Title: More From the Desk of Camilla Sandman
Author: Camilla Sandman
Date: 28th of December
Disclaimer: Hell, I’ve long since lost count of who I should disclaim these days. To put it simply, if they ain’t mine, they belong to someone else. Everyone got that?
Author’s Note: Just how many series can Cam cross over? And just how much can one cat mess up?
****
“Oh Rachel,” Frank purred, nibbling on her earlobe. She smiled into his hair, letting her hands trace his back, pushing up his shirt as she went upwards. His hands were busy working the clasp of her bra, and she giggled when he had no immediate success.
“Having trouble Francis?”
“It’s… stuck,” he muttered. She threw her head back and laughed.
“It’s so good to have things back to normal,” she grinned, “and allow me to give you a hand…”
****
Freeze.
“Heya Cam, what’s up?”
“Oh, hey Pip! Nothing much, just writing some Frank and Rachel steam.”
“Oh great!”
“Yeah.. weren’t you the one who wanted more steam on the list?”
“Yep.”
“Ya got it!”
“I noticed… Hey, where have ya stuck the rest of the gang?”
“Ya mean Sim, Julia, Jaye and the gang?”
“Yeah…”
“Well, I mean, did ya read Julia’s latest? The power has clearly gone to her head. And she and Jaye kept bitchin about getting some privacy with Frank. So I put them somewhere to cool off.”
“Where’s that?”
“Interesting you should ask…”
Play.
****
3 millions years away from Earth are the mining ship Red Dwarf, stranded in space. All alone in the night.
Now, normally, the crew would consist of Dave Lister, the last human alive, Arnold Judas Rimmer, a hologram, Kryten, the mechanoid and a creature evolved from cats simply called… Cat.
But today… Today was a very different day…
“When I get my hands on that.. Norwegian! I’m gonna.. ohh…”
“Not if I get my hands on her first!!”
“Julia, Jaye, calm down, if we just talk to Cam, I’m sure she’ll be reasonable.”
****
Freeze.
“Wanna bet Sim?”
Play.
****
Rimmer peaked in.
“Aah, greetings aliens!” he declared cheerfully.
“For the millionth time, we’re not aliens!” Jaye sighed, “and why oh why did ya stuck us here Cam? We don’t deserve this cruelty!”
“I like it here,” Sim grinned, eyeing Rimmer who was still being cheerfully.
Lister and Kryten entered.
“Ma’ams,” Kryten said politely, “we are trying to establish just how you got here.”
“Not that we’re complaining!” Lister shot in, smiling at Julia.
“Oh we know what got us here!” Julia said testily, “Cam stuck us here! And there’s not even a replicator here!”
“Yeah, where’s the booze?” Suz shot in.
****
Freeze.
“Are they always bitching like this Cam?”
“Just wait till they start fighting over who should have Frank again..”
“How is he doing?”
“Wanna peak in?”
“Hell yeah!”
Play.
****
Frank slowly dipped Rachel onto the bed, kissing her shoulders as they went down. As they reached the mattress, he popped up on his elbows, gazing at her.
“Rachel Goldstein,” he grinned, “you are…”
The house went black.
****
Freeze.
“ISHMAEL!!! You bad, baaaad cat!! Get off the keyboard! You’re ruining.. SHIT!!!”
Play.
****
The light flickered on. Or rather, they appeared in a lighted room.
“Frank?”
“Yeah?”
“It happened again, didn’t it?”
“Yeah.”
“Shit!”
****
Freeze.
“Pip, grab Ishmael! He’s mixing the timelines here! He’s… NO, ISHMAEL, no THAT button!! Oh hell, where did ya send Pip to?”
“Meow!”
Play.
****
In the meantime, aboard the space station Babylon 5…
“Ivanova.. did 2 naked people just appear on the bridge?”
“Yes, sir. Though actually, they are covering themselves in a sheet.”
“Yes.. and are two cats sitting on my shoulders?”
“Yes, sir.”
Captain of the last best hope for peace, John Sheridan, sighed.
“I thought Cam promised to leave this universe alone!”
****
Freeze.
