Middle-earth meets Hogwarts: PPC-MST

Harry and Legolas switch places, and so do the PPC and MST.  No, that's not quite right: they're all there, just in a strange way.  Lysine and Koki, checking in.

Disclaimer: All Harry Potter is J.K. Rowlings, and The Lord of the Rings is, of course, Tolkien’s. The PPC belongs to Jay and Acacia, and MST to the MST people whose names I do not recall. Oh, and the story this is ripping apart belongs (thankfully) to SilencingMyst. I’m just mangling it to help out the above mentioned ‘verses. Enjoy.

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Lysine winced as some unknown author said ‘Ok.’ "It’s OK or okay."

"It’s really not that bad a mistake," another voice assured her. "I mean, compared to what some authors do."

Lysine jumped. Literally. She knew that voice -- but it wasn’t one she had heard recently. It was . . . "Koki?" she asked, turning to see an old friend. "Agent Koki? I thought you refused to be an assassin for the PPC! Why are you here?" She narrowed her eyes. "And, for that matter, why am I in another story? I just got out of one . . ." Lysine trailed off, staring at her friend.

Koki grinned. "Okay, I know, I know. I’m not much of an Agent. But, see, my friend begged me to take the case, and, well –"

"You decided you needed me and dragged me off as soon as I got back, because you can’t kill anyone?"

Koki shrugged sheepishly. "Actually, this is a crossover – exorcism, not killing. Anyway, that’s why I brought you here."

"No killings?

"No."

"Then what?"

"MST style PPCing."

"Are you serious?"

"Yep. Let’s go hunt some bad characterizations."

"Bad lines."

"Let’s go."

"This is sudden. But so is life – who cares? So where are we?" Lysine spun around, twirling the Nazgfl robes she wore. No, it wasn’t quite a Nazgfl outfit, but nor was it the typical Uruk hai attire. Not even close. It was more like –

"‘Middle Earth meets Hogwarts,’ my dear wizard," Koki supplied in answer to Lysine’s mental question.

Ok I own none of the characters in this story. As you will find out as the story goes on this is a Harry Potter, LOTR crossover. This story takes place in Harry’s 6th year and In Fangore right after Gandlaf’s departure.

Koki winced and slapped her small hands over pointed ears. Lysine noticed with some humor that she was in the hobbit body she never left. Looking very Took-ish, with her curly brown hair and mischievous grin, Koki looked if anything more conspicuous in her bright green and yellow.

"‘Gandlaf,’" Lysine grated, "‘Fangore.’ ‘Ok.’ Incorrect capitalization. Okay, fine, I’ll take the case. Like I had any choice."

For the first time, Lysine looked around herself. She and Koki stood in a wide hallway which she seemed to recognize from the old days when she worked in crossovers more often. Torches lit the walls, though they were quite unnecessary; bright daylight streamed in from the Hogwarts’ windows above. Yet everything somehow seemed wrong.

"Here we go," Koki whispered, and, grabbing Lysine’s arm, pulled her back against the wall, as two young wizards sprinted by – one with vibrant red hair and the other with ebony locks which were somehow flatter than they should have been. And the story began, for some odd reason putting Lysine’s words in bold and Koki’s in bold italics. No one knows why.

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Chapter 1- Meetings

"Harry wait up!"

"Ron hurry up! We are going to be late for class."

"I know but..." Ron stopped panting at Harry’s side.

"Just come on. I am not being late for this Transfiguration twice in one week." Harry said in an annoyed tone.

"Alright I just needed to catch my breath." Ron said a little hurt that Harry was getting angry over this.

Ron Weasley and Harry Potter dodged pointlessly past the two agents (one of whom was shorter and both so tightly against the wall that it was needless), and ran directly past an open door. Koki and Lysine followed at a leisurely rate.

dodging classmates and such Ron started to think again as he had for the past few nights.

"Does that make sense?" Lysine asked uncertainly.

"RON!" Harry shouted.

"What Harry?" Ron snapped back.

"You just ran past the classroom. Come back before you are tardy."

The girls watched curiously as Ron ran back into the classroom, and he and Harry proceeded to apologize to Professor "Mcgonagall" for being almost late.

Koki and Lysine took seats at the back of the classroom to watch, amused, as the Professor childishly chewed Potter and "Weasly" out for doing homework in the library.

Ron seemed to agree. "Geesh! She didn’t have to get all over us like that. "I bet we weren’t the first people she has had who did her homework at the last minute."

"‘I bet we weren’t the first people she has?’" Lysine echoed in a disbelieving voice. Singular and plural. They’re NOT the same thing. That’s a charge. That’s got to be a charge.

