- ********
The cemetery. She drove around in circles for ages before she finally pulled up. Postponing it as long as she could. She didn’t want to go there, didn’t want to see the final confirmation. It would be.. an end of sorts. And she wasn’t sure she wanted to let go.
She sat in the car for quite a while, making no move toward the door, just staring at the green grass, the blue sky and her trembling hands.
“You can do this,” she told herself firmly, and opened the door, stepping carefully on the grass. Slowly, slowly, she walked towards where she knew the grave was, dreading every step closer, trying to walk as slowly as possible. Nevertheless, soon she was standing in front of it. The grave. David’s grave.
The urge to run away was overwhelming, but she fought hard to keep standing still, but with her gaze on the sky.
“You ‘re in control. You’re in control,” she reminded herself, then finally let her gaze wander down. And there it was. The gravestone, covered with flowers.
The stone itself were beautiful, it had been a good choice, she had to admit. Jonathon had picked it, but she hadn’t fought him on it.
And then it was his name. On the gravestone. David Goldstein.
It stabbed through her heart like an arrow. His name. His damn name!
She turned around and ran, ran like the wind to the car, started it up and drove away.
She couldn’t face it. Not yet, if ever. She just couldn’t. Couldn’t!
*********
Would you know my name
if I saw you in heaven?
Would you feel the same
if I saw you in heaven?
I must be strong and carry on
'Cause I know I don't belong here in heaven...
Would you hold my hand
if I saw you in heaven?
Would you help me stand
if I saw you in heaven?
I'll find my way through night and day
'Cause I know I just can't stay here in heaven...
********
Frank was leaning against the door as she pulled up in front of the house.
“What are you doing here?!” she called out as she slammed the car door shut.
“I thought you were going to call me today,” he accused, looking at her intently, trying to see if she had cried. Her eyes did seem swollen.
“Aw shit, I’m sorry, I meant to, really,” she excused herself as she pushed open the door and went past him.
“Where have you been?” he asked, still standing in the doorway, leaning against the frame.
“What, are you my babysitter or something?” He met her glare.
“Or something,” he replied.
“Want a beer?” she asked resigned.
“Yeah,” he said, walking in and closing the door after him. “So when are you coming back to work?”
“I dunno Frank,” she replied honestly, handing him a beer from the refrigerator. “I just don’t know…”
He nodded, and she picked up a beer as well before they both headed into the living room, popping down on the couch. They sat in silence for a while, drinking the beer, but it wasn’t an uncomfortable silence. It felt good to just hear his breathing, reminding her she wasn't alone.
“How are you doing?” he probed gently after a while.
“Like crap,” she replied honestly.
“It will get better,” he promised.
“A part of me doesn’t want it to get better. Like, if it gets better, I’m betraying David.”
“He wouldn’t want you to knock yourself up over it. He wouldn’t want you to feel like this,” Frank said with conviction. She nodded slowly, knowing he was right. It was her who wanted her to feel like this.
“And there’s the house. It keeps reminding me. It keeps…It’s like the house.. talks to me,” she explained, or tried to anyway. He shot a glare at her, and seemed to understand.
“Ya can always move in with me…” he offered, and she snickered.
“Seriously, you could,” he insisted, “and it wouldn’t be like *that* or anything.”
“Like what Frank?”
“Umm.. ya know, *that*…” he trailed off.
“I don’t think it’s such a good idea…”
“I’ll keep the offer open,” he said gently, not wanting to push her. She nodded, then eased herself back onto the couch. She still hadn’t touched her coffee.
“Any progress on the case?” she suddenly asked.
“Ummm.. what case?” he asked uncomfortably.
“Don’t play dumb with me, Francis. I know you and Jack have been making inquiries.”
“Well… we thought.. I thought.. that it be best not to….” he said hesitantly, and she bolted up from the couch, glaring at him.
“Don’t Frank!!!” she warned.
“Don’t what?” he asked confused.
“Don’t treat me like a baby!!”
“I wasn’t, I was just…” he tried to explain, but she wouldn’t let him finish.
“I don’t need you trying to protect me!! I don’t need *you*!!” she cried out, and he froze. If she had stabbed him right in the heart she couldn’t have done a better job of hurting him. The look of hurt that flashed across his face was heartbreaking, but there was no part of her heart left to break. A part of her screamed at her to take it back, but the words just wouldn’t come out of her mouth.
“Fine,” he said, “I’ll just be on my way then, since you don’t need me.” He waited a second, but when she made no move to stop him , he got up and walked out of the room.
Seconds later she heard the door slam shut after him.
*********
It ain’t in their hearts they’re bad
They can comfort you, some even try
They can nurse you when you’re ill of health
They bury you when you go and die
It ain’t in their hearts they’re bad
They’d stick by you if they could
But that’s just bullshit
People just ain’t no good
People they ain’t no good
People they ain’t no good
**********
And the she was alone.
The house was so quiet, so very quiet.. except for the whispers. They came from the walls, and invaded her mind, filling it with memories, with images.
She closed her eyes to shut it out, but that only made the images stronger, more vivid. Alive. Quickly, she opened her eyes again, only to find she was looking at the wall.
