We no own, you no sue,

Good for us, better for you.

(Why? Because all you'll get is some lint and old gum wrappers. That's why.)

Lord of the Rings belongs to the awe-inspiring author that created it, J.R.R. Tolkien, and to whoever he sold the rights to (but mostly to him.) We're just borrowing it for our sick, twisted pleasure.

The name Rincewind (and NO, it is NOT a variety of cheese) is the invention of Terry Pratchett, writer of the Discworld novels, and king of humor (as far as we’re concerned.) Long may he reign!

And…

Evil, grinning smiley, urple, mini-balrogs, body-slamming, Toey, the Frodo Fanciers, the Legolas Lusters, the Sam Stampeders, and The Paddle of Canon Accuracy are exclusive property, and the brainchildren of wise and venerable Camilla Sandman, creator of OFUM, the Official Fanfiction University of Middle-Earth.

The Protectors of the Plot Continuum belong to the equally amazing Jay and Acacia.

We bow down to them!! We are not worthy to tie their shoes!

{Bow.}

*****

Suedom

by Andy and Saphie

Chapter One: Enter the Dragons

It all started with a dragon…

He was not real, of course.

He was the product of a overactive imagination of certain type of person, and being the product of the overactive imagination of this certain type of person made him slightly more real than the product of an overactive imagination of any other certain type of person.

It also made him slightly more dangerous.

For you see, this certain type of person was a Lord of the Rings fanfiction writer, and as everyone knows, the brains of Lord of the Rings fanfiction writers (and fanfiction writers in general [and readers, for that matter]) are different from the brains of normal people. All that gray, gooey stuff is still there, of course, but it's riddled with little organs and sections not found in normal people's brains. Take the favaria characteria for example, the section of the brain entirely devoted to adoring whatever character, or characters, that caught the writer's fancy. (When mixed with hormones it is responsible for the Legolas Lusters, the Frodo Fanciers, the Sam Stampeders, and other fangirl phenomenon.) Then there's the Medulla wackungata the little sac at the center of the brain that releases very potent neurochemicals that make the brain prone to abstract thought (also known as pure insanity.) This part of the brain is what makes fanfic writers a little…"off." There's also the Rememberia membrane that covers the sections of the brain responsible for memory and is responsible for the recall of useless and nonsensical fanfiction trivia. This allows fanfic writers to know that urple is a horrible color that is a mix of pink and purple in the worst possible way, to compel fanfic writers to say the Philosopher-at-Large's rhyme involving misspelled LotR names and mini-balrogs every time they make a typo in a name, to curse Toey when they write teh instead of the, to cry out for the Protectors of the Plot Continuum when their brains are about to explode from Mary-Sueness, and to recite the Ten Tolkien Truths by heart. Basically, the Rememberia membrane is the keeper of useless fanfic information and holds the key to understanding all those inside jokes mentioned in fanfics that only the people who have read the original stories understand.

Let's not forget the Tolkienarus journiunumbus, the section that holds a deep love and grave respect of all things Tolkien (although it doesn't mean that it won't stop the writer from parodying or make fun of it.) This section is also responsible for the deep desire to go to Middle-Earth.

However, the part of a fanfic writer's brain that is most distinctly different is the Deliriumugum. This gland makes the writer blur the lines of reality and unreality, and makes them change reality into fantasy, and fantasy into reality. These changes may only color the perceptions of the writer, but they are still there, and combined with an overactive imagination, creativity, and the potent neurochemicals released by the Medulla wackungata…they can lead to the creation of crazy (and often dangerous) things.

That's where the dragon came in.

His name was Odorf.

He was blue.

Odorf was the creation of a teenage fanfic writer named Kate.

Kate loved Odorf (even if he was just a figment of her imagination) and she often told her friend Kira, another fanfic writer, about him.

As a result, Kira wanted a dragon too.

And that's where the story begins…

*****

"Who are you talking to?"