"You two get quiet or I will give you both detention." Mcgonagall Spat at the two boys.

"Ron! Harry! I want you two to show the class how to do this charm. You must know how because you haven’t been taking any notes."

"Apparently," Koki answered out of the side of her mouth. But she looked interested also.

"Well what are you waiting for show us." Mcgonagall said.

Lysine twitched. "Make it stop!" she whispered forcibly. "Or, rather, make the correct spelling and punctuation start! Come on – a question mark, a capitalized ‘s’ and a comma before the end quotation marks. And for Heaven’s sake, start checking your spelling!"

"We don’t know how to perform the charm Professor."

"That’s because she teaches Transfiguration, not charms." This time it was Koki to speak. And though she didn’t mention the missing comma, she did go on with, "Oh, and by the way, it sounded really creepy when Ron and Harry chorused that last line together."

"I thought as much,

"Hah, told you so," Koki said exultantly, interrupting McGonagall.

detention for the both of you. Report to my office tomorrow night at 7:00, in the evening."

The class ended as usual with an essay due by next week. Except this time she gave Harry and Ron an extra assignment due the next class.

As the elf and dwarf rode steadily on they both stared in wonder at the beautiful trees around them.

"Righ – hey!"

"They have so many stories to tell." Legolas said finally. "This forest is old and wise."

Gimli just looked around at the trees not enjoying them as much.

"All I see is a forest that is dark and uninviting."

"Gimli if you would look harder, and with an open mind and heart, you will sense the trees memories. Don’t hold yourself back. Any reservations will lead to the blockage of the memory’s passage." Legolas tried to explain.

"And pain."

"I have a better idea. You can read the trees memories and tell me about them." Gimli said.

"Yes, that’s right Gimli. Become one with the tree."

"Nearing a hundred as we speak. Legolas farther behind, but he’ll catch up in the next few scenes."

"It doesn’t work that way Gimli. ("Comma!" Lysine exclaimed.) You have to let the trees communicate to you through pictures in your mind and then translate what you perceive. Nothing that the trees tell you can be expressed by any words that we have." Legolas explained to Gimli.

"Funny how Tolkien never says it that way."

"Fine you talk to your trees and I will be on the look out for some strange creature. I bet once I let my guard down something bad is going to happen." Gimli said staring around at all the dark trees.

"That’s right, Gimli, always the optimist. I just love how he’s learned the modern vernacular."

Fan girls, apparently.

"Gimli my friend you need to learn how to relax, and that not always does something bad have to happen."

"Unfortunately, in the world of awful writing, something bad crops up anyway. So watch out for flying lack-of-commas."

"Well...I still am going to keep a look out. Never know when something is going to attack you."

"And even a dwarf had better get his ellipses right, or else . . ."

The two walked along side Shadowfax, which Gandalf had given them before he had left for across the sea.

"Wait, he GAVE them Shadowfax? No he didn’t!"

Everyone missed Gandalf, but everyone knew why he had to go. He just wasn’t needed anymore.

"Oh, yeah, that’s a sensitive way to put it."

And he deserved a nice retirement. As for Frodo’s going...that was unexpected.

Everyone missed the little hobbit. He had won the respect of everyone.

And he had won their friendship. Something like that was never put aside easily.

Gimli had been watching for an hour and had seen nothing stir except for the elf and him. He was about to give up on keeping watch. Maybe Legolas was right. Nothing was going to hurt them in this forest. So he closed his eyes and tried to fall asleep to the steady pulse of the drum.

"Wait a minute." Gimli thought opening his eyes at once. "There is no drum."

"Bad form, Peter, bad form."

"I can’t believe she gave us detention." Ron said.

"And I don’t concur."

"Me neither. She must be mad at something, or someone, Because we didn’t do anything really.

"You’re joking, right? I mean, have you LOOKED at the way you just capitalized the ‘because’ in the middle of a sentence?"

I mean we only weren’t paying attention. What was so bad about that?"

"Well, see, if even more people don’t pay attention, that’s even worse, Lysine explained patiently."

"Who knows. But at any rate your stuck with me till your detention is up." Hagrid said.

"Oh, yeah, that’s sounds REALLY Hagrid-esque. What, is he going to say ‘dude’ next?
"Hagrid!" Both Harry and Ron exclaimed.

"Definitely."

"You are giving us detention?" Ron asked.

"Yup! Mcgonagall assigned you two to me cause she had too much work to do. So lets walk down to me hut and get the supplies we need." Hagrid said enthusiastically.

"Yo ho."

"Hagrid what is our detention?" Harry asked.

"Without the conjunctions he normally uses."

