Title: From the desk of Camilla Sandman
Written: 26th of December 1999
Author: Camilla Sandman
Disclaimer: Julia said I could borrow the Rat cat.. It – the cat from “A Year in the Life: March” - is my creation, Hal owns Rachel and Frank (for now, I will get them some day!), Voyager belongs to Paramount.. anyone else we need to disclaim here? Yeah, um.. Sim.. I guess you own yourself, right? And Julia and Jaye.. and hell, I know no one owns me but me!
Author’s Note: Just how this idea happened.. DON’T ASK!!!!!
Summary: 2 cats, a ship, 2 detectives, alternate universes and a hell of a lot of technobabble… what the smeg is going on???
******
“Activate the beam.. now!” chimed Janeway from her chair to the bridge crew of U.S.S Voyager.
****
Freeze.
“Hang on, why are you writing about Voyager?”
“Huh?”
“This is supposed to be a Water Rats story!”
“It will be Sim.. be patient, okay?”
“Right.”
Play.
****
“Beam activated,” replied Tom Paris, and a bright blue light filled the bridge. But instead of the expected Najiraan Negotiator appearing on the bridge, nothing seemed to appear at all. Just..
“Meow!” Rat looked around to find that he was no longer sleeping happily on top of Rachel, but instead were lying on a rather cold steel floor. And surrounded by weird looking mean people who were staring! So Rat decided to do as he always did when mean people were near him.. he bolted!
“Mr. Tuvok.. get that cat!” Janeway exclaimed, trying to see where the furred lightning had headed to.
“Yes, captain!” Tuvok replied, searching the floor. But Rat was quicker, diving behind a panel. There was lots of funny wires around that panel, and Rat couldn’t resist pulling it.
The bridge went black.
There was a long silence.
“I don’t suppose anyone would care to get that cat before the ship is stranded here,” Janeway said, grateful the dark was hiding her efforts to not laugh.
“Meow!” came the reply, followed by another “meow!” from the other side of the room, and surely, as the light flickered back on, there was two cats on the bride, staring at each other.
‘I’m Rat,’ the first cat announced.
‘I’m It,’ the second cat meowed back.
‘Ya think we should run? These mean people are trying to catch us!’
‘Yeah, I don’t like them!’
And both cats bolted.
****
Freeze.
“Cam, aren’t Rat and It from.. I dunno.. alternate universes?”
“Yeah.. why?”
“Forget I asked!”
Play.
****
“Tuvok, Chakotay! Get those cats!!” Janeway ordered, diving for It herself, but the cat bolted elegantly out of the way, causing Janeway to fall flat on her face.
Chakotay had better luck with Rat, catching the cat as it dived for cover under his chair. He held it up in triumph in front of Janeway, who was getting up. She smirked at him.
“Nice catch!”
But It was still loose, and heading for the science panel. Kim had a desperate attempt to catch him, but It was on a roll and landed promptly on the panel.
The ship went black again.
When the light flickered back on, Kim proudly lifted up It.. only to drop his jaw on the floor.
On the bridge of Voyager stood two humans, obviously in the middle of a heated argument.
“No, Frank, I said no!!” the woman announced.
“Rach, grow up!” the man snapped back.
They both froze dead. It and Rat meowed happily. Their owners were here!!
****
Freeze.
“Cam, are you sure all that alcohol was worn off?”
“Yeah.. I’m sober.. Why do you ask?”
“No particular reason… Sending Frank and Rachel to Voyager is perfectly normal! Yes.. I’m just gonna call Julia, she’s into nursing, maybe she knows..”
“Knows what?”
“Umm.. nothing. Just write on.”
Play.
****
“Frank…?”
“Yeah?”
“Pinch me! Ouch, not that hard!”
“Sorry!”
They both stared at each other, then at everyone staring at them.
It finally managed to wriggle out of Kim’s grasp and ran as fast as it’s little legs would carry it to Frank, rubbing against his feet.
“Meow!” It declared, ‘I’m so happy too see you, all these people were trying to catch me! They’re mean!’
“Meow!” Rat chimed in, ‘They tried to catch me too!!’
“Rat!” Rachel declared, and it jumped out of Chakotay’s hands and into hers. Frank lifted up It as well, having a strange feeling he should know who It was.
“Umm… heya,” Frank declared, and finally one of the people staring at him seemed to get over the surprise.
“I’m Captain Janeway of the Starship U.S.S Voyager. I.. assume the cats are yours?”