Kira looked at her little sister with narrowed eyes. She was doing it again. Why did she keep doing that? Her face was inches away from Kira's, and she could feel her breath on her cheek.

"Stop looking over my shoulder while I'm on the computer! You know I hate that!"

"Sorry." She moved away.

"Who are you IMing?"

"Kate, of course."

"What are you talking about?"

"Dragons."

"Really?"

"Kate has a dragon. His name is Odorf. He's blue. She likes to huggle him."

"Huggle? Hee hee."

"Hug and snuggle. Huggle," she explained.

"Hee hee. That's a funny word."

"Now I want a dragon. Even if it is just imaginary…"

"Tell her that. She knows where to get one from getting Odorf, so she could tell you how to get one. Might cost you something though. You might have to imagine up some money," she said with a nod.

Kira stared. Unlike most people, Christy hadn't even remotely considered that having an imaginary dragon would be kind of stupid, not even for a second.

Yep, Christy definitely had a fanfic writer's brain. It was obvious by the presence of the Medulla wackungata and the Deliriumugum.

"Good idea."

She turned back to the computer.

She knew that this was kind of silly, but she decided to indulge. She only had one more year of high school left, and she had to look at colleges, and worry about SATS, finals, HSPAs, AP exams…

Just thinking about all of it made her head spin.

Everything was starting to go a little too fast for her. She was a relaxed person by nature. She always took her time, but it was hard to do that when the rest of the world was rushing her along.

So, what the hell? What was the harm in playing make-believe, like she used to when she was little?

'"Hey, Kate,"' she typed. '"I want a dragon!"'

'"Okay,"' Kate answered. '"There's a special process to get one though. Read though the following instructions and don't do any if the steps until you've finished reading."'

'"1. Close your eyes.

2. Imagine that you're wearing a white robe (white is spiffy ^_^).

3. Imagine a sandy field, with dragon eggs everywhere.

4. Then wait for one that likes you to hatch!"'

"Um, okay?" Kira said to herself. Then she thought of something.

'"Wait, is the dragon going to obey my every whim?"' Kira asked.

'"Mmm…well…"' Kate answered. '"They'll do just about everything you say, but they won't do anything TOO stupid."'

'"NOOOO! I want it to be freeeeeeee! I change my mind! I don't want one!!! Be freeeee, little dragon!!! BEEE FREEE!!! FLYYY!!! FLYYYYYY!!! Wait. It hasn't hatched yet…{scratches head.}"'

'"Dragons are mutual partners, not slaves,"' Kate responded. '"They're spiffy!!"'

'"Ah, what the hay…"' Kira wrote. '"I guess I'll have one."'

"God, this is silly," she chuckled to herself. "Playing pretend."

Giggling, she closed her eyes. She imagined a white robe on herself, a dry sandy pit encircled by a ridge, a yellow sky with a red moon overhead, and little dragon eggs that were a strange shade of brown dotted with red specks.

She leaned back in her chair as this picture played out in her mind, arms casually crossed behind her head, and decided that maybe she should indulge and play make-believe more often . . .

She felt herself fall backwards.

She yelped.

For a brief second she thought about how much she hated that friggin' chair. You barely had to lean back to make it tip over…

The chair fell away from her and, to her horror, out of her reach. A wind rushed past her ears, and she still kept falling.

"What?!" It wasn’t the most intelligent comment, but when falling off swiveling computer chairs and into nothingness, people tend to not have much time to be intelligent.

Shouldn't she have hit the floor by now? Why was there wind? She thought she heard her sister screaming, but it sounded so far away…

"Christy?!"

She tried to open her eyes but she couldn't. She couldn't feel her body. Cold nothingness engulfed her and she felt like she was at the bottom of the world and it was spinning around and above her.

She screamed.

And fell.

And fell.

And fell.

And kept falling.

And for good measure, she fell some more.

WHUMP!

