- Darkness Ascending
By Camilla Sandman
Disclaimer: Oh come on, Hal like kills them and stuff. Wouldn’t ya all prefer they were mine?
Author’s Note: Me and Julia were discussing Rachel’s last words the other night/morning (depends if you look at it from my time, or hers), and I made a point of her choice of words. This is an attempt to explain them, from Rachel’s POV. Tissue warning!! (They didn’t call me Queen of Short-Sobs at the Voy list for nothing)
And some words to consider...
"Animals die
Friends die
You will die in the same matter
But the words glory
Will never die
In honorable reminisce"
(From "Håvamål" ["Words of the God"], ancient Norse literature)
******
Oh God.. I am dying. I have been stabbed.. just like you said Frank... one day a guy with a gun or a knife will appear, and that will be the end. I’m heading into the long night.
And there’s thousand regrets, a thousand things I should have said. A thousand reasons to live, but outweighing reason to die.
I’ve been stabbed. Oh God Jack.. it hurts! And I can feel myself beginning to drift, away from the pain, out to the ocean to ride on the winds. I must will myself to stay... but the pain..
Ah, the pain... It hurts Frank, it hurts...like this stabbing pain now, so was the pain when you left me. Pain everywhere. It hurts to breathe, to keep my eyes open. I want to sleep.. to dream.
You know, sometimes I wonder what it would have been like if I did sail off with you Frank. I dream about it... Just sometimes.. when I look at the postcards. Just sometimes.. when I hear your name. Or just sometimes when I look at the ocean.. and I wonder... would it have been fantastic? You said it would.
Jack... please don’t grieve for me. You’ll get over it. You have to.
Oh Frank.... I want you to know that… I think.. that if Mick hadn’t knocked on that door that evening before you left… if you had kissed me.. if I had spent the night... I would have known… and then I might have gone with you. And I wouldn’t be bleeding like now, dying slowly.
I’m scared Frank... Why didn’t I go with you?
But there was David... Oh David.. and now there’s Jack.. I love Jack. I hope he knows it.. But it doesn’t stop me from wondering what it would have been like, you and me Frank.
And I so wonder now that I am dying.. For I am.. I see it in the fear in Jack’s eyes. And my blood, my blood is everywhere.
I wonder...
Would we have made it to Venezuela?
Would we have told each other how we felt?
Would we had made it as a couple?
Would it have been the real thing?
Would it have been fantastic?
Oh Frank... All things I never said… Please know them. As I know the things you never said.
Oh Jack, sweet Jack, I do love you.. don’t grieve too hard...
Dad, dear dad... You know. I do not need to tell you...
Oh David... David...
Jack is talking to me, I have to tell him.. I have to..
“Do me a... David, David.. tell him,” I whisper. He must tell him.
“No, no, you’ll tell him.” He doesn’t want to face it.
“Please?” He must. David is so young. He may not..
“You’ll tell him Rach,” Jack insists, but it isn’t true, and we both know it Jack.
“Please?” Pain is everywhere. But I cannot go just yet.
“You will.” No, no, Jack, you must tell him. Please, please, if you love me you will tell him.
“Please, please, Jack, please, Jack...” I will him to understand.
“All right, I’ll tell him, I will, I’ll tell him, all right?”
His voice is drifting from me, he is saying something I cannot hear, but he will tell David. David will know.
Poor Jack. I’m dying. He’s trying to convince me I won’t, but I will. Oh God.. I am dying...
And I’m scared Jack. I don’t want to leave you. I don’t want to die...
I’m scared Frank.. Frank? Is that you? Is it the boat? Have you come back for me? Can you see him Jack? Can you see Frank waving to me?
“Is that.. Frank?” I whisper to him, wanting him to acknowledge it. His eyes widen.
Oh Frank.. It is you. I’m sorry Jack.. I want you to understand.. I cannot stay this time. I have to go. But do not grieve for me, I am safe.
I cannot see you anymore Jack.. but I see someone else I love, who has come for me.
For it is Frank, and his strong arms encircle me.
Darkness is ascending, but I am not afraid and I am not alone.
I am not alone.
*****
Fini
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