Disclaimer: This is getting really old now…We own Kate and Kira, nothing else.

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A special shiny reviewer award goes to Andreah for catching the "Leaf by Niggle" reference in the last chapter. You're the only who caught it…er, or at least mentioned you caught it. Good eye!

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Public Service Announcement: The beginning of this chapter is guaranteed to be squicksome. Please do ingest any food or drink before/while reading, for your keyboard's sake. You may just spit it out in disgust.

You have been warned…

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Suedom

by Andy and Saphie

Chapter 17:

December 18

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He had been following them for a long time, although they didn't know it. Logically, he shouldn't have felt any need to do so at all. There were only a few things he had wanted from the world anymore, and none of them had it.

Except for one.

She wasn't radiant. Radiance he found painful. It put him in mind of the terrible lights that hung in the sky during the day and night. He wouldn't have cared for her if she had been radiant. She had a different sort of beauty, one that reminded him of the deep, dark places beneath mist-shrouded mountains. Her hair was like moonless, starless sky at midnight, as smooth and shiny as fish scales. Her eyes glittered attractively in the dark, bright green and beautiful. And her lovely skin was as pale as the underbelly of a fish. He wondered if she was as sweet as one. He caught her scent every now and then, too. It was like cool, fresh spring water. And she had the most beautiful hands…perfect for catching fish.

Perfect--that was the word to describe her. She was the most wonderful maiden he'd even seen, much nicer to look at than the one with the hair brighter than the yellow-face who was always hanging around Her, or the tall, fearsome Lady with the stern, gray eyes. He feared the lady with the gray eyes, and the stocky dwarf who tended Her wounds. They were not trustworthy, and neither was the one with hair like the yellow-face and the terrible eyes that hurt to look at. He could strangle them in the dark, that was certain, but there was always the possibility that it might displease Her, and nothing should displease Her…

She was beautiful. She was perfect in every way.

She was precious.

He found Her when the terrible woman who spoke fire chased him away from the Master and the nasty, suspicious hobbit. She didn't know it, of course, for he was always careful to stay out of view, lest She be startled and leave. If She left, he did not know if he could bear it. All his life, only one thing had mattered to him in the world. He had been willing to risk his life, risk everything to obtain it, something that had caused him to be cast into the very heart of Mount Doom. He had been torn before over how to stay close to it, but never had this occurred. For the first time in his long and tormented life, he was torn over whether to stay in the land of Darkness or follow Her out of it, and he had no idea what to do. He'd never had two preciouses before.

When they met the hobbits and conquered the terrible lady who spoke fire, he was watching. When they climbed up the mountain, he was following. Every moment he was there, out of sight and avoiding detection as well as he could. He had had a lot of practice.

Then came the evening when She tried to take the Precious. He found himself hoping that she would succeed in stealing the Precious from the Master, because then both Preciouses would be together, and he could claim them both at once…then they would both be his.

But the orcs and the wraiths came, followed by the great Spider, and he was forced to hide. Shelob was in a terrible wrath and he trembled with fear that she would punish him for not bringing her the tasty morsels he'd promised Her. But the screams of the Precious had been enough to bring him out of hiding, and he had watched in horror as She had run towards the Spider instead of away. He had been terrified that she would be eaten, but then she had grabbed the awful, yellow-haired one, and disappeared.

The orcs and the wraiths who had attacked the precious ran out suddenly and began shooting at the spider, who clacked her mandibles in irritation and turned upon them. The hobbits took the opportunity to escape and began crawling as quickly as they could up the mountain. The sky, against all odds, was lightening slightly--over the clouds, the Yellow Face was rising, and the hobbits were going slower and slower while the orcs distracted the spider. The fat one was carrying the master now.

In his hiding place, his tormented mind moved at a furious pace. Where had the precious lady gone? Was she no longer in Mordor? The question tortured him, but he knew she was nowhere near here anymore. Once more he was torn. Should he go and look for her, the new Precious, or should he follow the other Precious? The desire for both burned so strongly in him that he thought he might be consumed by it. Shelob battled with the orcs and wraiths, the hobbits went farther up the mountain, and he deliberated upon the question. If the new precious was gone, he had no reason to stay but for the old Precious. And if he couldn't have both, then he would at least join the one whose location he was certain of.

So, emerging from his hiding place, he chose the Precious that remained…knowing that it would lead to the fire at the end.

***

Jay stared as Shelob screeched in frustration with the disappearance of her prey.

"Dammit! What does she think she's doing, bringing Shelob out in the open like that?"

"She's not thinking," Acacia reminded her. "She's dead drunk. And when she sobers up, she'd just going to become dead. I'm going to kill her. In a very painful manner."

The assassins, huddling behind a small outcropping of rock, watched in horror as Shelob cast about, searching for new prey.

"What are we going to do?" Marti wailed. "I don't want to be eaten by Shelob!"

"Shelob's not going to eat you. You're bodiless. It's Sue I'm more worried about," Jay muttered.

"I say let Shelob eat her. Stupid bint's gonna get us all killed!" Ala grumbled.

"That's the first intelligent thing she's said all day," Acacia muttered to her partner, grinning.

"No letting competent assassins get killed, Acy. Even if they do get drunk on the job," Jay said through gritted teeth. "There are too few of them…"

"Well what are we going to do in the meantime, wait until Shelob decides to go back into Her lair? It's not safe, and Frodo and Sam are still out there," Kuro Shin pointed out.

"Frodo and Sam! Shit!" Acacia cursed. " She's going to go after the hobbits once She finds them, and they need to be destroying the Ring. Look, the Sun's coming up." She pointed to the east, where they could see that just barely the sky was lightening through the clouds.

"We've got to distract Her. If She eats them, they won't be able to destroy the Ring. Do you know what that kind of problems that will cause?" Jay asked, in a very rhetorical manner.

"In case you haven't noticed, we can't overpower Shelob," Acacia reminded her.

"But we can distract her," Jay said.

"Fair enough. Okay, everyone, we're all going to run out there and attack Shelob," Acacia announced to the recruits. They all looked at her as though she were insane (which she probably was. One could never tell).

"Uh uh. I ain't going out there," Sprite said stubbornly.