It was the sound of a wet sack of oats being hit with a sledgehammer, and to Kira’s dismay, she felt like the sack of oats.

"Owwww…"

The feeling was back in her body, apparently. Craptacular.

Groaning, she struggled to a sit and rubbed her aching behind. For a moment, she kept her eyes closed and tried to catch her breath, as the impact had knocked the wind right out of her. She slowly opened her eyes…

She was greeted by a sky that was a pale shade of jaundice. A reddish moon hung overhead, reminding Kira of an enormous Red Hot, her favorite candy.

"Huh?"

She kept looking at the sky, alarmed and bewildered. The sun was beaming down, so bright that tears formed in her eyes if she didn’t squint. Her skin felt hot, and the air was already starting to dry it out.

How had she gone from being in her parent’s study to here? Where was here?

"WHAT THE HELL!" she shrieked in fear.

She looked down at herself and saw a white robe. "Uuuuh, my God!"

She struggled to her feet, slipping several times in the sand first.

"OhmyGodohmyGodohmyGodohmyGod!" she freaked. She looked all around.

Sand. She was in a huge pit of sand surrounded by a circular ridge. And what were all those things on the ground…?

Eggs. Brown eggs with red specks.

Dragon eggs. She was at the hatching grounds, she realized, and her eyes widened in horror. It was just as she had imagined them.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD!!"

In a frantic manner, she looked at her surroundings and tried find some clue as to how she had gotten there.

"AAAAUGH!! HOW? WHO? WHY? HUH?! AAAAUGH!!" she screamed, her hands tearing at her hair in panic.

How was this even possible? How had she gotten here? What in the seven hells had just happened?!

"Okay, Kira, calm down!" she panted to herself. "Breathe! Think!"

She managed to keep herself from hyperventilating and passing out, but didn't manage much else.

Close enough.

“Okay, so you were imagining this place, and now you're here. So how did you get here? There's no way you could have just gotten here by imagining it…Hey! Maybe you hit your head on the floor when you tipped over! Hey, yeah! Yeah, that's it! That's why Christy was screaming! Because you got knocked unconscious!"

She looked around at sun-baked pit and nodded, much calmer now.

"Yeah, that's it. I hit my head. This is just a dream…"

That’s when she heard the noise. It started out as a buzz, distant and voiceless, and then it got louder and louder and seemed to be coming from all directions.

Someone was screaming.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUGGHH!!"

WHUMP!

What felt like a sack of concrete fell from above and hit her full on the shoulders, nearly breaking her neck and back. She fell to the ground, crushed under the weight, and all the air in her lungs rushed out in a whoosh.

"Owwww…" murmured a strange female voice.

Kira shoved the person off and scrambled away. The person screamed and scrambled away herself. They whipped around to face each-other. The girl stood up and brushed the dust off her baggy blue jeans, still staring at Kira with blue eyes behind oval-lensed glasses. Her long, dark brown hair could have certainly used the influence of a comb and had been haphazardly clipped back into a barrette featuring a large, shiny silver bow.

"Who are you?" Kira shrilled, rubbing her aching neck.

"Who are you?! The girl replied. "Where am I?"

She twirled around, saw the hatching grounds, opened her mouth up wide, and gave a long gasp.

“Oooh…” she breathed, eyes wide. “Spiffy!”

Kira lifted her head. 'Spiffy?' She peered closely at the girl. Could it…? Was it…? Kira didn't know what she looked liked, considering that she lived in Florida and Kira lived in New Jersey, but could it be?

"Holy hell! Kate? Is that you?"

Kate jumped at the mention of her name and stared back. "Huh?"

"It's me, Kira!"

Kate's eyes went wide.

"Wow! You look different than I imagined!" Kate cried, staring at the mousy, brown-haired, brown-eyed, spectacled girl standing before her. Kira took that as an affirmation of the girl’s identity. So this was Kate, the girl she had been friends with online for the past year.

"I thought you'd look more…um…crazy," Kate stated, scratching her head in confusion. “You sounded crazy.”