"Yeah Hagrid are you going to give an easy one?" Ron asked excited to know they would be spending the night with Hagrid and not Professor Mcgonagall.

"Yeah it is pretty easy. I’m gonna take you into the Forrest and let you help me pick some mushrooms. Dobby needs some for the cooking later on this fall. I think he is going to use them in one of the Holloween soups." Hagrid said as if that was going to be the best punishment in the world.

"What, is Dobby the only House Elf – the entirety of Hogwarts staff?"

"You...you are going to make us go in there?" Ron stammered. "La...last time we were there we almost got eaten be a spider."

"Actually, I think his Grasp of the Blatantly Obvious is pretty good."

"Too good."

"Well...yes but this time you’re with me. There is nothing to worry about." Hagrid said.

"Sounds about right. Not nearly so bad as Tolkien’s characters. But still . . ."

With that Hagrid turned around and walked to his Hut.

"Hut. Capitalized. Why . . .?"

Harry and Ron waited outside for him until he came out with a few pouches, gloves, and a shovel.

"Hagrid what do we need the gloves and shovel for.

"Aah! No question mark!"

All we are doing is picking mushrooms right?" Harry Asked.

"Aah! He capitalized ‘asked!’"

"Well yes." Hagrid said. "But these mushrooms are underground. So we have to dig them up, and the gloves are just so we don’t get dirty."

"Oh, never mind."

"Since when do you care about getting dirty?" Ron asked.

"Funny," Koki added. "That was exactly what I was thinking."

Hagrid just gave them a funny look and turned toward the forest. ("Like he’s one to give funny looks. I’m going to give HIM a funny look." *gives Hagrid a funny look.*) "Come on. We have to go pretty far in to get these." Hagrid said.

"Well."

They walked for what seamed like an hour. They walked in and out of clearings and into a place with hundreds of tiny trees and then in places with 20 huge trees. They finally stopped and Hagrid threw the shovel onto the ground.

"I’m lost, Hagrid said. The Forbidden forest just changed geography entirely."

"Here we are. Now all we have to do is dig em up." Hagrid said.

"Aah!" Koki grabbed her partner in horror. "Now you’re saying ‘well.’ Aah! I just said it also!"

"How much fun this is going to be!" Ron said sarcastically.

"Nasty, nasty. Looks like you get to join Harry in Anger Management classes."

The three dug for a while and got a lot of mushrooms. They were just about to head back when it started to pour. The three were wet in a matter of seconds.

"Why does the author need to even write this? I mean, I could summarize this entire part in a sentence!"

"*Bows.*"

"Hurry into that tree!" Harry shouted. Harry ran into a hollow tree that was three times bigger than Hagrid. Ron and Hagrid followed so they could get out of the rain. When they got into the tree Harry was nowhere to be seen. Ron and Hagrid just looked at each other in puzzlement.

". . ."

"Legolas! What is that beating?"

"I don’t think so . . ."

"I don’t know. I am following it now to see. I have searched to memories of the trees and they have no recollection of it."

"I think it is strange to talk this way. I don’t know how to use conjunction. I am very self-centered, so all my sentences start with ‘I.’"

The elf and dwarf moved closer to the noise and soon found it to be coming form a huge hollowed out tree. It was big enough to fit one hundred elves into it.

"Yeah, same thing."

"What kind of tree is that?" Gimli asked looking into it.

"I don’t know. I have never encountered a tree like this before." Legolas said.

Just as they were about to turn away from this massive tree a boy appeared.

"Whooosh! Nice materializing trick, Harry."

"What in the name of Gandalf just happened?"

"What, is Gandalf suddenly some sort of deity? Have I missed something?"

Gimli asked starring in wonder at the black haired green-eyed boy who had just appeared in front of them.

"My name is Harry Potter. Where am I?" Harry said looking very confused at the elf and dwarf.

"Snerk. Oh, yeah. That’d be the first thing I’D say – my full name – if I were born with a super-evil wizard constantly hunting me with spies everywhere, and I just suddenly came upon two very strange-looking people on the other side of a hollow tree. Brilliant, Harry. Just brilliant."

"I am Legolas and this is my campaign Gimli." Legolas said pointing to himself and Gimli.

"‘My campaign Gimli?’ So now Legolas is running for the office of Gimli?"

"You are in Fangore forest." Legolas said walking toward the boy and the tree.

"Were is that? Somewhere in Scotland?" Harry asked puzzled.

"Could be. It’s certainly not in Middle-earth. Fangore. Hmpf!"
"What in bloody being is Scotland?" Gimli asked.

