.” 

“Next chapter,” Isaiah said in a resigned voice.

 

“<b>I need Chocolate!</i>” announced the author.

”Thanks for telling us!” Isaiah called back irritably.  As the chapter began, he checked his and Mara’s disguises.  They were still dressed in pirate garb.  With a swift nod to Isaiah, Mara sidestepped an entwined couple and hid behind a hogshead barrel.

<i>"Yes, thank yooooooouuuuu." Lauren said looking up into the man eyes; she then fainted again at the sight of Captain Jack Sparrow.</i>

Isaiah banged his head against the barrel repeatedly.

 

Jack told Phil that he had found his father, and that he swore that Phil and Bill were the same person.  Ashlee caught sight of her lust object.

 

<i>"Oh my god" said Ashlee fainting into Wills arms.</i>

The blatant fangirl collapsed into several pairs of arms belonging to a group of Wills.  The story had given birth to them after fertilization by a missing apostrophe.  This time, it was Mara’s turn to deflect attention from the fic by cranial collision.  In her case, it was an empty tankard she had swiped from a table.  Meanwhile, the group sat down together as if they were old friends, despite the fact that no one had ever met the four girls-turned-38-year-old-pirates before.  Of course, that meant that all four completely gained the trust of the others.  Shay Leigh wanted to know how the women could go to school.

 

<i>"Well, we're fourteen, well were." Said Maggie</i>

“Periods.  Periods.  <i>Periods,</i>” Isaiah repeated to himself.

<i>"Any way lunch was nearly over so we were going to get our books, but when we turned around we were here, in these clothes and at this age." Continued Amanda.</i>

Isaiah sulked as he wrote down, <i>Substituting period for comma.</i>  Mara laughed. 

 

“That was NOT what I meant by my chanting,” the male agent grumbled.

 

“And we’re back to rehashing the movie for the canon cast.  Yeesh, these Sues hit every cliché spot-on.”

<i>"Well, we figured out its 18 years since that Barbossa incident but what's happened since, where's Elizabeth, Anna Maria or Gibbs?" said Amanda

"Well they died of a illness, we don't know what it's called." Said Jack

"I would laugh so hard if it was Sars." Ashlee whispered to the other girls.</i>

“Yeah.  Real funny, that,” sneered Mara.

<i>"I'm Phil, Wills twin." Phil said

"And well I'm James, Jack new first mate." Said James

"I believe we met a sec ago." Said Maggie

"Oh, yes I am irish." Said James</i>

“Not again!”  Isaiah looked ready to tear out his eyeballs.  “Come on, Mara.  Let’s kill it, now.”

 

Suddenly, a few of Jack’s mutinous crew showed up.

 

Mara looked delighted.  “Ooh.  Lots of pain ahead for these two, I hope.”

Pintel, Ragetti, Bo’sun, Koehler, and Twigg grabbed the self-insertions, telling them that they were sorry to “brake” up the reunion and that they were trying to use women sacrifices to bring Barbossa back.

‘“Brake’ asides...Women sacrifices to bring back the dead?” Mara ground her teeth. “Most lame, inaccurate plot device <i>ever</i>!”

 

“What, the Aztecs didn’t sacrifice women?”

 

“Not really.  It was almost always men.  And <i>no one</i> would sacrifice to bring back the dead.”

 

The pirates had magically escaped from jail because the hole in the Port Royal prison hadn’t been fixed properly...during the approximately eighteen years between the time of PotC and the time of the fic...and not only that, but the pirates had miraculously retaken the Pearl.  They had stolen gold from the cursed chest again—as if they hadn’t learned their lesson the first time.  Isaiah saw no reason why the villains would bother to tell the girls about the details of the plan.  At least the pirates weren’t treating them like princesses.  Yet.

<i>"Don't speak until asked." Growled Bo'sun who then back slapped her.</i>

“Back<i>handed</i> her,” Isaiah groused, thumbing through the dictionary.  “‘Backslap: to demonstrate effusive goodwill.’” Bo’sun immediately gave off a sweet and pleasant smile and began to inquire after Amanda’s health.  The agents turned away from the once-villainous pirate mutineer, now simpering in a very disturbing way.

What was worse, the four girls yanked into PotC, not having particularly long attention spans, quickly got bored.  A brilliant idea surfaced.

 

<i>"Lets sing!" said Ashlee "Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me."</i>

 

 The song was excerpted nearly in its entirety.  Both agents immediately reached for their headphones and began humming to their music of choice, Isaiah to “The Bridge of Khazad-Dûm” and Mara to a relaxation CD titled “Peace and Quiet.”  The Sues were, happily, interrupted.

<i>"Shut up the lot of you!" yelled Bo'sun raising his hand.</i>

“Go, Bo’sun!” cheered Mara.

<i>"Hey, you can't hit all of." said Maggie but was cut of by Bo' sun's hand. "Ouch that kinda hurt, hahahahahahahahahahahahaha."

"What are you laughing at?" asked Shay Leigh

"He can hit me all day cause he hits like a what?" laughed Maggie

"A girl!" Said Lauren laughing</i>

 

Mara calmly rolled up her right sleeve.

