Disclaimer: All Lord of the Rings places, characters, etc. belong to Tolkien, and the various people who have acquired possession of them since his demise. Jay and Acacia belong to Jay and Acacia. The various recruits and Mary Sues belong to themselves, although we can do whatever we want to them since their owners are letting us borrow them (being the evil authors and all that.)

Agent Sue, in particular, belongs to GreyLadyBast and is a character that was made long before this story, in her story "Taken Far Too Literally." Since some of you have mentioned that you like Agent Sue, read about her here:

http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=602168

Hell, read all of Bast’s other stories, too (and give her some reviews! Please! The poor dear’s review-deprived!) All her stuff is GREAT. I recommend "A Soldier’s Lot," especially.

The song "Galwyn was a Shieldmaiden" belongs to the Jen Littlebottom, and is being used with her permission. It can be found in its entirety here:

http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=1362096

Read her stuff too, as the funny stuff’s hilarious and the serious stuff’s captivating.

Kate and Kira still belong to us, though if they ever found out they’d be rather displeased…

***

Suedom

by Andy and Saphie

Chapter 15: Girl-talk with a Shieldmaiden

***

Of the group, Kate was the only one who seemed to have relatively little trouble as they continued towards the mountain. Gimli and Éowyn, who would have easily overtaken the remaining four members of the group if unburdened, were held back by Lossenedheliel. Though she did not make an outright attempt to escape, the Mary Sue was doing nearly all possible to hinder her journey up the mountain without causing herself any injury. Each rock small enough was kicked the way of the Shieldmaiden and Dwarf, and all of the larger rocks she caught her feet upon, slowing their process as much as was humanly (or half-Valar, half-Elvishly) possible. And all the while, she glared furiously at the back of her captor's heads, chewing fitfully at her gag.

As for Kira, her shoulder pained her more and more with every step she came closer to the mountain. The fumes from the volcano were making her feel lightheaded and queasy, and her shoulder was aching terribly. Her forehead broke out in sweat soon after she began ascending the mountain, which, nice view or not, was no doubt going to be just as difficult to climb as if it had not had Dominic Monoghan's face carved into it. Although, she thought, at least the granite stubble was going to make for plenty of handholds. She was going to have to forego using her wounded arm at all, doing her best to keep anyone from noticing that she was primarily using her right hand to help herself climb.

She shouldn't have used her bow, she thought miserably. She was positive she popped something in her shoulder from shooting that stupid rabbit.

However, out of all of them, Frodo and Sam were easily the worst off. The water from the oasis had rejuvenated him briefly, but Sam's body was rapidly returning to its canonical state for this part of the journey, as was Frodo's. Profound weariness settled upon the hobbits like a thick, smothering blanket as they returned to their filthy, worn-out, dehydrated states. They were so parched that even swallowing was beyond them. But it was Frodo who weakened fastest as the Ring took its toll upon him once again. The effects of traveling for days through the land of darkness caught up to them with amazing speed as they neared the foot of the mountain, and Frodo collapsed just at the base of the mountain.

"I used to go rock climbing sometimes," Kate was saying to Kira as they tilted their heads back to stare at the mountain. "But I definitely never climbed anything like this…"

"At least we haven't ssspent monthsss traveling through Mordor firsst. How do you think Sssam did it, after all that, and carrying Frodo too?" Kira wondered. She turned her head to glance at the hobbits and spotted them, lying on the ground. "Ssspeaking of Frodo…"

Kate looked behind her and gave a short yelp. "Are they alright?" she said, dashing back to the fallen Halflings, who were both asleep.

"Relax," Kira said, following her. "This is canonical. I think I remember it. They'll wake up, and Frodo will crawl towards Mount Doom. Then Ssam will carry him, like we were saying, preciousss. Jussst like in the booksss."

