Faded Scars
By Camilla Sandman
Chapter Five
A couple drops and they all start coming down
Yeah, I might feel defeated,
I might hang my head
I might be barely breathing - but I'm not dead~
A strong, whipping wind brought Wednesday morning to Sydney. It also brought with it clouds, covering the sun as it rose. A few of the clouds were so black it was almost like the night had stuck its colour on them.
The city woke slowly this morning. The mood seemed to be like the clouds, black and hanging low. And there was no Harbour Bridge. Ferries had been tracked down to try to bring people back and forth over the water, but no one expected the arrangement to be very successful.
The city had lost part of its soul. And all the people in Sydney would at some point during the day find themselves staring at the point where the bridge had been and almost fall over in shock as they discovered once again it wasn't there. It was so easy to forget it was gone, and so hard and painful to remember what had happened and why it wasn't there.
And locked up, Dayton Jackson, leader of the American Liberation Movement, waited. Sometimes he would smile, as if knowing something everyone else didn't.
At Rachel's house, Frank walked down the stairs into the kitchen to get some coffee made. Rachel would definitely want some and he wouldn't mind some either. They hadn't got much sleep, and to face this morning, coffee was definitely needed.
He was wondering about making breakfast, when he heard light footsteps walking in. Too light to be Rachel.
“Hey David,” he smiled as fondly as he could, given the circumstances.
“Hey Frank.” David rubbed his eyes. “Are you making breakfast?”
“Sure am, mate. You can have anything you want.”
“Anything?” David sounded hopefully, his face lighting up somewhat.
“Anything.”
******
There was insistent knocking on the door. Groaning, Alex peeked her head up from the pillow and glared in the direction the sound was coming from.
Someone was at the door. Brilliant.
“Bugger,” she muttered, untangled herself from Mick and grabbed the longest t-shirt she could find and put it on. Trotting to the door, she cursed under her breath. Who the heck was up this early?
It was Jack. She should have known. Cracking the door open, she gave him as hard a glare as she could.
“What?”
“Just wanted to make sure you got home all right last night,” Jack explained, noticing her bare legs. There was a nasty bruise on her knee, and the bandage on the side of her head probably hid a nasty one as well. She didn't seem to pleased to see him, he noted
“Heard of a phone, Jack?”
“Sophie's phone is down.”
“What about your cell phone?”
“Battery is dead.”
“Fine. As you can see, I managed to get home. So..”
“What, I don't get invited in for coffee?”
She took a breath and counted to ten in her mind. He had decided to make a nuisance of himself only like Jack could.
“You have some secret in there or something?” he asked, noticing her hesitance.
This time she counted to twenty. “Jack, it's bloody early in the morning.”
“No, it's not.”
Bugger, she should have checked the time before she went to open. Still, she refused to back down. She did not need Jack to sit in the kitchen and drink coffee and discover Mick in her bedroom. Eventually he seemed to take the hint.
“You coming in to the office today?”
“Yeah.”
“I'll see you there then,” Jack offered and walked away. She resisted the temptation to slam the door, watching his retreating back. What was he up to?
“Was that Jack?” Mick's voice came drifting, and she trotted into the living room where he was standing. Just wearing pants.
She managed not to drool. “Yeah.”
“What did he want?”
“Coffee.”
“That's all he wanted?”
She didn't bother replying, wandering into the kitchen to get something to drink. Mick patted after her, not quite sure what he should do. What *they* should do. Talk it to death, probably.
“So, this is just between you and me, right Alex?” he finally asked. Last thing he needed was for Jack to find out and get another lecture.
“Yeah..”
They had breakfast in silence, as the sun struggled desperately to find a hole in the cover of clouds to shine through.
There was none. And soon, the first drops of water began to fall from the sky.
******
The rain was gently tapping on the roof, but soon increased in strength and sound as Rachel hurried down the stairs. She was a little alarmed Frank hadn't woken her, and David wasn't in his room either.
Walking into the kitchen, she stopped dead in her tracks.
There was mess everywhere. Frank must have been out on a quick shopping, because there were groceries spread around. Chocolate sauces decorated the kitchen counter, there was some melted ice cream in the sink, something that looked a bit like pancakes but wasn't really on the oven.. Quite simply, a mess.
She tracked down the sinner in the living room.
“Frank, what the *hell* have you done to my kitchen?!”
Frank and David both looked up innocently, and she had to fight to maintain her anger. Her son was actually smiling somewhat, chocolate all over his face. Frank was grinning rather silly too, winking at her.
“Frank made me breakfast,” David explained, and the last of her anger vanished. Still, she tried to seem rather annoyed.
