A/N: The story being PPC’d is my own invention. I didn’t feel mean enough to do a story someone else wrote. However, I’d like to thank all the MS authors out there for all the inspiration they’ve given me. Without them, this story would never have been written.
Of Mary-Sues and Wring
Bearers
‘As Beren looked into her eyes
Within the shadows of her hair,
The trembling starlight of the skys
He saw there mirrored shimmering.
Tinuviel the elven-fair,
Immortal maiden elven-wise,
About him cast her shadowy hair
And arms like silver glimmering.’
“Right. If it weren’t canon, she’d be a Mary-Sue and I’d kill her.” I shook my head, trying to unscramble my brain. I liked the history of Arda, I really did, but sometimes Tolkien’s writing style gave me headaches.
I was sitting in the big chair in my response room in the Mary-Sue division of the PPC. My pet Plotbunny was curled up in my lap, purring as always. Don’t ask how something that looks vaguely like a stuffed rabbit in an oversized black robe purrs. I really don’t know. The console was across the room, underneath the mithril shield I’d taken from a Sue. On the opposite wall hung the matching ‘helmit’. Sheesh, it’s a HELM. Not a ‘helmit’. Ah well. At least that story had decent grammar.
Despite originally having been an elf from Rivendell, I had no designer abilities. I guess if I did, the PPC would never have recruited me. Anyway, I kept my response room fairly neat, but the furniture was all old, mismatched, and in various states of disrepair, just the way I liked it. My last partner had tried to decorate the room like Lothlorien after we spent several weeks there during one mission. The walls were still green and I’d kept the carpet, but I’d removed all the potted plants. Three six-foot trees, five small bushes, and a dozen flowering plants in one small room will make anyone claustrophobic.
Oh yeah, I should tell you about my last partner. See, she had a thing about Haldir. I mean she really had a thing about Haldir. She was obsessed, even by PPC standards. Then we got assigned a story where a Mary-Sue shows up during the Battle of Helm’s Deep. No big deal – except that this was our first time in the movie-verse battle.
She snapped. She went totally stark-raving crazy. She tried to revive Haldir and when she couldn’t, she attacked the Uruks and killed them ALL. She single-handedly killed TEN THOUSAND Uruk-hai. She would have gotten a huge reprimand for that, if she had still been sane enough to understand what a reprimand was. She’s in the psych ward now. Don’t ask how I got her there, it wasn’t pretty. I still visit her when I can, but I don’t think she recognizes me.
At my request, I haven’t been assigned another partner since then. I work well alone, and if I have another partner I’d rather have one who’s from Middle-Earth, like I am. Ranger – the one Jay and Acacia recruited - would be a wonderful partner. Mmmm…. Ranger…. Oops. Sorry. I was daydreaming again. I think Aragorn is my favorite from the canon, but Ranger is way better. A pity he already has a partner.
Now where was I? Oh, yeah. Middle-Earth. I was the cliché ‘perfect older sister’ of a cliché ‘misunderstood tomboy’ Sue. Yes, we were Rivendell elves. Yes, Elrond was a mentor to Lailanerenda (but you can call me ‘Lai’). And yes, she learned to fight from Arwen, except she was Arwen Undumil, the Evening-Satr. Gah. I think that Sue got thrown off a Mallorn tree in Lothlorien.
Anyway, when the assassins caught up with me they didn’t have enough of a charge list to warrant killing me, so they recruited me instead. I’d only had two lines in the whole story, and except for being an OC I hadn’t interrupted the canon at all. Well, I suppose being named ‘Silphrena Lauriendal Begoniansa’ almost counts as a charge. They insisted that I change my name before they’d hire me, so I decided to go by Laurie. When we found that my ‘perfect older sister’ skills extended to archery, I was promptly assigned to the Mary-Sue division.
I was quite happy here – I’ve seen almost all of Middle-Earth, and most of Beleriand. I had been brushing up on my first and second age trivia so I could take more Silmarillion stories. At the moment, though, I was trying to relive a massive headache brought on by trying to read the entire Lay of Luthien in one sitting. I was just starting to relax when the Universal Laws of Comedy kicked in.
[BEEP]
I moaned. “Not now. Of all times, not now.”
[BEEP]
“Argh. I thought I had you better trained than that.” I said to the console. “Alright, I’m coming.” I pushed Nuz – the Plotbunny - off my lap. He growled and tried to bite me. “Not a chance, bunnyboy. I’m going, and you know you’re not allowed to come with me.”