Kate murmured her agreement and sat down next to the hobbits, glaring about at the barren land with an expression that clearly said that anyone who possibly dared to attempt to disturb the Ringbearer and his servant would have to disturb her first, and went on to add that anyone who attempted to disturb her would have something rather unpleasant done to their inner organs. Kira smiled at the determined expression on her friend's face, and would have probably joined her if her shoulder were not bothering her so much. She was so tired…certainly not as tired as the poor hobbits, but still. She chose the least jagged piece of ground she could find and laid down out of Kate's sight, pretending to be looking through the un-canonical gap in the clouds that still hovered over the oasis at the slowly darkening sky.

Gimli and Éowyn were by now nearly dragging Lossenedheliel towards the volcano. Real fear was starting to show in the 'Sue's eyes as she saw the Mountain of Doom. Orodruin had a way of invoking fear, even if it did have Dominic Monoghan's face carved into it. The expression on Lossenedheliel's face was slowly beginning to change from "what-the-hell-do-these-people-think-they're-doing-don't-they-know-who-I-am?" to "oh-my-god-what-have-I-gotten-myself-into?" and was about to embark on it's way to "I-am-really-really-screwed."

Gimli and Éowyn dragged the Mary Sue up to the others and sat down to rest. The minutes crept on like snails, and still the hobbits slept on. Kate kept watch, Kira drifted in and out of a disturbed doze, and Gimli and Éowyn made it quite well known to Lossenedheliel that any potential shit on her part was likely to allow her head to find out what it was like to not be attached to a body. Meanwhile the sky darkened, though it should have been lighting up as the sun rose behind the clouds.

Kate was resting her chin on her hand, staring at Frodo's face in the waning light. He no longer remotely resembled Elijah Wood. He looked so much older, even compared to how Kate had last seen him, in the relative safety of Tom Bombadil's house. His face was finely lined with the cares of his journey, and his expression was drawn into one of terrible despair. It wasn't even canonical that he should look this sad, she thought. She recalled that Frodo had looked relieved in sleep, bookwise, escaping for that brief time the pain of his trials. This was a Frodo who was beyond even that sort of relief, after being dragged time and time again to the Land of Shadow and at times even kept from sailing to Valinor afterwards.

His expression made Kate want to cry.

True, Elijah Wood's looks probably had a bit to do with her adoration of Frodo. She'd only read the Fellowship of the Ring before she'd gone to see the movie—there hadn't been time to get through the Two Towers and the Return of the King first as well before it was out of theaters, and she'd seen pictures from the movie before that. But after just reading the first book, she'd been so impressed at the way Frodo had cast aside the mantle of an everyday hobbit from the Shire, even before she knew much of his trials in Mordor. She'd been amazed at how Frodo had stood up to Barrow-wights and Nazgûl with his courage and inner strength, despite being no more than a little guy with an Elvish knife. He was so brave, and so determined. Frodo had won her respect and admiration from the get-go. Elijah Wood had made him hot to go with it.

Now, as she watched him sleeping in the Land of Shadow, beneath a terribly mixed-up Mountain of Dom, looking nothing like Elijah and so, so tired, tears trickled down her cheeks. She may not have been anything more than a decidedly silly little girl who rarely took the time to act her age and lived too much of her life through books, but as long as she was able to draw breath in this adventure, she was going to do everything in her power to end his suffering. Whatever pain she could possibly experience here was minute compared to all that Frodo had been through. Perhaps she wasn't as brave as him, and perhaps not quite as determined either, but he had nearly given up everything to save Middle-earth…and for not only his sake, but all of Middle-earth's, she had to keep trying.

There was nothing less she could do.

***

"Acy, have I lost it, or is there a face on that mountain?"

Acacia squinted into the distance. Even from very far away, large volcanoes were difficult to miss, especially when they had faces carved into them.

"Yes," she said after a moment. "You lost it long ago. And there is a face on that mountain."

"MOUNT DOOM LOOKS LIKE DOMMIE MONNIE!" Hika squealed ecstatically.

"Wow. A real live volcano," Ala said, admiringly. "All full of lava. Lava's hot. Like fire."

"I like fire," San stated cheerfully. "It burns things."

"Hey, me too! I set my cat on fire once! He didn't like it very much."

"That's nothing! I set the SO on fire once!"