“It would.. umm.. appear so. I’m.. Frank Holloway.. this is Rachel Goldstein.. and ummm… a starship you say?” Frank said, trying to sound cool, casual, like this was a situation he ended up in every day and was used to dealing with.
****
Freeze.
“Julia?”
“Heya Sim, why are you whispering?”
“I think Cam’s lost it! She’s writing about Frank and Rachel on Voyager!”
“Oh my God! I’ll be right there!!”
“Sim, who are you talking to on the phone?”
“No one Cam.. you just write your little story and everything will be fine!”
Play.
****
“Yes,” Janeway replied, “I assume you are human?”
“Is the other options?” Rachel asked, finally managing to get something sensible out of her mouth. Then she noticed Tuvok and stared. Rat had happily curled up on her arm and was staring mockingly at the strange man with pointed ears who had tried to catch him.
It had crawled up on Frank’s shoulder, where it was high over the floor and the nasty people.
“Captain, if I may?” Tuvok asked, “I think I have an explanation to this.”
“Go ahead Tuvok.”
“Obviously, our anti-matter beam had a slight miscalculation, instead of allowing us to beam up through the planets atmosphere, it created a time-space flux, making us beam up an entity from an alternate universe.”
“I see… but everything that happened afterwards?”
“The after effects of the beam drew other entities from this universe in as well.”
“Yes.. that makes sense. So should we watch out for more entities from this universe?”
The bridge fell black again.
****
Freeze.
“Thank God you’re here, I think Cam’s gone totally over the hiiiiiiiiiiiiiill!”
“Oh, yeah? You haven’t seen nothing yet!”
Play.
*****
“hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiill!” came the voice of a young female.
“Oh shit,” Janeway said, as the light flickered on to reveal two young females standing besides Frank and Rachel, who just stared.
“What the…?” one of them declared, then took a look at the people standing beside her, “Frank!! Rachel!! Oh my God!”
“And you would be…?” Frank asked, trying to figure out just how much he had to drink this morning. He couldn’t remember drinking anything, but…
“I’m Julia, this is Sim.. and CAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!”
****
Freeze.
“Oh shut up Julia, you know you’re enjoying this!”
Play.
****
“Who’s this Cam person then?” Janeway asked, trying to figure out just what she were supposed to do with 2 cats, 4 people and a beam gone wrong.
“She’s the author.. she’s… crazy.”
“The author?”
“Yes, of this fanfic!”
“Fanfic?” Frank asked, frowning.
“Yes… she’s usually pretty good, but this time she has gone too far! Ya can’t mix a Voyager and Water Rats fanfic!”
****
Freeze.
“Yes, you can, now shut up or I’ll send ya to another universe instead!”
Play.
****
“Alright!” Julia snapped, to no one in particular, causing the rest to turn around looking for yet another one appearing on the bridge, but no one seemed to come.
“Hey Julia… doesn’t Star Trek have replicator technology?” Sim leaned in to whisper.
“Yeah.. OOOOOOOOO!! Unlimited booze!!”
“Unlimited booze?” Frank said, catching the last part, “sounds good to me… I could do with booze right about now.. what about you Rach?”
“Hell yeah!”
“Captain.. I suggest we put these.. humans in some quarters while we figure out how to get them back where they belong.”
“Good idea Tuvok.. That way we can figure out how to get them back undisturbed.”
So, minutes later, Frank, Rachel, Rat, It, Sim and Julia were put in the conference room. Unfortunately, there was a replicator there, so soon the floor were littered with bottles, and everyone had their fair share.
Rat and It curled up on the table and discussed the best ways to catch fish. Sim and Julia were eyeing Frank, while Rachel did her best to pump them for information and keep the away from Frank.
“So… ya like write about us?” she asked, wondering why that made sense. It had to be the alcohol.
“Hell yeah,” Sim declared, pausing only to have another taste of romulan ale, “I mean, I did a few… Not nearly as many as Rachel Wakely, she’s the queen… and Julia’s done her fair share.. ya did that car crash didn’t ya Jules?”
“That was YOU!!” Rachel hissed, glaring at Julia, who suddenly realized what it must be like to be Frank Holloway and get *that* look.
“Well, Cam’s worse… She.. umm… killed Jack!”
“My kind of girl,” Frank remarked
“She killed you too! And David once!”
“She killed me too?” Frank snorted, heading for a refill. He liked Pomulan Ale or whatever they had called it.
“So.. she’s the mein.. mean one,” Rachel remarked, trying to nab the remaining bottle of ale before Frank did.
“Yeah.. but not all the time.. she does sheam.. steam I mean,” Sim grinned
“Steam?”
