We no own, you no sue,

Good for us, better for you.

(Why? Because all you'll get is some lint and old gum wrappers. That's why.)

Lord of the Rings belongs to the awe-inspiring author that created them, J.R.R. Tolkien, and to whoever he sold the rights to (but mostly to him.) We're just borrowing it for our sick, twisted pleasure.

The Protectors of the Plot Continuum (who are going to make an appearance later) belong to Jay and Acacia, and are being used with their permission.

The concept of unwilling Mary Sues is based on “Just Call Me Mary-Sue,” and is being used with the Author’s permission, as, uh, the author who wrote that is Andy, who is now writing this. JCCMS, in turn, is loosely based on “A Short” by Firebird. Read it, for it is very amusing.

Whoo, that was a lot of disclaimer.

*****

Rated PG-13, for mild cussing, violence, and other naughty stuff that we haven't done yet, but are probably going to do.

*****

Suedom

by Andy and Saphie

(A.k.a.)

Andtauriel Longwood-Baggins

and psychicsaphie

Prologue

'"Oh my beloved Fishywishylishiel, Maiden of the Moonlight! I shall love thee forever and be blessed with thy love in return. Let us rideth away, and when the night comes, we shall make hot, monkey sex under the stars!" Legilas cried, kneeling.'

'"Oh, Leglas!' Fishywishylishiel blinkd tears out of her violet-silver eyes and twirled around in a beautiful dance, swirling her purple, laced dress around her, her golden hair shining like the sun. Then she swooned and fell into Legoals's arms. He lifted her up and got on his winged unicorn and they flew away into the sunset, with Fishywishylishiel's song echoing behind for all of Middle-Earth to hear ever after.'

'At last, Fishywishylishiel, daughter of Galadriel and Elrond, last of the Moon-Elves, would be home, and she would live happily ever after to the end of her days.'

*****

"Done! This is my best story ever!"

With a few clicks, the story was saved and an Internet browser was opened. With a few more clicks, a certain fanfiction website was accessed and the pimply, freckle-faced, teenaged girl had logged in and the chapter had been uploaded into the Document Manager.

Edit Story/Add Chapters. Click.

"Maiden of the Moonlight." Click.

Edit Story/Story Chapter Management. Click.

Previously Loaded Documents. Click.

She typed in the title of the chapter. Then she moved the cursor toward the Upload icon...

The icon grew dimmer and it seemed almost that it shrunk back in fear from the rapidly approaching cursor.

Damn you! the poor little icon thought. DAMN YOU!!!

It had been so cruelly used, the poor little thing, clicked again and again to put brain-hemorrhage-inducing travesties on the Internet in full public view. It knew that It was partly responsible for the pain and brain-popping deaths caused by the some of the horrible fanfics that were posted using It.

I don't wanna hurt people!! It thought, but being just tiny pixels on a monitor caused by sequences of 0's and 1's (and lacking a mouth) It couldn't voice Its pain or stand up for Itself.

The cursor loomed closer…

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

CLICK.

The information traveled through the phone-line as fast as the speed of light. It coursed through a labyrinthine web of data and pixels until it hit the computers that managed the website. There it waited patiently in line with countless chapters of countless stories, until it was organized, categorized, and posted an hour later.

The deed was done.

The icon sobbed quietly to Itself.

And that was that…

Or was it?

The story was information transmitted in the form of electricity, and electricity can do strange things with the right conductor…

At that time, there was a conductor on the Internet, hidden among the darkness of unused information caches, un-updated archives, old viruses, and useless data.

It hid itself. It had always hidden itself.

When the story had passed by it, it had made a copy, engulfed it, and zipped it along to…

Somewhere else.

This thing was a bridge. A bridge that was never meant to be crossed, but it was crossing itself, and changing what was on the other side.

Worst of all, the changes were influenced by what was taken in. The information it was currently assimilating was the fanfiction passing by it, and unfortunately, it was very specific over what it ate. Only several types of fanfic were being pulled across the bridge. Horrible types, like bad slash and bad AU's.

But there was an even worse type of fanfic being pulled through the Bridge, and it was being pulled en masse.

It was the most feared, hated, and reviled fanfiction of all.

The dreaded Mary-Sue.

And the canon was on the other side.