We no own, you no sue,
Good for us, better for you.

(Why? Because all you'll get is some lint and old gum wrappers. That's why.)

Lord of the Rings and characters belong to the awesome dude that created them, J.R.R. Tolkien, and to whomever he sold the rights to (but mostly to him.) We're just borrowing it for our sick, twisted pleasure.

The Protectors of the Plot Continuum belong to Jay and Acacia, and are being used with their permission.

The song Kate and Kira sing is based off of We’re the Knights of the Round Table, which belongs to Monty Python. I'm Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman belongs to Britney Spears, as does Oops, I Did it Again!, and she is quite welcome to them. Everything You Know is Wrong and The Saga Begins belong to Weird Al Yankovich, Frontier Psychiatrist belongs to the Avalanches, The Ocean belongs to Dar Williams (the song, not the body of water).

The Pencil Show and it's theme song belong to Hikaness, mini-Balrogs, the Paddle of Canon Accuracy, and OFUM belong to Camilla Sandman, Kate and Kira belong to us, and pretty much everything else belongs to Professor Tolkien (except for the concept of Mary Sues, which belongs to whoever created the first one. *leers at Rincewind*).

O_O Woo, that was long.

We bow down to them! (Except for Britney Spears) We are not worthy to tie their shoes! (and we wouldn't really want to tie Britney's.)

*Bow.*

We would also like to thank lumarele for her grammar tip. It was very helpful ^_^

*****

Suedom

by Andy and Saphie

Chapter 10

Lothlórien's Identity Crisis

"What are you doing?"

Kate snapped her mouth shut and whirled around to face Kira.

"Uh…nothing! What are you doing up?" she said quickly.

Kira narrowed her emerald green eyes.

"You were sssinging. Like a Sssue."

"I was not!" Kate protested. She'd been sounding like herself for a moment there.

"You were! You were submitting to Sssuedom!" Kira insisted, pointing a long, spindly, accusing finger at Kate.

"I can't help it! I love music, all right? I always have! Why is that so wrong?" Kate whined.

"Ssuess sssing at random!" Kira hissed.

"But…I can't help it!" Kate said, her lower lip quivering. "You don't know what it's like for me to not be allowed to sing…" She suddenly burst into tears and began wailing loudly.

"Is there a problem?" Gimli asked, coming up behind Kira. Kate's bawling had, quite understandably, woken him up.

"Kate was submitting to Suedom," Kira said.

"I was not!" Kate wailed. "So what if I love to sing? That doesn't mean I'm submitting to Suedom! And it doesn't make me a 'Sue, does it? Okay," she said, looking down at herself. "So technically I am a Sue…but that's not the point! I love music, and it's not a bad thing! So there!" she finished, crying into her hands.

"Fine! Just don't be ssso loud. You'll get usss noticed," Kira said. "You know how—"

"I'll be as loud as I want, thank you very much!" Kate yelled, raising her head out of her hands suddenly. Gimli and Kira looked at her.

"Look, I'm sssorry about being ssso mean. Are you okay?" Kira asked.

"No, I am not okay!" Kate yelled hysterically, her voice steadily rising in pitch until it was high and breathy. "I'm sick of you accusing me, you stupid half-gollum, and I don't want you staring at me you scummy, little Dwarf!"

Kira stared at her in shock.

"I'm the princess of the Moon-elves, I don't need to listen to you!" Kate continued. She looked up and stared at them with blazing, urpley-silver—and to Kira's abject horror—clouded eyes.

"AAAUGH! Sshe sssubmitted! She’ss a Ssue!" Kira yelled.

"What?!" Gimli gasped.

"What is happening?" said Éowyn, who had woken up and come over.

"Kate’ss a Ssue!" Kira yelled, pointing.

"Kate? Sue? No, my name is Fishywishylishiel," the glassy-eyed Elf said. "Who are you?"

"No!" Kira yelled. Éowyn, her gray eyes wide, moved to grab Kate but stopped as the elf began singing again.

"I'm not a girl, not yet a woman!" Kate sang, now beginning to dance, her voice high and breathy.

"What is this devilry?" Éowyn shouted, pressing her hands over her ears.

"Oops, I did it again!" Kate giggled as the Shieldmaiden, Dwarf, and half-Gollum sank to the ground. "I played with your heart…"

"My earsss! Sssomeone put me out of my missery!" Kira screeched.

"Can't you do something to make her stop?" Gimli grunted through the pain.

"Uh…Fishy…whatever!" Kira shouted. "Remember the Paddle! Naturally Nine! Mini-Balrogsss!"

"I do not fear Balrogs!" Kate laughed, her voice tinkling like wind chimes. "I destroyed the one in Moria with my ice magic! Moon-elves can do that, you know."

Gimli looked positively disgusted.

"Oh great! The OFUM referenccesss aren't working!" Kira moaned. "Uh…remember…remember The Pencil Shhow!"

"I know not this show you speak of," Kate said primly. "Now if you don't mind, I must get back to my song."