The Wall. The wall that David had been thrown up against as the shooter had fired, and the scream echoed through her head once more.
It was getting hard to breathe, as if the walls around her was trying to choke her. Squeeze the life out of her. Why should she live when he did not? It wasn’t fair.
If only.. she hadn’t made that oven-baked stake that night.
If only.. it had been done just a few minutes earlier.
If only.. she had gone to check out David’s claim right away.
If only.. the shooter had shot her instead.
If only.. if only.. if only..
“If only!” she cried out, then hid her head in her hands. If only.. David had lived.
“But he didn’t,” the house whispered, “he didn’t. He’s dead. He’s deeeee-ad!”
“Shut up!” she yelled, throwing a cup at the wall. It broke into a thousand pieces, just as her life had.
She couldn’t stay here.
Without even realizing what she was doing, she began packing, stuffing clothes into her bags. She had to get away, she couldn’t live here, where the memories were vivid and so alive.
She just couldn’t. Finally her bags were full, and she turned the lights off, closing her ears from the insistent whispers. Quickly locking the door behind her, she almost ran to the car, threw the stuff in and drove off. To where, she wasn’t really sure, she debated several options in her head, when she suddenly realized she had instinctively driven to the only place she could go.
His place.
*********
Frank was on his third beer of the evening. He had no intentions of getting himself drunk or anything, but it felt a bit comforting drinking, as if she would join him anytime. As if she hadn’t said..
There was a knock on the door. Sighing, he got up, placing the beer bottle on the table, and headed for the door.
“Yeah, yeah, YEAH!” he said as someone knocked impatiently again. He almost ripped the door from it hedges as he tore it open. And there stood Rachel.. with bags. He stared.
“That offer still good?” she asked quietly.
“Yeah.. Yeah, of course.. Ummm.. come in!” he said, grabbing a bag for her. She took the two others.. and he realized she had packed enough to stay quite some time. His heart skipped several beats as he followed her into the kitchen.
“I just…”
“Yeah,” he replied, “I have some food.. or we could go out…”
“It’s okay Frank,” she said, dropping the bags on the kitchen floor, “Ya don’t hafta go to any trouble…”
“It’s no trouble,” he insisted, and she gave him a quick smile, but shook her head.
“I’m just tired right now Frank…” she said, and she did look tired. Her eyes seemed to be distant, her face was pale, but she did look better than she had last night. Her cheeks were streaked from crying, he could tell, but she didn’t seem on the verge of tears.
“Of course. I’ll make your bed.. Just help yourself to any beers in the meantime okay?” and with that he practically flew up the stairs, afraid that if he left her alone for too long she would change her mind. He still couldn’t believe she had actually accepted his offer, but he wasn’t about to ruin it by asking why. She needed him, end of story.
He had never made a bed so fast in his whole life. He half thought she would be gone when he re-entered the kitchen, but she still sat there, holding a bottle of beer, but it was still unopened.
“Your bed is done,” he exclaimed, and she looked up at him with a warm smile, but the warmth never touched her eyes. He had to fight an urge to wrap her in his arms and hold her forever, making sure no one hurt her again. She would probably deck him for thinking like that. Instead he forced himself to keep a little distance. She had to come to him.
“Thanks,” she replied, and made no effort to hide a yawn. “I think I’ll go to bed now….”
“Yeah, it’s all ready, and ya can unpack tomorrow.. How long are you staying?” he tried to keep his voice even, but a bit of nervousness sneaked into it nevertheless.
“Please let it be more than one night!” his mind begged.
“How long is the offer open?” she asked back, and he shrugged his shoulders.
“Indefinitely, I reckon.”
“Yeah, maybe I’ll stay that long then,” she replied, the bit her lip. For a whole second he thought she would take it back, then she just closed her eyes and almost fell over.
He caught her before she fell, and when she opened her eyes again, he could see pure exhaustion.
“Thanks,” she muttered, and let herself be lead upstairs. She fell onto the made-up couch, not even bothering to take her shoes off. Seconds later he could tell she was asleep due to her steady breathing.
He gently eased her shoes off her, then wrapped the blanket affectionately around her. She shifted a bit, but didn’t wake up. He lifted a strand of hair that had fallen across her cheek into place, then kissed her gently on the forehead.
“Goodnight,” he whispered, and wished her a long, dreamless sleep. One without nightmares, though he doubted it was possible. Then he carefully tip-toed out, and closed the door behind him.
A tiny smile emerged on his face. He had always wanted Rach to spend the night at his house.. and now she was. And what was more important.. by coming to him she had admitted something he had always wanted to hear.
*I need you*.
For some reason he couldn’t quite fathom, he needed to hear that more than anything else.
********
She awoke to the smell of breakfast. It filled her senses pleasantly, and for a whole minute she just lay there, basking in the feeling.
And then the memories returned. She managed to not cry this morning, probably because Frank was downstairs. She could hear the noises he made, taking something out of a cabinet, answering the phone, and walk around. It felt oddly comforting just hearing him like that.
Finally she heard him walk up the stairs, and knock on the door.
“I’m awake,” she called out.
“Can I tempt you with a fabulous breakfast downstairs?”
“Did you make it?” she asked, and she could almost see his expression through the door.