When I’d finished stuffing food, various random bits of equipment, and my Enya CDs into my pack, I checked the screen. It was flashing a level one. Great. Level one meant that the Sue became the ring bearer. I always hated those – after killing the Sue you have to get the ring back to Frodo, but they’re so AU that Frodo often doesn’t exist, so you have to portal to the Shire in a different story, grab a copy of Frodo, and bring him back to wherever you killed the Sue. And you have to carry the One Ring the entire time. Fun, Fun. Fortunately, agents aren’t supposed to be affected by it, but I still hate touching the thing anyway.
I read the story summary. I had seen worse plots, but I’d never before seen so many grammar and spelling errors in one story before. This was going to be very unpleasant.
I set my disguise to none – since I am an elf, and I have the normal Noldorin dark hair and grey eyes, I blend in very nicely without a disguise. I’d tried being an Uruk before, and while there’s something to be said for the strength those guys have, I felt dirty for a month afterwards.
I opened a portal and jumped through.
I came out on the movie-verse patio where the Council of Elrond was held. Of course. The chairs were all set out, and about half of the White Council was already there. Everything looked accurate to the movie-verse, so far. I quickly grabbed a seat, and pulled my Character Analysis Device, bow, and poison tipped arrows out of my pack. I dumped my pack behind my chair, then sat back to observe. I set the analysis device to movie-verse, and started pointing it at people. To my surprise, everyone was perfectly in character. There was no sign of a character disruption in Elrond or in Gandalf, and they were the hardest two characters to write! Then it clicked. The story hadn’t started yet. I checked the words. Yup. The Sue didn’t enter until halfway through the council.
I sat back to wait. After getting another chair because they were inexplicably one chair short, the council proceeded exactly as the movie showed it. I winced as Aragorn’s voice suddenly sounded like he had a severe head cold, laughed at Legolas’s quick temper, and snorted at Elrond’s over-simplified explanations. I made a lot of noise, but no-one even looked in my direction. Ah, the privileges of being an assassin. The canon characters couldn’t see me, or at least couldn’t notice my presence. They certainly weren’t seeing an empty chair, or someone would have tried to sit on me.
Then it happened. The air rippled, and I could feel the bad grammar and spelling errors kicking in.
“You have no chose. You must take the wring to
Mt.Doom.” quoth King Elrond.
The misspelling in the words manifested, as the ring suddenly turned into an old-fashioned clothes wringer and back again.
There was a *pow* of ‘dispaced aire’ as the Sue appeared ten feet above Legolas’s head, according to the words. The words manifest literally. The sue fell – onto Legolas’s head. This was going to be too painful to watch, so I read the words instead. They weren’t much better.
‘All the people startled as the maid was caught in Legolas’s strong arms She had waist length, gently waving, gloden, hair, that shone like the sun, high ivory cheekbones, skin as smooth and fair as rose pedals’ Did the author realize that would give her red skin? ‘and here ears were pointed, even thought she was human. Legolas stared at her with his mouth hanging open. She was more pretty than even Arewen.’ Arewen? That’s a new one. ‘and Legolas couldn’t look away from her crystal eyes. They were blue and green and gold, all at once’ Charge the first: Self-contradictory eye color. ‘They sparkled like new stars she was thin and tall but was very strong for her size. “Legolas you can put me down now” quoth the maid. Legolas blushed and put her down, “I’m sorry” he whispered in shock “its just that youre so beautiful.”
I leaned forwards and threw up. The Sue didn’t notice, she was too busy telling the council that she was fey, and the daughter of King Letnaion, and named Taraminelda Silversong, ‘but you can call me Tara’.
King Elrond stated gravelly “Then you can
take the wring.” The ring turned into a clothes wringer again. “Its very hard the ring will try to corrupt
you but you are the only one who has a chance ov doing it.”
“I will do it. Though, I don’t know how to get there.” Charge the second: Line stealing.
Legolas volunteered to go with the Sue, but none of the other characters did.
“So be it, you shall take the ring to moredoor.” stated Elrond. “You shall be the companions of the ring” Gah. She was botching lines, too. And it was just her and Legolas on the quest. How convenient for the Sue. I made the mistake of taking my eye off the words, so I didn’t have a chance to brace myself.
[I KNOW THATS NOT HOW IT HAPPENED GIMME A BREAK I WANT TO BE JUST THEM FOR MY STORY SO IF YOU DONT LIKE IT GO AWAY]
The author’s note hit me like a bulldozer. I blacked out.
When I woke up again, I was alone on the patio. The sue was nowhere in sight. “Smart, Laurie, really smart. The Sue’s gone, and you’ve lost her.” I checked the words. The sue and Legolas were already two weeks out from Rivendell. “Time distortion. This will be a healthy charge list.” I opened a portal, and jumped through.
I almost wished I could have stayed unconscious longer. The Sue – Tara? – and Legolas were now headed to Mordor, [thankx elvenprincess143 for telling me its mordor] and they appeared to be having a conversation about Tara’s magic.