“Yeah… umm.. sorry about this Johnny… umm.. I’ll fix it, I promise!”
Play.
****
“You better, of Friday’s off!”
****
Freeze.
“I’m on it, I’m on it!! Bugger, everyone has gone into different universes! Okay, Sim first, Sim, where are ya?”
Play.
****
“I surrender! Totally and fully!” Rimmer squeaked, backing into a corner. Sim was advancing fast.
“I just love it when you’re a coward!” she grinned.
“Oh smeg!”
****
Freeze.
“Hell, they can wait! Okay.. Pip, Pip, Pip, where are you?”
Play.
****
“Mulder?”
“Yes Scully?”
“Is it just me, or did a girl just appear in our office?”
“And just as I were about to kiss you too..”
And suddenly, the girl was gone again, in a flash of blue light. Unfortunately, one of Lister’s 3 million year old socks had come along for the ride and was left behind. 5 years later it evolved into a creature that proved Mulder’s theory of aliens inhabiting the Earth.
****
Freeze.
“Geez Cam!”
“Sorry Pip!”
“Sorry??!! It was just getting interesting! He was gonna kiss her!”
“Sorry.. we can go back there and play some other time! Right now ya gotta help me fix this! I think Julia and Lister went somewhere, and he hasn’t gotten laid in like 4 ice ages.. Julia will never forgive me!”
“I see your point! Well, where can Ishmael have sent them to.. Voyager?”
“Nah.. checked there. Sarah’s over there taking notes, she’ll let me know if anyone turns up. Right Sarah?”
Play.
****
“Sure will Cam.. God, I love replicators!”
****
Freeze.
“Don’t we all?”
“Cam?”
“Yeah?”
“I think I found Julia and Lister..”
“Oh, great! Where?”
“You better see for yourself…”
Play.
****
Mitch Buchannon smiled at his colleagues, the tall big-breasted blonde, and the 2nd Place Winner of Mr. Body Builder America 1997, who promptly disappeared and a young girl and a human male.. technically at least. Unfortunately, the swim suits stayed on.
“Oh my God! Baywatch Cam?”
****
Freeze.
“Sorry Julia.. It was Ishmael, I swear!!”
Play.
****
“Well, get me out of here!” Lister was staring at her, at the swim suit, at the water..
“Can you run?” he asked hopefully, “through the wet waves?”
****
Meanwhile, on Babylon 5, Frank and Rachel had borrowed some clothes, and were relaxing in Sheridan’s office while Rat and It were playing with a model of the Station.And John Sheridan were telling jokes.
“I don’t believe it.. I’ve finally met someone who tells worse jokes than you,” Rachel whispered.
“Haha,” he whispered back.
“… and then I said zoot! Zoot!”
They laughed politely.
“Well, enough of that. I understand ya know my Cammy girl as well?”
“Your Cammy girl?” Frank asked.
“Oh yes…”
“Well, your Cammy girl can kiss at least,” Frank remarked, getting stares from both Rachel and John Sheridan.
Julia marched in.
“Cam, did ya forget one little detail when ya sent me to this universe?”
****
Freeze.
“What?”
Play.
****
“The swim suit!”
****
Freeze.
“Oh bugger!”
Play.
****
“Hey Julia,” Sheridan greeted, “you and Cam still fighting over that meanness tiara?”
“You know her?” Rachel snapped, “ya know that me-killing female?”
“Rachel, calm down!” Frank shot back
“Oh shut up, I’m not forgetting that you kissed that other girl the last time we were here!”
****
Freeze.
“NOOOOOOOO ISHMAEL!!!”
Play.
****
And in a familiar blue light, Frank promptly vanished and reappeared in a candle-lit bedroom.
“Hello Frank,” called a soft voice, “I’m Jaye.”
“Jaye..” Frank repeated, and suddenly found his arms full of one damn attractive woman, smiling up at him.
“You look fabulous in that leather jacket,” she remarked, “but you’ll look even more fabulous without it!” And with that she ripped it off, tracing his strong arms, his chest.
“Frank,” she purred, pushing him towards the bed.
****
Freeze.