“I can cook,” he insisted, and she smiled slightly. He could cook, actually, but she wasn’t about to admit that.
“I’ll take the chance,” she replied, “I’ll be downstairs in a sec.”
“Need any help in there?” he teased, and waited for the expected “Holloway!”
“Holloway!” she called out, “you’re such a…”
“Good cook, yes, I know,” he said with a small chuckle, and went downstairs. And to her surprise, she felt almost good as she got up. She even caught herself smiling a bit.
She walked downstairs only a few minutes later, just as Frank was putting glasses on the table.
“Perfect timing,” he smiled. Astounded, she looked around. The kitchen was *clean*. It still smelled of washing, a kind of fresh, clean smell. And things were in place.
“You cleaned!” she exclaimed, and he shrugged his shoulders.
“I might have tidied up a bit….”
She shot a quick look into the living room, and to her astonishment, that looked cleaned too. She turned to Frank, who practically beamed with pride.
“I’m impressed Francis,” she remarked.
“You should be, it took me half the night!” he replied, then turned to the kitchen table.
“Breakfast is served!”
And to the astonishment of both, she laughed. Not loudly, but it was an honest laugh, one like the ones she would laugh before tragedy had stuck.
And all the trouble had had went to, had been worth it.
***********
I know we're headed somewhere
I can see how far we've come
But still I can't remember anything
Let's not do the wrong thing
And I'll swear it might be fun
It's a long way down
When all the knots we've tied have come undone
**********
As he entered the Station later that morning, he were met with a chorus of how-is-she’s. He dodged as many as them as he could with “As well as can be expected”, but when he found himself face to face with Jack, he decided to be a bit more explicit. If only to rub it in.
“So she’s staying at your place now?” Jack asked, in hearing range of Helen, Tayler and Tommy. Several eyebrows were raised, as well as some giggles.
“Yeah..” he replied, then headed for the stairs, away from the far too nosy colleagues. It wasn’t like they would start any rumors, the rumors were already there, but if Rach found out he’d been declaring that she was staying at his place across half the station… Well, he didn’t really wanna think about what she’d do.
“She’s eating well, and I think she had a decent nights sleep,” he told Jack, as they walked up to the office.
“She’s better then?”
“I think it was good for her, ya know, to get away from the house. Too much memories.”
“Yeah,” Jack agreed, not adding where he wished she had gone to stay instead. Frank’s look told him that the guy knew though.
“She’ll probably stay a while,” Frank added, unable to resist pushing the point home. Jack shot him a glare, and almost bumped into Jeff because of it.
“Just the two I were looking for,” Hawker exclaimed.
“She’s doing better,” Frank said, sensing the question before it was asked.
“Good, good,” Jeff said, “and you two have visitors.”
“Visitors?” Jack asked.
“Yes, Detectives Webster and Adams. You know, the Detectives handling the case.” Jeff’s gaze was practically drilling hole in Frank and Jack, and they both shifted a bit.
“Really? They say what they want?” Frank asked innocently.
“No, but I have a fair idea. I told you this before, and I’m telling you again. Stay out of this case!”
“Wouldn’t dream of touching it,” Frank replied, still innocently.
“If I hear otherwise Holloway….”
“Why would you? I said we wouldn’t even dream of touching it.”
Hawker stared at him, trying to decide if he was honest or not. It could be hard to tell with Frank sometimes.
“Don’t let your visitors wait,” he finally said, leaving the pair. There was something oddly uncomfortable about the way Jack and Frank were acting lately.. like they had some big common goal.
“So what do we owe the pleasure of this visit?” Frank exclaimed as he entered his office where Webster and Adams were standing. They did not look happy.
“Didn’t we tell you last time?”
“I don’t know, did you?” Jack replied to Adams.
“We warned you to stay off the case,” Webster reminded him.
“Did they Frank?” Jack asked.
“If they say so,” Frank replied.
“Don’t play games with us. *WE* handle this case. And tell that to your partner too.”
“Huh?”
“Detective Goldstein. She is far too close to this.”
“Rachel??!” they both asked surprised.
“Yes, Rachel Goldstein,” Webster replied, “if we catch her snooping around one more time.. We’ll get her suspended.”
And with that they both marched out.
“Did you know she had been…” Jack asked, and Frank only shook his head.
“Damn,” he cursed, “bloody stubborn…”
“Yeah, she is quite stubborn,” Jack added. Frank popped down on his chair, muttering a few things under his breath.
“I’m gonna have a chat with her.. Damn, if Jeff finds out she has even LOOKED at this…”
“Yeah, I know,” Jack replied, “just how good an eye have you been keeping on her?”
“Not good enough, apparently,” he noted sourly, wondering how the hell she had managed to snoop around without him noticing it. Bloody hell, she was too smart for her own good.
“Well, I found out something about the jeep?” Jack stated when Frank seemed to drift into deep thoughts.
“Yeah?”
“It was reported stolen earlier that day.. but look at the owners address.” Frank leaned over the desk to glance at the report.
“What.. Hang on.. That’s just down the block from where Jonathon lives!” he exclaimed.
“Yes,” Jack confirmed.