"What in bloody being is Scotland?" Very diplomatic, Gimli. I like how you picked up that word so quickly, SEEING AS IT WAS PROBABLY NEVER USED IN MIDDLE-EARTH, AND CERTAINLY NOT TO BE VULGAR!! Um, yes. Sorry. I’ll stop shouting now.

"Boy you are in Middle Earth. Where are you from?"

"Oh, boy!"

"I am from Earth, England to be exact." Harry said. He was thoroughly confused by this point.

"Yes, Koki, I know!"

Legolas got down from his horse and walked into the tree with Harry. He was just about to shake Harry’s hand ("An old Middle-earth tradition was started with the first handshake two seconds in the future") when he vanished. Harry and Gimli just stared. They had no idea what had just happened. ("I guess no first handshake after all.")

As the rain stopped ("an instant later, apparently,") Hagrid and Ron stepped out of the tree. As they started to look for Harry a figure was seen walking out of the tree.

"Oh Harry there you are. You gave us a good worry there for a minute." Hagrid said.

"Sir I’m not Harry. My name is Legolas."

"And the people rejoiced."

Disclaimer: I own neither Harry Potter, nor Lord of the Rings. So don’t sue.

"But you are a Sue. I mean, you want to be. I mean . . . can I sue her for making me. uncomfortable and ill with this story?"

Chapter 2

Hagrid and Ron just looked at the man for a moment.

"Where did you come from?" Ron asked. "I mean Harry was just there."

"Don’t. That’s scary."

"I come from Middle Earth. I don’t know how I got here, but I think I met your Harry. Was his last name Potter?"

"Aye! That was em’ all right. How did you two meet?" Hagrid asked.

"My friend Gimli and I were traveling in a place called Fangore Forest. ("Fangorn! How hard is that! This is not a gory place where fans hang out!") We herd ("Moo!") an odd noise coming from somewhere and thought we would check it out. It led us to a hollow tree just like the one behind me, and he just appeared." Legolas explained. "I went over to shake his hand.

I stepped into the tree because Harry was still standing in there. Then I found myself here."

"That’s weird!" Ron said after Legolas had finished talking.

‘It certainly is odd." Hagrid replied to Ron’s comment. "We should go see the Headmaster. He will know what to do."

"‘Cause, see, I don’t. I’m completely incompetent. The Headmaster taught me how to eat, too."

"Who is this Headmaster?" Legolas asked.

"He is Albus Dumbledor.

He is the headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry." Hagrid said proudly. "He is the smartest and wisest wizard alive."

"Then take me to this man."

"*Explicit.*"

"I…I have no idea. ("There’s your answer!" Koki exclaimed brightly.) Maybe he went back to where I came from." Harry said even more confused now.

"Walk into the tree, Luke Skywalker. Let the bark guide you."

"He isn’t the only one. How can Harry be standing inside of a tree? Disbelief is the least of his problems!"

"No prob."

"Oh, yeah. Lovely. Just spiffing."

Harry’s heart was racing.

"That wasn’t funny."

"Come on, THINK Gimli." Gimli said coaching himself. "What would Legolas do? Huh? Come on THINK!!!"

"What Would Legolas Do? WWLD? I don’t think so. I mean, come on! He’s his own dwarf! The way he’s acting, you’d think he couldn’t survive without an ELF! It’s ludicrous! Ridiculous! And other synonyms for stupidly laughable!"

"Oh great." Harry thought. "I’m stuck with a man that is talking to himself. That can’t be good."

"A man? He is no more man than he is wizard! He is Gimli the DWARF! Does he LOOK like a man to you? Are you BLIND?"

"I know! I’ll take you to Aragorn! He will think of something. He is the king."

"Because, what? I’m a stupid dwarf? This is a stupid story? Gimli is like, what, 90% OOC? More?"

"How long will it take to get there>" Harry asked. "The sooner we get there the sooner I can figure out what is going on and the sooner I can get out of here!" Harry thought to himself.

"It is a good four days ride south east from here. Gimli replied.

"Ha, ha. Very funny."

Legolas just stared up at Hogwarts castle.

"I wasn’t serious!"

"This is your school?" Legolas said in wonder.

"Yup. This is Hogwarts." Hagrid said, "Best wizards school around."

"Um, right. Sorry."

"Hey you still haven’t seen the inside yet." Ron said. "It looks better in there.

"Not when you’re telling the story without sufficient punctuation like END QUOTATIONS."

"Legolas walked up the stairs and into Hogwarts. He was amazed at what he saw.

"Now, just a second. Pause the tape. You people meet some unknown person of an unknown species during your DETENTION, take him right into the school, which he can see in full – we don’t know how BECAUSE HE SHOULDN’T BE ABLE TO – as the magics are so different. In different places. And fine, on the off-chance that he could, don’t you think he’d be a little – you know, freaked out? But nooooo. Grr."