"Me either!" Hika agreed. "I don't WANT to get eaten."

"Do it," Acacia said, glaring at them, "Or I'll get the SO to cut off your supply of chocolate. Forever."

A horrified silence swept over the recruits. Would she actually do that…?

…Yes, they decided, she probably would.

"NOW!"

The assassins jumped out from behind their rock and began shooting at the Spider, who jumped as arrows began sticking in her swollen abdomen. They were mere flesh wounds, of course, but they served the purpose of distracting her. Frodo and Sam appeared to understand what the assassins were doing, and continued up the mountain as quickly as they could, Frodo now on Sam's back again.

"LOOK OUT!" someone screamed as Shelob slammed into the ground. A wraith skittered aside, screaming at the top of her lungs, but Shelob came up with nothing.

"How long do we have to keep this up?" Acacia gasped to Jay. "We're going to have to get Agent Sue down from there eventually. And we can't keep Shelob distracted forever. Eventually, she's going to catch something."

Jay shook her head grimly. "Look." She pointed at a dark shape crawling up the mountain after the Hobbits. "Gollum's back in the picture. Possibly Shelob will go away once the Ring is destroyed."

"Nice to know," Acacia muttered as she dodged one of Shelob's legs. This was definitely the worst mission ever.

***

He could feel it again, like he had so many times before. The thought of the Ring was overpowering his mind, until all he could see was it. He had to destroy it. It had to be thrown into the fire. But it was so beautiful…

He stood by the Crack of Doom once again, contemplating the treasure in his hand. He remembered what he had said to the young elf and the other girl the last night, but now his words seemed meaningless. Now that it came to it, he couldn't wait to claim it for his own. It was the ultimate treasure. It was beautiful, and it was precious, and it should not be destroyed!

"Please, Mr. Frodo, just throw it in this time! Before he gets here," Sam pleaded behind him, although he knew it wouldn't change anything. Frodo looked from the Ring to his friend, and then back to the Ring, as if in a trance.

"You know I won't do it, Sam," he said slowly, and moved the Ring towards his finger.

"Stop, Mr. Frodo! Please! Remember Valinor, remember the wonders we saw there, Master! How everything there was more beautiful than the Ring could possibly ever be! Don't do it this time, don't put the world in danger! You know what real power is, now that you've been to the Elvenhome. You know what real beauty is. Please, Master!"

A small spark lit in Frodo's mind, the memory of the land of the Valar where he had healed and lived in peace. But in the face of this perfect, precious object, the memory was dim and dull. No memory could do Valinor justice anyway.

"I see nothing now to compare with this. Good-bye, Samwise." His hand moved, and Frodo disappeared.

Far away, Barad-dur shook to its foundations and Sauron the Deceiver remembered. He remembered the last time, and the time before that. As in all those times, all his will was bent to the center of his power. His allies wavered as he pulled his attention from them, and the Nazgûl flew screaming upon the wings of their fell beasts towards Mount Doom.

Gollum barely bothered with Sam this time, short of pushing him aside. Then the corrupted Stoor and the hobbit were battling each other once again, and then Frodo was visible again and Gollum was dancing by the edge, shrieking his glee, the Ring and Frodo's finger clutched in his hand. Frodo lay defeated.

"Precious, precious, we has it! We has it, and this time, we keepss it!" Gollum screamed, "It is ourss forever, and we shall not burn this time! We keeps it and lives forever!"

Sam rose, horrified to think that the Ring might survive. If Gollum were to take care and not fall, then surely the world would come to an end! The hobbit steadied himself, gripped his sword, and pressed his lips together in grim determination. If Gollum's carelessness was not going to do it this time, then he would.

But he need not have feared, for Frodo was not yet fully defeated. As Gollum capered away from the edge instead of toward it, the hobbit reached out and snatched Gollum's scrawny ankle with his bleeding hand. With a shriek, the corrupted Stoor lost his footing. Frodo pulled, Gollum fell backwards, and the Ring was jarred from his hand. Gollum screamed with the agony of being separated from his Precious as it flew through the air, towards the fire. He launched himself after the golden prize.

And to Sam's horror, so did Frodo.

"MASTER!" he cried, as Gollum and the Ring disappeared over the edge. Frodo was at the edge now, reaching and leaning dangerously over the side. Sam ran as fast as he could, but he knew in his heart that he was too late, as the stone beneath his master crumbled and he began to slip…

Suddenly, everything stopped. Frodo, leaning at an impossible angle over the fire, ceased falling. Below, the Ring halted just above the fire. Sam was frozen mid-run.

Outside, just as she was about to snap her mandibles around a recruit, Shelob was rendered motionless. Agent Sue tumbled drunkenly off her back. The assassins stared in surprise as Mordor suddenly became completely silent.

"What's happening?" Eva asked, after she'd gotten a suitable distance away from Shelob's fangs. Jay and Acacia stared at each other, at a loss for words.

Slowly, in Mount Doom, things began moving again. The Ring began to spin upwards in reverse, back towards Gollum's waiting hand. Gollum floated upwards, gaining speed as he went. The Ring and Frodo's finger returned to their previous owners, and Sam began running backwards.

Shelob was being pulled back towards her lair, slowly at first, but then gaining speed. The assassins watched in shock as Gollum re-appeared from the Mountain, followed by the hobbits.

Middle-earth was…rewinding.

Frodo and Sam were now being whisked back across Mordor at an incredible speed. They passed Cirith Ungol, the Plains of Gorgoroth, and briefly, Ithilien. They flew through the Dead Marshes and wound their ways backwards through Emyn Muil until they suddenly stopped.

Sam looked to his master, who suddenly bore a striking resemblance to a young human male. A slight breeze moved Frodo's dark curls across his pale face, and his beautiful ice-blue eyes stared hopelessly across the land of Mordor. His orc-rags were gone, replaced by his own clothing. He turned his amazingly blue eyes upon Sam, who looked towards Mordor.

"Well, we're in a fix Mister Frodo, and no mistake," Sam, now sporting sandy blonde hair, said in Sean Astin's voice.