“So this guy.. has a fight with Jonathon.. thinks he wants to get back at him… nabs the car.. heads home to pick up the gun and the disguise.. and heads for Rachel’s place,” Frank wondered aloud.
“Yes, but he must have known where David was for your scenery to work.”
“So it’s someone who knows Jonathon pretty well, you reckon.”
“Must be.. maybe a good client.. if we ask around a bit in the neighborhood, maybe someone remembers any visitors to his place.”
“Worth checking out,” Frank stated.
“I’ll do it.. you keep up a front for Jeff,” Jack suggested, heading for the door.
“Righto,” Frank said, most to himself. He found himself reaching into a drawer.. and pull out a picture. It was off David and Rachel, both smiling. He didn’t know why she had given him that, but he had kept it in his drawers since forever. It was such a good picture.. she was totally relaxed, beaming at the camera.
He silently wondered if she’s ever beam like that again.. sure, she could get over it, but getting over it wasn’t the same as leaving it behind.
He wanted her to beam like that again. Preferably at him, of course. He touched the picture gently.
“I miss you too David,” he whispered. He’d been so busy looking after Rachel, and feeling for her, he hadn’t realized he missed the little bugger himself. He had so much of Rachel in him. And it wasn’t really his fault his dad was such a bastard.
“You didn’t deserve that bastard for a father,” he remarked, “but your mother.. she’s amazing. I’ll take good care of her, I promise. I won’t let her destroy herself over this.. You wouldn’t want her to, I think.”
He looked at the picture again.
“No, you wouldn’t, you loved her,” he said confidently.
“Talking to yourself Holloway?” said Jeff as he entered. Frank practically jumped out of his skin.
“Umm, no, I was just…”
“Where did ya hide Christey?”
“He felt like heading home…” Frank lied as innocently as he could.
“Shouldn’t you? It’s getting late.”
“If you say so Jeff,” Frank replied, smiling slightly at the thought of who waited at home.
“And give my regards to Rachel, I hear she’s staying at your place.” Frank froze halfway through the doorway, and turned to look at his boss. The expression was completely neutral, he couldn’t read it either way.
“Sure,” he replied and headed out. Jeff looked after him, and shook his head slightly. Those two living together.. Now that was something he’d like to see.
*********
“Rach?” he called as he entered the house, looking around. There was no reply.
“Rachel?” he called again, peaking into the kitchen. It was empty. So was the living room, the bathroom, the bedroom… She was nowhere to be found.
“Damnit!” he called, where the hell was she? Probably doing something very stupid, he just knew it. It would be so her to go behind his back. Finally he heard the door open.
“Where the hell have you been??!!” he shot at her, as soon as she entered the kitchen, carrying several plastic bags.
“I went to get us some food.. your fridge ain’t exactly full,” she replied, putting the bags on the counter. He didn’t let that fact lure him.
“You’ve been snooping around on the case!” he yelled. She stared at him.
“I have not!!” she shot back
“You were too snooping around!”
“Were not!”
“Were too!” he stated, “Damnit Rach, don’t lie to me!! I think I deserve to get the truth from you!!
“Fine!!” she snapped, “so I have been looking around a little. He killed my son!!”
“That’s exactly why you shouldn’t be snooping around.. If Jeff found out….”
“To Hell with that!! I want to find this guy!” she yelled.
“You’re too close, Rach,” he insisted.
“And you’re not??!!” she shot back.
“Let me and Jack handle…” he began.
“You and Jack??!!” she snapped.
“Yeah, well…”
“I thought you two couldn’t stand each other,” she noted.
“We don’t, but.. ya know, common goals and such..”
“And that common goal is me!!”
“We’re worried about ya Rach..” he offered, trying to calm her down. It didn’t work too well.
“What the hell gives you the right to act like my.. babysitter!” she spat.
“I don’t.. But I’m not about to let you ruin your life!!” he shot back, anger rising. They were both breathing hard as their gazes locked, and the anger seemed to make something else resurface.
“Damn you Frank! Damn you! DAMN YOU!!” she cried out, staring at him widely. Then she kissed him.
He almost fell backwards with surprise. It was hardly how he’d pictured a first kiss. But then again, he wasn’t about to turn it down! For the feeling of her lips on his were more vivid than any daydream. He could taste traces of tears still on her lips, and he kissed them away, kissed her pain away. For a first kiss it felt oddly familiar, as if he had a distant memory of it. As if he’s kissed her in a former life. Or maybe when he’d been insanely drunk.
She was practically assaulting his mouth, the fire of anger turned into the fire of passion. And a part of her knew she was trying to quell the grief with something greater, but for the first time in weeks her heart didn’t feel like it would explode with pain.
He brought his hands to her back, to trace her spine, going slowly up and down while feeling her body respond to his. He let his hands slip under her shirt, to feel the bare skin of her back against his hands. She responded by pushing him against the counter with a strength that surprised him.
He could feel something cutting into his side, but he couldn’t be bothered to find out what it was. Instead he concentrated on the feeling of her. Every detail got memorized, how she made small moan when he traced a special part of her mouth, how she let her hands rub against his chest, then moved to his neck.
He moved his hands to rest on her belly, feeling her warm flesh, so very sensitive under his hands. She broke off a little to look up at him.