Kira nodded and grinned. "Understandable. Hey, is this better?" She made the Face, where her face split into a hideously wide grin and her eyes bugged out.

Kate jumped back. "Yaaaah!"

Kira dropped the Face and laughed. "That's how my friends react too."

Kate walked over to Kira and looked around again. "So, um, how did we get here?"

"Dunno."

"Where exactly is here?"

"Dunno."

"How come you're wearing a white robe and I'm wearing normal clothes?"

Kira looked down. Then she looked back up and shrugged. "Dunno."

"Weird."

Kira nodded. "For a second I was hoping that I fell off my chair and hit my head, but now that you're here, I'm not so sure…"

"All I remember was imagining the hatching grounds and then falling into a cold void of nothingness," Kate said matter-of-factly.

"Same here. Though I did imagine a white robe on myself first…" She looked down. "Ohhhhhh."

"So, we imagined this place and it became real? Since when has that been possible?"

"Dunno. Hey, let me try something." Kira closed her eyes and concentrated hard. “Wide-leg blue jeans, my maroon hippie-looking polo shirt. Wide-leg blue jeans, my maroon hippie-looking polo shirt. Wide-leg blue jeans, my maroon hippie-looking polo shirt…”

"Whaaat?" Kate intoned. "How did you do that?!"

Kira opened her eyes and looked down. "Hee hee, it worked!"

Her clothes had changed.

"This is my favorite shirt and jeans. So comfy…" Kira said. Kate looked at Kira's new clothes in wonder.

"Hey! Do you think if I imagine Elijah Wood…"

Kira rolled her eyes. “Now, of all times, you think of that?! NO!" she exclaimed. "That's an abuse of power."

Kate squinched her eyes shut anyway. "Elijah Wood. Elijah Wood. Elijah Wood…" she chanted. Kira smacked her upside the head.

"We don't know what would happen! Clothes are one thing, people are another! What if you hurt him by imagining him here? We have no idea what we're toying with!"

"Ooh, you're right. I don't wanna hurt him."

Kira looked around. "This is…this is absolutely amazing! I mean, it seems so real!”

“Is it?”

“I dunno. It could be just a dream.”

“A lucid dream?”

Kira snickered.

“What?” Kate asked.

“Oh, nothing. Just thinking about something I read…”

“I had a lucid dream before. Elijah Wood was in it.”

Kira turned and stared at her. “Really…” She waggled her eyebrows and gave her friend a wily grin. “Dare I ask what happened in it?”

“We hung out at an amusement park all day and went on the roller coasters.”

“That’s it?” Kira asked incredulously.

“Weeellll…”

“Weeellll, what?” Kira asked, and the words “nudge, nudge; wink, wink” were written all over her face. In black. With permanent ink.

Kate blushed and smiled sheepishly. She sighed wistfully. “He won me a teddy bear.”

Kira’s wily grin faded and she rolled her eyes. “You are a wild one, Kate. Whoo,” she said flatly. She turned her focus to the situation at hand. “Well, I guess we'd better explore and try to figure out what's going on. I wish someone was here to explain it to us."

"If only Odorf were here…" Kate said wistfully.

Flap. Flap. WHUMP!

"Oh crap," Kira muttered, eyes clamped shut, afraid to turn around.

"You called?" asked a raspy, booming voice, a voice that was all fire and brimstone.

They turned around and were greeted by the sight of an enormous, scaly, long-tailed, leather-winged dragon.

He was blue.

"GAAAAAAH!" Kira hid behind Kate. "EAT HER, NOT ME!!"

Kate, who had been staring at the dragon with an expression that could only be labeled as reverent, snorted and rolled her eyes. "Thanks," she sarcasmed.

She walked over to the dragon, who lowered its massive head down until it was eye level with the small girl.

"He's not gonna eat you,” Kate said, sounding both amazed and amused. “This is Odorf."