And somewhere on Earth, ubergeeks and fangirls happily munched popcorn, flicked imaginary specks off their costumes, and decided that December 18 had been far too long in coming.

***

Kira collapsed upon the grass beside Kate. Even with Mary Sue inconsistencies, pulling three people all the way across Mordor and into Ithilien was no a picnic.

"That'sss it. I'm exhausted. I'm ssstaying right here," she said. "I don’t bloody care who comesss." She buried her face in the grass, trying to forget Zoe's horrible death and Kate's chilling screams. Beside her, Gimli and Éowyn bowed their heads in respectful mourning.

How many children had died? they wondered. How many innocent young people had been sacrificed, some of them at their hands?

And, Éowyn wondered, why had Kate been asleep when Kira's screams had woken her…?

"Gimli," she whispered. The dwarf grunted in response. "I will take first watch, but do not go to sleep just yet. I need to speak to you."

"Yes?"

Éowyn checked to see that both girls were asleep, and stepped off a little ways towards Gimli.

"Earlier, when Kate offered to take watch, I told her that I would take the next and that she was not to give anyone else the next watch."

"Was there a reason for this order?" Gimli asked.

"I was suspicious of Kira," Éowyn said bluntly. "Have you seen it, how she tenses every time someone mentions the Ring? I would not have trusted her to be the only one awake, with it so near. But when I awoke, Kira and Frodo were screaming, and Kate was asleep."

"It's possible Kate only forgot," Gimli reminded her.

"Perhaps," Éowyn agreed. "But…but I fear that Kira might have…"

"Might have what?"

"She and Frodo were awake," Éowyn said solemly, and from her tone alone, Gimli deduced what she was speculating.

He shook his head. "You think she tried to take it from Frodo?"

"Yes."

"We are far from it, now," he said. "We need not worry about the Ring here."

"But my point is, we still cannot trust Kira," Éowyn said. "And after tonight…I do not think we can trust Kate entirely, either."

Gimli looked over at the sleeping girls and sighed heavily. "I think you may be right…"

***

Kira and Kate were jerked out of their troubled dreams suddenly.

"Come along quietly, and we won't shoot," someone said in an authoritative voice. Kate blinked sleep out of her eyes and was shocked to see Éowyn and Gimli with their hands up, surrounded by bow-and arrow wielding men.

"Go on, you too, lady," someone said behind her, and someone jerked Kate to her feet. She yelped in protest, but it was nothing to Kira's screech of pain as they jerked her arm.

"Hey! Don't do that, she's injured!" Kate yelled at the men. "Stop hurting her!"

"Sssh," Kira shushed her. "Thessse are probably Faramir'sss men. I doubt he's Ssue'd yet, we can probably get him to help uss. If we can't, Éowyn will certainly be able to," she added quietly, glancing over at Éowyn and Gimli, who were glaring at the men as they were held at arrow-point.

"What are your names, and what is your business?" one of them, a man of dark hair and gray eyes was questioning them.

"Mablung, it is I, Éowyn," Éowyn said, stepping forward, but the man only pulled his bowstring back a bit harder.

"Stay where you are," he ordered. "I do not recognize your name, nor your face. I know you," he gestured to Gimli, "must be a dwarf, but what of the rest of you? Are you of the Elven-kind?"

"She is!" one of the men shouted suddenly, pointing at Kate. "Behold! There is an Elf in our midst. See her ears?"

"Then the stories of the fair folk are true. I have never seen a maiden as beautiful as her before…" another man whispered, staring slack-jawed at Kate.

"I don't know, the dark-haired one is quite as beautiful as she is…" his companion whispered."

"Oh sssshit," Kira hissed. "I thought we'd left that behind in Rohan!"

"Of course not, we're Mary-feckin'-Sues," Kate grumbled. "Everywhere we go people are gonna marvel at our beauty. Which would be flattering, if not for the fact that in reality, I am small, skinny, and dark haired, dammit!"

"Of course you know me," Éowyn was continuing to argue with Mablung. "I am the wife of your captain. Remember me, Mablung! I am Éowyn of Ithilien!"

"I know no such lady. And my captain has no wife, although he does not lack for female companionship." Mablung smirked slightly. Éowyn's eyes narrowed dangerously.

"What?" she said, in a voice so quiet and deadly that Mablung took a step back. That kind of voice was like a needle boring into your skin. The worst part of it was knowing that no matter what you did, you'd get more of the same, because you'd just gotten yourself in deep.

Mablung made a valiant attempt to rally. "Th-that is none of your concern. You are our prisoners, and we will take you now to the Captain, who will deal with you accordingly." He waved his hand, and men suddenly came up behind the four with blindfolds in their hands. Kate and Kira, after the initial surprise of the men blindfolding them from behind, bore it quietly, and Éowyn, though she seethed quietly behind hers, did too.

Gimli was another story.

"Oh no! I will not be blindfolded, not again, and not by you!" he yelled, reaching for his axe. Unfortunately, it was not there--the men had already stripped the four of their weapons. Gimli gave up his search, but not his battle. "I suffered through it in Lórien, but I will not allow myself to be led like a dog one more time!"

"Just wear it, Gimli, please! Look, we're all wearing them!" Kate muttered.

"I am not you, and I refuse to be blinded again," Gimli snapped, now glaring at the man who had tried to blindfold him.

"If you will not suffer to come with us blind, then you must suffer to come with us dead," Mablung said coolly, and the blinded women tensed at the sound of many bows being drawn tighter.

"Gimli, please allow the man to blindfold you," Éowyn requested. "Once we are taken to Faramir, I will be sure to have him amend this transgression."

"Yeah, please?" the girls echoed. There was a tense pause as Gimli directed his fearsome scowl at the men, and crossed his arms.

"Blindfold me," he finally said, and the women breathed a sigh of relief. "But know this! I shall take note of every stumble and mis-step, and pay you back in full!" he informed the man as his blindfold was tied.

The group set off finally on what would have probably been a nice walk through lovely Ithilien, if four of the group were not blinded prisoners. Kate listened hard with her sensitive ears to the sounds of everyone's footsteps around her. She could hear the steady thud of Gimli's heavy boots, as well as the dwarf's quiet grumbling, up ahead. Éowyn's light footfalls mingled with those of the men, who made as little sound as it was possible for men to make. Her own footsteps she did not hear, but she could hear Kira's. Hers were soft and pattering, almost a light slap! on the ground. Kate edged a bit towards the sound of the footsteps.