 

“I’ll show them what a girl hits like, the—”

 

“No!” Isaiah grabbed her arm.  “No, no.  Not yet.   Soon.”

 

“When?  This is taking forever!  We’ve gotten to the major breaks in canon!”

 

“There’s still something left that you should see.  Come on, Mara, a little discipline—”

 

“<i>Don’t</i> preach to me of discipline.”  Mara stopped him with a baleful expression.  “I wasn’t planning on blowing our cover, just on killing them as soon as the villains leave them alone for a space.  It’ll be harder if the four modern Sues meet up with Jack, Tiernan and the Turner crowd.  We’ll have to tackle them all at once.”

 

“Don’t worry.”  Isaiah motioned for her to get back.  “I’ve read ahead.  I have a plan.”

 

Mara sighed as she leaned against the wall.  “Don’t you always?”

 

“Yes.  And they work.”

 

“I won’t dispute that.”  While the agents had been debating, Maggie had declared that her brother was more of a bully than Bo’sun.   Amanda got “positively annoyed” at the reiterations from the movies, which would have caused Mara to mutter about redundant fanfic writers being more at fault than the poor innocent canonicals.  Then Amanda told the pirates to shut up.  Despite threats of hitting them, the pirates did nothing.  As Mara and Isaiah came to a resolution, the scene shifted and the agents were once again back with Phil, Will Bill, and, bad grammar.  

<i>"Dammit dad, we must hurry!" yelled Tiernan

"Now boy, that what Will here did before and it nearly killed us." Jack replied</i>

“Ah,” Mara feigned a fangirl sigh.  “I so adore Tarzan!Jack.  He’s so…inarticulate.”

 

Isaiah made a face, which contorted further as the men discussed rescuing the young ladies.  The would-be swashbucklers arrived at the docks, at which point they were informed that the Black Pearl had been commandeered.  None of the characters looked surprised—in fact, Phil and Jack began discussing Phil’s ship, the Princess Mary.  Will then had to reiterate that the Pearl had been stolen—reminding Jack that the Black Pearl was his ship.
 

“INFAMY!” Mara hissed as loudly as was safe.  “Captain Jack does not act CASUAL about his SHIP being stolen!”

 

Both crews made their way through the caves, the four girls harassing the pirates at every opportunity, confusing them, insulting them, and generally haranguing them.  Finally, Ragetti told them, once again, to stow it, but was checked by Amanda’s snappy reply.

<i>"Seen it before." Said Amanda thinking quickly and smartly (as per usual.)</i>

The Sues, naturally, weren’t astonished in the least to see Will, Phil, Bill and company sneaking towards the evil pirates.  They distracted the brigands using diversionary insults that wouldn’t have sidetracked a small child, much less a group of seasoned pirates.  Naturally, the parents showed themselves, and the villain pirates had just decided to capture three of the girls when the story stopped for an author’s note.

”You have to read this, Mara.”

 

“Oh?”  Mara raised her eyebrows.

 

“It’s in response to the constructive criticism reviews that she got.”

 

“Ah.”  Mara cupped an ear and concentrated intently.

<b>Thank you rum040189, for being the one of the many people who don't bother with Grammar and only care about the story line which is the most important part of the story. I thank you for this.

Yes, this story was dedicated to my friends but I'd like to share this story with all people who are not grammar freaks and only care how interesting the story line is.

I am trying to have two chapters a day except on Sundays, which I will not be uploading any chapters unless they are writer notes like this.

Thank you yet again to those kind people who have sent me reviews saying they like this story and the names of the new characters.

And a special thanks to my friends for helping me.

Thank you. Irish Pride (Maggie)

P.S. Please send reviews!(

 

(Go the Irish!( I hope you all are enjoying my story! (</b>

“Ah, so now we’re grammar freaks,” Mara nodded.  “Makes sense.”

 

“I’d rather be a grammar freak than a careless writer,” Isaish said emphatically.  “Okay, I think we can skip the part where Ashlee thinks Will likes her and Lauren laments that she doesn’t have Jack, the pathetic recapitulation of Elizabeth’s rescue from Barbossa, the fact that Amanda and Maggie know how to fight, and, most hideous of all, Barbossa crammed into Elizabeth’s purple dress for no reason except the humiliation of a cool and savage villain.  Contrivance, is that you <i>again</i>?”

 

Mid-portal, the agents dropped back into the story to gaze in horror at the belittled Barbossa.

 
<i>"Sponge Bob Square Pants!"</i> Lauren said in a singsong voice, while Mara cocked her pistol.

The author’s note didn’t help matters:

 

 <b>((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((</b>

Pause.

 

“...Yeah.”

 

Shaking his head to clear it, Isaiah blocked out the remainder of the bad dialogue until finally the battle was joined.  “That’s our cue.  Get ready.”  He pointed at the Words and whispered in Mara’s ear.

<i>"Bring it on!" yelled Maggie</i>

“Indeed,” Mara smirked.

The four modern girls, Shay Leigh, the Stus, and the very few canonicals clashed with the five pirates from Barbossa’s old crew, Silly!Barbossa, and five other anonymous pirates.  Phil helped Amanda finish off a pirate, and then Amanda ran through another one with her cutlass.