As the recruits regaled each other with stories of various things they'd burned throughout their lives, Jay attempted a quick head count. She gave up after realizing she'd counted Marti twice and that she hadn't even known the exact number of recruits they'd picked up to begin with. However, their affect on the more experienced assassins, if not their number, was obvious. Acacia was looking surlier than usual as her nerves gave way under the steady grate of the recruits whining/noisemaking/general incompetence. Jay was twitching more than usual.

Add to that the fact that Agent Sue had somehow gotten a hold of some liquor…

"I gotsh an idea," she slurred, weaving towards the group of recruits where C-chan was explaining to Sprite that you could indeed set pixie stix on fire. "Hey yoush! Recruitsh! Alla you who ishn't here raish yer handsh."

The general babble drifted off as the recruits stared at Agent Sue, who seemed to be having a hard time standing up. Eva started to put her hand up, but Kuro Shin edged in and pulled it back down.

"Shee? Eashy." Agent Sue grinned and weaved off in the general direction of Mount Doom. She squinted blearily at where she thought Cirith Ungol should be and giggled drunkenly. Cirith Ungol was neat. Shelob lived there. Shelob was a spider. Spiders were neat. So Cirith Ungol was neat. She had to visit it, after they killed more Mary Sues. She'd always wanted to see Shelob's lair. It'd be even better to see Shelob herself. She had to visit the home of the Spawn of Ungoliant at least once before she left Mordor.

(Keep in mind that just about anything, including waltzing into the home of a giant spider who likes her food warm, kicking, and bipedal, looks good through a drunken dwarf-ale induced haze.)

Acacia snarled and rubbed her temples. This was going to be a looong walk.

Even if they were going to reach the mountain, and the 'Sues, very, very soon.

***

"Now for it! Now for the last gasp."

"Last, Sam?" Frodo croaked as Sam pulled him to his feet. "You say it every time. And every time, we go again…" He took a faltering step and stumbled. A hand that wasn't Sam's reached out and grabbed his own, righting him, and Frodo pulled away as soon as he was steady on his feet. Kate pulled back her hand, looking slightly hurt at his quick withdrawal. She hadn't admitted it, even to herself, but she'd imagined that once she met Frodo in Mordor they'd become friends, or at least he'd tolerate her. Instead, he was afraid of her.

How ironic, Kate thought bitterly. The first person who's ever really been afraid of me is the one I've been worshipping since I was fourteen.

The hobbits stumbled on a little farther. Gimli and Éowyn pulled Lossenedheliel into a standing position, and Kira jerked awake, trying to pretend she'd never been asleep in the first place. She jogged after Kate.

Rest and water had done the hobbits well, but their bodies were still rapidly returning to the canonical state of being dehydrated and exhausted beyond belief. It became harder for them to draw breath as their throats dried out, until even swallowing was impossible. Frodo stumbled more often, and Sam had a harder time keeping him up than usual. Finally, Frodo fell completely to the ground and began to crawl pitifully towards the mountain. Sam, his gritty eyes tearless, bent down to help his master to his back as he had done once before, that first time so long ago.

But with the days and days of trekking through Mordor catching up to him, and combining with all the extra orc-killing, errand-running, and bunny-fighting he'd been doing because of Lossenedheliel, Sam could barely lift his own two feet for exhaustion, much less his master as well. He staggered towards the mountain with Frodo on his back for a few steps before his legs gave way, and he collapsed into the dirt.

"Now it comes to it, Mr. Frodo! I can't even lift you any more. I'm so tired out from all those dealings with her, and I'm sure you're a lot worse off. But I can't do it, Master, I can't carry you up the mountain this time. It's finally happened. I've failed you, Mr. Frodo, I've failed you." Sam's voice was thick with sorrow, and if he weren't so dehydrated his tears would have been pouring down his grubby face.

"No, no Sam," Frodo insisted, but his own voice sounded terribly sad. "You have never failed me, not once, not ever. You have been my dearest friend and companion all these years, and I can't ask any more of you than that. You have never failed me."