“Ishmael, ya mean cat, where did ya stick Frank?”
“Cam… I just found 3 tons of fish in Ishmael’s room…”
“Someone bribed my cat? Sheez! Since Julia is still on B5, it gotta be Jaye.”
“Any idea where he is?”
“Nope… Sonia! Have ya seen Jaye?”
Play.
****
“No, and would ya mind knocking first? Me and Tommy were in the middle of.. ya know.”
****
Freeze.
“Sorry! Drat! Hang on…”
Play.
****
Frank found himself unable to resist anymore, as Jaye traced small circles on his chest with kisses. His hands were in her hair, stroking it slowly. He lifted her face up to meet her lips in a deep kiss that took both their breath away.
“Hold it right there!” Julia declared, appearing in the room.
“Damn,” Jaye cursed, “how did ya get here?”
“You’re not the only one who can bribe cats!”
“Well, Frank’s mine! We were in the middle of something here!”
“Oh yeah?” Julia snorted, grabbing Frank and placing a big wet one on his lips, “now he and I are in the middle of something!”
“Yeah?” Jaye shot back, grabbing Frank from Julia, kissing him thoroughly.
“He and I were more in the middle of something!”
****
Freeze.
“Great.. just great.. Ishmael, you have been a bad cat! Now go to your room!”
“How are ya gonna fix this one Cam?”
“I dunno Pip.. Esme, what are you doing here? I thought you were on vacation!”
“I am, but I know how to solve this problem..”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
Play.
****
“He’s mine!”
“No, he’s mine!” Julia shot back.
“Actually, he’s mine,” Rachel declared, appearing in the room, and glaring at both of them and the exhausted Frank just lying on the bed.
Both women stopped dead.
“And you two…” Rachel continued, “hands off!”
“Hey,” Jaye protested, “he’s just so damn cute!”
“Yeah,” Julia chipped in, “I mean, look at him!”
Frank peaked up and moaned.
Jaye leaned in towards Rachel and smiled.
“Okay Rachel let’s cut a deal here…. you can have… I want him Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays you can have him Sunday Tuesday, Thursay, Saturday.... you get an extra day.... that’s fair i think.......”
”Hey!” Julia shouted, ”what’s this??!!”
Rachel stared at both of them, then grabbed Frank.
“Most certainly not! Cam, ya mind getting us out of here?”
****
Freeze.
“Not at all Rach.. I will be needing you and Frank for the next part of A Year in the Life soon though!”
Play.
****
“Cam, please, we want Frank!” Julia pleaded.
****
Freeze.
“Girls, girls, Colin is coming over tomorrow, and we have worked out a rotating schedule.”
Play.
****
“Yay! Okay, we’re coming back.”
****
Freeze.
“Ah, all back now.. Wait, I think I have forgotten someone again… Sim!”
Play.
****
“Don’t worry about it Cam, me and Rimsy are just fine.. And Cam?”
****
Freeze.
“Yes?”
Play.
****
“If Red Dwarf is a-rocking, don’t come a-knocking!”
****
Freeze.
“Got ya! And Johnny, Friday is still on now that I have fixed it all?”
Play.
****
“Yeah.. but do remember to call first, the last time you caught me in the shower!”
****
Freeze.
“I don’t recall hearing any complaints! Anyway, things should be back to normal now…”
Play.
****
Frank woke up shivering, realizing Rachel had pulled the blanket off him. Snuggling in to her, he managed to get a flick of the blanket to cover the most basic areas.
He had had that strange nightmare again, the one with all the women wanting him, the “fanfic” women.
“Thank God this is real,” he grinned, and the grin grew wider as he noticed Rachel was very awake..
****
Freeze.
“Ah, yes, normality! Next round is on me ladies!”
“No, me!”
“Sarah, you’re back!”
“Yeah, and I brought gifts.. a replicator!”
“Yesss!! Hey Julia, where did your kittens drift off to?”
“I dunno.. Where’s Ishmael?”
Play
****
“Frank?”
“Yeah?”
“We have 6 cats now.”
“Oh shit!”
****
Freeze.
“Oooopsss…”
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