"Kira," she whispered, to get her attention. "Is it just me, or…"

"Are the men acting weird? Yeah. I thought they were politer than thisss," Kira hissed back.

"Yeah, I know we're prisoners and all, and I was expecting to be blindfolded and stuff, but they're not being all courteous like they were with Frodo and Sam," Kate said. "Just kind of drooly."

Kira snorted.

"Kira, cut that out. I'm worried. They're not being strictly canonical. You don't think a book-reading Sue has got ahold of them, and decided that Faramir's men are kind of…not nice?" Kate asked.

"Dunno. Hope not. Maybe they're just cranky 'cause it's the middle of the night. I know I am," Kira muttered.

"I hope you're right," Kate whispered, and continued walking in silence.

Eventually they stopped, and their blindfolds were removed. The men rushed away. A door slammed shut. A locked clicked with a metallic pinging noise.

There was a brief silence.

"Sssso…uh…thisss is Henneth-Annun…" Kira said.

"Guess so…" Kate murmured back.

Another pause.

"I kinda imagined it bigger," Kira said, staring at the tiny room the four of them had been locked in.

"They've thrown us in prison! Is this how the son of the Steward of Gondor treats his guests?" Gimli fumed. Éowyn appeared equally outraged.

"I know those men. They are all good and true to their captain. But they do not behave like…like that!" she said, glaring at the locked wooden door. "There must be a Mary Sue here," she added quietly.

"It'sss posssible…there are sssome Sssuviansss who have read the bookssss," Kira said.

"I did read a Faramir-Mary Sue once," Kate said, then realized that that probably wasn't the most helpful thing to say at such a moment.

"What do we do now?" Kira asked, trying to keep Éowyn from noticing what Kate had just said. The last thing they needed was her angry at one of them.

"There is nothing to do but wait," Gimli said. "We will be brought to the Captain soon anyway. Though I don't relish these conditions your husband's men have placed us in," he added to Éowyn.

"I'm going to have a long, long talk with Faramir when they let us out of here," Éowyn said grimly.

An hour passed, and Kate and Kira were soon asleep, and Gimli and Éowyn were dozing quietly. The night passed on slowly, but the four were still weary and relished the sleep. Night turned into day and still the four slept, recovering from the past few horrible days.

It had to have been nearly evening when someone finally came for them and woke them up.

"Wake up, sleeping beauties," came a man's voice invading their dreams. Gimli snorted as he jerked awake, and Éowyn gave a wide yawn. Kira twitched as she sat up.

Arg! Lord of the Rings was based on Nordic mythology, bucko, Kira wanted to say. And, er, a bunch of other things. But there sure as hell weren't any fairy tale influences.

However, she chose to remain silent.

"Five more minutes, Mom. And gimme a blanket, I'm cold," Kate muttered, still curled up on the floor.

"I am not your mother," the man snapped, prodding Kate with his foot. "Get up. Captain Faramir wishes to speak with you."

"Quit that!" Kate whined, slapping at the man's foot.

"Yeah, leave her alone, buddy. Ssshe'sss awake," Kira said, glaring at the man.

"Close your…" the man started to say, and then looked at Kira. His jaw dropped and his eyes widened."…your beautiful mouth…your eyes…"

"Yeah yeah, that ssparkle with the fire of a thousssand emeraldss. Ssshaddup already," Kira hissed. Behind her, Kate sat up.

"I'm hungry. What's for breakfast?"

"A heaping helping of Faramir'sss-about-to-get-hisss-asss-kicked-by-hisss-wife," Kira said, pulling Kate to her feet and pointing at Éowyn, who had her arms crossed and was impatiently tapping her foot, waiting for the man to lead her to her husband.

"Do not be ridiculous," Éowyn said sharply. "Faramir and I are simply going to talk. That is all."

"Yeah. Talk. That'sss it," Kira laughed. Éowyn gave her another one of those cold, stern glances, and she shut up. "Ssso, Captain Faramir, huh?" she prompted the guard, who was still staring star-struck at her.

"Oh. Right," the guard said. He led them out of the room and down a stone hall, while Gimli muttered something angrily about being included in a group addressed as "sleeping beauties." Eventually they came to a door, which the guard opened, and gestured to them that they were supposed to go in.

As Kira walked by, he suddenly spoke up. "My lady…if, er, if there were a way I could speak to you later, I mean, that is, er…"

Kira stared. "Are you asssking for my phone number?"

The man blinked a couple of times in confusion. "Er…no…"

"Good, 'caussse yer not getting it," Kira said, and she flounced into the room.

Inside, sitting at a spartan table, was a man. He was garbed simply, and his hair was something of a reddish blonde, but he had an unmistakable air of authority. He glanced up at the group with cold eyes, and gestured for them to sit.

"So, I am told you four were caught trespassing in Ithilien," he said.

Kate blinked. "That isn't Faramir, is it?" she asked. "Wait a minute, he's supposed to have dark hair. And gray eyes."

"Éowyn?" Kira asked, looking at the Shieldmaiden.

"I…I am not sure. I know my Faramir looked almost nothing like this man, and I do not see Faramir in him, and yet…" she said, looking confused.

"You know my name," the man stated. "I am Faramir, as you guess. I am known to you, and yet you are not known to me. How, I wonder, has this come to be?"

"Flibberty-flobberty shmiggledy-dee," Kira whispered to Kate, her voice full of mock solemnity. "That'sss not Faramir--it's Dr. Seusss."

Kate held back a giggle.

"Of course we are known to--" Éowyn started to say, when there was a sudden feminine giggle from a doorway, and a busty woman clad in a chain-mail bikini bounced into the room, jiggling as she did so.

"Ah, Imasexyshieldmaiden!" Faramir said.

"What? Uh, Faramir, I think you're a little confused…" Kate said.