Sam's face crinkled up, and he took his master's hand. "I'm afraid I have this time. We'll not make it up the mountain, and…"

But before he could finish, there was the sound of footsteps behind him, and someone bent over to pull Frodo up and hook his arm over their shoulder. The person stood up as the Ringbearer slipped into place on a rather slight back, and found himself facing the back of a head covered with long, un-naturally bright golden hair.

Gosh, thought Kate, as she started towards the mountain. He IS light, by now. I might as well be carrying one of my nieces.

"What are you doing?" Sam croaked as the lass called Kate began striding towards Mount Doom with his Master on her back. She couldn't do that! It was his job to carry Mr. Frodo up the mountain, as he'd done time and time again, and would continue to do time and time more, if he had to. He tried to pull himself up to go after her, but his limbs trembled and he sank to the ground once again.

"Sshe'ss jusst trying to help," said Kira's rather hissy voice, from next to him.

"You don't understand, I've got to! I've got to carry Mr. Frodo. I promised him and myself that I'd bear him and his burden with him if I had to, and I will! I've done it time and time again, and I can't stop now!" Sam once again attempted to rise to his feet, but sank back down to the ground with a groan.

"I know, and you ssshould be carrying him…" Kira admitted. "But…well, the reassson you can't isss from the ssssame placce as uss, sso we might as well do what we can to help fix it. If it weren't for…our kind getting pulled here, thingsss would be running sssmoothly. But we are, and they aren't, ssso as long as Kate and I have kept our mindsss, we can at leassst help keep thingsss going as well as they can. Even if it'sss not exact."

She was right, Sam supposed. And if the lasses were willing to take that kind of responsibility, well…that was rather nice of them. But every fiber of his being was screaming at him to get up and carry his Master up the mountain. And yet he could barely stand on his own two feet. It was wrong. It was completely wrong…

But it was the way things had to be, this time around.

"Let me help," Kira said, thankful she'd found words with no S's in them, and bent over to offer her hand to Sam. He took it, but Kira remembered all too late that it was her bad arm she was offering. She let out a hiss of pain and Sam released her, surprised, staring at her with an expression she didn't like very much—suspicion.

"Sssorry," she apologized. "I guesss I can't be of very much help…"

"Here. I will take him," Éowyn said as she and Gimli dragged Lossenedheliel forward. She handed Lossenedheliel's ropes to Kira, and bent over to pick up Sam. Kira realized that even if she hadn't had a busted arm, she would never have been able to carry a full-grown male hobbit up a mountain. Frodo was slightly corporeal, and lighter than a hobbit-child by now, but Sam…Sam was still very much solid. It was a good thing Éowyn was a strong woman.

She was still bitter about it, though. She really wanted to do her best to make things right.

"I may not be able to help him," Kira muttered to Lossenedheliel, remembering how badly the 'Sue had treated Sam, "but I can sssure as hell drag YOU along, misssy. Move it." She gave Lossenedheliel's ropes a tug, and the 'Sue glared daggers at her.

"Pitiful. You don't scowl nearly as well as Gimli," Kira informed her. Gimli chuckled.

"I'll take that as a compliment," he said. Kira grinned.

Up ahead, Kate unconsciously started to sing. Back at home, she'd always sung to herself when she walked. She pretty much sang whenever she had a quiet moment. It was a terribly old habit, and hard to break, even when there could be dire consequences because of it. But part of her was convinced that she hadn't submitted to Suedom because of her singing last time. Singing couldn't be a bad thing. It just couldn't. It was because Kira had upset her that she'd submitted. Part of her kept insisting it was true.

The other part just scolded the first part for being in denial.

But still, she sang quietly to herself an old folk song. It was a gospel song, really, and Kate wasn't Christian, but it didn't really matter to her. It was a pretty song, and no one could hear her. Kira, Gimli, Sam, and Éowyn weren't close enough to hear her as long as she was quiet, and Frodo was probably asleep. It felt appropriate, somehow, to sing and keep her spirit up in the place where her spirit most needed the up keeping. And no one would hear.

She was wrong, of course. Frodo heard her, and privately thought she sounded nice. She hadn't the perfect voices that all the Mary Sues he'd met had, but Kate's voice had a richness to it that suggested she took songs seriously.