“I can talk with animals and make things grow and I can heal anything. Im a really good fighter too.” Of course. Aren’t they all?
Then they launched into a gratuitous fight sequence to show the Sue’s superior fighting ability. Legolas’s arrow flew wide, and he missed his target. “No way. Sue, you are dead.” Then she drew her knives and tackled Legolas for saying that she couldn’t sword fight. Out of morbid curiosity, I pointed my Canon Analysis Device at Legolas. [Legolas Greenleaf, Canon, 58.89% Out of Character. CHARACTER RUPTURE!] Only 58.89%? He seemed a lot worse.
The ground swayed under me as a time distortion hit. Suddenly it was night, and it was COLD. I quickly dug my sleeping bag out of my pack and wrapped it around myself. Then I saw the words.
Tara and Legolas laid down next to each other to keep
warm. Legolas had strong arms and his chest was warm Tara snuggled closer.
“Youre so strong” she whispered quitely. “And youre so beautiful. Youre face
shines like the moon, did you know that?”
I slammed my headphones over my ears. Mercifully, the Enya CD was loud enough to block out the rest of their conversation. I scanned the words looking for the next major plot error, or the first good place to kill her. I wasn’t picky. There was a forest out of place, some questionable ‘magic’, and then… Moria. My jaw dropped. She does WHAT? That settled it. There was a perfect place to grab her just after that abominable bit of writing. “I kill her soon. I kill her soon. I kill her soon….” I drifted off to sleep.
The next morning, I was awake before the Sue. She was still cuddled in Legolas’s arms. Legolas was awake, but was letting her sleep as he soliloquized about how he thought he’d never find love, but here it was in his arms. The horrible grammar was making the entire area shimmer, and the ground was swaying. I checked the words. Gah. It went on for the better part of three pages. I packed as quickly as I could, and dived through the first convenient plot hole that I could find.
I came out later on in the story. The pair was walking through a burned-out forest, and the Sue was crying.
“Whats wrong Tara?” Asked Legolas because she was
crying
“This was my home it got burned by orcs when I was
just a baby. It used to look so beautiful.” “Maybe we can heal it” stated
Legolas hopefully.
Uh-oh. Here it comes. I braced myself against a nearby tree.
“We could both use our magic on it and make
the trees grow again” “We could try.” They both began to sing and dance slowly
throught the woods. Flowers grew and started blooming, trees grew, grass got
green again, Tara heard a bird and it came and landed on her sholder.
The shock wave from their ‘magic’ nearly knocked me over. “Singing and dancing to heal a forest? If Disney knew about this, they’d sue.” Ah well. Now that I’d seen that, I could charge the Sue with it. A quick scan of the words showed that there weren’t any new canon violations until Moria. My professional side tried to make me stay, but my sense of self-preservation won out. I opened a portal and skipped ahead to Moria.
There were several more sleeping-in-Legolas’s-arms scenes, but I didn’t pass out or throw up again. I didn’t dare try the analysis device again – Legolas had been reduced to a love sick junior high kid with long blond hair. I was on good terms with Makes-Things, but I didn’t want to break anything if I could help it.
As soon as the thirteen year old who somehow had inhabited Legolas’s body declared undying love for the Sue, the story skipped straight to the Bridge of Chazud-Doom. The author had obviously never seen most of the names written before. I was a little bit suprised she’d even gotten Legolas right.
Conveniently, Legolas crossed the bridge first, leaving the Sue to deal with the ‘Balrock’. It was one of Miss Cam’s minis. Apparently the author wasn’t the first one to write a balrock into her story.
“You shall not pass!” screamed Taraminelda.
Legolas couldn’t believe she was so brave, even he couldnt fight a balrock.
The mini opened its mouth and roared.
“You shall not pass! I am Taraminelda Silversong, daughter of king Letnaion and I am fey you shall not pass!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!” the balrock roared in anger but it attacked her she couldnt believe she was loozing. She new she was die if this didnt work so she put on the wring.
The horrid grammar and spelling left me gasping for breath, so I didn’t get to see how one puts on a clothes-wringer.
She used the ring and made the bridge
colappse, and the balrock fell down. “Tara look out the whip!” Legolas yelled.
She jumped back but wasnt fast enough the whip slashed here in the head. She
started to fall and Legolas grabbed her she was unconsious so Legolas had to
carry her out.
I realized I was on the wrong side of the bridge. “Great going, Laurie.” I fumbled for the portal device. I needed to hurry if I was going to get to the Sue at the right time. “Come on, come on, work!” The portal snapped open and I jumped through.