"Oh, come on now! Remember the Folder of DEATH? The Frying Pan of Doom? What'sss the airssspeed velocity of an unladen ssswallow? Remember the Knightsss who say `Ni?'!" Kira said.

"No." Kate said. "Now I'm stronger than yesterdaaay…"

"Dammit, I'm no good at thisss!" Kira screamed in panic, her hands tearing at her hair. Suddenly a gleam of inspiration hit her. If music had been Kate's downfall, then maybe…

"I have a dog! Dog! Dog! His name is Sspot! Ssspot! Ssspot!" Kira sang, desperately trying to drown out the Mary-Sue.

Kate paused.

"Spot?"

Kira looked up. Kate had stopped. She was standing stock-still, her eyes wide and staring.

"He likes to…run!" Kate said. "Around a lot…"

"Yeah!" Kira said, nodding. "And…and Fred!"

"I have a cat! Cat! Cat! His name is Fred! Fred! Fred!" Kate sang slowly, picking up speed. "I think he wants! Wants! Wants! To see me dead! Dead! Dead! I like that song!"

"Yeah! That'sss it!" Kira said, watching Kate's eyes slowly uncloud. "What elssse?"

"And…and I like Weird Al!" Kate said, smiling slightly. "Everything you know is wrong! Oh my, my, this here Anakin guy, maybe Vader someday later, now he's just a small fry…"

"Remember your guitar?" Kira said hopefully. Kate's hands twitched.

"My guitar…" Kate said, raising her hands up as if she were holding an imaginary guitar. "I love to play it…" She began to strum the imaginary instrument. "I can play…play…The Ocean! And…that boy needs therapy, psychosomatic, That boy needs therapy, purely psychosomatic, that boy needs therapy!" she sang, grinning wildly. She blinked, her eyes clearing.

"What?" she asked, noticing that everyone was staring at her.

"Kate?" Kira said, her panicked pants finally calming down. She was still nearly hyperventilating.

"Yeah?"

"No more sssinging."

"Okay," the Elf said meekly.

*****

After the whole ordeal with Suedom was over, the group decided they should start moving. Mostly because Kate's whole brainwashing had thrown something up in their faces that they would have rather not have thought about:

They didn't have much time.

Eru knew how long they had before they succumbed to the horror that was called Suedom.

As they packed, Kate and Kira begged Éowyn to go back and get them decent clothes, but she refused. Even though she herself would prefer to go back and put on her chain-mail rather than the long tunic she was wearing, she was afraid that being around the Mary-Sues in Edoras would cause her to lose herself.

Besides, she wasn't quite sure she could restrain herself from killing the Éomer Lusters…

"Speaking of the Mary-Sues, what should we do about them?" Kate asked as she readied her pack.

"We leave them," Kira said flatly.

Kate stopped and looked up with wide eyes.

"What? We can't leave them! They'll die! The PPC will—"

"The PPC will kill uss if we don't get moving," Kira said. Her voice was stern, but Kate heard it tremble slightly. "You heard Rincewind. We can't unbrainwasssh them permanently, and ssome we can't unbrainwasssh at all. We can't wassste time trying."

"But—!"

"But nothing. We move," Kira said, while tugging at her pack's strap. "We find the Bridge before anyone elsse hass to die. There'sss nothing elsse we can do."

"But—!!"

"She's right," Gimli said softly. "If that…thing was telling the truth," he sounded somewhat doubtful here, his natural Dwarven mistrust of dragons kicking in, "then there isn't anything you can do but move on and finish the quest."

Kate looked pleadingly at Éowyn, but she just nodded in agreement with Gimli, and buckled her thick belt around her waist, her long sword in its sheath at her side.

The Elf sighed, and choked back the sob that rose out of her throat when she thought of what was probably going to happen to the Mary Sues. "Okay…"

They finished packing their things and started marching.

With Mary Sue inconsistencies at work a trip from Rohan to Lothlórien was much less trouble than it would have usually been, but it was no Elvish walking party. The "Powers That Be" apparently were feeling nasty today, because they weren't zipped directly to Lórien, as was usual. And as neither Kira or Kate were in the best of shape and were not at all wearing suitable traveling clothes, the trip was not only long…it was considerably full of whining.

"Ow! Stupid tree snagged my stupider hair!"

"Ouch! Oh wait, I ssstubbed my toe!"

"Ow! Are there supposed to be this many rocks in the road?"

"Are you sssupposssed to go on long walksss in high heelsss?"

"Good point."

"Do either of you ever stop complaining?" Éowyn finally asked as her last nerve was frayed through.

"Sorry. We're jussst not usssed to all thisss walking, my preciousss," said Kira. Gimli grunted, but said nothing. A thought suddenly occurred to Kate (who had discovered that no one objected if she hummed as long as she did it quietly and therefore had discovered a safety valve for her pent-up natural and Mary Sue instincts to sing.) She stopped humming and tapped Kira on the shoulder.

