- Title: Dangerous Games of the Heart
Author: Camilla Sandman
Date written: 30th January
E-mail addy: Cammy_Sandy@hotmail.com
Category: Frank/Rachel/Jack romance.. and no, NOT a threesome
Timeframe: Alternate season 4
Disclaimer: Blah, blah, blah, if I owned them, don’t ya reckon I’d lock myself in with Frank and not emerge for years???
Author’s Note: A story I have been brewing on for a few weeks, this is a close as ya’ll ever get to an actual Jack/Rachel story by me..
Heaps of thanks to Sarah for beta reading!! You rock my dear, totally and utterly and so much I’d make you an honorary Norwegian!!!
Lyrics: (Part Two) Torn Between Two Lovers - Mary MacGregor: Words and Music by Peter Yarrow (of Peter, Paul , and Mary) and Phil Jarrel, One More Addiction - Natalie Imbruglia (Sarah’s suggestions.. thanks!!)
The poem at the end is an old Indian prayer, author unknown
PART TWO
There's been another man that I've needed and I've loved
But that doesn't mean I love you less
And he knows you can't possess me and he knows he never will
There's just this empty place inside of me that only he can fill
Torn between two lovers, feelin' like a fool
Lovin' both of you is breakin' all the rules
Torn between two lovers, feelin' like a fool
Lovin' you both is breakin' all the rules
You mustn't think you've failed me just because there's someone else
You were the first real love I ever had
And all the things I ever said, I swear they still are true
For no one else can have the part of me I gave to you
********
I’m a coward. Facing both of them at the hospital was just too much. I still had the taste of Frank on my lips, while Jack were lying there in the bed, beaming at me. I felt the choice so heavy upon me, but I couldn’t make it. Not there, not then, not with them so close at hand. So I ran.
I am such a coward! Not only did I run from the hospital, I ran all the way to Jeff and asked for some time off. By the time Frank managed to come after me, I was on a ferry out to the islands. Helen told me he came bursting through the doors like he had the Devil on his tail.
I know he is worried, and I know Jack is too. But I need time. To think.
And to make a choice.
~~~~~~~~
Rachel Goldstein looked up the setting sun with a sigh. It was her 3rd night at the small cabin she had rented, and she was still uneasy. She felt a bit more in control though, which had kind of been the point. Helen was the only one who knew where she was, and she wouldn’t tell in a million years.
Frank and Jack were probably out looking, but she wasn’t ready to face them. She would never be ready. But at least she could prepare herself.
Turning away from the amazing sunset, she began walking towards the cabin with slow steps. The sand felt warm under her feet and she felt something like peace crawl up to her heart.
All worries left her as she only felt the warm sand and the sun in her back. Closing her eyes, she took a step forward and...
“Ooph!!”
She met something soft, and the smell told her quite clearly who it was, if the voice hadn’t given him away already.
Jack Christey.
Opening her eyes she did indeed look into his clear eyes. He was leaning on crutches, but seemed otherwise fine.
“Jack,” she muttered, “how did ya find me?”
“I am a detective,” he reminded her. Neither moved, still standing so close their noses touched. Slowly, he leaned forward, kissing her gently. She froze, but didn’t resist. His lips felt so warm, and if she closed her eyes..
She shoved him hard, he overbalanced, falling backwards. The sand pretty much caught his fall, and he looked more confused than anything.
“What did I do?” he asked.
“Jack.. don’t,” she pleaded.
“What’s wrong with you??”
She closed her eyes, knowing she had to tell him.
“Jack.. I.. Me and Frank.. we..” She searched for words, trying to find a way to convey it without hurting him too much. He stared intently at her.
“You had been hurt, and I was worried, and Frank comforted me, and..”
“You screwed him?!” Jack cut in. A hurt look flashed across his face, before he regained his composure.
“Jack, it wasn’t…” He cut her short again.
“Jumping from your partner to your ex-partner, eh??” he said sarcastically.
