Disclaimer: We still don't own it. Only Kate and Kira belong to us. And Rincewind the Dragon and the Bridge. But you can have them if you want.

*****

Suedom

by Andy and Saphie

Chapter 14:

Middle-Earth's Sexiest Volcano

Kate!

All fear of turning her back on the bunny was quickly forgotten, and the scenery blurred as Kira’s feet took over.

There was another scream. Once again, it sounded like Kate, but this one sounded more like a scream of rage…

Kira ran even faster, jumped through the ring of trees…

And quickly found out what Kate was screaming about.

The trees opened up into a clearing, sun-filled, and overly cheery-looking. Lying in that clearing, tangled in a heap of blankets (on top of a bed of rose petals) was an Elf.

"YOU EVIL FRODO-WHORING SLUT!" Kate was screaming as she thrashed wildly in Éowyn's arms.

Her hair was carrot red, not a common color for Elves, Kira's inner fanfic author noted. And her eyes were green.

Wow, a red-headed, green-eyed Elf. Never seen that before, went the inner writer. Yawn.

But then she saw the reason for Kate’s dismay…

Lying next to the Elf was a tiny, half-pintish figure that looked remarkably like Elijah Wood. His eyes were blank. Although the two were mostly covered by blankets, they both appeared to be…naked.

Ew.

Kira gagged in disgust.

The situation had all the makings of an "enjoyable" time for the Elf and hobbit, but they were far too busy cowering in fear to enjoy themselves—or at least the Sue was. Frodo was a bit too out of it to do much anything. The reason the Mary Sue seemed out of her mind with fear was obvious, for two yards away, was an enraged Kate, who looked about ready to tear the Mary Sue (for that's what she obviously was) apart. The only thing stopping her was Éowyn, who currently had her in a rather tight full nelson.

"LEMME AT HER!" Kate screamed. "LEMME AT HER! GET AWAY FROM FRODO, YOU-- you…hobbit-raping WHORE! When I get my hands on you…!"

Sam was standing nearby, nearly bursting with rage, and so was Gimli, judging from the look on his face, but the Dwarf seemed to have a better control over it. He did scowl, though. It was an impressive scowl. Only a Dwarf could scowl like that. Gimli was holding the hobbit back, once again explaining that there was an innocent soul in the Mary Sue’s body. Kira ignored the Mary Sue, ran over to Kate and put her hands on her shoulders, trying to help Éowyn hold her at bay. The Shieldmaiden was having a surprisingly difficult time keeping a grip on her.

"Kate! Kate, look at me!" Kira cried. "Look at me!"

Kate kept ducking her head, trying to look around her, but eventually Kira caught her eyes.

"Kate! You need to calm down!"

"BUT—!"

"CALM DOWN!" Kira yelled sharply. Kate stopped struggling. The furious look on her face slowly drained away. The expression that replaced it was the look a puppy might have after being lost out in the rain, kicked by multiple strangers, and put on death-row. Tears welled up in Kate’s annoyingly bright, urpley-wilver eyes. She looked over at Frodo, sitting naked in the tangle of blankets, his face emotionless, his eyes blank and clouded, and she whimpered.

"She's taking advantage of him," she said, her voice quavering. "He's not himself and she's using him…It's rape. It's rape and it's wrong."

"It iss. I won't deny it, Kate. It iss rape. He iss being taken advantage of. But sso iss the girl sstuck in that body. Sshe'ss not hersself either."

"That’s what I’ve been trying to remind her," Éowyn said. "Back in Edoras I would have killed those two girls that came in, for what they were doing to my brother and all the other men. It was what I thought they rightly deserved…but after hearing your story, I refrained. You said that they are all like you. If they are, then there is someone in that body, lost and alone and afraid. That is what you told me…"

Kate lowered her head, looked down at the ground, and started sobbing. Kira's eyes narrowed to slits. That whore had made Kate cry. She'd made her cry.

Éowyn did her best to comfort Kate, and Kira turned. She drew her sword.

"You get away from my master!" Sam cried, enraged.

"Shut up, servant!" the 'Sue commanded. Sam's mouth clamped shut. He couldn't help it. He miffle-mrrmmphed angrily, but he couldn’t force it open.

"You're going to regret that," Kira hissed, her eyes narrowed dangerously.

The Mary Sue screamed, "I am Lossenedheliel, the FireJewel, Lady of the Crimson Flames! The Half-Elf, Half-Valar that the Valar sent to Middle-Earth to save the world from destruction! I am its Savior! I will not be treated this way!"

Ironic, Kira thought. She's supposedly sent to "save" Middle-Earth when in fact she's one of the many things helping to bring about its ruin…

"Sso ssorry that I’m not bowing, your half-goddessslinesss." She paused for a moment, and added a thoughtful, "You know, the Tolkien fan in me issn’t the only one that’ss upsset by thiss. It’ss a big thing going around sssaying you’ve been sssent to save the world by higher beingss. I think I’m almosst religioussly appalled by thiss…"

The so-called "savior" glared and turned to Sam. "Peasant! Defend me from this wench!"