"Yeah?"

"How long do you think it's been?" Kate asked.

"Whaddya mean?"

"How long do you think it's been back home?" Kate said. "I know it's only been two days here, but these stories usually take weeks to write, don't they? What if we've been missing for weeks, or months or something?"

"Our familiesss mussst be worried ssick…" Kira said, considering this herself.

"How are we going to explain this away?" Kate wondered. "They're going to ask where we were, aren't we? We can't really say we were in Middle-Earth…"

Kira shrugged. "We'll jussst have to think of that when the time comesss, I suppose," she sighed. "Aww, man. My poor mom and dad mussst be freaking out right now. And my ssissster'ss probably beside herself."

"My family's probably freaking out, too…"

They lapsed into silence yet again, until about half an hour later. Kate suddenly looked up.

"Dude, you're never going to believe this," she said, her eyes wide and staring, "but a voice in my head just told me we're nearly at Lothlórien."

"The Authors?" Kira asked. "How come I didn't hear them?"

"No," Kate frowned. "It sounded like…Galadriel."

"The Lady?" Gimli said eagerly. "How soon shall we be there?"

"It's just over that hill," Kate said, gesturing towards an oddly placed rise of earth ahead of them, and Gimli positively capered towards it. It was an interesting sight, really, a Dwarf capering.

"There was something else…" she added to Kira in hushed tones, her eyes wide.

"What wasss it?" Kira asked.

"She called me…daughter." Kate said, looking dinstinctly uncomfortable.

"Oh yeah…aren't you sssupposssed to be the daughter of Galadriel and Elrond?" Kira asked with a shudder. "People jusst ssshouldn't cheat on their husssbandsss with their sssonsss-in-law."

"Tell me about it," Kate said.

"Aren't you coming?" Éowyn called from up ahead. Gimli was rapidly dashing up the hill. The girls followed with some misgiving. Who knew what horrors awaited them in the Golden Wood?

They quickly got their answer.

"Ho-ly freak-ing sshhit…" Kira said, her eyes wide with horror when she reached the top of the hill outside of the forest.

"Great Goddess on a Stick…" Kate swore.

The Golden Wood was a wreck. The trees couldn't seem to make up their minds whether they were mallorn or more common breeds of vegetation and kept changing from silver-barked and golden-leafed into brown-barked and green-leafed and back again. It also smelled like an explosion in a perfume factory. Kate pulled her robes up over her nose. Un-canonical structures were rapidly popping up, displacing trees, and popping out of existence again. Patches of unconnected, yet still somehow running water were strewn across the landscape. A pink winged unicorn popped into existence and took a drink from one of the sections of river, then imploded in upon itself as Middle-Earth logic kicked in.

"It is…certainly not like I imagined it would be…" Éowyn said, taking in the wood.

"It's all messssed up because of the 'Sues affecting it'sss geography from inssside," Kira said.

"It's yucky," Kate put in. Next to her, Gimli was quivering with barely suppressed rage.

"They've made a monstrosity of it!" he growled. "Never have I seen so beautiful a place defiled so completely!"

"Then we better hurry and get rid of what causssed it, huh?" Kira said, and the group started on their way into the Wood.

*****

It was worse than they could have ever imagined it.

Haldir and some of his fellow elves showed up just as they were entering and though they were very suspicious of Gimli and Éowyn, they drooled mindlessly over Kira and fawned an obscene amount over Kate, repeatedly calling her "Princess Fishywishylishiel".

"The Queen will be overjoyed to know you have returned to us!" Haldir gushed. "You were always her favorite daughter, you know, and you were a great comfort when her firstborn died."

"You have a funky bump on your nose," Kate said, staring at the offending appendage and crossing her eyes in the process. Haldir was rather cool towards them after that, but he led them straight to Galadriel. Gimli was positively skipping with glee, although he had had his share of misgivings over the elves calling Kate Galadriel's daughter and was quite offended to learn of her paternity. He did not hold it against her, though, for which Kate was glad. Being on a dwarf's bad side was most likely not at all enjoyable.

"The Lady will see you now," Haldir said after leading them up a surprisingly short flight of steps. Kira had flashbacks to doctor's waiting rooms.

Slowly the oddly-placed doors in front of them opened. ("I don't remember a door. In the movie or the book," Kira muttered angrily, while going into a twitching fit) A bright light shone from within, and the silhouette of a person could be seen. The Lady, tall, stately, and beautiful, moved towards them with the utmost grace and sophistication and…ran up to Kate and threw her arms around her.

"Fishywishylishiel, my long-lost daughter! Oh, how my heart has yearned for you! Where did you go? I shall never let you out of my sight again, dearest child!"

Kate stared in shock and disgust at this simpering elf who was supposed to be one of the Firstborns. She was about to reply when an odd noise made her stop. She frowned and blinked. "Hey, listen to that…"

"What a strange sound…" Éowyn commented.

"It almost ssoundss like…" Kira said, and turned around.