“How.. about.. we… take this.. to the bedroom?” she asked between kisses.
“Are you.. sure?”. The last word came out a bit strained when she practically assaulted his neck.
“I’ll.. take that.. as a yes..” he muttered, as she wandered down.
He closed his eyes. How long was he supposed to withstand this sweet torture?? A part of him wanted to push her over the counter, but that wouldn’t really be fair to her. And he wanted to be fair. Hell, he wanted to give her the most incredible night of her life, and that weren’t going to happen if he gave in too soon.
“Focus, Holloway, FOCUS!!” he told himself firmly.
He managed to focus long enough to lead her up the stairs. The strangeness of the situation hit him. He’d taken many women this way before.. But this was Rachel.. And this could be more than just one night.
He banged the door open, walking in backwards, never letting go of her eyes. Her gaze didn’t falter, not once. She wanted it as much as he, he realized.
The air was sparkling with energy around them. They were crossing a line. And once it was crossed, they could go back, but it would never be the same.
She stopped halfway across the room, and drew him into another kiss. A part of her felt guilty for trying to shut David out this way, but a part of her realized she *needed* this. It scared her how much she wanted it, it scared her that it would mean more than just a night of comfort, and it scared her that it was Frank.. Frank. From now on it would be *her* Frank more than ever. So she tucked away the fears into the darkest corner of her mind, and shut their muttering out. She needed this.
And she closed her eyes and let herself drown in the feeling of him.
*********
I'll feel the power
and be blinded by the light
I can touch magic
that waits for us tonight.
but you
you are afraid
when we make love
its love that I make
but you are afraid.
I'll feel the power and be blinded by the light
I can touch the magic
that waits for us tonight.
*********
They awoke to the sound of rain against the roof. Their bodies still tangled in each other, warm still from the night’s activities. She didn’t pull away, he noted.
“Hey,” he smiled.
“Hey…” she replied, letting him clasp her hand in his.
She bit her bottom lip, searching for something to say, but when she looked into his eyes, she was lost.
“Frank….” she began.
He felt his heart fall several pegs. Here it came, surely. The dreaded “it-was-a-mistake-let’s-forget-about-last-night” line. He had kinda hoped it wouldn’t come. And to his amazement, it didn’t. Instead she just curled up to him, resting her head on his chest.
“Just hold me,” she finished.
If he could have exploded with happiness, that would have been the moment.
So he held her as close as he could, basking in the feeling. And they lay there, silently, listening to the rain.
********
I'll be your dream, I'll be your wish I'll be your fantasy.
I'll be your hope, I'll be your love be everything that you need.
I love you more with every breath truly madly deeply do..
I will be strong I will be faithful 'cos I'm counting on A new beginning.
A reason for living. A deeper meaning.
I want to stand with you on a mountain.
I want to bathe with you in the sea.
I want to lay like this forever.
Until the sky falls down on me...
*********
It was Saturday morning, and it rained. The thing about rain, is that sometimes it is easier to see in the rain than in the daylight. The rain seems to pause everything, creating a moment of peace.
Frank Holloway and Rachel Goldstein had such a moment that Saturday morning.
The rain shut everything else out, the world, the worries, the heartbreaks. It was just them, holding each other. For a moment everything was perfect.
Unfortunately, all moments pass, and the best moments are the once who passes too soon.
“What should we do Frank?” she asked after a while.
“We can’t go back.”
“No, we can’t. But… I’m not ready to loose you as my partner.”
“We can keep it a secret,” he suggested.
“A secret.. Do you think we can?” she asked
“We can try,” he said simply.
“We tell no one,” she empathized.
“No one,” he agreed.
“And you stop acting like my mom,” she added, tapping him on the nose.
“As your boyfriend then?”
“As my secret boyfriend,” she replied, giving him a quick kiss on the cheek. He grinned slightly, letting a hand trace her arm from shoulder to fingers, slowly, gently.
“What about Jack?” he suddenly asked.
“What about him?”
“Shouldn’t we tell him something? I mean, he…”
“Leave that to me,” she said sharply, the added more gently. “I should be the one to tell him after all. I mean.. he and I… I should tell him.”
He nodded, then let his lips do the same wandering his hand had. She found it hard to concentrate on their conversation, but she had a few things more to say.
“Frank.. what I said yesterday.. I meant it. I want to find that guy. I hafta. I just hafta.”
He paused his wandering at her elbow, lifting his head to look her in the eyes. She was speaking the truth, he could tell. She wouldn’t be able to rest until, someway or another, this case was resolved.
“We do it together,” he said, “if you try and head out on your own, I swear I’ll lock you in my room.”
“Together,” she agreed, “and if ya tried such a thing, Holloway, I’d lock you into a dark cellar and throw away the key!”
He chuckled, then looked at her seriously.
“Umm.. we like.. didn’t talk about this last night… and since we didn’t use any… umm.. protectives.. What I mean is, if you get pregnant, ya know, I don’t mind.”
“You don’t mind??” she asked incredulously.
“I mean.. you’re great mom and.. you should have a kid.”
“It won’t replace David!” she shot back, desperately.
“No, I didn’t mean it like that.. I just meant.. I mean.. babies.. we could do it all…If you want to.”