“Did he now..” She tried to make her voice strict, but failed as a smile began forming on her lips. God help her, the two of them in the same house. She wasn't sure who would be the biggest baby – David or Frank?
“I'm gonna take a shower, and when I get out I expect it to be clean, okay Francis?”
“Yes, boss.”
Watching her walk out, Frank turned to David with a heavily faked sigh.
“We better do as your mum says or we'll be in heaps of trouble.”
As they walked into the kitchen to begin the large task, David looked up at him, the smile faded.
“Frank?”
“Yeah?”
“Are you gonna stay with us now?”
“Yeah.”
“Do you love mum?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna take dad's place?”
Lifting the kid up on a clean spot on the counter, Frank shook his head.
“Nah. But I will be here if you want me to be, as your mate.”
“And make breakfast,” David added.
“Yeah. Now lets clean up before your mum kicks my bum.”
David smiled slightly, even if his eyes were sad and his body language radiated grief. No wonder, under the circumstances, but if chocolate made him smile some, then Frank was prepared to get a truckload.
They patted around the kitchen cleaning up, neither noticing Rachel sneaking out of the shower to watch them with a sad smile on her lips.
******
Emma woke slowly, her mind feeling heavy with medication. She had to push through several layers of haze, until she finally managed to open her eyes.
Colours.
That was odd. She had a distinct feeling there wasn't supposed to be much colour around her. As she focused her vision, she realised it was flowers. Lots and lots of flowers. Lifting her glance, she looked up at George, smiling.
And he wasn't the only one. There was Jeff, Tommy, Jack, Lance and Donna too, all smiling. Just then the door creaked open and Mick and Alex entered too.
Mysteriously, a few giggles were choked back by the rest of the gang as the two entered. Alex looked suspiciously at Donna, but no one made a comment.
“How are you feeling Woodsie?” Lance asked. Emma grimaced, the painkillers beginning to wear off.
“I've had better days. How's Helen?”
A couple of worried glances were exchanged, which wasn't too promising.
“She broke both her legs, and was badly bruised, but otherwise there's nothing physically wrong with her,” Jeff said after a moments tense silence.
“She'll be fine, right?” Mick butted in.
The silence spoke volumes. Jeff looked down at his hands, feeling dangerously close to just.. Keeling over and forget this whole mess. Helen had to be fine. She had to be. There was no way he could run the madhouse of the Sydney Water Police without her.
He didn't really listen to the rest of the conversations, a terrible sense of fatigue coming over him. The voices were a blur, but when the doctor ushered them out, Jeff managed to regain enough composure to mutter get-well wishes with the rest.
Tommy and George remained to talk to Emma for a few minutes while the rest of the gang made its way outside. It was still raining, and by the look of the clouds, the worst was yet to come. The clouds hinted of thunder and lightning too. All in all, dramatically, it was the kind of weather that had been better suited for the day before.
They all drove to the Station, which took a while with the messed up traffic. It would probably be worse as the days went on, as many had stayed home on this particular day.
Outside the Station, two nervous looking persons were waiting. Jeff immediately stepped up to greet them, leaving the others in no doubt just what was going on.
Reinforcements. And even though it was only logical, Tommy felt a surge of resentment. Gavin was dead, damnit! They shouldn't just replace him, they should..
“This is Julian Erskin and Erin Wilson,” Jeff indicated the two newly arrived. “Julian is our diver, Erin will be on our new boat.”
“New boat?” several voices asked at once.
“The Nemesis needs repairs, the Harpy..” He didn't finish the sentence, but he didn't really need to. They all knew what had happened to the Harpy. “The boat we're getting was intended for another purpose, but it was decided we needed it more.”
They followed him outside, and surely, by the dockside was a boat tied up. It hadn't got painted with signs saying “police” yet, and it looked *very* new.
“It hasn't been named yet,” Jeff explained, “Any suggestions?”
No one said anything, just staring at the boat. Nothing would ever be the same. New people, new boat.. New Sydney.
One by one, the people walked back towards the Station, Julian and Erin first and the others following. Only Tommy stood by the pier a while.
He had thought he would come back, and everything would be the same. You change, but the place you left behind doesn't. Except that was never the case. Even home changes. Everything changes while you're gone.
Everything but you.
******
Entering the Station, Mick noticed the newspaper on the front desk and throwing a quick glance at it, he noticed it was about the Opera House and..
No, it couldn't be. He grabbed the paper and stared at the picture. It was. Shit.
“Alex!”
“What?”
“We're in the Sydney Morning Herald!”