Gimli was standing there bawling his brains out.

"This is not Galadriel!" he sobbed. "What evil do these thoughtless wenches possess that can hold sway even over the Lady?"

"It'sss called 'bad writing'," Kira said. She looked back at the Lady. "And isss it ever bad…"

"Alas!" Gimli cried. "That even the power of the Lady is not strong enough to resist them!"

"There, there," Kate said, patting Gimli on the shoulder. "Once we get rid of the Bridge, this will all go away. Speaking of which, uh…Mom, you haven't seen a bridge around here, have you?"

The Lady considered it.

"No, my darling long-lost child, I have not," she said. Kate winced at the terms of endearment. "Who, may I ask, are your friends?"

"This is Kira. Not Arintereliser-whatever. And the Lady Éowyn, Shieldmaiden of Rohan. And Gimli son of Gloin."

"A dwarf? In Lórien?" Galadriel-who-was gasped. "I will allow no such thing! Guard!" Haldir jumped to attention. "Remove this creature at once!"

Gimli gaped at the elf woman, completely crushed at her words. "But…but Lady, I have pledged myself to your service—"

"Take it AWAY!" she bellowed.

"No, mother, don't you dare do any such thing!" Kate cried, stamping her foot in a remarkably good imitation of a bratty `Sue. "This Dwarf is my friend, and you will show him every courtesy!"

"Fishywishylishiel," Galadriel said sternly. "I am your mother, and if—"

"If he goes, I go!" Kate said stubbornly.

"Oh, okay," Galadriel sighed, sending Kira into another twitching fit. ("Ssslang. Why did it have to be sslang?") "Just as long as you're not planning to elope with the scummy creature or some such thing.”

Kate had no reply to that. Gimli didn't seem to hear the last part (thank goodness) but he looked extremely crestfallen.

"It'sss alright, it'sss not her fault she'sss acting like thisss," Kira said quietly.

"I had hoped the Lady could resist them…" Gimli mumbled sadly.

"The bigger they are, the harder they fall," Kira said.

"What?" Éowyn asked, looking askance at the Lady of the Golden Wood, who was still bickering with Kate.

"The ssstronger the person isss, the more sssusssceptible they are to the `Sssues influence," Kira said just as Kate bounded over. "That'ss not true for all charactersss, but the attractive charactersss, and the mossst powerful onesss, like Gandalf, and Elrond, and the Lady here, sseem to be hit the worssst."

"Good news!" Kate crowed. "I told Gladdie—" here Gimli twitched "—that we're on a sacred quest, so she agreed to give us lembas and better clothes and Elven-cloaks! No more cold nights!" she said, grinning happily. "This daughter-of-Galadriel thing could be useful. Oh, and she's going to feed us too!"

"Excellent," said Kira. "But I think we ought to get out of here as sssoon as we can. Gimli's taking Lórien pretty hard."

His head hung so low that his beard nearly dragged on the ground.

"Poor guy," Kate said.

"We should, at the least, eat before going on," Éowyn said. "We must preserve what supplies we have."

"And get a change of clothesss. I hope we can get them to give usss sssomething that's not a dresss," Kira said, as a group of elves bustled up, presumably to attend to their needs in a most un-Elvish way.

*****

"I'm bored. Is the stupid thing working yet?"

"Nope." DraztiK whacked the side of the remote activator yet again. Unsurprisingly, nothing happened. "Great, just great. Not only do we end up in Lórien instead of Fangorn, we can't even get back or contact Headquarters."

"Don't forget we're stuck with your whining," his partner, Murasaki, snapped from her position lounged against one of the trees (all of which seemed to be going through an identity crisis, changing from commonplace trees into mallorn and back again) in front of a section of river. Of course she was currently disguised as a Nazgûl, so she was lounging in the evilest possible way. "It's not entirely my fault we ended up in Lórien."

"You're the one who put in the wrong coordinates," DraztiK said, holding the remote activator upside down and glaring at it. Why wasn't it working?

"Well, we got to kill a Mary-Sue anyway, didn't we?" Murasaki said, gesturing towards the general area they had thrown the body of Enlaweiyen, who had been waiting to have a smut with Legolas (which was futile, since Legolas was in Rohan at the moment. Stupid `Sues.), into the "river".

"Yes, but that's not our mission," DraztiK reminded her. "Our mission was to find Jay, Acacia, Mary Sue, and all those new recruits and bring them back to Headquarters so the SO could chew them out. You know, I wanted to make a good impression on our first mission."

Murasaki shrugged. "A minor detail."

DraztiK sent his partner a withering glare (which she ignored) and resumed poking the remote activator.

"Wonder where they're going," Murasaki said, pointing an armored hand towards a large group of elves walking past. DraztiK looked up and blinked.

"Fishywishylishiel, the long-lost daughter of Galadriel has returned! There is to be a feast in her honor!" one of the Elves said, and the others looked very excited at this news.

"More `Sues?" DraztiK marveled.