There were paintings where the people talked and moved around. Stairs rotated and spun

("Spun? The Amazing Spinning Staircases of Doom? Funny, they were never mentioned in the books . . ." ) of their own accord. Everything around him was…well it was magical. He had never seen anything like thins in his life.

"Excellent point."

"Come on, this way!" Ron yelled. He and Hagrid were halfway up a set of stairs to his left.

"I’m choking on it."

Legolas followed the two. All the while taking in everything around him. He followed Ron and Hagrid up another set of steps. While they were on it, it started to move.

"What is happening?" Legolas asked confused.

"Some stupid author is being a stupid author."

" Oh great." Ron said. "Sometimes the Stairs like to pull tricks on people. Now we will have to wait for it to move back." Ron said to Legolas. "Come on! You bloody thing. We need to see Dumbledor!"

"What, calling Legolas ‘you bloody thing?’ And – Koki?" *Lysine whispered*. "Who’s ‘Dumbledor’?"

"Right. Thanks. I always knew I’d end up somewhere like this. They’re coming to take me away, ha, ha."

The stairs seemed to give a little moan and started back the other way.

"Thank you." Ron said.

"Exercise is good for you, exercise is good for you."

Legolas was as confused as ever.

He was in a world where ordinary objects had minds of their own.

He was also starting to wonder if he would ever get home.

"We’re here!" Hagrid said. "Marshmallow!" Hagrid shouted

The statue in front of them sprung to life. It moved to reveal a winding staircase. Hagrid stepped on then Ron then Legolas. At the top of the staircase was a big door.

"Because this is "Dumbledor’s" office, silly, not Dumbledore’s."

"Come on all. Dumbledor will need to know what happened." Hagrid said.

It was very awkward for Harry and Gimli at first. Neither were very good at riding a horse. But once Harry got used to it, it wasn’t so bad. They had been trying to get out of the forest for an hour now. They didn’t know which way was which. The forest had them all turned around.

"Yawn."

"Funny how HP magic works in Tolkien’s world. You’d think it wouldn’t . . . being different universes and all."

"Braggart."

"He lit his wand on fire? That was stupid."

"Okay, I’ve had enough of this."

Lysine jumped out of the MSTing form, grabbing a volume of the complete Lord of the Rings Trilogy and hitting Gimli over the head with it. He slumped noticeably and unsurprisingly. Koki did the same to Harry.

"Now what?" she asked.

"What do you mean?" Lysine replied.

"Well . . . you know, what . . ."

"Oh, for Heaven’s sake! She leaned over Gimli with her book. "The power of Tolkien compels thee, stupid ‘Sue, get out! Get out! She began pulling the book back, taking the figure of a voluptuous young lady with it. Without hesitating, Lysine cut the thing’s throat. Koki looked away is disgust while she did the same thing (only with the Harry Potter books) to Harry.

"Ick," Koki finally commented.

"Right." Lysine hoisted Harry under her arm and opened a portal. "After you?"

"Where are we going?"

"Hogwarts."

Making a face that had more to do with the rather disgusting substances coating Lysine’s hand, Koki stepped through the portal, tripping into Legolas, Ron, and Hagrid.

Lysine gave Ron and Legolas the same treatment, then pushed the elf through the portal. Hagrid, however, was apparently only mildly stunned by the blow to the head, not fully knocked out. And when he came to . . .

"What are you doin’ with me frinds?" he roared, standing up and looking surprisingly like a grizzly bear.

"Uh, oh," Koki added, and sprinted forward between Hagrids arms with her copy of the The Philosopher’s Stone. By Rowling and the canon, and all that stupid stuff, I command thee to get out, ‘Sue!"

With all her effort, Koki pulled a surprisingly small Sue from Hagrid and beat it over the head with her book until it was dead and evaporated as only an inhabiting monstrosity can do.

Then she stood up. "Okay, that was fun," she said cheerfully.

"Really?"

"No. Just because they’re not as solid doesn’t making killing right."

"But what does make it right is that they’re ‘Sues. And that was a really bad story."

"Yep."

Lysine portaled back to headquarters, and they were done . . . for now.

Author’s Note: Hey. I know that was slightly strange, combining the PPC and MST. But, well, it worked well enough. Hopefully. And ended up way longer than I expected. So, enjoy.

Oh, also, special thanks to Ruby Took, who edited this for me with her wonderful, hobbit-like ways. *Cheers.*

Story by SilencingMyst

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/1898670/1/