“Eh?” She glanced down at the paper he was holding in his hands and felt a blush beginning to crawl up her cheeks. They had been pictured on page five, in an article about the survivors of the hostage drama. The caption read: “It was a happy ending for this couple.”
And the picture.. God, the picture..
“Nice picture,” Lance commented, glancing over Mick's shoulder.
“Bugger off Rorke,” Mick replied, quickly hiding the paper when Jeff came walking in.
“Too late Reilly, it was on the news,” Jeff commented as he passed by, heading up the stairs. He could hear the two groan behind him. He decided to bring the article along to show to Helen, maybe it would create some kind of reaction. She wouldn't want to miss an opportunity like that to bug Mick and Alex.
He could hear the two climb up the stairs behind him, vanishing into the D's office.
“Shit..” Alex muttered, dropping down on her chair. She had a terrible urge to cry. She wasn't quite sure why.. Gavin, Matt, and Tayler who she had barely known, it seemed too unreal that they would be gone.
So unreal she couldn't cry for them, not yet. Mick walked over to her, looking a bit helpless.
“I'm sorry..” he began, not sure quite what he was sorry for.
Just then Jack walked in too, holding another copy of Sydney Morning Herald.
She waited for a comment, but there was none. He simply sat down, threw a glance at her and Mick, and said nothing.
******
Rachel walked into Helen's room, trying to remain calm. Jeff had told her that state Helen was in, and it was another blow. Another grief. How much were they supposed to endure?
The room was rather silent, Helen's breath was so faint it barely could be heard. It pained Rachel to see her like that.. Helen was so strong, so reliable, so..
“Hey Helen. It's me.”
She got no reaction, and sat down gently by the bed.
“I'm sorry I didn't come yesterday, but Jonathon died and..”
Tears began to form in her eyes, and she couldn't withhold them. Leaning against the bed, she let them flow, feeling so bloody.. Helpless. She could do nothing.
“Rachel?”
She looked up to meet Helen's glance.
“Helen!”
“You're back.”
“Yeah, me and Frank came on Monday..”
Helen smiled. It was a thin smile, and there was a distinct sadness in it, but it was a smile. “You two managed not to kill each other for a whole year?”
“Would you believe it?”
Reaching out, Helen took her hand and clung to it. “I'm so glad you're home.”
“Me too,” Rachel muttered. “Even if my timing sucks. I heard about Tayler. I'm so sorry.”
“I..” Helen struggled for words. “I saw her die, Rachel. I was there. They all died around me, I keep feeling like.. like I died there too.”
“I know. I felt like that when I was stabbed.. I wasn't the same, I wasn't.. I wasn't alive.” Rachel felt new tears sting her eyes, remembering the pain, the agony as glass had cut into her and a part of her had bled away.
She had survived, but she hadn't been alive for a long time afterwards.
“Did you find it?”
“What?”
“Life.”
“Yeah,” Rachel replied softly. “There's David, you know, and Frank..”
Helen remained silent for a while, looking so forlorn and lost it cut right into Rachel's heart. They had always counted on Helen being there.. Now Rachel began to wonder if they had counted on her friend too much.
“Why did I survive?”
“I don't know. You just did, Helen.”
It was the only answer Rachel could give, and she knew it was a poor one. If there was a reason or logic to it, she couldn't see it. Yet Helen would keep looking for some reason, some answers, something to cling onto. It was the way the human mind worked.
Even when there were no answers to be found.
******
Mick had gone to have a chat with Jeff when Jack finally decided to bring up the subject Alex was fearing. She really didn't want to talk about it, and especially not with Jack.
“So you and Mick eh?” he said casually
“None of your business, Jack.”
“Just being concerned.”
She looked up annoyed, feeling all of her anger finally finding a target. “No, you're being territorial! You kiss me, then shun away. But the moment Mick kisses me, you come running to tell me how wrong that is.”
“Hey, hey, hey!” Jack cut in, “That has nothing to do with this.”
“It was *everything* to do with this. So what is it, are you interested in me or not?”
Jack was lost for a comeback, not expecting a reply like that at all.
“You don't really want me, Jack. You're just think you have to because you cannot have the one you really want,” she continued before he could think of anything to say. He opened and closed his mouth several times, but still couldn't think of anything intelligent.
“Hey,” Mick stuck his head in. “The boss reminds us we have crisis therapy.”
“I know,” Alex muttered, throwing one last glace at Jack before getting up. “See you later.”
She and Mick walked out, as Jack put his head in his hands and tried not to groan. When did is life get so bloody complicated anyway? He suddenly had a daughter, his ex-girlfriend was back in town and the one he'd seen as a possible girlfriend was out of reach.
He needed a good, stiff drink and fast. Being sober was hugely overrated.