Murasaki sighed and reached for her bow and quiver.

"A protector's work is never done."

*****

A feast in Lórien, while uncanonical, is really quite useful when one is a hungry fugitive and has only had cold bread and cheese to eat all day. Kate and Kira, now clothed once again in overly beautiful dresses that were only a bit more covering than the Barrow-Wight robes, didn't want to stay too long in a messed up Lórien and stuffed themselves quickly. Éowyn attempted to engage the Elf sitting next to her in a conversation, but since the Elf was only there to make it look like the feast for Fishywishylishiel was important, it had very little to say. Gimli only stared morosely at his plate, no doubt mourning Lothlórien.

"Aw, cheer up dude," Kate was saying, her mouth full of lembas, which was really as good as the book had said. "Once we find the bridge and destroy it, everything will be all better."

"First of all, I am not a `dude.' I am a dwarf. Second, you don't even know where the Bridge is."

"We'll find it," Kira said, trying to sound surer of it than she felt. "You'll ssee."

"And then the Lady and Legolas and…Frodo…" Kate broke off, smiling as she always did at the mere mention of the Ringbearer's name.

"…and everybody elssse will all be back to normal," Kira finished for her. This seemed to hearten him somewhat and he dug into his food with gusto. Despite the ruined Canon, the food was delicious, and the four wanderers lost track of time while they packed it away. It was about an hour or so into the meal when it happened.

"A song! Let us hear a song!" some of the elves cried out.

"Oh, sshit!" Kira said. "No! We don't wanna ssing!"

But Kate's opinion was entirely different.

"Ooh! Yay!" She started to climb on the table.

"Kate! What did I ssay about ssinging? Remember what happened before?!"

"But I have a great idea!" she said excitedly. She whispered something to Kira, and even to her own amazement, the half-gollum started to grin from ear to ear.

"Well, I guesss that'sss okay. Can I do it, too?"

"Sure!"

She whispered a whole lot more and then they both climbed onto the table.

Gimli and Éowyn just looked at them, then to each other, then back to them, completely perplexed.

"My dear elves, humans, dwarves—"

"And don't forget half-gollumses," Kira whispered.

"Right. And half-gollums! This is a beautiful song from back home that we hope to enchant you all with!"

Haldir and the other blond, clone-ey elves looked on excitedly.

Kate turned to Kira. "Ready?"

"Ready."

Kira turned to the still-confused Gimli and Éowyn and winked. Then she turned back to Kate and they got started.

"Look, my liege!" Kira cried.

"Lórien!" Kate cried.

"Lórien!" a Random elf yelled, caught up in the excitement.

"Lórien!" cried Haldir.

Kira whispered, "It'sss only a model."

"Shh!" went the elves.

"Mary Sue, I bid you welcome to your new home. Let us nance…to Lórien!"

Then the two started singing in the loudest, shoutiest, most out-of-tune voices they could muster.

We're Mary-Sues and we're miser-able! We try not to nance whene're we're able!
We run from PPC, and OOC, with Mary-Sue skills imp-e-cable;
We dine well here in Lórien, we eat fruit and meat and lembas then!

"That didn't really rhyme!" Kira shouted.

"Who cares!"

We're Mary-Sues and we're miser-able! Our perfect forms are for-mid-able!
Though many men, lust after us then, and they are un-shake-able
It's not so bad in Lórien, We wish we owned a wood-hen!

"That didn't make sense!" Kate cried.

"Who caresss!"

Though we're not so tough or able,
Quite easily de-feat-able,
We go on quests, with ample chests, to seek Bridges un-find-able!
It's a busy life in Lórien:

Kate's voice rose up in a deep-toned solo:

I wish I had my ball-point pen!

They jumped around for awhile, kicking plates and food onto the elves, until finally (after most of them were covered in their dinner) they stopped, panting.

"On second thought, let's not stay in Lórien. It is a silly place," Kate panted.

"Right, right," Kira panted back.

They looked up eagerly to see the reactions of the elves and started laughing themselves silly. The Galadhrim had the most hilarious, astonished looks on their faces.

But then, to the girls' complete and utter amazement…their eyes started to clear!

"Ai Eru!" Kate cried. "I can't believe this!"

The Lady and the Lord Celeborn (who had been spared from the onslaught of food because the girls held such a deep respect for them) were changing before their eyes. A bright light shone out from Galadriel's body, and it was not the fakey back-lighting that they had seen so far. It was real light, emanating from her.

Gimli and Éowyn, whose faces had been sporting expressions of outrage at the disrespect the girls had shown the elves, jumped to their feet with faces filled with amazement as the elves changed around them. Gimli looked at the Lady with what could only be hope burning in his eyes.