He felt her stiffen a bit below him, and figured he better quickly change the subject.
“Breakfast?” he asked.
“Yeah, I’m starved,” she replied.
“After last night…so am I.”
*******
As you have been moving surely toward me
My soul has comforted and assured me
That in time my heart it will reward me
And that all will be revealed
So I’ve sat and I’ve watched an ice-age thaw
Are you the one that I’ve been waiting for?
Out of sorrow entire worlds have been built
Out of longing great wonders have been willed
They’re only little tears darling, let them spill
And lay your head upon my shoulder
Outside my window the world has gone to war
Are you the one I’ve been waiting for?
*******
She went with him to the Station. It was time, she figured.
Compassionate looks followed her everywhere, a few careful “how are you doing?” as well, but no one seemed to want to push her. Maybe because Frank was practically hovering over her the whole time, giving warning glances if anyone pushed the conversation too far.
She found it more than a little annoying.
“Frank, what did I say about you not being my babysitter?” she exclaimed as they entered their office.
“Ummm.. that I wasn’t,” he offered.
“So what was that?”
“Ummm… support from…” he glanced around, seeing no one was in hearing range, “your secret boyfriend?”
“Francis..”
“Yeah, yeah, I’ll try and behave!” he replied as Jack entered.
"Rachel!”
“Heya Jack!” she smiled.
“Okay, stop the jealousy thing already Holloway,” Frank told himself, finding he disliked Rachel smiling that broadly to Jack. He had no reason to be jealous. Not really. She was staying at his place, sleeping in his bed..
“Back to work?” Jack asked.
“For the time being,” she replied, “and I’d like to know what the hell you two have been doing!”
Jack shot a questionable look at Frank, who just shrugged his shoulders slightly.
“Umm.. nothing.”
“Don’t give me that Jack, I’ve…”
“Well, Webster and Adams told me *you* had been snooping around!” Jack shot back.
Frank leaned back in his chair and smirked.
“And you and Frank haven’t??!”
“Then why aren’t you yelling at him?”
“I did last night,” she replied, and felt a blush beginning to crawl up her cheeks. They had been doing a lot last night. To hide it she turned around and stared at Frank.
“What are you smirking for??”
“Nuthin,” he said innocently.
“Right,” she replied, and turned to Jack again.
“Now what have you two monkeys dug up??”
“We think the target was Jonathon, not you,” Frank shot in, taking some of the heat of poor Jack.
She considered that for a moment.
“So we’ve been digging into his business,” Jack continued, “and we’ve discovered that jeep the guy was driving got stolen from a house just down the block from where Jonathon lives. It has to be more than a coincident.”
She nodded slowly.
“Jonathon dropped a case about a month ago,” she said after a while, “he was defending 3 guys accused of drug smuggling. He was winning it, really. Then suddenly he dropped the case, they get a mistrial, the case should come up again in a few weeks. I met Jonathon at the court house the other day, and he mentioned the case. It wasn’t like him at all. He looked very disturbed. We didn’t really talk, but I could see there was something troubling him. I asked, but he just cut me off, saying something about ‘involving cops would only make it worse’. I remembered the conversation the other day. My gut feeling tells me it’s tied to this.”
“Why didn’t you tell me this last night?” Frank cut in, ignoring the glance Jack sent him.
She shook her head absetmindly.
“I wasn’t sure. But after hearing this.. There has to be a connection.”
“I don’t suppose Jonathon will be too willing to talk to us,” Frank remarked.
“Not with the way you two have been acting around him.”
Both looked down, a little guilty.
“He is a bastard,” Frank defended himself with.
“Yeah,” Jack agreed.
She stared at them. She didn’t know what was more worrying, Frank and Jack going at each other, or Frank and Jack agreeing on more than one thing.
“How about I try digging up the file on that case?” Jack offered. They both nodded, lost in a trail of thoughts.
“Be back before you know it,” he exclaimed, and disappeared out the door.
Frank lifted his gaze from the desk to Rachel, who was obviously thinking about that night again. He could tell from the way she was wincing occasionally.
He wondered if he should ask her now. Just ask her. She wasn’t much of a romantic, so if he made a big deal out of it, he might scare her away. Better to just ask, casually.
Right now.
But the words wouldn’t come out of his mouth. Perhaps it was better to wait a bit. Till the worst part of the grieving was done. She had enough on her mind already, and he didn’t want to add to her worries.
And it had to be asked at the right moment, so he could get a ‘yes’ out of her. That was the only acceptable answer, after all. And if he did get that answer..
“What the mink are you staring at??” she shot at him, and he realized he’d been staring quite obviously.
“Sorry,” he muttered. It was best to wait. She clearly wasn’t in the right mood now. Timing.
Yes, timing was important with that kind of question.
*********
Look into my eyes - you will see
What you mean to me
Search your heart - search your soul
And when you find me there you'll search no more
Don't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
You can't tell me it's not worth dyin' for
You know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you
Look into my heart - you will find
There's nothin' there to hide
Take me as I am - take my life
I would give it all I would sacrifice
Don't tell me it's not worth fightin' for
I can't help it there's nothin' I want more
Ya know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you
*********
Jack returned to the office an hour later, having gotten “lunch” he claimed. Lunch was no less than two stacked files, that Frank quickly sneaked into his bag when Helen entered the office.