Kira stopped flinching and leaned forward in anticipation. "Really?" She stared at him. "He's so big!"

"He's a dragon!" said Kate. "Of course he’s big. Wanna pet him? He doesn't bite. Not all the time, anyway. At least, I don’t think so."

“How comforting,” Kira walked over very slowly, and very cautiously held out a hand. His side was rough, and dry, and bumpy. It felt like a mix of sandpaper and leather.

"Wow…" she whispered. Her eyes widened and she backed away. She started shaking, and then almost jumping up and down, in excitement. "Kate, do you realize what this means? Whether this is real or not, whether it’s some sort of magic or just a dream, anything we imagine, anything we can think off, becomes real! We can do whatever we want! Go wherever we wanna go!! We can create anything! We're like Gods! We can—”

"Elijah Wood. Elijah Wood. Elijah Wood—"

Kira smacked Kate upside the head yet again.

"Ow."

Odorf growled.

"Hey, she had it coming!" Kira said to the dragon. She turned back to Kate. "We still don't know if this will have any adverse effects on people. I mean, if it is somehow real. Inanimate objects are one thing, living things are another. It was risky to even imagine Odorf here."

"Oh. Yeah. Forgot that for a second."

Kira twirled around in a circle, looking up at the sky. "Well, as long as we stay with inanimate objects, let's test out a hypothesis…"

She concentrated hard.

"Be pink," she told the sky. With a flash of bright light it turned fluorescent pink.

Kira laughed with delight.

Seeing what was happening, Kate looked at the moon.

"Be…um…a big, grinning, evil smiley!!"

The moon became a yellow smiley with sharp teeth and an evil grin.

"Whoa," exclaimed Kira. "I hope Camilla Sandman doesn't get mad because we're borrowing her muse!"

Kate turned to the ridge surrounding the hatching grounds. "Turn into ice cream cones."

With a flash, the ridge was gone and replaced by ice cream cones, point up, with chocolate syrup dripping down the sides for good measure.

Kira laughed.

An odd thought entered her mind, though where it came from, she really couldn’t say. It almost seemed that it came from the outside…

She turned to the dragon eggs. "One of you…hatch."

Krik.

Krik. Krak.

"Ooh!" Kate said. "I think it's this one!" The two gathered near the egg Kate had pointed out. "Hey, what happened to not imagining living things?"

Kira shrugged…and wondered the same thing…

"Elijah Wood. Elijah Wood. Elijah Wood—"

SMACK!

"Ow."

Growl.

"She had it coming!"

They all turned back to the egg.

Krickle. Krackle. Krick. Krack.

The egg split down the center and flaked away. A tiny, adorable dragonet stumbled across the sand and bumped into Kira's leg.

"Awwwwww!" Kira said, her previously non-existent maternal instincts kicking in.

" It likes you!" Kate exclaimed. "What's its name?"

"Ummm, let me think…" She wanted to name it after a character she liked from a book or something. Gandalf? No, that was just wrong to steal the name of the powerful wizard. Frodo? Nah, didn't look like a Frodo. Sam? Too short a name for a dragon. Maybe one of the Knights of the Round Table (and subsequently from Monty Python and the Holy Grail)…

Then she had it!

"Rincewind!" she finally said.

An inept wizzard would have to do…

"Spiffy!" Kate said. "But I can't tell what color it is."

Kira couldn't either. It seemed almost as if was reflecting back the colors around and behind it.

“Weird…”

Kate poked Odorf. "What color is it?"

"I can’t tell," Odorf replied, peering at the smaller dragon.

"I think I have to choose the color," Kira said, trying not to be unnerved by the fact that she was conversing with a smurf-blue dragon that was quite noticeably larger than her. "And it's…um…"

She thought carefully.

Then she grinned evilly—as evilly as the smile in the sky.

"Urple!" she hissed under her breath. She imagined up some sunglasses and put them on.