Kira and Kate looked at each other and laughed wildly. They had only sung their song to shake things up a bit. They knew that the Elves had probably heard pop songs out the wazoo, and wanted to do something different (and also have an excuse to kick things and dance on the table.) They had never expected, never even hoped in their wildest dreams that this…

Suddenly, the Lady of the Wood spoke. "Gimli?" She said, peering at the Dwarf in amazement. "What are you doing here? Who are these people? Why are we not in Valinor?" Slowly, all semblance of a human actress faded out of her appearance until the Lady of the Wood was once again herself, an ethereal being; ancient, fair, and perilous.

“Whoa…” Kira murmured looking at her.

“Wow…” Kate whispered.

What did Sam say to Faramir in the book? Kira thought. ‘Sometimes like a great tree in flower, sometimes like a white daffadowndilly, small and slender-like. Hard as di’monds, soft as moonlight. Warm as sunlight, cold as frost in the stars. Proud and far-off as a snow-mountain, and as merry as any lass I ever saw with daisies in her hair in springtime. But that’s a lot o’ nonsense, and all wide of my mark.’ Oh, Samwise Gamgee, you went quite wide off the mark indeed…

"My Lady!" Gimli cried joyfully, and tears streamed down as he knelt by her side and clasped her hand. "My Lady! They have freed you!"

The girls grinned at each other in amazement. She was free! Apparently, they had shaken things up more than they thought!

"What has happened?" the Lady asked. Her face was full of sorrow and her eyes seemed to see across a great distance. "Something is wrong. I can sense it. What has happened to the world?"

Gimli stood, wiped his eyes, and looked up at her, a grimness replacing the joy on his face. "A new evil has come to Middle-Earth. A foreign evil that does not destroy, but mars and deforms everything it touches. Valar, Elves, Dwarves, Men, Hobbits, Ents, whole kingdoms are being corrupted."

"None can escape it. None can defeat it," Éowyn chipped in. "A new darkness has fallen upon Middle-Earth."

"What is it? Where has it come from?"

"It's name is Mary Sue," Kate said from behind Gimli and Éowyn. "It comes from a different world."

"Our world," Kira added, gesturing to Kate and herself. "People in our world write thessse ssstoriesss, and sssomehow, they're coming through to Middle-Earth and affecting your world. We're trying to find the thing, the Bridge, that iss bringing thessse ssstoriesss and changing your world, sso we can destroy it. But we have no idea where to look. Do you know where it could be?"

The four wanderers looked on hopefully. Kate and Kira nearly shook with anticipation.

Please, they both thought, though they had no clue that their thoughts were exactly the same. Please let her know…Please… If an un-Sued Galadriel doesn't know where it is, we'll never find it…Please…

"I am sorry,” said Galadriel finally. She shook her head sadly. “A strange darkness blocks my view of the world. I cannot help you. "

Kate sighed and held her hands over her eyes. Kira slumped onto the ground, overtaken by despair. If the Lady Galadriel didn't know where it was, how could they ever hope to find it?

They never would. They would search and search and search and never find it, and they would never get home to their families, and they would be trapped in this screwed-up version of Middle-Earth forever…

No…not forever. Middle-Earth would tear itself apart. A beautiful world, with its own history, and people, and languages, and countless places, places that were dangerous and beautiful, and sometimes a brilliant mix of both would be lost forever, and they would be lost along with it. They would be there at the end of this world. They would watch it fall, because of their failure.

No. That wasn't right either.

They'd die long before that: pierced through by arrows, or poisoned, or at the point of the sword or the dagger. Then their bodies would be fed to orcs or the Watcher in the Water, and ripped into shreds, into unrecognizable, easily digested tidbits…The PPC would get them before the end. They couldn't run forever…

They hadn't admitted it, not to Gimli or Éowyn, not to each other, not even to themselves, really, but Kate and Kira had both had hinged all their hopes on a single thought: Galadriel will know.

But she didn't.

And now they had a whole world to search, and very little time to do it.

What the hell had happened? It had started as a fun adventure, where their imaginations had (quite literally) come alive, and they got to ride dragons and see a world they had always dreamed of seeing. Now, they were being shot at and chased by assassins all the time, and they had to sleep on the cold ground, and avoid getting sexually harassed by overly amorous characters. And they kept getting hurt and captured by nasty things like wights and such (Kira, especially), and they constantly ran the risk of becoming brainwashed and losing themselves; losing everything that made them who they were, everything that made them individuals.

What was worst of all was that they now had a Quest. Not an adventure. A bona fide "save-the-world-at-great-personal-risk" Quest.

A Quest, it now seemed, that they were going to fail.

A Quest, that, if failed…would lead to the end of a world.

How had it come to this?

"Craptacular!" Kira cussed aloud, her head falling back against the tree with a dull thud. "That'sss jussst craptacular."

"We're never gonna find it," Kate said miserably, completely forgetting the words she had spoken to Gimli just minutes before. "The world's too big. We need a starting point. We need somewhere to at least start looking, or some sort of clue as to what the Bridge even looks like. We need something, anything."

"If there is any other way we can aid you..." Lord Celeborn started, as he came up to Galadriel's side. Though it had taken him longer to come to his senses, he was finally himself again.