“How’y doing?” she asked Rachel.
“Well, ya know.. it’s hard,” Rachel admitted.
“Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but it’s about to get harder.”
They looked at her questionably.
“Webster and Webster were just in talking to Hawker, and your name came up more than once.”
“Aw crap!” Rachel exclaimed, “I met them at the courthouse, and I guess they decided to tell Jeff.”
Frank sighed.
“Great,” he muttered.
“Jack, there’s a woman looking for you downstairs.”
“I better go.. You two…”
“We can handle it,” Frank assured him. Frankly, he wasn’t sure if they really could, but there was no need to drag Jack into it too.
To his horror he realized he was actually beginning to like the guy.
“C ya Jack,” he called out as Jack left the office, and Rachel shot him one of those looks. He ignored it completely.
Helen was staring too.
“What??!” he asked.
“Nothing, you just…” Helen began, but a voice droning from Jeff’s office interrupted her.
“GOLDSTEIN, my office, NOW!!”
“Good luck!” Helen shot at them, and was gone.
“Shit!” Rachel exclaimed.
“I’ll go with ya,” Frank said, getting up as she did.
“Frank, you don’t have to…”
“Together,” he reminded her, and after only a seconds hesitation, she nodded.
“What’s up Jeff?” she asked as they entered his office. He didn’t look happy. In fact, he looked like a storm heading their way.
“I’ve been lenient with ya Rachel, because of.. well, everything. But I can’t let you do this.”
“Do what?”
“Go on some hunt for revenge.”
“I am not…..” she began, but he got her short.
“Detectives Webster and Adams tell me you’ve been investigating a bit on your own. Rachel, I can’t allow…”
“I can’t let this go Jeff!!!” she yelled.
“I can’t let you do this!” he yelled back.
“Fine!” she replied, “what are you gonna do, take my badge?!”
He said nothing. She stared at him, then banged her badge and gun on the desk.
“Then take it!” she exclaimed.
“Rachel…” he began, but she cut him short.
“Take it!”
“I don’t want to…” He met her gaze, and saw her determination, her anger. Nothing he could say would change it. Better to cut her loose, and hope Frank would be able to help her.
She stared at him for a moment more, then she left the room. A second later Frank’s shield and gun banged onto the desk.
“Frank…”
“You take hers, you take mine.”
“Listen Frank, you can’t…” But Frank was already out the door, following Rachel, slamming the door behind them.
As he caught up with her outside the parking lot, she shot him a glare.
“You shouldn’t have, Frank. Don’t…”
“No,” he interrupted, “don’t tell me don’t. We’re a team Rach.. and I’m here for life.”
She stopped to look up at him. He smiled down at her, affectionately. It suddenly hit her how she couldn’t imagine her world without him in. He was a pillar she rested upon, never falling out below here. When her world fell to pieces, he had been there to pick it up and help her glue it back together.
“Frank.. I don’t think I’ve told you.. how much you mean to me,” she began hesitantly.
“Not in so many words,” he agreed, “but every time I looked in your eyes.. I just knew.”
“Like this,” she asked, and looked him deeply in the eyes.
“Yeah…” he replied, “and when you kissed me…”
“Like this…” she said, and leaned forward to meet his lips, not caring that the whole Station probably saw it. Hell, the rumors were already flying, why not give them something to really talk about!
His lips were warm, comforting, and she let herself open up to that feeling so much she forgot where they were.
It wasn’t until they broke off, she saw Jack standing a few meters away. His face was unreadable, totally blank.
“I’ll just be a sec,” she said to Frank, gesturing to Jack. He nodded, then leaned down to whisper in her ear.
“Be gentle with him.. but don’t tell him I said that.” She looked amazed after him, as he walked away a bit, giving them space.
“Rachel,” Jack greeted and she lifted her gaze from Frank to him.
“Heya Jack…. Listen, I’ve…”
“Don’t,” he interrupted, “I know what I saw, and that paints a picture I’m not in.”
She closed her eyes. She didn’t want to hurt his feelings.. but on the other hand she couldn’t play this game anymore. It wasn’t fair to Frank.
“I’m sorry Jack…” she said, honestly, “but…”
“You and Frank, yes, I know,” he replied.
She nodded slowly.
“I’m sorry,” she once again offered, “and I should get going…”
“Well, good luck to ya,” he replied, and she gave him half a smile as she turned and walked away. And he stood there, looking at them as they walked away from him, a terrible, terrible sense of loss filling him.
************
Took a walk and passed your house late last night
All the shades were pulled and drawn way down tight
From within, the dim light cast two silhouettes on the shade
Oh what a lovely couple they made
Put his arms around your waist, held you tight
Kisses I could almost taste in the night
Wondered why I'm not the guy who's silhouette's on the shade
I couldn't hide the tears in my eyes
************
“So Jonathon were involved in this smuggling business, you reckon?” she asked as they looked at the files scattered all over the kitchen table.