Now my dragon will blind all my enemies! Bwahahahaha!

Kate didn't catch what Kira had said. She squinted her eyes. "So what is it, Odorf?"

"AAUGH! MY EYES!" Odorf roared as the dragonet suddenly turned an awful color somewhere between purple and pink. He promptly keeled over. Kate blinked for a second, still in shock. Then she screamed, "DUUDE! YOU KILLED MY DRAGON! NOO!”

"Oops," Kira said. Then, "Snerk. I win!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! My dragon is unstoppable!!"

Odorf rose to his feet angrily.

"Whuh-oh."

"I'm not quite dead yet," he growled, turning his eyes away from the gaily-colored youngster.

"ODORF! YOU'RE ALIVE! HE'S ALIVE!" Kate squealed. Then a random pair of dragon-sized sunglasses suddenly appeared on Odorf's face. Kate pulled sunglasses of her own out of thin air and put them on.

"Bugger!" Kira whined. "Grg." She held out her hand, imagined up some Ray-Bans, and put them on Rincewind to keep him from blinding himself if he ever saw his own reflection.

"Okay, I think you let this God-like power thing get to your head," Kate said with her hands on her hips. Then she threw a glance at the dragon, sitting comfortably on the sands, and bit her lower lip.

“Kira,” she said, “Do you think we could go flying? I’ve always wanted to fly on a dragon!” she said, her eyes shining with anticipation.

“Rincewind is still too small…” Kira said.

“Odorf could carry you too! You don’t mind, do you Odorf?” she asked of the blue dragon.

“Not at all!” he responded.

Suddenly Kira got an idea. Her eyes twinkled as she looked at Rincewind.

“You two go ahead. We’ll catch up,” she said.

“You sure?” Kate asked.

“Yeah, go on,” Kira replied. Kate gave a squeal of delight and ran across the sands. Odorf proffered his leg to her, and she climbed up onto his back, seizing hold of the ridges that went down his neck. The dragon started to flap his humongous wings, and the wind flattened Kira to the ground as she held her arms around her tiny, urple dragon protectively.

Then Kate and Odorf lifted up and started to fly around overhead. Even with the sunglasses the baby dragon still beamed up from below.

Kira looked at the dragon and rider, majestically gliding around above her. She looked down at her own little midget of dragon. She held out her hand. She could imagine anything she wanted into reality, right? She just had to get creative…

"Entdraught."

A mug appeared in her hand, and she bent down and held it as her little dragon drank.

Bloomp.

Kira had to jump out of the way as Rincewind grew to adult size. Fortunately, by some freakish, unnatural occurrence of nature, the glasses grew with him. She jumped on Rincewind's back. "FLY, MY PRETTY!!!" She said, cackling evilly. "FLY!!!"

Kate blinked in surprise. "Now why didn't I think of that?"

"Because I’m already big enough to fly?” Odorf rumbled.

"Hmm. You may be right,” Kate said thoughtfully. Then she tightened her hold on her dragon and let out a whoop of delight. “LET’S GO!”

They raced out of the hatching pit and to the desert (or dessert, as more ice cream cone mountains and lollipop trees greeted them) beyond with Kira and Rincewind following in hot pursuit.

“Wahhhoooooo!! This is amazing!” Kira cried over the rush if wind. She laughed wildly.

They could do anything. They could create anything. Whatever this place was and however they had gotten there, their imaginations now had their own personal playground.

If this is a dream I hope I never wake up, she thought. She laughed again and gave a loud whoop.

“Snerk. Snerk."

Kira abruptly stopped cackling and tapped her dragon on the back. "What kind of laugh is that?"

The dragon curled its head back and blew smoke at its rider. "Mine," it snarled.

"Durm…" Kira said, wiping off soot. She laughed again, reveling in the feel of the wind tossing her hair, and the sun on her face.

“I’m gonna catch up, Kate! BWAHAHAHAHA!” she cackled over the wind.