"I think he means the Sue," Kira said, pointing at the chain-mail wearing lady, who was now hanging off Faramir's shoulder and giggling more. Another lady suddenly appeared wearing what appeared to be a monogrammed negligee, which read "Faramirsprettymaid." Faramir placed his arms around both women and grinned as they pressed their ample bodies against him.

"Dude. Dude be pimpin', dude," Kate said. Kira snorted and burst into laughter. With one look at Éowyn, it suddenly became guilty laughter, and abruptly stopped.

"Farrie, my dear," Faramirsprettymaid said, tracing circles on Faramir's chest with one finger. "Who are these people?"

"A band of worthless trespassers my men captured. I am just about to interrogate them. No doubt you would like to observe…?" He cocked a sly smile at them.

"Okay, even for 'Ssssued!Faramir, that'sss really bad," Kira muttered. "Sssince when does Faramir 'interrogate'?"

"Since Imasexyshieldmaiden and Faramirsprettymaid decided to visit Ithilien, I bet," Kate replied bitterly.

"Silence!" Faramir snapped at them. He begrudgingly pushed the two Mary Sues away and slowly circled around his captives.

"My men tell me you are orc spies, is this true?"

Kira gave him a look that plainly said, 'Are you a dumbass?'

Kate answered snidely, "Yes, we're orcs, because all orcs traipse about with Rohirric shieldmaidens and dwarves, while wearing Elven clothes and carrying Elven weapons."

Kira snickered and grinned. "They sometimesss play Bridge and knit tea-coziesss, too."

"I knew it!" Faramir cried triumphantly, and the captives just stared in response.

"Oh, cummon!" Kira snapped. "Do we look like orcses to you?"

Faramir continued circling, his eyes narrowing at them suspiciously now. "Well if you are not, then what are you? Speak!"

Kate thought carefully as Faramir continued to circle and glare suspiciously at them, like a squint-eyed vulture. Finally, she stood up tall, lifted her head up high, and told Faramir exactly what they were...

"Not orcs."

Kira giggled then gagged suddenly. "Dude, sstop going around in circlesss. You're making me sssick."

Faramir continued to glare and circle around them. "This is no joking matter."

"It really issn't. I think I'm gonna hurl…"

He stopped abruptly and glared at all of them. Éowyn and Gimli just stared at him, their mouths hanging open in utter shock, as they had been the whole time. To Gimli, Faramir's friend--from all the times he had seen him when he visited Legolas in Ithilien--and Éowyn, his wife, the sight in front of them was absolutely bloodcurdling.

"What are you doing in Ithilien?" he asked sinisterly.

Kira looked over at Kate, who was starting to look slightly worried, then over at Gimli and Éowyn, who still had looks of abject horror on their faces. She sighed.

"We're on our way to Gondor," Kira answered honestly.

"To defeat an unspeakable evil," Kate added with a nod.

"You wanna get in our way, fine," Kira said, her voice now very serious. "But you'll only be hurting yourssself, your loved oness, your country, and the world in the processs."

The girls stared at him, all laughter gone from their faces now, waiting to see how he'd react. He looked slightly confused.

"So…you have no magical…er, trinkets?"

They stared. "Um, no," Kate said.

Faramir looked even more confused. "No mystical-objects-that-you're-taking-someplace- to-destroy-to-defeat-a-Dark-Lord-in-an-effort-to-save-the-world-and-prevent-it-from-being-overcome-by-endless-darkness?"

"'Fraid not," Kira said.

"You are sure?" Faramir asked desperately.

"Yep, pretty sure," Kira said.

"Positive?" He sounded rather dejected now.

Kate nodded. "Positive. Er, sorry?"

Faramir sighed and turned to the two jiggly women. "They haven't got the Ring." The women gave a chorus of sympathetic "Awwww"'s.

"I imagine you're crushed," Imasexyshieldmaiden said.

"We'll have to comfort you tonight, poor man," Faramirsprettymaid said.

"The both of us," Imasexyshieldmaiden added.

"I look forward to it," Faramir replied, suddenly grinning from ear to ear and ignoring his prisoners. "After I torture the prisoners, of course," he added jovially.

"Dude, this isn't Sued!Faramir, it's Evil!Faramir!" Kate exclaimed. "God, I hope Frodo and Sam bypass him." She lowered her voice. "I hope he never gets within ten miles of the Ring," she muttered to Kira. Faramir heard her.

"The Ring!" he cried. "What a terrible thing, that the Ring is entrusted to someone so small and defenseless as a hobbit, and that it is going to be destroyed. Such a thing of power should be used for the forces of good," Faramir mused, his eyes glinting as he said it.

Kira gagged. "It'sss Boromir sssquared!"

"Good God!" Kate cried, absolutely disgusted. "What kind of horrible monster would turn Faramir into…into that?" she pointed at Evil!Faramir, at a near-complete loss for words.

"This is not my husband."

The girls glanced at Éowyn, who had stood in silent shock the entire time. Now she spoke.

"This is not my husband!" she repeated, as Imasexyshieldmaiden hooked her plump, smooth thigh over Faramir's hip, giggling insanely, and Faramir, grinning like an idiot, put his arm around her shoulder, his eyes going slightly glassy as he looked at the Sues. He appeared to be telling them about how he would lead Gondor to glory when he had the Ring. "My husband would never submit to the wiles of those common wenches, and my husband would never desire to keep the Ring. He knew of its peril!" She was enraged now, and ran forward.

"Faramir! Faramir, look at me! Look at my face! Remember me!" she cried. Faramir glanced at her coolly and did a double-take. For a moment he stood transfixed at the sight of her, but Faramirsprettymaid narrowed her eyes at Éowyn and grabbed Faramir's face, pulling it towards her.

"See how disrespectful they are, my lord?" she simpered. "The blonde wench is especially bad. She must be punished."

"Punished…Yes…" Faramir said vaguely, his moronic grin now returning.

"I will deal with them, if you wish it, my Lord," Imasexyshieldmaiden said.

"Yes…you do that…" Faramir said, still being forced to stare at Faramirsprettymaid.

"And I'll be waiting for you in the Captains Quarters," Faramirsprettymaid said.

"In the Captains Quarters…" Faramir muttered. "Yes, deal with them as you will, Imasexyshieldmaiden. And you, go wait in my Quarters," he said to Faramirsprettymaid with a wink. The Sue giggled and ran out the door.