 

Lady Contrivance began doing cartwheels up and down the stalactites.

 

<i>"I can't believe he talked to me!" she said to Ashlee.

"I can't believe you took out a pirate by yourself." Replied Ashlee

"It's easy, just swing your sword." Said Mandy as Ashlee did what she was told.</i>

 

There quickly followed the sound of palms quickly meeting faces.  This was repeated several times.  The agents recovered and prepared to join in the fighting.

<i>"Three down." Yelled Ashlee

"Make that four." Yelled Lauren as she did the same as Ashlee. (Lol Loz, you can hurt people (.)

"Five!" yelled Tiernan as he helped Shay Leigh on a second pirate

"Six!" Shay Leigh yelled out

"Seven!" Yelled Maggie

"Eight!" yelled Phil

"Nine!" yelled Will

"Ten!" yelled the girls yelled together taking down a huge pirate</i>.

 

<b>“Eleven.”</b>

 

Mara fired her pistol.  It hit Ashlee in the stomach.  She could be assured of a slow, painful death.

 

“Twelve!” Isaiah’s grapnel yanked Amanda by her hair and he knocked her head soundly against a stalagmite.

 

“Hey, this is kind of fun.”

 

In the melee, Isaiah wasted no time in grabbing Shay Leigh and Maggie, while Mara apprehended Tiernan and Phil, dragging them off after hitting them on the head with her gun.   Stupid!Jack didn’t even notice.  The agents sequestered them in an antechamber off the central cave. 

 

On his return trip, Isaiah scampered up the pile of treasure, until he was flooded with the light coming in from the cave.

 

Most of the villain pirates had been killed off.  The canonicals and Sues stared at them.

 

“You. Bo’sun!” Isaiah rapped out.  “Get over here!” 

 

Backslapping!Bo’sun grinned idiotically and followed Isaiah to the small cave without a second thought.  Dumbfounded—or perhaps simply dumb—the other characters stared after them, not comprehending.

 

Mara came out to join Isaiah soon after.

 

 “Aren’t you going to call out to Stupid!Jack?” Isaiah asked.

 

Mara, tight-lipped, said, “I think we’ll try leaving him out of this particular PPCing.  Did you get Mandy and Ashlee?  They’re still alive; they need to be char—” she stopped as she caught sight of Lauren.  “Excuse me.”

 

Lauren got her sword ready, sure that she, a fourteen-year-old girl with no fighting experience and in a 38-year-old body that she hadn’t become accustomed to, could take anyone on.  Mara feinted to the right, caught Lauren’s sword arm in her left hand and lashed out with her gun muzzle.  The cutlass clattered to the ground.  The agent moved in.  She was not a perfect warrior by any means, but she had gone regularly to PPC weapons training for six years, and most of her field work had been in the Lord of the Rings fandom.

 

Whack!

 

Isaiah jumped.

 

Lauren was laid out flat on her back, eyes wide and terrified at the figure looming over her.

 

“Wh—why are you--”

 

Enraged, the canonicals hurried to her rescue.

 

Isaiah cast his grapnel hook out towards Shay Leigh.  It thwacked her in the neck and she lost consciousness for a moment as she struggled to catch her breath in her stifling period clothes, which had never seemed to bother her before.  Canon was stretched so thinly that it snapped back in place immediately with the Sues’ concentration lost even for so short a space.

 

The mad rush to save the Sues stopped.

 

As the disoriented canonicals tried to figure out what was going on, Mara and Isaiah dragged Lauren away.  James, the only Stu still in possession of his senses, readied his weapon and prepared to charge.  His advance was checked by a finely-made blade at his throat. 

 

“Don’t move.”  Will kept his sword steady.  “Sword down and hands in the air.  Now.”

 

James, confused, did as Will bid. “But I’m Jack’s first mate!” he said.  “Help, Will, they’re taking that innocent girl away!”

 

“Didn’t look so innocent to me,” Jack said, eyes sharply focused on his would-be first mate.  “What’ve you done to Gibbs, eh?”

 

“N-nothing.  He died of a mysterious illness—”

 

Will was staring at Bootstrap Bill.  “I think I know who you are, but how did you come here?”

 

Bill regarded him, equally nonplussed.  “Cursed by Aztec gods if I know.”

 

“Ahem.”

 

Mara cleared her throat and slipped on her glasses.  Isaiah did likewise.

 

FLASH!

 

The canonicals gazed at them with a temporarily glazed expression.  The few pirates left had vanished, back to the grave after their hangings, no doubt.  The one exception was Koehler, who simply keeled over, as he had died during the climactic battle at the end of the movie.

 

The agents escorted Lauren and James to the small cavern after securely binding them with rope stored in their packs.  There, Bo’sun was recovering.  He had been hit harder than most by the un-canonical spell.  Mara and Isaiah opened a portal to the Pearl and shoved all of the Sues through, as well as tugging a glassy-eyed Bo’sun and Jack along, while Boostrap and Will were transported back to their respective environments.    Once they had secured everyone in the brig, they recovered G