But he knew better than to comment, by now.

***

Midway up the volcano, where the noxious fumes were less severe, the group stopped for a rest. Kate and Éowyn deposited the now sleeping hobbits on the ground and sat down for a rest themselves.

"What now?" Kira wondered, sitting next to Kate.

"You tell me, lass. I've been told what happened on this accursed mountain, but I daresay you two know the tale in more detail than I," Gimli said. He'd heard Sam and Frodo's account of the destroying of the Ring, and he knew the basic outline of the story. However, he was right—Kate and Kira knew what happened much better than he. They had seen it all from the outside.

"Well, Ssam and Frodo will ressst here…" Kira said.

"Then they'll continue up the mountain, and to the Cracks of Doom," Kate continued. "The Ring'll have a really strong hold on Frodo by then. He'll…he'll put it on, and Gollum…"

"I'm sure they know that part," Kira said, sharply. She still remembered the Lady Galadriel's words to her about how Gollum was after her. It was a terribly disturbing idea, one she didn't understand at all, and she certainly didn't want to be there when Gollum was if it was indeed true. "I don't think we should be up there with them when it happens. We'd get in the way, and mess something up."

Kate nodded in agreement. "It's the most crucial part in the books we read back home. Well, there were a lot of really crucial parts, but that's the crucial…est. If we somehow mess it up, Middle-Earth will be in very, very deep."

"You're right. If the two of you are going to check for this 'Bridge', you should go before the hobbits awaken," Éowyn suggested. "I will accompany you."

"As will I," Gimli said. "Though perhaps it isn't safe to leave the hobbits alone…" he wondered.

"They were fine by themselves in the book," Kate put in. "But maybe you guys should stay…you know, just in case some orc gets funny ideas…"

"Or another Mary Ssue sshowss up…"

"But the two of you need to be protected as well," Éowyn said. "One of us should guard the hobbits, while the other goes with the girls," she said to Gimli.

"Very well," The Dwarf agreed. "I will wait here."

"We'll take Los here with us," Kate said cheerfully. "I haven't had a chance to make her bump into things yet."

"It'ss not a whole lot of fun," Kira advised her. "She getss sstuck on everything."

"It's my turn, anyway," Kate said, so Kira handed her the ropes, and the four ladies continued up the mountain.

Kira walked ahead, and Kate watched her curiously. She'd noticed that Kira was barely using her bad arm anymore, and that she tended to favor her right arm when they had been forced to use their hands to help climb. Also, Kira had cut her off surprisingly quick when she'd mentioned Gollum. That in itself was strange, as Kate was usually much more averse to discussing the corrupted stoor than Kira, who didn't seem to be bothered by him at all. Actually, Kate was kind of scared of Gollum. The chapter in The Hobbit where Bilbo had been forced to riddle for his life with a dark shadow that hissed when it spoke had terrified her, and she'd never felt willing to trust the slimy creature in The Two Towers (and certainly not in The Return of the King). If she could get through this adventure without seeing Gollum, who had appeared in a few of her nightmares when she was younger, that would be perfectly fine with her.

She was worried about Kira.

Lossenedheliel didn't leave her much time to think, though. Kira had been right. It wasn't easy pulling the 'Sue.

"Cut that out, you prat!" she hissed as Lossenedheliel kicked a pebble at her back. "One more of those and I'll…I'll…I'll figure out something unpleasant to do to you!"

Kate was only rarely efficient at threatening people. This was not one of those times. Lossenedheliel rolled her eyes and muttered something through her gag that promised to translate into something quite rude without it.

"I would keep my mouth shut, were I in your place," Éowyn advised her. Unlike Kate, a simple steely gaze from Éowyn was enough to at least shut Lossenedheliel up. The ‘Sue trailed on quietly for about five more minutes before starting to kick things again.

"Éowyn? What are you looking at?" Kate asked during a pause in their trek in which she had thrown a kicked pebble back at Lossenedheliel and decked her squarely in the forehead. Éowyn, who had been staring to the west, jerked out of her daydream to the sound of Lossenedheliel’s muffled cursing.