Oh yeah, she was a savior all right…

Kira wasn’t the most religious person, really, and her views were always changing, but this just seemed to get under her skin somehow, and not just because of how much she loved Middle-Earth. If anyone was a savior in Middle-Earth it was Frodo, she thought. He was willing to sacrifice everything for this world. Or Gandalf, even. He was a benevolent spirit sent into the world by the Valar to stop evil from overcoming it.

And then this little upstart comes along, talking big and—and… And me, a wench! Look who’s talking, bucko! Why, that little—

Cool it, Kira, she thought. Don’t do anything rash. It’s okay to think about hacking her head off, but actually doing it is bad. She's probably like Kate and I on the inside. Probably.

Sam positively bristled at being called "peasant," but his anger faded, and his eyes clouded over. He unsheathed Sting, and walked towards the others, ready to kill.

"Sam!" Gimli cried, aghast, as he reached forward to stop the hobbit, but Sam whipped around and swung Sting through the air. As soon as Sam's shoulders moved, the dwarf jumped backward, tripped on a tree-root, and fell to the ground. It was the only thing that saved him from getting his face split open like an overripe melon; the stroke went high.

"Not the hairball! Her! Kill her! Now, peasant!"

Sam's attention left Gimli and in an automatic, robotic way, he turned and continued towards Kira. Éowyn and Kate made a move towards her, but she held out her hand.

"I…I think I can handle thiss." She had the beginnings of a plan. The beginnings of one weren’t exactly the same as a whole plan, but if someone attacked Sam, he was either going to kill them, or they were accidentally going to kill him. She needed someone to distract Sam and the Mary Sue, which could quite possibly be a job that was fatal. Gimli couldn’t. He was essential where he was for what she was plotting. That left Éowyn, Kate, and herself. And since Éowyn was too important to die, that just left her and Kate. And Kate dying…

Well, that was unacceptable.

Better her then. It was not as if she had a whole lot to lose…

She gave a covert nod to the left in Sam’s general direction. Neither the Mary Sue nor Sam seemed to notice.

Good.

"Kill her!" The Sue cried. She sniffed indignantly. "She's prettier than me, and it's not fair."

Well, that settled it. Apparently, she was going to be a distraction whether she liked it or not. She just hoped Kate and Éowyn wouldn’t try to help her or draw attention to themselves.

Sam rushed forward.

"Kiraaaaa…" Kate started worriedly, her voice rising.

Kira’s breath caught in her throat. If she was wrong, she wasn’t going to have a throat for her breath get caught in.

SweetmutherofGod, PLEASEletthiswork…

"STOP!" Kira commanded, all traces of her Mary Sue-induced speech impediment gone from her voice.

Sam froze.

"What are you doing, you stupid oaf?" The Half-Elf, Half-Valar cried. "Kill her!"

He moved towards Kira again.

"STOP!"

He froze again.

Yesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesohthankgoodness!

"Why isn’t he listening to me?!" Lossenedheliel cried.

Though Kira’s face was sober, she looked somewhat smug. Through the sparkling green of her eyes, there was a glint of something hard and cold. "I have equal power over him. I can influence him just like you can. I wish I didn’t. I wish I couldn’t. I wish I wasn’t like you, but I am. I’m a Mary Sue just like you are, and I can control characters just like you can."

The Mary Sue scowled.

Nowhere near as good as Gimli’s scowl, Kira thought. I’d give it a two.

Kira pointed her sword at the half-Valar. Still staring straight at her, she handed Kate her own sword.

"Cleaned it for you," she said out of the corner of her mouth. She narrowed her eyes at Lossenedheliel. "As for you…get up and get dressed. Now." She didn’t raise her voice at all. It was cold and sharp. Like a knife that was kept overnight in a freezer. It sliced across the psyche.

She’d learned so many useful things from her mom. You didn’t have to be loud, her mom had always said. You just had to mean Business.

"Or what?" Lossenedheliel asked warily.

"Or I’ll kill you."

"You wouldn’t dare."

"I wouldn’t want to kill you…but daring now, daring is a different thing entirely. I’m very good at daring."

The Mary Sue hesitated for a moment, but a pale, green light was blazing in Kira’s cold eyes. The half-Elf, half-Valar stood.

Kira didn’t take her eyes off of her for a second, expecting some sort of attack.

"Why are you looking? Are you some kind of pervert?"

"You don’t seem to have too much of a problem with discretion," Kira said wryly, "so stop complaining. Besides, I’m not an idiot. If I turn away or close my eyes, you could pull out some dagger or something and stab me in the heart before Kate or Éowyn could stop you. Or try to stab them. Or use some stupid power."