Meanwhile, Kate was peering over her shoulder at the rapidly approaching urple dragon and insane rider closing in on her.

"Wow, it didn't take much to make either of them evil," Kate said, shaking her head. She shrugged and turned forward again. "Oh, well. Shall we?"

"We shall!" Odorf responded, guessing her thought.

Kate closed her eyes and imagined. They thusly disappeared. A second later they reappeared right behind Kira and Rincewind, and Kate poked her friend.

"Ne ha ha!" Kate squealed.

"Hey, I wanna do that!" Kira imagined her and Rincewind behind Kate and…and it was odd.

A bit random thought made her lose her concentration. Her mind went off on an odd tangent. It almost seemed that the thought was put into her head from somewhere else…

POP. She disappeared from wherever they were.

POP. She reappeared somewhere else.

"Oops," squeaked Kira, looking at the lush, forested land below her.

"Oops," squeaked Rincewind.

*****

Back near the hatching grounds, Kate watched as Kira and Rincewind disappeared with a pop. "Follow them, Odorf!"

Though she didn’t know where they were, she almost felt…felt a pull, something tugging her somewhere else. She imagined that she was in the same place Kira was and…

POP.

POP.

She saw green, mountainy, lakey, rivery lands below her.

"Oooh, spiffy…" She said. "Wait, why does this look familiar…?"

Then her eyes popped.

"MWEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE!!!"

After all those years staring at the maps in front of the books, she could recognize this place in her sleep!

"Odorf! Do you know where we are?" Kate squealed.

"No. Should I?"

"MWEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE!!!"

*****

"What do we do now?"

"I dunno."

"You're the dragon! Where are we?"

"You're the human! Where did you imagine us?"

"I don't know! I lost concentration for a minute. And I can't remember what it was I was thinking about when we came here."

"Well," Rincewind said, annoyed. "Let's just wander around for awhile. Maybe we can figure it out."

"Oh, man…" Kira groaned. "Where's Kate?"

*****

"Oh, so that's where we are," Odorf said. "What do you want to do, now that we're here?"

"We could…go burn Mary Sues trying to bother Thranduil!" Kate suggested. "I'm feeling particularly protective of Thranduil at the moment."

"Do we have to? I don't feel like it right now."

"We can burn Mary Sues later, I guess…" Kate relented, wistfully.

"Sounds good to me," Odorf replied.

Kate looked around.

"So,” she said thoughtfully, “where in Middle-Earth are we?"

*****

Kira looked around. She could see for miles.

In the distance, she spotted a blue speck. She was about to say something to Rincewind, but the dragon saw it first.

"Snerk. Let's get'em!!" He flew ahead at breakneck speed.

"Wait! We need their help to figure out where we are!" Kira cried, as the wind shrieked past her ears.

*****

"Hey, Odorf…d'you feel like…we're not alone?"

Kate turned around and saw an urple torpedo heading straight for her.

"Gaaaah!"

Suddenly, Rincewind pulled out of his suicide dive and glided around Odorf in a circle so they could talk.

"Hello!" Kira called out.

"Hi!" Kate greeted, waving wildly. Odorf and Rincewind hovered next to each-other.

"Sorry, the power went to my head a little bit…" Kira said sheepishly.

"A bit?” Kate laughed. “That’s okay.”

"So, any idea where we are?" Kira asked.

At that, Kate squealed yet again. "Hee hee! Yes!"

"Well, where?" Kira asked, looking all around.

Kate pointed and Kira's eyes followed. "Misty Mountains!" Kate exclaimed. She pointed in the other direction, "And see that hilly region, really, really, really far away? Barrow-downs, Bree-hill, Shire, and various other hilly areas. Eriador in general."

"Huh?" Kira's mouth dropped open. "No way. No freaking way! We're—we're—“

"We're in Middle-Earth!" Kate exclaimed in a sing-song voice.

Kira's eyes bugged out. "AWESOME!!"