"Oh, nothing," Éowyn murmured. "I was just thinking about…" she trailed off, but by the small smile on her face it was easy to tell whom she’d been thinking about.

"Faramir, huh?" Kira asked without bothering to hide a wry smile as they continued walking.

"Yes." Éowyn blushed slightly. "He’d be in the Houses of Healing now…as would I." Her face darkened momentarily. "I hope one of those wenches isn’t attempting to take my place right now. If any one of them tries to steal my beloved away from me, I’m not sure I could restrain myself."

Kate sighed. "Faramir is such a great character!" She was smiling, too. "He’s so smart, and kind, and so nice…You’re so lucky, Éowyn. Faramir is the man every little girl wants to fall in love with."

Éowyn’s smile returned, broader than ever. "I know. He was always so kind to me. I could never believe that a man so compassionate and intelligent as him would want to call me his own. I'm grateful for him every day of my life…and death." Her smile turned bittersweet, and she glanced toward the west again. "I want nothing more than to rest in peace with him again."

Kate sighed. "Wow. That’s so romantic."

"You really are lucky, Éowyn," Kira added. "I alwayss have weirdoss after me. We don’t get men like Faramir where we come from." She considered this for a second. "Well, we do…jussst not very often. I mean, there are nice guysss back home and all, but mossst of them only sssseem to want one thing from a girl." She grimaced.

"I know what you mean," Kate added. "I can never seem to find a guy who can keep his mind out of the gutter long enough for me to actually want to spend time with him."

"Give them time. They grow up," Éowyn assured them. "Even our young men can only seem to think of one thing when they think of women, but time does them well."

"You think so?"

"Of course. I had the same problems with men when I was your age."

Wow, this is so weird, Kate thought. I never ever thought I'd be having girl-talk with Éowyn. Éowyn! As in the Rohirric Shieldmaiden who defeated Nazgûl Number 1, Éowyn! She is such a cool character.

Then, as she looked at the laughing face of the strong, determined woman who was more alive than she’d ever been on the pages of a book, Kate thought, No, not a cool character . . . she’s a cool person.

***

"We're almost there now. Just a little farther…"

"I hopesss the Bridge is there. I ssseriousssly need sssome down time."

"'Down time'?"

"Éowyn! Lossenedheliel kicked a rock at me again! Can I throw her in Mount Doom?"

"MMPH! MMPH!"

Such a conversation had never been heard before atop Orodruin, the mountain of Doom.

"Aargh!" Kira exclaimed suddenly, clutching her arm. She'd leaned against a rock to catch her breath and--being a complete klutz--had once again hurt her wounded shoulder. Kate looked at her concernedly.

"Are you okay?" she asked.

"Just hit my shoulder," Kira said through gritted teeth. "I'll be fine. Man I'm a spaz."

"Maybe you ought to have Gimli put some more of that herb stuff on it when we get back."

"Maybe. Cummon, are we going to check for the Bridge or not? I don't exactly want to sstand around here all day," Kira replied, rather sharply if truth be told. She started striding towards the Crack of Doom determinedly. Kate pulled Lossenedheliel after her. She wasn't sure what was causing Kira to get so irritated whenever she mentioned her shoulder. It wasn't as if Kate fussed (did she?) or anything. She was just concerned—and rightly so, in her opinion, with a wound like that. Why couldn't Kira just accept the fact that she wasn't immortal? That wound was definitely going to cause her problems, Kate thought, for certain.

The four women walked the last few steps that would carry themselves to the Cracks of Doom, and halted before it. A blast of hot air carried through and fanned their faces, carrying with it the stench of sulfur. Now that they were here, they could even hear the sound of the magma within the volcano, roiling and bubbling below their feet.

"We…have to go in?" Kate said hesitantly. She meant it as a statement, but her trembling voice made it sound more like a question.

"Yesss. The Bridge could be anywhere. Including…in there…" Kira said, reflecting that now they were here walking into an active volcano to see if there was a Bridge in it didn’t sound like very much fun. Still, if they were going to check everywhere, they had to, well, check everywhere.