"If I used any powers, then you wouldn’t stand a chance anyway."

"I’d at least have time to duck."

The half-Valar got dressed, Frodo watching her the whole time and drooling slightly.

"Be yourself," Kira commanded Sam.

His eyes unclouded. The second he saw the Mary Sue, he screamed in rage, and launched himself towards her.

Then she did something she wasn’t supposed to be able to do.

"A Elbereth Gilthoniel!" she cried. As she did, a red glow started in back her throat and it grew brighter and larger.

"Ninnyhammers!" Sam cursed, skidding to a stop. "Not again!"

If I used any powers, you wouldn’t stand a chance anyway, she’d said.

She’d been warning her.

That arrogant bitch.

Kira ducked.

With a whoooooosh, flames shot out of Lossenedheliel's mouth towards Kira and Sam, and they both dropped to the ground.

"Silivren penna miriel!"

More flames, aimed towards the ground this time. They dove away and it scorched the earth where they had just been. Sting went flying out of Sam’s grip as he rolled. He cursed some more. Kate and Éowyn stared at the Sue with gaping mouths.

"Um, correct me if I’m wrong," Kate said, "but Elves aren’t supposed to be able to do that, are they?"

"She’sss half-Elf, half-Valar, and all Mary Sue, Kate!"

"O menel aglar elenath!"

"EEK!" Kate screamed. She and Éowyn dived out of the way of the fireball.

"She breathes fire whenever she speaks Elvish!" Sam cried.

"We hadn’t noticed!" Kira snapped sarcastically.

"Thanks for telling us sooner!" Kate screamed.

"Gilthoniel, A Elbereth!"

There were more flames, more screaming, more bodies flying through the air. The trees in the grove were getting a good thrashing. There must have been a rain recently or the trees were just naturally wet because the flames wouldn’t take. However, they were smoldering and that was even worse. Acrid smoke was everywhere

Kira looked at the Mary Sue and shook her head no.

Sam, however, took advantage of the smoke. He leapt forwards and tackled her to the ground, a rather amazing feat considering that she was so much bigger, a half-goddess, and a Mary Sue at that. He pinned her arms behind her, wrapped his legs around her waist, and clamped a hand over her mouth. She bit down as hard as she could. Sam screamed in pain, and blood streamed down, but he didn’t let go. If he let go, she’d go into her Elvish flame-thrower routine again.

"You listen to me!" he hissed in her ear, in a voice that made the Mary Sue freeze. "I don’t have to obey you anymore, and you’ve taken advantage of my master, so this is what I’m going to do. I’m going to kill you—"

The Mary Sue gave a muffled squeal.

"SAM!" admonished Éowyn.

"—if you don’t get out of here and never come back. What you’re doing to Mr. Frodo is indecent. It’s wrong. And he don’t have no way of standing up for himself when he’s like this, so I have to do it for him. Leave. Leave and don’t ever come back. My master would say this for himself if was in his right mind, but thanks to you, he isn’t. So leave. You’re not from our world and you don’t belong here. Go back to wherever you came from or I will kill you, and no mistake. I’ll slit your throat, and we’ll see how you’ll shoot fire out of it then." His voice dropped to a sinister whisper. "And don’t think I won’t, because I’ve dealt with others like you and worse things besides. I’d do anything for my master. Understand?"

She nodded slowly.

"I’m going to let you go now, and when I do you’re going to—"

Éowyn was the one that spotted it. Sudden movement, a glint of metal.

"Sam, watch out!"

She was too late.

Amid the smoke, Frodo had snuck up behind Sam and was holding Sting at the back of his neck. He was clutching a blanket loosely around his waist. Rose petals still clung to it and slowly fluttered down as he stood. His eyes were so clouded they shone white.

Everyone froze. Sam closed his eyes, and breathed in and out very slowly.

"Mr. Frodo," he said calmly. "Put the sword down. You don’t know what you’re doing—"

"Shut up, you miserable wretch!" snapped the wretched creature that stood there using Frodo’s voice. "You pathetic, useless piece of trash! You ninnyhammer! You idiot!"

Sam flinched at every insult. Kate started sobbing again. Seeing Frodo, her hero, like this was too much…too much…

"Frodo, you do not know what you are saying—" Éowyn started.

"Yes I do," Frodo interrupted, his voice brimming with malice. "Sam’s been jealous from the start! Because I had her! Yes, you’ve been jealous, haven’t you Sam."

"No," Sam said. "No, you’ve got it all wrong, Mr. Frodo."

"Stop calling me that!"

"I’ve called you that all my life, Mr. Frodo."

"Stop it! You may only call me master! Do you hear?"

"Yes, sir."

The sword dug into Sam’s skin. Blood trickled down.