I’d made it in time. The Sue was still unconscious in Legolas’s arms as he carried her out of Moria. The area was a vague combination of movie-verse and canon terrain, with some bad punctuation thrown in for effect.
Legolas thought she might be dead he didnt
know so he leaned down to kiss her
“Alright, loverboy, hold it right there.” I wanted the Sue unconscious.
“Huh? Who’re you?” Legolas said. “I wolnt let you hurt her.”
Gah. He even spoke with bad punctuation. I pulled out my sunglasses and the neuralizer. “Look at me.” [FLASH] “You’ve had a very bad dream. When you wake up, you will be back in your home and you will forget the dream quickly. Now, put the girl down, and walk between those two trees to get home.”
Legolas numbly did as I said. As he reached the trees, I opened a portal. He vanished.
“Phew. One down, one Sue to go.” I knew the canon was going to reassert itself soon, so I was going to have to move fast if I was going to feed the Sue to Balrock. I opened a portal back to Moria, and dragged the Sue with me.
I propped her against a pillar, and pulled the ring and its necklace over her head. I’d need to return it to its proper place in the canon – Bilbo’s pocket, right now. I held the ring by the chain, and eyed it distastefully. I had the creepy feeling that it was eyeing me, too. MEEP. I stuffed it into a convenient pocket, then turned my attention back to the Sue.
I slammed the Sue’s head into the pillar a few times.
“Wake up!” The Sue moaned, then her eyes snapped open.
“Taraminelda Silversong, you are hereby charged with having a self-contradictory eye color, line stealing, line butchering, making an overly-dramatic and might I say stupid entrance, taking the ring, turning Legolas Greenleaf into a lovestruck thirteen year-old, role stealing, messing with the geography – there hasn’t been a human realm between Rivendell and Moria, ever – and otherwise messing up the canon.”
I took a deep breath.
“You are also charged with messing with magic, displaying magical Mary-Sue powers, altering elven art – they don’t call it magic – to work in impossible ways, giving yourself pointed ears even though you’re human, giving yourself an unbearably beautiful voice, using bad grammar, having general bad spelling, time distortion of the most henious sort, creating mini-balrogs, wanton cruelty to the common comma, leaving out all apostrophes, and being a Mary-Sue.”
It occurred to me that my charge list was a worse run-on sentence than anything the Sue had said. At least I’d used commas.
“Any last words?”
The Sue gave me a dazed look. I wasn’t sure how much of that she’d actually understood. I rolled my eyes, then dragged her out from behind the pillar.
“Balrock!” I shouted. He’d be here – unlike their full size cousins, mini-balrogs can fly. A moment later, the mini poked its head up out of the abyss.
“Got a treat for you, Balrock! A Mary-Sue!”
The Sue came awake enough to try to run. I let her go, and Balrock took off after her. For the sake of decency, I will not describe what happened next. Suffice it to say, she wasn’t fast enough.
Balrock slowly flew back to me. He burped.
“Ugh. You have Mary-Sue breath.” It smelled like flowers – the cloying obnoxious kind, not the pleasant kind.
“The canon is coming back in a couple of minutes. Need a portal home?”
He nodded, or at least I thought he did. I opened a portal, and he flew through. I was tempted to follow him to OFUM, but duty called. I still needed to get that ring back to where it belonged. I opened another portal, and jumped.
I tumbled into a small, cozy bedroom. When I tried to stand up, I bashed my head on the ceiling. Of course. This was Bag End. Head-bashing was mandatory.
I carefully crept out into the hallway. I could hear Bilbo in his study, talking out loud as he tried to work out a stubborn sentence so he could write it in his book. I thought I could put the ring back in his pocket without him noticing me, so I started to creep up behind him.
I had a sudden, unexplainable urge to sneeze.
I grabbed my nose, hard. I shut my eyes and counted to ten. It seemed to be gone. I cautiously opened one eye. So far, so good. I opened the other eye and relaxed.
“AH-” I clamped down on my nose again. No good. The sneeze was still there. I looked at Bilbo. Agents are supposed to be invisible to canon characters, but a loud noise [like my monster sneezes] will make even Theoden-under-Grima’s-influence sit up and take notice. Fortunatly, Bilbo didn’t seem to have noticed my almost-sneeze. Still holding my nose, I scooted forwards and carefully placed the ring in his waist-coat pocket. He reached down and patted the newly returned ring, but made no other sign that he’d noticed my presence. I scooted backwards into the hallway, and opened a portal. I rolled through onto the green carpet of my response room.
“GAH-CHOOO!”
Phew. I’d done it. I laid back on the carpet and laughed with relief.
“If I never do another mission like that, it’ll be too soon.”
I should have known better than to say that. I really should have known. But the Universal Laws of Comedy kicked in anyway.
[BEEP]