She looked all around her, trying to devour everything with her eyes. Then she looked down.

"Um…Uh-oh…"

"What?" Kate looked down herself. "Ooooh!"

"It's Rivendell!" Kira said. She said the next part under her breath, "Mary Sue central…"

"What's wrong with Rivendell? It's cool! Let's go down and—"

"No! It doesn't look in very good shape right now…"

"GAH!" Kate exclaimed, when she saw what Kira was talking about. "HEY! What's going on!"

The Last Homely House wasn't looking very homely. It was a fragmented mess, with plot holes causing twisted, ugly, time/space distortions everywhere. The building was too small in some places, tall and swirled into ugly shapes in others. The areas nearby didn't fare much better. A beach and a forest existed in the same scattered space, a desert and marsh occupied the same space nearby.

"Ugh!" Kate exclaimed. "Why the ickiness? Why's everything messed up?"

Kira had already figured it out.

"Two words. Mary…and Sue." Kira said with disgust. "There's a Mary Sue at work here."

Kate suddenly squinted. "Hey, what are those two dark figures down there? Why are they looking at us?"

"They're orcs! In Rivendell? Hey…" Kira said slowly, horror mounting in her voice. "Is that Jay and Acacia?"

"DUDE! IT'S THE PPC!" Kate squealed, too hyper from Godlike-power and the rush of flying to consider that it was not a good idea to attract the attention of PPC agents unless one is a native of Middle-earth. She waved. "HI PPC!"

"I'm not sure that's a good idea…" Odorf warned her.

"WAIT!! STOP!!" Kira shrieked.

Kate tilted her head but kept waving. "Why?"

Odorf shook his head and rolled his eyes. "They might think you’re a Mary Sue," he said.

"Me?!" Kate shrieked. She abruptly stopped waving.

"We're not supposed to be here!!" Kira shrieked, putting her hands on her head. "We’re modern girls that fell, er, flew into Middle-Earth! Technically, we're Mary Sues!"

"Oh no!” Kate moaned as reality set in.

"And we're on dragons!! Dragons, Kate! Think about it! The PPC hate when Mary--"

The dark figures down below them were moving. Kira screamed.

The PPC had pulled out their bows and arrows and were pointing them upward.

"Ohhh man, the PPC are gonna get us!”

"Odorf!" Kate shrieked. "Let's get out of here!"

He hauled wing.

"Snerk. She's quick on the uptake," Rincewind sarcasmed.

"Shut up and fly!" Kira yelled.

He did so.

"Phooey," Kate complained. "All I wanted to do was burn Mary Sues trying to get into Mirkwood!"

She pouted. Odorf would have said some words of comfort, but he was too busy dodging the arrows whistling up from the ground.

"AAAAAGHH!!!" Kira screamed, as one passed right by her head.

"AACK! ODORF, FLY FASTER! Duuuuude, they're gonna FOLLOW us!" Kate sobbed. "ASSASSINS ARE SCARY!"

“No, this…this is only a dream,” Kira murmured. “Only some sort of horrible dream. It’s not real…not real…”

Something punched into her left shoulder and there was a burning, hot pain that was so intense it made white spots flash in front of her eyes. She screamed in agony.

She stared at the bloody arrow sticking out of her shoulder in shock. The only thing that had kept it from going clean through was the fletching.

This was no dream. You didn’t feel pain like this in a dream.

The world seemed to slow down. Arrows cut through the air around them like an upside-down rain of splinters. Dimly, she was aware of Kate turning back on her mount to face her. Her friend’s mouth opened in a scream.

Kira lost her grip, slipped off of Rincewind's back, and plummeted towards the ground like a Christmas fruitcake.

"EEEEEK!" Kate shrilled. She nudged Odorf into a dive to catch Kira.

"Snerk," snerked Rincewind. "Oh, crap. I guess I have to try and save her."

He flew straight into Odorf and knocked the dragon and its rider out of the way.