"NNNNGH! Yes, master."

"Now let my lover go."

Sam begrudgingly let go of Lossenedheliel. She got up, turned around, and glowered at him.

"I’m sorry for his behavior, my love," Frodo said, his head tilted sideways slightly. With his blank eyes, the image looked rather disturbing. "He shall be punished later. A whipping?"

"Yes. That should suffice."

Sam lowered his head, and angry tears poured down his grimy cheeks.

"You’re an evil witch, you know that?" he snapped amid his tears.

Lossenedheliel bent down to his level, looked him straight in the eye…and spit in his face.

"You bitch!" Kira shouted.

She and an outraged Kate and Éowyn looked ready to pounce, but the Sue said, "If they move, kill him, my Frodo-kins."

Sam gave another as cry as Frodo dug Sting further into his neck. They froze again.

Something caught Kira’s eye, and she nodded slightly towards Frodo and the Mary Sue. Once again, they didn’t notice.

"Now, listen to me, Sam," Frodo said sinisterly. "When we get to Mt. Doom, you are going to throw yourself in and if you don’t, I’m going to slit your throat."

"This isn’t you, master," Sam sobbed. "She’s done this to you. They’ve all done this to you…"

"Silence! Why did I ever bring you along? You’re useless! You’re nothing!"

"You don’t mean that, Mr. Frodo."

"I do," Frodo snarled. "I should have let you drown in the Anduin."

Kate screamed in rage. Then several things happened at once.

"NOW!" Kira screamed.

Mary Sues tended not to notice Gimli. They always seemed to forget about him. Which is why, of course, he was the perfect person to sneak up behind them without them noticing.

Gimli leapt out from where he was hiding in the bracken, grabbed the hobbit from behind by the hair, and jerked him backwards. Frodo fell on his back, and Gimli grabbed his sword-hand, trying to wrest the blade from his grip. Kira launched herself into the fray, and a screaming, scratching, thrashing, mad struggle over control of the dagger ensued. At the exact moment Gimli had grabbed Frodo, Éowyn, who had seen Kira and Gimli signaling to each-other the entire time, had grabbed Sam and pulled him forwards, out of the blade’s reach.

This all happened within a second, and during the next second, the Mary Sue shook with suppressed rage.

"Gilth—"

KRAK!

Lossenedheliel fell limply to the ground, Kate standing beside her. Kate was massaging her clenched fist.

"That sounded satisfying," Éowyn said pleasantly.

"It was," Kate snarled, glaring ferociously at the Mary Sue.

Sam shoved away from Éowyn and ran towards the tangled pile of blanket, dwarf, half-gollum, and hobbit.

"Don’t hurt him!" he cried.

Gimli finally wrenched Sting out of the hobbit’s hand, and he and Kira jumped away from the scratching, biting, screaming, little monster.

"Dude’ss ssmall, but he’ss tough," Kira panted. She had the scratches and bitemarks to prove it. As Frodo lay there, his screams slowed and stopped. He clutched the Ring, still on its chain around his neck.

The Ring.

This was the first time Kira had seen it.

It was so…so bright. And shiny. And beautiful. So beautiful, yet so small a thing… The rest of the world seemed to fade away and the gold circle filled all her view. It felt as though she were looking down a dark tunnel at it, and it was getting closer and closer, dancing in front of her face. She heard echoing whispers in the back of her mind.

You could be powerful…

You could be great…

You could have everything you’ve ever wanted…

You could write fantastic stories about other places, and those stories would be true, because you can go to them…You can see them someday…You’ve always wanted to…

You can bring peace to your world and rule it justly, and end all suffering and hatred and disease and famine…

You could heal yourself…You’re going too die and you know it.

Just extend your hand. That’s all you have to do. It’s right in front of you. The solution to all your problems. The solution to everyone’s problems.

Reach out. Reach out and take it.

Something so wonderful can’t be destroyed, Kira thought. It’s too important. Too beautiful.

Too pre—

"Kira?"

"Huh?"

"I just asked if you were hurt," Kate said. She looked worried.

"Oh…oh, I’m fine. Just ssssome sscratchess. One or two minor burnsss. Ss ss. I’ll be okay. I’m fine, my preciousss."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. Ssssure. Jussst a little razzled. That’sss all. Gollum, gollum."

Kate looked at her friend oddly for a moment, and Kira gave her a disarming smile.

"I’m okay. Really," she said, carefully picking words with no S’s in them. "You’re not hurt, are you?"

"Nope."

"Good."

They turned back to Frodo. Sam was kneeling next to him. He covered him better with the blanket.

The Ring was covered so that Kira couldn’t see it. She almost whimpered as it disappeared from view and it was hard to keep herself from pulling the blanket out of the way so she could see it again. Sam caressed Frodo’s right hand and spoke to him in a gentle voice. Gimli was on his other side, patting his left with his thick, callused hands. As Frodo stared up at the sky, a look of confusion started to form on his face. His eyes slowly started to clear, and the fog in them was chased away to show a color that nearly matched the color of open sky above.