She fell silent. What could she say after all?
“So that’s it, eh? You and Frank sail into the sunset?”
“No, it’s not like that, it’s..”
“Like what? You know what Rachel, I don’t want to know. I think you have made it pretty clear where I stand!”
With that he got slowly to his feet, picking up the crutches and moving slowly away from her. She was on the verge of calling him back several times, but had no idea what to say.
“But I love you Jack,” she whispered when he was out of hearing range.
It's the only thing I know how to do
I reject you, but I can't follow through
I'd forget you, but you'd end up tappin' on my back door
Somehow I lost myself in a tunnel long and black
Somewhere at the end I pretend there's a way of turning back
*********
She showed up at the office bright and early on Monday morning, marching into the office with a new-found confidence. She was surprised to find both the men in her life there, and the way they grew silent when she came in, she reckoned they had been talking about her.
“Frank. Jack,” she said icily. She was cool, she was calm, she was in control. She was.. a damn fool!! But the decision had been made.
“I’m transferring out,” she declared, throwing her bag on the desk. Whatever they had expected, that didn’t seem to be it.
“What?!” Jack yelled, while Frank just stared.
“But Rach.. We don’t want you to,” Frank said after a few seconds shocked silence, “me and Jack have discussed this, and we’ll give ya space, you know, whatever you need to make a choice.”
There it was again. That damned word. Choice.
“No,” she said firmly, “I’m doing this.”
“But..” Jack protested.
“No.” She shook her head. She felt her resolve beginning to falter. Damn them for standing there and looking so damned.. attractive! She had to do this, or…
“Jack, Rachel.. and Frank, you might wanna tag along if the detectives don’t mind,” Helen announced as she knocked on the door. The 3 seemed to wake up from a trance.
“What?”
“We have a lead on the guy who shot Jack.”
“Let’s go!” Jack exclaimed, picking up his jacket. Frank sent Rachel a final glance before they all marched out. The job would hafta come first.
~~~~~~~~
I wish I could choose. I wish I could, for better or worse, point at one of them and say: “I want him. I love him, and only him.”
Damn me, I can’t. It was easier before, with Frank as my partner and Jack as.. what exactly I’m not sure. But I had both. For a while anyway. Now the tables have turned. Jack is my partner now, and Frank.. I’m not sure what Frank is.
I know I wanted to kiss him, and yeah, I think I wanted that night. And I know I wanted to kiss Jack as well, and… What the hell has got into me? I have actually kissed them both on the same day.. which one am I betraying here?
God help me, but I think I love them both. And I can’t choose. I can’t.
~~~~~~~~
“So, this is where he lives,” Rachel remarked, stepping into the dark house. The two guys were following close on her tail.
“Looks deserted,” Jack remarked.
“Yeah..”
She stepped a bit further into the hallway, searching for a light source. She found none. That was probably why she never saw the knife until it cut right into her stomach. Her eyes bulged in shock, and she panted in pain.
Lifting her eyes just slightly she met a strong pair of green eyes glittering in the dark. Her killer. Oh God.. she was going to die.
“Rach?” came Frank’s voice. He could only see her back, but had a feeling something was horribly wrong. Jack turned to look at her too.
She managed to hold onto the knife as she fell to the floor. Her attacker just froze, so did Frank and Jack.
“Rachel!!”
She tried to open her mouth to reply, but it hurt, it hurt so very much. She heard shots being fired, she thought she heard something fall against the floor. Then Jack’s head filled her view, and a few seconds later, Frank’s.
“Please.. forgive..,” she muttered between sobs of pain.
“Don’t try to speak, Rach, just hang on,” Frank pleaded, having already called an ambulance. They had to get there fast, they had to!
“Forgive me..”
“No, no,” Jack replied, exchanging glances with Frank.
“Forgive me,” she whispered again.
“There is nothing to forgive,” Jack insisted, his face so close to hers she could see the fear in his eyes. She saw the fear in Frank too, he had taken her hand, holding onto it for dear life. She could swear they both had tears in their eyes.