"They could use weapons," Éowyn said. "I dared not risk going back to the armories when we were at Edoras. If I had, I may have lost myself. However, the girls need weapons. Assassins are after them, and if they attack again, they need to be able to defend themselves. Gimli and I have great skill with ax and sword, but we cannot be everywhere at once. They may have to fight before the end."

"And there are still orcs and worse things left in the world," Gimli added. "Even with our world as defiled as it is, the old dangers have not left."

Kate looked up at them, completely horrified.

"Fight?" she whimpered.

Gimli turned and looked at her, with a face as hard and gray as stone. "This is Middle-Earth," he said bluntly. "If you wish to survive in our world without fighting, then you do not truly wish to survive. I do not know entirely what your world is like but at this point in the history of our world we are at war. You must either fight…or die. It is your choice."

"Fight," Kate whimpered. "But there's to be no killing of PPC unless absolutely necessary," she added. "They're trying to save your world, just like we are, and they don't know they're killing innocent people in the process."

"Agreed," Éowyn said. "But you still need weapons. What weapons did you have skill in?"

"Uh…I can smack people with my guitar. Does that count as a weapon?" Kate asked sheepishly.

They just stared. "A sword, I guess. Then, at least, you could give me a few pointers, Éowyn. We could just use `Sue powers and use any weapon perfectly, but that might brainwash us. We'll have to pick ones you and Gimli can teach us to use."

"And you, Kira?" Éowyn said.

"Sword. I'd rather have an ax, but I'm not strong enough for it," she said, without raising her gaze from the ground. "And bow."

Kate looked at her quizzically. "Huh?"

Kira looked up briefly. "Learned archery from my uncle. He usssed to go hunting all the time. I didn't want to murder any poor, defenseless animalss though, ssso I'd just practicce on a big foam deer he had. Every time I'd vissit, I'd practicce, until I started liking archery ssso much my parentsss got me my own bow and arrowsss and a big foam deer and a bullseye. I upgraded to paper platesss flung into the air by my dad lasst year. Been doing it sssinccce I wass eight, sso I've gotten pretty good. My friends keep telling me I should compete…"

"This is no competition," Gimli said. "And you need to be prepared to kill. Orcs are far from being poor and defenseless."

Celeborn called some of the most in-character elves and told them what to bring.

"What'sss the point?" Kira moped, staring morosely at her feet again, as she had through most of the conversation. "We'll never find the Bridge."

Galadriel finally spoke again, struck with an idea.

"There may be a way," she said. "Follow me."

Kate dragged Kira up off of the ground, and they all followed as Galadriel led them through the ever-changing trees. Celeborn rushed about, ordering the elves to do tasks that had been neglected all this time. He wanted to reinforce Lórien's defenses and such. They'd been rather lax as of late due to the elves' brainwashing.

"Where are we—?" Kate started to ask. "Oh…"

She had led them to a small clearing in the woods, a glade of sorts. It was very, very familiar…

Galadriel walked to the pedestal in the middle of the clearing, and filled a pitcher of water from the small streamlet that ran through the rocks behind the pedestal. She poured it into the basin on the pedestal and beckoned the girls to come forward.

"I do not know if you will see what needs to be seen, but my mirror may show something that will help you achieve your goal."

Nervously, the girls stepped forward.

"Who shall go first?"

"I will," Kate said, her voice trembling. She was eager to see the Lady's "magic," though she was also quite frightened. In any case, Kira was making no move to go look.

Kate slowly stepped forward and leaned over the shimmering water, still rippling slightly in the silver basin. Her hands trembled slightly as she looked.

At first she saw nothing, just the bright, silvery bottom of the basin and her own reflection in it. Then stars flickered into view, stark as crystal in the dark sky. Kate gasped in wonder, marveling at their clear beauty. Suddenly, the stars went dark…not as if they had been covered, but as if…

The stars are shining black! Kate thought with horror. Damn the Suvians and their clichés!

A great smoke erupted out of the sky, roiling and writhing and turning in on itself, glowing red and black like embers of coal. Flames came raining down onto the earth, tails of fire trailing behind them.

Is this what the end is going to look like? Kate thought. Am I seeing the end of Middle-Earth?

The image changed.

She saw a lonely figure in a beautiful, green, leafy glade. He was sitting against a rock, and he was worn and filthy and tired-looking. His hands hung at his sides in despair. She tried to see his face, but he was too far away. All she could see was that he was very small, no bigger than a child. A hobbit, perhaps? He didn't look like Frodo; he was too thickly built. Maybe it was Sam…But why was he sitting there? Where was he? Why wasn't Frodo with him?

The image changed again.