He still looked like Elijah Wood, though.

And I wrestled with him while he was naked, Kira thought, wrinkling her face in distaste. Yuck.

"There you are, master," Sam murmured, smiling sadly. "It’s been a long while since I saw you last. I’m sorry I couldn’t help you sooner. She ordered me away. She had too much control over me. And there was a horrible little blighter guarding this place. I couldn’t get through. I should have tried harder, though…"

Frodo met his gaze. "Sam?" he said dreamily.

"Aye. It’s me, Mr. Frodo, and I’m myself. You’re yourself, too. A rare change, I know."

Frodo looked down at himself. He looked up at the open sky, and seemed confused. "Cirith Ungol? No, that’s not right. We’re not in that wretched tower."

"I’m afraid not, Mr. Frodo. The reason you haven’t got any clothes on is her." He jerked his thumb towards the unconscious Lossenedheliel.

Frodo lifted his head, sighed, and lay back. "Another one? No wonder I’m so exhausted. And they wonder why I prefer being a bachelor. Being anything else is far too tiring."

Sam and Gimli chuckled.

"I don’t know how you managed it so many times, Sam. All those children." Frodo whistled a low whistle.

"Mr. Frodo!" Sam said aghast. He blushed. Gimli chuckled again and Frodo joined him.

"How can Frodo be sso okay with…with all of thisss?" Kira whispered to Éowyn in amazement. "I'd be hysssterical if it happened to me."

"It has happened many times before. He has learned to cope as well as he can. There is no doubt that it pains him, but he carries on despite that. He must. The strength and endurance within that Halfling is unbelievable." Éowyn explained, her voice full of respect for the hobbit. Kira looked on Frodo with a new respect herself. She had never really cared that much about him. Gimli, Éowyn, Sam, and Gandalf had always been her favorites, and Frodo just faded into the background with all the other characters she didn't really care much about. But now…

"Gimli, what are you doing here?" Frodo asked. "Where is here, for that matter, and is that Lady Éowyn? Hold on, who are those two women?!" His blue eyes widened in fear. "Don’t tell me there are more of them!"

"Don’t be frightened, Mr. Frodo. Those two aren’t like the others at all. In fact, they’re trying to stop them all from coming, trying to end all this, and let us rest. Gimli and Éowyn are helping them. They even helped to get rid of the thing that was guarding this place, and got rid of the one that was…bothering you." Sam explained.

"She was bothering me all right," Frodo said soberly. "Bothering my brains out." It sounded like too modern a thing for Frodo to say, but it was probably something he had picked up from overexposure to modern culture, just like Sam's eye-rolling.

"That would be buggering, I think," Kira said politely. "Or more accurately, f—"

Kate slapped her hand over Kira's mouth with speed only an Elvish Mary Sue could possibly have. Kira rolled her eyes. If he was going to use the terminology, the least he could do was get it right. Sam blushed slightly, chose to ignore both comments, and continued. "Kate, that’s the blond elf, she took her out. She has a mighty powerful right hook."

Frodo chuckled quietly when he saw Kate’s proud, but sheepish grin.

"She’s after you like all the others," Sam added, and Frodo paled visibly. "But I don’t think she’ll try anything funny," he said reflectively.

Kate’s grin faded, and all that was left was the sheepishness. And ear-blushing embarrassment.

"Mha-mha," Kira laughed through Kate’s hand.

There was a moan. The Mary Sue was stirring slightly.

"We must restrain her," Éowyn said.

"We could use some vines, for the moment." Gimli suggested. "We should gag her, as well. There are some rags in my pack."

He got up to help, and in a minute or so, Lossenedheliel was bound tightly and gagged.

"Think we should try the Monty Python referencess?" Kira asked.

"She'd go for the 'I am your king' skit, that's for sure," Kate muttered, glaring balefully at the 'Sue.

"Mmmph mph MPHF!" Lossenedheliel muttered through her gag, returning Kate's glare.

"Right back at ya'," Kira muttered. "Mmmph mph MPHF you too."

Kate sighed. "What do we do with her now? We can't just leave her here…As attractive as the idea is…"

"Bring her with uss?"

"How? We let her go, she'll use Sue powers on us!" Kate said.

"We could untie her feet, keep her hands tied behind her back, and keep the gag on. Maybe tie a vine around her neck like a leash…" Kira said, scratching her chin thoughtfully.

"Do you really think we can keep her confined long enough to find a safe place to leave her?" Éowyn wondered. "She does not look very cooperative."

"Throw in Mount Doom then?" Kira suggested.