“Yeah.. you two steam stuff.. like in the shower.. remember that one Julia? Oh bugger, I need a refill.”
“You two - as in me and Rach?” Frank asked, getting several ideas.
“Yeeep.. cos she’s a Frank/Rachel fan, and not to into Frank/Jack stuff… oops, I mean Rachel/Jack sthuff.”
“Ya mean I do it.. with HIM?” Rachel said with a snicker.
“Hey!”
“What?”
“I’m good at it ya know, ya just haven’t given me a chance!” Frank declared, winking.
****
Freeze.
“Hang on, who wrote that winking part! That wasn’t me… Jaye!”
“Heya Cam!”
“You trying to nick my story here!”
“Nah.. but I thought it could use more steam.”
“It’s a fluff!”
“We can make it a steamy fluff…”
“I like the way your mind works! Okay, steamy fluff it is. We better get rid of Sim and Julia then.”
“Yeah.. any idea where we should stick them?”
“I’ll think of something…”
Play.
****
A blue light suddenly filled the room, and with a flash Julia and Sim were gone.
“Wh-where did they go to?” Frank asked, frowning.
“Who cares.. Frank, care to prove you’re as good as you claim?”
****
Freeze.
“Ain’t that a bit sudden Jaye? I mean, they just jump each other?”
“Why not? People buy *anything*!!”
“Yeah.. hehe.”
“Where did ya stick Sim and Julia?”
“Oh, just someplace they should feel right at home.”
“Great.. write on! This story isn’t writing itself!”
“Sorry!”
Play.
****
He stared at her, then slowly reached out across the table to kiss her. She leaned in, meeting halfway across. Rat and It just stared as their owners locked lips in a deep, sensual kiss.
‘Humans do that occasionally,’ Rat explained to It, ‘and then they do some funny sheet business as well.’
‘They lick each other?’
‘That too sometimes.’
Their owners seemed to have forgotten all about them now, making out heavily on the table.
****
Freeze.
“You’re gonna make them do it on the table?”
“Why not Jaye?”
“It’s uncomfortable, that’s why Cam!”
“Yeah?”
“*Trust* me!”
Play.
****
But they managed to roll of it as Rachel tried to pull Frank’s jacket off.
“Ouch!” she moaned into his mouth as they hit the floor. The cats peaked down at them, curious.
“You’re beautiful,” he muttered
“Don’t get all sentimental on me now, Holloway!” she laughed. Then she found better use of her lips.
****
Freeze.
“Tactful fade-out Cam!”
“Thank you! I learned from the best! Hey, care to open another bottle of Bailey’s?”
“Not at all!”
“Splendid.. and now, on with the story!”
Play.
****
When Janeway entered her conference room with Chakotay a while later, she found two cats sitting on the table, and two semi-dressed humans asleep on the floor.
“What the smeg…?” she asked.
****
Freeze.
“Cam! This isn’t Red Dwarf!”
“Right.. sorry!”
Play.
****
“What the hell…?” she asked, taking in the whole scene.
“Looks like they.. umm..” Chakotay trailed off as he found his captain staring intently at him.
“Chakotay,” she purred, then backed him slowly into a corner, “I never noticed how attractive you looked in blue lightning.”
“Oh Kathryn…”
And they finally kissed as a blue light engulfed the 2 cats and their owners and whisked them away.
****
Freeze.
“Janeway and Chakotay?”
“Oh, come on Jaye, ya know what a hopeless romantic I am!”
“Yeah, alright, so they can kiss!”
“Yay!”
Play.
****
Rachel woke up, sweating. What a horrible nightmare! She and Frank had been on a starship and..
“I gotta stop drinking!” she sighed, then felt a breath in her hair. Slowly, she turned her head to look straight into the features of a sleeping Frank Holloway.
“Shit!” she declared, “okay, but that doesn’t mean..”
“Meow!” said It, sitting on top of Frank alongside Rat, looking at her.
Rachel closed her eyes, and swore silently to never touch a drop of alcohol again. Then she drifted into sleep in the very crowded bed, not even noticing she snuggled up to Frank in her sleep.
****
Freeze.
“There!”
“All done?”
“Don’t ya reckon?”
“Yeah.. good ending!”
“Thanks! I have this odd feeling that I have forgotten something though…”
Play.
****
Meanwhile, in teletubby land, 2 young girls were the center of attention, being poked by several colorful… creatures.
“CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!!! You’re a dead woman!!”
****
“Oooooops! I knew there was something I had forgotten…”
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