“He defended these guys, but then he suddenly handed the case over to someone else. It doesn’t make sense. It’s not something he would do. Once he gets into a case, he doesn’t just let go, especially when he has a fair chance of winning. R at least that’s my impression of him.”
“Yeah.. I think you’re right on that. So ya think he discovered the guys was guilty?”
“It has to be more that that, I mean, lawyers, they don’t really care about that.”
She considered that for a moment, than gave him a nod, and dived back into the files.
“Helen know that we’re ‘borrowing’ these?” she asked after a while.
“Helen had to go out for coffee just then,” he grinned, “officially at least.”
“Officially,” she repeated, sending Helen a silent thanks.
“I hafta find a way to sneak them back in tomorrow though, without Jeff taking my head off.”
“Such a pretty head too,” she remarked. He looked up from the file to give her a smile
"This is interesting...Apparently, the neighbors complained that there were some trouble outside your ex's house. When a police officer came to check it out, both your ex and the other guy said it was just a disagreement."
"What was the other guy's name?" she asked, leaning over to peak at what he was reading.
"Ummm... Carl Anderson."
"That rings a bell," she said slowly, trying to connect the dots.
"It should.. that's one of the guy's which case he dropped," Frank stated, and their eyes met. It wasn't like the last piece of the puzzle felt in place.. it was more like they finally saw the puzzle.
"Carl Anderson," she said, and to Frank, it sounded like a death sentence.
"Hang on," he interrupted, "We don't know if he's connected to this yet."
She gave him a look that told him quite the opposite. "I know he is," she replied, "I know it. He has something to do with is."
Her jaw was set, he could almost sense the unspoken "he'll pay" in the air. Bringing Rach into his and Jack's investigation might not have been such a great idea.. but if he hadn't, he knew she'd gone out on her own, and that would have been worse. At least now he could keep an eye on her. Picking up the phone, he started dialing.
"Who are you calling?"
"Someone who can dig something up on this Carl Anderson guy," he replied, "Yeah, Jack, it's Frank."
"Jack?" she mouthed, but he just winked at her. "Listen, we need some info on a Carl Anderson.. yeah... yes.. yeah, I know.. uh huh.. okay, tomorrow morning, breakfast.. yeah, got it...c ya mate!"
"Mate?? Breakfast?? JACK?!" she asked incredulously. He shrugged his shoulders.
"He's not that half bad.."
"Frank.. We're talking about Jack here, remember? The guy you used to refer to what's-his-name."
"Yeah, Jack," he replied, and she stared at him like snakes were growing out of his head.
"Anyway, he's gonna dig up stuff on this Anderson guy till tomorrow, and I'll meet him for breakfast, so you can sleep in," he said, when she kept staring.
"Francis James Holloway!"
"What?" he said innocently. She just kept staring at him.
"You're not.. Liking him, are you?" she asked.
"Why, you jealous?" he teased.
"I just didn't think you and Jack.. Hit it off very well, that's all."
"He's not half bad," Frank repeated, "Now, I don't think there's much more we can do tonight... Bedtime?"
"You have only one thing on your mind, Holloway," she snorted.
"Actually, two things. You and bed. Preferably in the same sentence." He leaned forward to meet her lips, put she stopped him with a hand.
"Now, on one condition... You tell me exactly what you and Jack have been up tomorrow morning." He nodded, and she removed her hand, then met his lips. And for the time being, she let the demons in her head get a rest.
*******
"Come on Rach, how long are you going to be in the shower? You're using up all the hot water!" Frank complained, checking the time for the hundredth time that morning. At this rate, they would be late for the meeting. That wouldn't please Jack too much, he knew.
"I'm coming, I'm coming!" came her voice through the door, "Geez.. we could always share the water!"
"Too distracting," he replied, chuckling a bit. In fact, just the thought was distracting.. her in hot running water, and him... He forcefully shoved the thought away, this was not the time.... Tonight might be though.
"Done," she exclaimed, entering the kitchen, drying her hair.
"Great, just be a sec," he exclaimed, and went to have his shower. She smiled after him, and pushed away an image of him.. showering. Instead she made herself a cup of coffee, pacing around it the kitchen. Funny how at home she felt. Even if her moving in was not like *that* it was beginning to feel a bit like.. *that*. And despite sleeping with him, it didn't feel like anything had changed between them.. it was more like they had added an extra layer. Maybe it was the situation, or maybe..
"Not yet," she told herself, "Don't go there yet. Wait." She heard him hum on a tune in the shower, then he suddenly stopped dead.
"CCCCCCCCCCCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLD!!!" he screamed, and she almost fell over the counter laughing. She heard the water being turned off, and a very wet and cold Frank entered the kitchen.
"You used up all the hot water!!" he accused her, and she nodded, falling over in a fit of laughter. "I'm.. sorry.." she gasped, but only laughed harder when he looked at her sourly.
"Is it *that* funny?" he asked, and she only nodded. He found himself wanting to laugh with her, it was becoming harder and harder to stay mad. Especially since he hadn't seen her laugh this hard since.. since, well, since *it* had happened.
"I guess I should have said yes to that sharing offer," he muttered. She nodded, totally out of breath from laughing so hard. And he found he wasn't so mad after all as he went upstairs to get properly dressed.
Part Three