"Yaaay!" Kate cheered, bouncing up and down and clapping her hands like a delighted child. Lossenedheliel 's eyes widened, and she began to MMF! frantically through her gag.

"I wasss kidding, Kate," Kira said with an eyeroll. "Tempting as it is," she added. "No, leaving her would be cruel. Killing her is jussst wrong. I don’t think we’ll be able to unbrainswassh her and even if we can, it’ss too rissky becaussse I doubt sshe’ll sstay unbrainwassshed. We're going to have to drag her along with uss. I mean, we couldn't have dragged thosse two Mary Ssuess in Edorasss with uss if we'd tried, but even though it'll be difficult, I think we can manage her. At leassst until we get sssomewhere ssafer."

"I know, I know," Kate said, waving her hand. "We'll have to at least bring her that far, I guess. We can't leave her to die in Mordor."

"Here, Mr. Frodo, I’ll help you with that," Sam said behind the girls as they debated Lossenedheliel's fate. "Nobody look." He started helping Frodo get dressed.

"Just tell uss when you're decent," Kira said, tying a vine around the Mary Sue's neck, cut from a nearby tree courtesy of Gimli's ax. "No peeking, Kate," she added evilly.

Kate only stuck her tongue out at Kira and blew her a very loud, wet raspberry in response. Privately, she was tempted…

Éowyn cut the Mary Sue’s leg bonds. Lossenedheliel immediately tried to get to her feet and run, but Kira kicked her legs out from under her and she fell back on her stomach.

"Sstay!" she commanded.

Kate directed another glare to the 'Sue. "Don't get any ideas. You're outnumbered."

"I'm dressed," Frodo said wearily. He looked around at the steaming oasis. "What happened here? Was there a fire?"

"You could say that," Gimli answered.

"It was her fault," Kate offered helpfully, pointing at Los-whatever.

"And what happened to your hand, Sam?" Frodo asked. "You're hurt!"

"She bit me! That wench bit me!"

"Do you need some antiseptic?" Kate asked. "I bet Gimli can make some up, and who knows what germs she's got…"

"Sstreptobitchuss?" Kira offered.

The hobbits merely stared.

"Vambiolaria?" Kate suggested.

"Hee hee," Kira chuckled. "Ssuemonella. "

"Hormonitis!"

"E. Crueli."

"Insuenza!" Kate began giggling hysterically.

"Ssuephiliss!"

Éowyn and Gimli were staring now.

"What language was that?" Frodo asked.

"Hee hee hee. Uh…never mind it," Kate said, still giggling hysterically.

"Sso what exactly are we going to do now?" Kira asked.

"Get water," Sam replied. "There's got to be some around here."

"There's a spring right over there," Frodo said, pointing. "I do hope there was some water for you out there, Sam."

The spring was small, just a trickle of water bubbling down past two small stones. It was so small the others hadn't noticed it until now.

"There was plenty, Mr. Frodo," Sam lied. He took all the water-bottles and refilled them.

"Is there any food around here?" Éowyn asked.

"There's always rabbit," Gimli said, and Sam and Kate winced. Kira just twitched a little.

"Please, don't talk about rabbits!" Kate said through gritted teeth. "I'll never be able to look at a bunny the same way again! I'll never be able to watch a Bugs Bunny cartoon again!" She shuddered.

"At least Bugs Bunny's not—" Kira started.

"Pink. Yes, I know," Kate answered. "And I hate cotton candy!" she added.

This exchange generated another collective blink from the canon characters, but by now they had generally decided that it was best not to ask when Kate and Kira weren't making sense (which was a good deal of the time).

Frodo stared at the girls oddly. "Who exactly are you again?"

"I'm Kate," Kate said, again looking distinctly nervous and uncharacteristically shy. "And…stuff." Her face burned red. There she went, making herself look stupid again, in front of the only character she really cared very much whether or not she looked stupid in front of.

"And ssstuff?" Kira rolled her eyes. "Name'sss Kira. Nice to meetcha your Ringbearer-eynesss. We're, uh, Mary Suess, like her." She nodded towards Los-whatever. "I mean, we're from a world called Earth, where the ssstory of your Quessst and the War of the Ring iss a well-known tale. Um, people in our world write ssstories basssed on your adventuresss, and ssomehow, thiss mysstical be--er, object, called the Bridge, iss taking thossse ssstoriess and making them real. As you have sseen--uh, experienced, a lot of people write sstoriess about "perfect" girlsss that join the Fellowship and win over the male of their choice. They're called Mary Ssuess. Which, as I said, sshe iss. And we are. But we don't want to be. We jusst sssort of got sssucked into your world becaussse of the Bridge and our bodiesss changed to become like the charactersss we're sssupossed to be, though for some unexplained reassson our mindsss didn't change and we managed to keep our free-will."

"Yeah. And we're trying to get rid of the rest of the 'Sues," Kate added. "We're trying to help save Middle-Earth."