It was dark, a tunnel of some kind. The only light came from a torch behind her. In front of her, she saw a glitter of gold. It was a belt, set with rubies and wrapped around some sort of chain-mail…

To Kate's horror, she realized the owner of the chain-mail was still inside of it. A skeleton lay there, sword broken, its hilt notched and cracked, its pearly-white fingers still stuck in the cracks of what appeared to be the outline of a door in the wall. A dark figure moved in front of the door, and Kate saw it clawing desperately at it, banging it with the hilt of its sword. Off to the side, dark shaped moved, whispers of light in the dark, and they filled Kate with terror.

Get out of there! she thought desperately. Get out of there!!

As if listening to her thought, the image changed again.

There was a glimmer of light, then flames filled her view yet again, and she saw withered hands with thin blackened flesh that cracked and split…burning…burning…

She screamed in terror, pulled herself away from the basin, and threw herself onto the ground.

I know what it is you saw, Kate heard Galadriel's voice in her head. Remember it. It may be frightening, but I feel that it may be of help to you. It will help you find what you seek.

Kate scrambled away on all fours and stopped at Éowyn's feet. She sat there shaking and shivering, afraid to move again. Gimli and Éowyn bent down to comfort her.

Those hands…those horrible hands…

"She saw something that frightened her, but it is for the best," Galadriel said calmly. She turned to Kira. "It is your turn…"

Kira gulped. "Gollum, gollum…" she muttered nervously. "My preciouss."

She stepped up to the mirror.

After seeing Kate's reaction, she would have rather passed on her viewing of the Mirror of Galadriel, but she had the feeling that the Lady wouldn't quite appreciate it.

She looked in.

Like Kate, she saw nothing at first.

Then…fire…a wheel of golden fire, slowly turning around and around…

It…it fascinated her…it was so beautiful…

The image changed.

A dark shape rose above her, a shape she didn't want to look at, a shape that filled her with dread. She tried desperately to turn away, but she couldn't. She couldn't tell what it was. For some reason the image was blurry, but she saw enough to know that it was something she never wanted to see again.

Oh God! she thought, so filled with such indescribable horror and despair that she couldn't even voice her words out loud, couldn't even move. Oh GOD! Go away! Please, go away!

Black shapes wheeled around the large…thing…in front of her. She saw a small dark figure totter like a drunkard towards the dark figure. Several times the figure resisted and tried to walk back, but each time it just tottered forward again.

Just as the large figure reached towards the smaller, the image changed, but this new vision did not bring Kira any relief.

It was a dark wood, and rising up in the pitiful amount moonlight was a horrible creature, hairy, many-legged, and black. A giant spider! Was it Shelob?! But what was She doing in the woods?

The image changed again. A boy walked in front of her through a dark passage-way. She couldn't recognize him. Only the back of his head was visible, tufts of radiantly red hair sticking up in all directions.

The pictures started shifting rapidly now, like a slideshow set on a fast speed.

A figure stood in front of her, pointy-eared and fair. An elf…but why was it wearing black leather?

A swarming mass of angry, black ants below, rushing around each other, churning like rapids in a river. Lightning flashing above. Men all around, grim-faced, holding weapons…

A scrawny figure on a plain, clothed in red, a pointy hat on its head, running from an angry mob as if its life depended on it…

A figure strewn on the ground…a hobbit clad in green, and three other little hobbits, two dressed normally, one clad in black and bearing the token of a white tree, were defending him from a swarming mass of orcs. One of the hobbits had a glowing blue sword…

Kate, lying asleep below a wooden pillar. More peaceful than Kira had ever seen her…

A figure, glowing white, striving against the same horrifying dark figure she had seen before. Flashes of lightning everywhere…Flames…

Finally, the flashing pictures stopped.

The flames rose up again…curling around in a circle…the wheel of fire, bright and golden…so beautiful…so bright…so lovely…so…so…

Precious…

As if moved by some will other than her own, Kira's hand slowly moved towards the wheel…

Do not touch the water! Galadriel commanded. Kira jumped and pulled her hand back as if she'd been bitten.

It was fortunate that she did. Flames rose up again, and pulled together to make one of the most hideous things she had ever seen. A horrible, fire-rimmed eye filled all her view.

It was no computer-generated image.

It was real.

She felt it try to pin her down. It tried to pierce clothes and flesh and see through to her very soul, where the force behind it would freeze her spirit and rend it to pieces.

She screamed and finally forced herself away. Falling back on her rear, she stared up at the Lady, shock and horror twisting her perfect face.

You start to understand, the Lady's voice resounded in her head. You will be faced with great temptation. You know of what I speak; you have seen it. Soon, you will feel its pull; its sway over you will grow stringer and stronger with each passing day, until it drives you to madness and every waking moment is full of endless, insatiable desire. You MUST not give in to that desire, for though your world brings darkness to Middle-Earth, His darkness will always be stronger. Even now, the Enemy seeks the Ring, hoping to use this time of weakness to his advantage.

Galadriel paused, then "spoke" again, her voice extremely slow and foreboding.

Kira most definitely did not like what she heard. It made her feel as though all her blood had been drained out and replaced with ice water. It made her want to curl under a rock and hide forever …

He means to use YOU to get it.