******
Rachel drove up to her father's house, feeling so exhausted she had a feeling she hadn't slept for a week. At least Helen was somewhat herself again.
There was going to be a joint memorial service for Tayler, Matt and Gavin tomorrow, but the funerals would be arranged individually. Just the thought made Rachel even more tired.
Death, death and death. It never ended.
Her dad must have heard the car, because he greeted her in the door.
“How is your friend?” he asked concerned, and she shrugged her shoulder.
“She's suffered a terrible trauma.”
“So have you.”
She glanced up at him, and he squeezed her hand reassuringly. A familiar fondness filled her heart, she didn't really want to think about what it would be like to lose him. He had always been there, never demanding anything.
“Thank you dad,” she whispered.
“I spoke to your Frank,” he replied as they walked into the house. “He makes you happy?”
“Yeah.”
“I'm glad,” her father announced, and she didn't doubt him. She smiled slightly, walking into the living room where Frank and David were talking. 'So am I, dad,' she thought, and even in all the pain and horror, there was joy.
******
It really started pouring down just as Mick and Alex exited the psychology ward and bumped into each other just outside. Literally bumped into each other. Mick wasn't looking, and Alex slipped on the wet pavement and right into Mick's back. He caught her before she fell, and she clung to his arm for a few seconds.
“Sorry,” she muttered, regaining her balance. He looked serious, she noted, but then again, so did probably she too. Talking about what had happened.. She felt exhausted mentally.
“How was it?” he asked after a few seconds silence.
“You know.”
“Yeah.”
Both stood still, even if the rain was soaking them. She really should get the heck out of there, Alex knew, but she couldn't make herself. Something was pulling her back, and she had a fairly good idea what it was.
Damnit! She shouldn't be falling for her partner, she shouldn't be admiring the way he looked soaking wet, she bloody well shouldn't..
“I keep thinking about that woman who was shot when she cried about the bridge,” Mick said suddenly, “I keep seeing her face, and it's like.. I feel worse about her dying than all those others..”
“I know what you mean,” she said quietly. “It's so many, I can't focus on them, but we saw her die, she's so real in my mind..”
“Did you hear the Americans wanted the terrorists executed?”
“A part of me wouldn't mind that. I keep thinking of them like demons..”
“It's easier,” Mick finished, and she nodded, pushing away a wet strand of hair from her face. She felt so bloody tired.. and suddenly, she realised, she was finally crying. It was more painful and releasing than anything she'd experienced in her life before.
“Alex..”
“They're dead, Michael. They're dead,” she sobbed, and he embraced her, wrapping her in his arms as if that would take it all away. He didn't even notice a few of his own tears mingling with the rain falling on his face.
“I didn't even like Matt,” she gulped. She really hadn't. But still..
“Me neither. He was a jerk.”
She laughed slightly through the sobs, a feeling of calm beginning to come over her. She drank in the smell of Mick, wet mixed with something very him.
“I feel bad because I was glad you were there during the whole mess,” she muttered.
“I'm glad I was,” he countered. “Alex.. I can't stay away from you. Especially not now.”
“I don't want you to,” she confessed. He looked a little stunned, probably expecting her to protest and tell him to piss off.
“Really?”
She nodded against his chest, her tears running still. They were already so wet, she didn't bother drying the tears away. It would be rather pointless.
Lightning bolts slashed through the sky and seconds later the thunder rolled. They both looked up, as another lightning bolt lit up.
“We better..”
“Yeah,” she agreed, but neither moved at first. The rain kept on soaking them, and they just stood there, clinging on, and letting the rain wash over them.
******
Emma struggled onto her feet, nearly falling over with the pain. It shot through her whole body, and she had to bit her lip not to cry out. She was determined to get to the bathroom on her own though, and..
“Shit!” she cried out, as so much pain surged through her she feel like she couldn't breathe. She would have fallen over that moment, hadn't George walked in and caught her. Breathless, she stared up at him.
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I'm.. Shit!” she cried out as more pain hit her. He helped her back onto the bed gently, looking concerned.
“Thanks,” she muttered embarrassed.
“You should be careful,” he replied. “You could pull some stitches.”
“I hate being stuck her. I can't.. I can't breathe.. Tomorrow there's the memorial service and I have to go, I have to..”
“Okay, okay,” George cut in, “Calm down. We don't wanna lose you too, Em. Don't stress.”
She took a deep breath and nodded. Easing back against the pillows, she noticed the dark circles under his eyes.
“Bad day?”
He nodded miserably. “We have been fishing bodies out of the water all day.”
“I'm sorry.”