"Assk Gimli and Éowyn about it. We explained the whole thing to them."

Frodo just stared at them with a confused look on his face and sighed.

"I don't care what or who you are, as long as you don't interfere with what I must do," he said distrustfully, and he started picking his way through the underbrush and towards the volcano.

"He's…not in the best of moods right now, if you follow me," Sam said, as if trying to defend him. Then he followed his master.

"Sheessh. After all that, I don't really blame him," Kira muttered.

"That would just be mean," Kate added, and started following the two. Gimli and Éowyn hauled up the Mary Sue by her armpits, none too gently, and Éowyn started pulling her along by the vine tied around her neck. Gimli marched behind her, his ax held up menacingly. Los scowled at them murderously, but scowls were something the Shieldmaiden and dwarf were subject to often enough. And Gimli's scowl was still better than hers.

"Think we should try unssuing her?" Kira said quietly to Kate, as they followed the two hobbits. "I mean, we sshould probably try, but I'm afraid of letting her loosse, even if we manage it. Sshe could jusst revert back and kill uss."

"Besssidess," she added. "If it turnss out sshe liked what sshe wass doing, I'll be forced to do horrible, horrible thingsss to her."

Kate gave the 'Sue another cold look. "I suppose we should give it a try," she said after a second. "The real girl in there might not be as bad as her." She didn't look as though she believed it, though.

"I dunno. I mean, the otherss we're able to ressisst enough so that they weren't horribly bad. What if the maliciousssnesss in her wasssn't caussed by the story?" She shook her head. "I hate thisss. It'ss hard enough trying to figure out the nature of people back home. Thiss—thiss iss nearly imposssible."

"Good point. She very well could be horrible," Kate agreed. "And considering how evil she is, we might not be any better off with her unsued."

"Or sshe could jusst be like usss…Man, I misss home. I'm normally pretty good at figuring out whether people are nice or nasssty back home. Even if they're hiding it."

Kate sighed. "Great. Yet another lovely choice for us to make."

"I ssupposse all we can do iss keep her tied up then. But what are we going to do with her? Eventually the PPC are gonna catch up with uss again…"

"I guess I don’t want her to die," Kate said. "Well…I don't want the girl inside to die, anyway…I mean, if she’s nice." She shot another glare at the 'Sue.

Up ahead, Frodo started stumbling now. The further he got from the oasis, the more he drifted back into character. His head started to hang; his feet started to drag. His clothes had been like the ones he wore in the movie, but now they had changed into tattered orc-rags. After they walked out of the other side of the oasis, Frodo stopped and raised his eyes to look at the mountain looming above. He sighed.

"We have to climb it again, Sam?" he asked slowly.

"I'm afraid so, Mr. Frodo."

"I'm getting very weary of this, Sam. It was hard enough the first time."

"I know, Mr. Frodo. It'll be over soon. You'll see," Sam said comfortingly.

"I don't know how many more times I can do it," Frodo said pitifully.

"However many times you have to, I'll be by your side, master," Sam said.

"I know, Sam," Frodo said with a grim, sad smile. "It's one of the only things that keeps me going."

(This cutesy-wootsy Sam and Frodo moment is brought to you by Platonic Friendship™. Friendship that's platonorific! And now back to our regularly scheduled reading.)

"Ow! The rock tripped me! Dumb rock! I hate rocks!" a female voice said behind the hobbits, shortly followed by the sound of a foot colliding with the aformentioned rock.

"Ow! My foot! I hatess being barefoot!"

"Dumb rock! Why'd it have to be so hard? I think I broke my toe! I'm gonna hafta hop up the stupid mountain!"

Frodo sighed again. "They're following us, aren't they."

"Aye," Sam said. "That thing they were looking for, they think it’s up in the mountain. I don't rightly understand what they were talking about, but they're friends with Gimli and Éowyn…"

"Friends of Gimli and Éowyn or not, I would rather they just went away."

"Well, they are trying to help us save Middle-Earth, Mr. Frodo," Sam pointed out. "If they say that they have to climb this mountain too, then maybe their doing so will help release you from your burden, if you follow me."

"Precisely how?" Frodo asked scornfully.

"They're trying to stop these…girls from getting to Middle-earth, right? So if they do, you'll be free to rest, and you won't have to come here ever again," Sam said.

"If they are truly are planning to do what they say, and they aren't really deceitful spies of the Enemy instead…"

"If they did turn out to be enemies, you know that Éowyn, Gimli, and I would strike them down in an instant."

"I'd still rather not have to deal with them. The part coming up is too complicated as it is."

"The right way of things will take over soon. We'll get to the base of the mountain and have a rest. Then I'll carry you up half the mountain on my back and we'll have a rest. Then I'll carry you on my back again, and Gollum will attack us. Then, when we get into the Cracks of Doom, you'll claim the Ring again--"

"Even though I do not want to," Frodo sighed.

