«100 hundred delightfully bloody ways of killing President Clark»
By Susan Ivanova
Published by Camilla Sandman &
Meg Torske
#1 Cut off his fingers, one by one, and keep cutting of body parts until he finally dies of blood loss. Should be done in an isolated room, due to the danger of unfortunate misunderstandings which might occur if anyone heard the screams from the president as he dies.
#2 Use the alien device and give him all kinds of illness and pain you can think of.
#3 Pour acid over him.
#4 Have him for breakfast
#5 Throw him out an air lock.
#6 Feed him to the Vendrizi.
#7 Put him in a chest, then send it into hyperspace.
#8 Make flarn of him and serve it to the Captain and Delenn
#9 Cut him into tiny pieces and jump on them
#10 Lock him into a room filled with hungry rats
#11 Bury him alive
#13 Drown him in boiling lava
#14 Pour gaselin on him and then set him on fire
#15 Leave him on the surface of Epsilon 3 and let him die of the poisonous atmosphere
# 16 Stick him in a freezer
#17 Stick him in the electric chair
#18 Tie him to the outside of the White Star and take him sightseeing - outside B5
#19 Bore him to death with all the maintenance reports
#20 Make him insult a Narn
#21 Tie him to a tree and starve him to death
#22 Poison his food
#23 Play baseball - with him as the ball
#24 Blowing up his ship. Would have a slitly ironic touch since that`s how he killed Santiago
#25 Hang him from the ceiling in his own guts
#26 Force him to spend more than two minutes with Marcus Cole
#27 Show him a picture of Anna Sheridan
#28 Let him drink the . . . "coffee" they drink on B5 (=poison)
#29 Force him to watch more than three episodes of Baywatch in a row
#30 He could take part in a Psi Corps experiment - he'd be the perfect lab rat
#31 I have only one thing to say: Minbari rituals ! Lots&lots !
#32 Take him on a sightseeing trip - to Z'ha'dum
#33 Give him a purple scarf (assuming the green ones are winning this year)
#34 Give him a packet of Morleys and wait until he gets lung cancer
#35 Let Franklin dissect him while he's still alive
#36 Invite him to a who-can-drink-most-vodka-in-one-night competition with Ivanova
#37 Give Lennier a bottle of vodka - to find out if Minbari really *are* violent when drunk
#38 Camilla could throw herself all over him on a convention
#39 Let him dive from 20 meters into a pool - with no water in!
#40 Send him through the air recycling center
#41 Stick a note with «Shadow Agent» on him and send him to the Vorlons
#42 Stick a note with «Vorlon Agent» on him and send him to the Shadows
#43 Yell to the securiy guards: «He`s got a gun!» and duck down and watch
#44 Tie him to one of those nuclear bombs, arm it and send it into hyperspace
#45 Put him between an angry Narn and an angry Centauri
#46 Dare him to declear den`sha to a Minbari - without tellig him what it means
#47 Stick him in a room with that artificial computer personality
#48 Put a changeling net on him to make him look like Londo and then give G'Kar some Dust. P.S. Stand well back !
# 49 Strand him on one of the planets the Vorlon planet crusher is headed towards
#50 Tell a renegade Soul Hunter that Clark's soul is worth saving as an amazing example of evil
#51 Enter him into the Muta-Do contest
#52 Expose him to a Nakaden feeder
#53 Send him to visit Babylon 4 without a Time Stabiliser
#54 Trap him on a lift with Londo's three original wives for a few days
#56 Give him to the Streib to experiment on
#57 Infect him with the Markab plague
#58 Have him swallow Marcus Cole's pike and watch it expand inside him
#59 Give him to the Shadows to use in one of their ships
#60 Make him listen to enough of G'Kar's singing and he will commit suicide
#61 Make him recreate Sheridan's sky-diving act
#62 Allow him to only eat Minbari ritual food - he will soon starve to death as each ingredient takes about three days to prepare
#63 Drop him into Jupiter's atmosphere
#64 Give him to Emperor Cartagia to play with (very bloody and painful)
#65 Drop him into a tank of Gararion piranhas . . . hmmm. . . you're right about it being hard to come up with novel ways to kill a president . .
#65 Tie two pieces of rope to him, attach them to two Minbari vessels and ask them to have a tug of war
#66 Give him a guided tour of Sector Grey 17
#67 Tell the new Kosh that the old Kosh is imprisoned inside him
#68 Check if he can swallow an exploding grenade
#69 Force him to watch the Norwegian election - it`s a sure killer!
#70 Get Draal to send him to the Voyager. He`ll die of old age before they make it home!
#71 Put a changeling net on him, make him look like Picard and put him in the same room as Magnhild
#72 Feed him to the Psirens in Red Dwarf - they`ll gladly suck his brains out!
#73 Dress him like a Centauri, and let him be the only one left on Narn when the Centauri leaves. The Narns will only be too happy showing how much they enjoyed the Centauri occupation!
#74 Stick him on the White Star and check just how much pressure the ship can take..
#75 Put an apple on his head, then tell the worst shot in security to practice until he get it right
#76 Send him to England - he will soon enough die in a bizarre sexual experiment! (You know how they are..)
#77 Send him back to the Battle of the Line - that`s a sure way of killing him!
#78 Send him on an expedition into Vorlon space - no one has ever returned from there
#79 Tell him that the best way to gain trust in the people, is to show them he can rsik anything for them and then to do a parachute jump. Only switch the parachute for a banner saying: «Boy, was I sucked!» and stand back to enjoy!
#80 Let him make a list like this - his brain will surely explode of overexertion
#81 Test that «can-humans-fly-if-they-flap-their-arms-really-hard» theory by throwing him out of a transport tube over the gardens. Just make sure Kosh is nowhere around!
#82 Force him to attend school at Rud - if the drug, guns or cops don`t kill him, the asbetos surely will
#83 Test just how cold it must be to kill a human
#84 Force him to watch only Star Trek for 4 weeks. By the end of that time he`ll be begging for death to end his misery!
#85 Send him to an alternative universe where the Minbari never surrendered.
#86 Send him back in time - around the time the dinasours lived
#87 Turn him into a mouse, then release him in a room filled with cats
#88 Let him make a list like this and then show how it`s done
#89 Let the Borg assimilate him
#90 Send him to Norway without clothes. I`m sure he`ll find the weather - interesting....
#91 Just hand him over to Magnhild and Camilla - I assure you they`ll think of something
#92 Turn him into a duck in the hunting season
#93 Tell one of the "shadow" telepaths he`s the machine...
#94 Tell him to answer the questions whenever a probe stops by
#95 The sound of Janeway`s voice will eventually lead to his suicide
#96 Let him die like Mulder - oh, that means he`s still alive, don`t it?
#97 Do it the way Kosh would have - "Impudent"
#98 One word: Ivanova-early-in-the-morning-before-her-coffee
#99 Let someone take his brain a la Spock, just don`t give it back
AND FINALLY
#100 Let`s just say it involves Ivanova, a bomb, a rope and of course, Clark...
The Enemy Within Part 1