He gave her a tired smile. “I keep wondering if things will ever be normal again, it just feels like it's forever changed. I just..” He shook his head, not quite knowing what he meant.
“Yeah..” she trailed off, biting her lip again.
“So what were they like?” he suddenly asked. “Gavin, Tayler and Matt I mean. I would have liked to know them.”
“Gavin's been around forever,” she replied. “He just got married. They have a kid.. God, I should find out how Eva is doing..”
A sudden surge of bad conscience came over her. Eva. Poor Eva, left alone with a baby.. It would have been better if it had Gavin had lived and not her, Emma thought frantically.
Every time Tommy looked at her, did he think the same?
******
Many, many drinks later, Jack decided it was a good idea to go and talk to Rachel.
He'd felt gloom ever since his conversation with Alex and the more alcohol he'd drunk, the more he'd felt like he could find out what Rachel's bloody problem was and fix it.
By the time he'd decided to go to her home, he had troubles walking at all.
Still, he plunged on, convinced it was a very good idea. Even the rain couldn't convince him otherwise. By the time he reached her house, he was soaked.
He rang the doorbell and waited, trying to appear sober, but managing to look only more drunk.
Rachel was not impressed, he could tell the second she opened the door. She got a look on her face he knew too well, and it was not a good sign.
“Jack,” she sighed. “You're drunk.”
“Nooo..”
She just shook her head. “Go home.”
“No.. I wanna know..” he muttered, steadying himself against the doorframe and leaning so close she could smell just what brand of alcohol he had been drinking.
“Go home,” she urged again, feeling a surge of impatience.
“I'm not leaving till you say,” he protested, and she rolled her eyes. But David was asleep upstairs, and she didn't want him to wake up while she tried to get Jack to leave.
“I left because I had to,” she said, somewhat angrily.
“Why?” he whined, his face had a look of confusion, hurt.. She felt her anger melt. She should tell him.. If nothing else to get him off her back.
“There was so much pain between us, Jack. I couldn't.. I needed someone who could take it away, not remind me of it.”
“And that was Frank?” he said bitterly.
“Yes,” she answered honestly. “I couldn't cry in front of you, Jack. I never could.”
“Why not?”
“I don't know,” she said honestly. “Go home, Jack. It's too late.”
“No, it's not,” he insisted, and kissed her.
On the other side of the road, Frank saw and almost dropped his box of belongings. For a second he thought that was it, he had lost her, thank you and goodbye. His heart broke, and he couldn't breathe, he could just watch..
Then he noticed that Rachel pushed Jack, and the guy fell on his ass.
“Jack, go *home*!” Rachel snapped, feeling annoyance and sadness at once. She had loved him once.. Heck, a part of her still loved him, but it wasn't.. It wasn't “meant to be.”
God, she sounded like a schoolgirl.
“I'm going to call you a taxi,” she announced leaving him sitting on his ass. He sat miserably there, wondering just where his master plan had failed.
He still was no wiser when the taxi arrived, and the taxi driver seemed less than enthusiastic at the prospect of his new client.
Getting in, he threw one last look at Rachel's house and then hid his head in his hands. Shit. Bugger. Bloody shit.
He was never gonna drink, *ever* again.
******
It was a remarkable play of light and sound in the sky, as the thunderstorm intensified and moved slowly with the wind. It was the kind of scene that usually is the perfect setting for a horror movie, with the dead rising to demand justice from the living.
Of course they didn't. But there were many people in Sydney that night that felt like the voices of the dead were in the wind, screaming at the injustice of being killed. If they listened, they could almost hear..
Helen heard, and wondered if they screamed for her to join them, to be dead as she should have been.
Jeff heard, but ignored it, not wanting to think about it all as he said silently in the dark, empty office.
Donna heard, and cried, even if she was long out of tears.
George heard, and wondered if he could be going mad.
Jack heard, but he was drunk, and didn't really trust his ears at all and so it got filed away as a hallucination.
Emma heard, as she tried to sleep, images of Gavin filling her mind.
Tommy heard, and wondered if Gavin was out there, demanding justice for not being rescued.
Lance heard, and had another beer to forget.
Frank heard, slipping under the covers next to Rachel, and decided against bringing up the subject of Jack.
Rachel heard, and was grateful to have Frank's back to snuggle against, a tiny defence against the wind.
Mick heard, but just held the woman in his arms closer, not wanting to think about it.
Alex heard, and she shivered and wondered if her heart would ever feel warm again.
And as the night progressed, the storm moved and died eventually, but the voices did not. They never would. Just after a while, people would stop listening.
Wrapped up inside another place
And I hope, and I pray
That the pain goes away~
Chapter Six
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