"--even though you don't want to, and Stinker'll show up again, and bite your finger off again, and fall into the Fire again, and we'll be carried off by the eagles again. The story will set itself to rights now that that girl is out of the picture. It always does. It'll take over any second now. Can't you feel it starting already?"

Frodo sighed and his shoulders drooped even lower. "Yes, Sam, I can."

Sam looked at his swiftly tiring master and his heart brimmed with pity. "Stories," he muttered miserably. "It’s all because of stories. If what those girls said was true, they play with our lives as a form of entertainment."

"I know, Sam…"

"They’ve done all those horrible things to Legolas and you, and me, and Mr. Merry, and Mr. Pippin—the poor souls, all that…you know, and them being cousins and all—and Aragorn and Gandalf and Boromir and…"

"I know, Sam…and mind you, I’ve joined in many times with my cousins…" Frodo shuddered.

"And so have I, and even though the three of you aren’t any relations of mine—not speaking of Mr. Pippin, his son marrying my Goldilocks and all, though that happened after the war which is the future, I reckon, so it hardly counts—even though you aren’t relations of mine, it doesn’t make it any less horrible."

"I know, Sam…" he sighed.

"And how they have me talk!" Sam continued. "Mind you, I admit I talked simple back in the day, but after you gave me Bag End, I became mayor and became booklearned, and I sounded different. But they still have me talk this way. I’d like to call you by your first name, if you follow me—no disrespect meant, of course—"

"None taken, Sam. I told you’d I’d prefer it."

"Right. I’d like to call you by your first name, but I can’t! Not even if I try! It’ll always be ‘Mr. Frodo’ and ‘master,’ not that I don’t hold you in the highest respect, Mr. Frodo, if you take my meaning—"

In the corners Frodo’s mouth a slight smile appeared. "I know, Sam…"

"Not only that, but it’s always, ‘I reckon,’ and ‘if you take my meaning,’ and ‘if you follow me.’ Mind you—oh, and ‘mind you;’ that’s another one—mind you, I did talk like that in the past and even a bit as I reached my later years, but not as often then. I sounded much more intelligent as I got on in the years, Mr. Frodo. You heard me when I got to Valinor. I sounded like a regular gentlehobbit, I did—though, not nearly as well-spoken as yourself."

"You sounded very intelligent, Sam. When I met you again in Valinor, you sounded exactly as intelligent as you are."

Sam grinned slightly. "And that was pretty intelligent, wasn’t it, Mr. Frodo."

"It was."

Sam sighed. "Now they have me sounding like a right fool again." He grimaced. "Rustic-like. What’s more, they make me act like a fool! Like I’m some witless servant!"

"Well, you are my servant, Sam."

"Not for my whole life, I wasn't, Mr. Frodo. But even ignoring that fact, I'm not witless."

Suddenly he was cut off, as the voice of an Author sounded in the heads of the entire motley crew -

--They looked up upon Mt. Dom, towering above them.--

Four sets of eyes rose to look at the volcano.

"Oh . . . My . . . Good Lord! That mountain looks like Dominic Monoghan!" Kate gasped as she and Kira came up behind the hobbits, with Gimli and Éowyn (and the Sue) close behind them.

"It'ss kinda…cute," Kira said as she stared at the image of Dominic Monoghan carved into the side of the mountain. "It'ss got a rather large cleft, though," she added.

Kate tilted her head to the side. "I think this qualifies as really, really, really weird."

"Really?" Kira asked. "Hey, it even hasss granite stubble! Heh, get it?"

Kate only rolled her eyes. "I wonder if Sauron knows his mountain looks like a really sexy actor?"

Kira shrugged. Then a thought occurred to her. "Kate, we're lusssting over a volcano. You realize thiss, right?"

"Yeah, but it's Dominic Monoghan's face!" Kate argued. "He doesn't have Elijah Wood's eyes, but he's blatant eye candy. And that is one freakishly good rendition of his face carved into that there mountain. Yum."

"That volcano iss hot," Kira punned.

"It's smokin'," Kate added.

"Ssizzlin.'"

"He's on fire."

"He'sss burning me up."

"He's lighting my fire."

There was a pause.

"Okay, we have to sstop thiss. It'ss getting out of control."

"Yeah."

Another pause.

"Didn't we do this already?"

"When?"

"Earlier."

"Right."

Another pause.

"Er…anyway, shouldn't we be going?"

"Yesss indeedy."

Éowyn, Gimli, and the hobbits stared.

"Who is Dominic Monoghan?" Éowyn asked.

"Him," Kate said, pointing at the mountain.

Sam, Frodo, Gimli and Éowyn looked from the mountain, to the girls, and then to each other, and came to the mutual decision that it was best not to ask.

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