Including Mount Doom.

Steeling themselves, the three started on their way into the mountain, Kate and Éowyn still dragging a now more reluctant than ever Lossenedheliel. Kate grabbed Kira's hand tightly with her free one as they crossed the threshold into the mountain, and Kira, with some surprise, squeezed back. Kate was muttering something under her breath, and Kira thought she was singing. She blinked, wondering what had caused Kate to sing here, of all places, but by now she knew that Kate didn't always do what you expected her to. She kept her mouth shut about Kate’s singing this time.

As a matter of fact, Kate was singing the same song she'd sung while she was carrying Frodo up the mountain. She'd sung the song on different occasions, but mostly had saved it for when she was afraid, or when she needed to keep her spirits up. Now she was singing to stave off her dread of what could be—or could not be—inside Mount Doom. She needed the comfort of that particular song. That was the way it was with Kate and music. Singing was to her what chocolate was to a woman with PMS.

Well, perhaps not quite to that degree.

The foursome was blasted by another wave of hot, reeking wind from inside the mountain as they walked down the way to the Cracks of Doom. Kate and Kira glanced over the side of the edge and clenched each-other's hands a little tighter. Lossenedheliel stared around in shock and horror at this impossible situation that had befallen her…and were they really going to throw her into the lava? Even Éowyn looked quite pale and stayed away from the edges.

It was hotter inside the mountain than even the wind had suggested it would be. It was like walking into Hell's Kitchen—and it wasn't a place in New York. The roar of the viscous magma would have drowned out the sound of their voices, had they been talking, and the stench was terribly strong. It infiltrated their hair, their clothes, and their skin. Oh, they were going to smell awful all night. The craggy insides of the mountain rose above them to the hole in the cone, which looked rather small from the inside, and through which the black clouds that were usually a constant presence this far east were re-building themselves after uncanonically disappearing with the appearance of Lossenedheliel's oasis. The rough sides sloped down all around the women, widening as it went, down to where the boiling magma burned red-hot and roared in it's bed like a living thing, eager to rise up and consume the dainties perched above it's reach.

Apart from that, there was nothing.

***

"It's widening! The goddam distance is widening! Why'd it choose now to become canonical?" Acacia ranted as the band of Assassins walked and walked but got no closer to the mountain.

In front of them, Cirith Ungol had just reappeared and it looked like they'd have to go through it to get to the 'Sues. It wasn't the tower, really, that scared the two more seasoned assassins. It was the fact that they were going past said tower with a crowd of inept, noisy, whiny recruits who were probably going to do just about everything possible to get themselves noticed by orcs and other nasty things. Not to mention that one of the only two other competent assassins was completely drunk and singing Rohirric drinking songs at the top of her lungs. And, oh yeah, said tower was near the lair of a giant, vicious spider who may or may not still have been affected by her knife-wound (who could tell, with the canon this screwed up?) and would be delighted to devour the entire group. And they had to get through it without remote activators.

Just peachy.

"Sing 'Galwyn was a Shieldmaiden' again!" Sprite demanded.

"'Kay. Galwyn wash a shieldmaiden, a shieldmaiden was shee…" Agent Sue slurred loudly. Agent Sue was now being supported by a rookie on either side and was providing entertainment in the form of drinking songs. Bawdy drinking songs. Which were probably going to be stuck in Jay and Acacia's heads until the end of this mission.

"Relax, Acy," Jay said, although she was now twitching so madly she almost appeared to be having a seizure. "It's widening very slowly. Cirith Ungol is probably affected too, and we know Sam and Frodo have gotten through. Shelob shouldn't be there."

"With all that's been messed up lately, I wouldn't count on it," Acacia grumbled. "And with Miss Happy Hour over there not shutting up, who knows what we're gonna attract? I'm not looking forward to going through that pass."

"Neither am I. But Mount Doom's still not far away from it, see?" Jay pointed at the clearly shortened distance between the Tower and the Mountain. "With luck, we'll get through the tower quickly, and the 'Sues are just outside it."

Acacia gave Jay her most disturbing grin. "Well, at least I have something to look forward to."