"Now…to deal with you four," he said sinisterly, turning to face his captives again.

"Faramir, surely you--!" Éowyn cried desperately, but Kira suddenly cut her off.

"Oh, you don't want to do that! You sssee, we're very important people."

"Is that so?" Faramir sneered, looking back at the group. He caught sight of Éowyn, and paused.

"Yesss. We're her entourage." She pointed at Éowyn. "Thisss isss uh, uh…Eowilithiriel, Princessss of, um, Faroffshineyplace!"

"What?!" Éowyn cried, rounding on Kira.

"Yeah, what?!" Kate echoed.

"Lady Eowilithiriel," Faramir said, his voice suddenly soft and gentle. He pushed Imasexyshieldmaiden away abruptly. "You are as fair as the morning Sun rising above the eastern clouds. Your beauty shines like the radiance of the stars. You are like a vision in a dream…" He was walking towards Éowyn slowly, as if afraid that she would disappear if he made a sudden movement. He stared at her face with a rapt expression of wonder. "I feel…as though I have met you before…"

"You have, my lord," Éowyn said, her voice soft as her husband stopped, inches away from her. She couldn’t stay angry, not when Faramir was looking at her like that. "A long time ago, you knew me…"

Faramir took her hand, cradling it gently in his own. "Then truly, fate has brought you here." And, slowly at first, he took her in his arms, and when she did not resist, he kissed her and cared not who saw.

Éowyn returned his kiss with surprising vigor, borne of eternities of waiting in Rohan for the Three Hunters to arrive and eventually for her to follow them to Gondor, where she would be re-united with her beloved Faramir once again. It was a while before they parted, but when they did…

"Whoa," Kate muttered, staring at the pair with eyes the size of dinner plates. "Whoa, man, Tobey Maguire and Kirsten Dunst have nothing on these two."

"Don't even come clossse," Kira agreed, her eyes similarly sized.

Éowyn and Faramir drew apart slowly, though Faramir still held her in his arms. His eyes were closed. Éowyn's were open, and they streamed with tears. Slowly the son of the Steward opened his eyes and looked upon the shieldmaiden again…

"Éowyn?" he whispered, his light hair suddenly turning dark, his eyes turning gray, his face changing slightly in shape. "Can it be you, Éowyn my love?"

"Faramir!" Éowyn gasped, her mouth curving upwards into a smile of complete and utter joy. "You have returned to me!"

Faramir said nothing, but tears welled up in his own eyes as he held his wife close again. One traced its way down his cheek and landed in her golden hair. Neither made a sound, but Faramir's lips were moving. It looked as though he was thanking someone.

"Awwwww," Kate and Kira collectively sighed. It was all just too romantic. Nothing they'd seen in the movies had prepared them for seeing something like this in real life. You could practically feel the love radiating off the pair as they held each other in front of the Window on the West. Nothing could ruin this moment.

…We lied.

"FARAMIR! What are you doing with that WENCH?" Imasexyshieldmaiden screeched, launching herself at the happy couple, clearly intent on dismembering Éowyn. Fortunately, she never got that far.

"Éowyn? A wench? Like hell!" Kate said, after she performed a spectacular mid-air tackle on Imasexyshieldmaiden that knocked her to the ground, and then managed to grab the 'Sue's wrists and sit on her head at the same time. "I'll have you know she's royalty, the niece of a king. She's noble! She's brave!" She took a deep breath and added fiercely, "She is a shieldmaiden, something you could not possibly be any farther from being. "

"Mmffll mmmff!" Imasexyshieldmaiden said from beneath Kate's arse.

"Haha! Oh that was pricelessss!" Kira laughed. "Nice going."

"Hey! Watch out for the other one!" Kate yelped, as Faramirsprettymaid launched herself from where she had been hiding around the corner, grabbed a sword leaning against the wall, and made towards her lust object and his wife. Fortunately, she didn't notice Gimli leaning against the wall between her and the two until she'd tripped over his foot and received a steel-toed boot-kick in the side.

"I wished for you every day," Faramir was whispering to Éowyn, looking into her eyes and caressing her cheek. Imasexyshieldmaiden started screeching as Kate got up. Kira grabbed her flailing legs and cheerfully started dragging her across the room, towards what appeared to be a storage closet.

"And I you, my valiant Captain," Éowyn replied, smiling. Imasexyshieldmaiden freed a leg, kicked Kira in the chin, and made a break for freedom--towards Éowyn--but was intercepted when Gimli, bent down (he didn't have to bend too low, as the Sues shapely legs practically reached the ceiling) and used his head…by smashing it against her knee. Imasexyshieldmaiden fell to the ground, screaming bloody murder and clutching her leg.

"What are you doing here?" Faramir asked, running his hands through his wife's hair, his forehead pressed to hers. Gimli stopped to deliver a kick to Imasexyshieldmaiden's side, and Kate and Kira returned to drag her to the closet again, Kira grasping her in a headlock so tight it made her face turn purple. Meanwhile, Faramirsprettymaid seemed to have gotten her second wind back when no one was looking, and was now walking up behind Gimli with a wooden chair. She slammed it down upon the dwarf's helmeted head, where it did absolutely no damage whatsoever and broke into several small pieces. Gimli raised an eyebrow at her with an expression that clearly said, 'Oh, were you trying to get my attention?' and pulled her legs out from underneath her body.

"Hush now," Éowyn said, placing her fingers upon Faramir's lips. "I will explain everything later. I only want to be with you for a moment." Kate and Kira, having deposited Imasexyshieldmaiden in the closet, returned to get Faramirsprettymaid and Gimli jammed the door shut with a nearby (still intact) chair. The three returned, dusting their hands off. Kira and Gimli were laughing.

"That was fun. Makessss me consssider a job in the PPC. Almossst," Kira said, rubbing her chin.

"Not bad, not bad at all! I was quite impressed with how long you were able to keep a hold on the first one's neck. She turned a rather interesting shade of purple, didn't she?" Gimli replied. Kira looked sheepishly pleased with herself.

"Well, you know," she said.