“I..” her mouth felt dry, she wanted to say it, to let them know, but she was so tired.
“I..” she began again, “love you.” The two men exchanged glances, unsure as to whom she was referring to. A pained gasp tore their eyes from each other and onto her again. She was panting, trying to breathe, clutching Frank’s hand so hard he would have marks of her nails long afterwards.
And then her body fell limp.
For a second both men just stared, then Jack fell against her chest, muttering something Frank couldn’t hear. He just stared at her hand himself, that only moments ago had been pressed so hard into his. She couldn’t be.. dead??
“Rach, Rachel, Rach, no, talk to me!!” he heard Jack shout, and he suddenly realised the strange howling sound came from himself.
And the sirens.. the sirens were finally here, but too late.
Too late.
~~~~~~~~
I can’t choose. I can’t. So I have decided to leave them both. It’s unfair to them to string them along like this, first one, then the other.
No, the best thing would be for me to go somewhere, somewhere far away from them. It will be the hardest thing I ever do, but I hafta. I don’t want to leave David, but I have talked to Jonathon, and he is going to let me have David for a year in Melbourne if I take a desk job. He’s going on some business trip to Hong Kong for a few months, so it fits my plans. In a year many things could happen. Both Frank and Jack could meet someone.. I could meet someone. Maybe I can come back in a year and things will work out.
But leaving is damned hard, I don’t know who I’ll miss the most. I love Jack and his damned arrogance, the way he looks at me and the way I feel when he looks at me.
I love Frank and his damned stubbornness, the way he holds me and the way I feel when he holds me.
And I love both their kisses.
So I’m leaving. I hope some day they’ll both forgive me.. for loving them both.
Goodbye Jack.. Goodbye Frank..
~~~~~~~~
Gentle rays of sun fell through the leaves and onto the green grass below. Some of them fell on a marble stone, among many others in the silent graveyard.
The grave was covered in flowers and a few cards. “Rachel Goldstein” the name read, in black against the white marble.
Jack shifted a bit as he stood looking down at it. There it was, black on white. She was dead. No matter how many tears he’d cry, it wouldn’t change that simple fact.
And he had cried, cried until he’d felt all dried out. And Frank.. Frank had just gone around like a zombie. He wasn’t sure who was hurting the most, him or Frank. At least he knew.
Her father had given Jack Rachel’s diary, and after a while, he had read it. He’d been afraid to read “I love Frank” there, but somehow it hadn’t hurt as much as he’d expected when he did. For the first time in a while he began understanding Rachel, why she had done as she had. It hurt, but.. He loved her.
“I love you,” he whispered, “and I do forgive you.”
“I loved her too,” came Frank’s voice from behind him, and he turned.
“Heya Frank.. where have you been since the funeral?”
“Out sailin’..”
The two men looked at each other for a while, a sense of understanding settling between them. Finally, they both looked down.
“So, what are you doing now?” Jack asked as they looked down on her grave.
“Heading off to Venezuela. She’d want that.”
“Yeah. Listen.. Rachel’s dad gave me her diary and.. you might wanna read it. Take it with you.”
Frank took the book with a blank face. Then his mask cracked, and he clutched onto it while tears ran down his face. Jack said nothing. He had no more tears to shed.
Finally Frank took calming breath, placing a rose on the grave. One single red rose, matching the one Jack had put there.
“She loved us both,” Jack said slowly, placing a hand on the cold stone.
“Yeah..” Frank dried away one last tear.
“Goodbye Rach,” Jack whispered to the stone, then turned and walked away. Frank walked up to the gravestone as Jack had, touching it gently.
“I forgive you,” he whispered, “Goodbye Goldie.”
A gentle wind rose and fell again as both men walked away.
Do not stand at my grave and weep... I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow;
I am the diamond glint on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you wake in the morning hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.
Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there. I do not sleep.
do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there; I did not die.
********
FINI
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