Kate remained quiet, looking at Faramir and Éowyn again. The two were still entirely absorbed in each-other. They were talking quietly, and Éowyn was gazing at her husband with an expression of complete and total love. Faramir was looking at Éowyn with such tenderness and affection, that for a moment Kate was jealous of the shieldmaiden.

If I ever get out of this alive, Kate thought, I hope that, someday, someone looks at me like that.

They stood there for a few more moments, clearly not about to do anything. Gimli coughed impatiently, and they looked up. Faramir stared at Kate and Kira.

"Éowyn, who are they?"

"You remember Gimli, Lord of the Glittering Caves," Éowyn said. Faramir nodded, and Gimli returned the greeting. "Let me introduce you to Kate and Kira."

"Hello, Mr. Faramir, sir!" Kate said, wondering if it was appropriate to bow or curtsey in this situation. Etiquette had never been her strong point. Especially etiquette around almost-royalty.

"Nice to meetcha," Kira added. "Éowyn talks about you all the time."

Faramir stared, and Éowyn blushed a bit more.

"Er…Éowyn, don't they look…er…unusual to you?" Faramir finally asked.

"'Course we do. We're Mary Sues. Like those ones we locked in the closet," Kate said, pointing to a door behind which the muffled voice of Imasexyshieldmaiden was being very loud.

Faramir backed away a bit.

"The Mary Sues are the beautiful women who have been taking over the minds of men," Éowyn said. "They have apparently caused many important people to betray their spouses, and they alter their behavior," she added wryly.

"I…have encountered them," Faramir said darkly. "Several of them."

"You have? Wow. I didn't think that would happen until the second movie," Kate said, blinking in polite puzzlement. "Sorry about that."

"Kate! Maybe the ssecond movie is already out!" Kira suddenly hissed. "You know it might have been long enough, back home!"

Kate paled. "Noo! That would be terrible! We'll be facing an absolute onslaught of them!" she wailed. "And I won't have gotten to see the Ents onscreen yet!"

"Oh yeah, that'sss real important right now," Kira said sarcastically.

Faramir continued to stare.

"They are different from the rest," Éowyn assured him.

"Perhaps we should all sit down, and you can explain…" Faramir suggested.

"With food?" Kate asked eagerly. "'Cause I'm getting kind of tired of lembas."

"I could go for some fisssh," Kira offered, licking her lips slightly. Then her eyes widened. "Crap! Did I just sssay that out loud, preciouss?"

***

An hour later, everyone had been supplied with refreshments and the situation had been explained to Faramir. The group had their weapons and rations returned. Kate was munching on an apple and looking thoughtfully at the Captain as he spoke with Éowyn and Gimli.

"He's awfully nice, now that he's back to normal," she said. "More Faramir-ish. I could really get to like this guy."

"But his hair'sss turning light again," Kira pointed out. "Some 'Sue must've heard Boromir had a brother and thought he had reddish hair, too. Why couldn't Sean Bean have had a dark wig?"

"Dunno. I just can't believe how out-of-character Faramir was. Someone really hasn't read the books very well, making him want the Ring like that…"

"Tell me about it."

Éowyn looked over at the girls as Faramir spoke to her about something. A sly glint was in her eyes, and for a moment, she cast her gaze on Kira, but neither girl noticed it.

"Girls…would you like to look out the Window on the West? I'm sure one of Faramir's men would be glad to show you."

"We could take them…" Faramir started, but Éowyn cut in with, "No. There are some matters I would like to discuss with you and Gimli, and I think they would not be of interest to the girls."

"I want to see it!" Kate said eagerly. Kira remained silent.

Faramir stared at his wife oddly for a moment before calling out for Damrod and asking him to escort the girls to the Window.

"And please tell the men not to open the storage closet under any circumstances."

Damrod unquestioningly followed his captain's order and signaled for the girls to follow him.

Kira hesitated. "I think I'd rather ssstay here…" she said haltingly, staring at Éowyn.

"I think you should go. It is quite a sight to see," Éowyn said, her voice far too calm for Kira's liking and and slightly icy. Though she wasn't sure exactly why, it got under Kira's skin for some reason. The two stared at each-other, and to those who watched, it seemed that the air grew colder between them.

"I'd like to ssstay," Kira stated firmly.

"I think you should go," Éowyn repeated.

"I think I should stay," Kira replied.

Éowyn face hardened and her eyes flashed icy gray, as perilous as the sea. The air seemed to get even colder. The others could only watch in a horrified awe, so shocked they were at the sudden change in atmosphere.

"Such a shame to miss out on such a wonderful sight, especially since it is unlikely that you will ever have the chance to see it again."

"I'll manage," Kira positively spat out, her voice hard with bitterness. In the depths of her eyes, sparks of eerie green light flickered into being as she continued her staring contest with the shieldmaiden.

"Go see the Window, Kira," Éowyn said, even more irritatingly calm than before.

The glow in Kira's eye grew brighter and her face contorted in pointless, completely unprovoked anger. A low hiss started in the back of her throat.

"Kira?" Kate asked in confusion.

Kira's face suddenly relaxed and the light in her eyes abruptly faded. The hiss died on her lips. She turned around and faced her friend.

"Yeah?"

"Come with me, please? I don't want go alone in case the guys act all lusty."

Kira cast one last angry glance back at the stony face of the shieldmaiden, and muttered an almost unintelligible "okay" before grudgingly following Kate and Damrod out of the room. She left a shocked silence in her wake.

After a few moments, Gimli's shocked-filled voice said, "By Aule's beard, you were right…"

"She knows I suspect her," Éowyn said. "She knows that I do not trust her."

"Éowyn…what just happened?" Faramir asked. "It thought you said these two were trustworthy…"

"More trustworthy than the others, perhaps," here she turned to Gimli, "but I do not think we can place all our trust in them as we once thought."

"Do you think she is purposefully plotting against us, or…" Gimli started.

"Nay," Éowyn replied. "I think she is slowly giving into the habits of her character."

"Her character? What about it would make her untrustworthy?" Faramir questioned.

"As you know, many of these Mary Sues have…interesting lineages…" Gimli said.

"And hers is…?"

"Half-gollum," Éowyn stated plainly, and Faramir's eyes widened in shock. "It makes her desire the Ring, though she is loath to admit it."

"I do not blame her," Faramir admitted, following the girls with his eyes as they exited with Damrod.

"Her desire is so great, I have reason to believe she attempted to take the Ring from Frodo last night."

Faramir looked up sharply. "This is a grave matter indeed. How is it that it was able to form a hold upon her so quickly?"

"Her lineage, as we said," Éowyn said.

"It would appear the two know a lot about the Ring. Possibly more than either of us," Gimli said, meaning him and Éowyn, "They claim to have read about Middle-Earth in books where they are from. They are able to recount events such as the destruction of the Ring more clearly and with more detail than Frodo and Sam are…" Gimli trailed off, looking uneasy. "It does not sit well with me, that they know so much about the Ring. They already know how powerful it is, so its job is half-done. They have reason to want power. And as they are only children, I fear they may lack the strength to keep from giving in to the Ring's call," he finished grimly.

"I thought I might be able to trust Kate," Éowyn said, "but last night that trust was broken. The girls are likeable enough in their own way, but I realize now that that is only another reason that we must continue to be suspicious of them. Many an enemy has disguised itself as a friend before."

"But if they speak the truth and know as much of the Ring as you say they do, then they know too of its perils," Faramir mused. "I too knew the power of the Ring, and it was because I had learned about it that I was able to allow it to pass me by. This at least may help to dam the desire for the thing the girls may feel. Where is it now?"

"We do not know. It should have been destroyed by now, and that is what worries me most of all," Éowyn said.

"Worry not. If it was the case that Sauron had retrieved it, instead of Frodo having destroyed it, we would know," Faramir said encouragingly, but his face was grim. "We would know."

***

"Can you believe her?!" Kira raged as she followed Kate and Damrod to the Window on the West. "Sssending ussss away like that like we were children!"

"We are," Kate reminded her.

"Neverthelesssss, preciouss. Sshe ssshouldn't tell us what to do like that, sshe sshouldn't."

"I…well…they have every right to talk without us. I think," Kate muttered, but privately she was thinking that if Éowyn and Gimli had something to say to Faramir, they should have been able to say it in front of her and Kira. Saving Middle-Earth was as much their responsibility as it was Gimli and Éowyn's. Did they still not trust the girls?

"Maybe she really did just want us to see the Window," Kate suggested.

"Yeah. Right."

They lapsed into silence again. Kate suddenly remembered what Éowyn had said to her the night before-- "I will take next watch. No matter who offers, I will have it." But she had let Kira take the next watch. Was Éowyn mad at her?

Furthermore…why had she been so insistent that it be she who took the next watch, and not anybody else?

Kira continued muttering darkly and Kate sorted through her thoughts. If Éowyn still didn't trust them (and she would be well within her rights to), then she wouldn't have allowed Kate to keep a watch at all, not with the Ring so near. If she felt comfortable enough allowing Kate to be a lookout, then she should feel the same way about Kira, right?

Right?

So Kate understood--Éowyn at least trusted her, somewhat, but she didn't trust Kira.

Why?

"Behold, the Window on the West," Damrod said, as he brought the girls onto a floor of polished rock. On the West side of the room, a thin veil of water fell in front of a rough rock gate.

They were just in time for sunset.

"Wow…" the girls breathed, before their breath was taken away by the sight of the fading light of the sun dancing in the water. Jewel-bright colors flashed in the water, kindled by the light. A scientist would have marveled at the way the water refracted the sunlight so that it displayed the spectrum in a way that was undeniably aesthetically pleasing. Tolkien had said that it appeared "curtained with threaded jewels of silver and gold, and ruby, sapphire, and amethyst, all kindled with an unconsuming fire."

The girls liked his description better.

The room slowly darkened as the sun sank, and the sound of the water falling was like music--splashy music that consisted of pouring water onto rocks and that made one want to go to the bathroom after a while, but music nonetheless. But at the same time as she marveled at the beauty of the Window on the West, Kate puzzled over the fact that Éowyn would not place her faith in the girl who she had grown closer to in about a week than she'd usually been able to in a year.

Kate had faith in Kira. That was a fact as solid as the foundations of Arda. She trusted Kira with her life, because she knew that Kira trusted her with hers. Neither would have survived this long if they hadn't had each other. Kira would have been beheaded back in the Barrow-downs if Kate had not been there, and Kate would have been burned alive in Fangorn if Kira hadn't knocked her out of the way.

And though she hadn't admitted it to herself yet, a thought burrowed like a worm through her mind. Every quiet moment it was there, whispering in the language of thought that even if she wouldn't acknowledge it, Kira was dying…

Without Kira, what would she do? What would become of her? She was doing an awful lot of saving these days, but it was only because Kira was there behind her, suggesting the way to do it, bringing her back to earth when she got too spacey for her own good. The world was an awfully big place to save, but one person…that was a little bit easier. She hadn't admitted it either, but keeping Kira safe was what was keeping her going. She had to keep Kira safe so that Kira could keep her safe, so that Kira could tell her how to save the world in the end…

Without Kira, she couldn't save the world.

"It'sss ssso beautiful," Kira whispered as water from the fall landed in a gentle mist upon her face and hair.

"Yeah. I guess this is why Éowyn wanted us to see it," Kate said, happy not to be left alone with her thoughts anymore. They were not very nice thoughts, and she would have liked a chaperone.

Kira's eyes narrowed at the mention of Éowyn, but she said nothing about her.

"Well…I hope they put this in the movie," Kate chattered, trying to fill up the empty space in the conversation. "Although I dunno if they could do it justice, huh?"

"Yeah," Kira agreed as the last of the sunlight faded. "It's ssspectacular."

"Better than CGI."

"Yeah. Think we can go back now?" Kira asked.

"How long have we been gone?" Kate asked. She'd lost track of time watching the sun set through the waterfall.

"Some time," Damrod said behind them. "I will lead you back, if you will follow me."

"Thank you," Kira said shortly, and strode after Damrod as he exited. Kate trotted along behind.

Éowyn would trust Kira eventually, she thought optimistically. She and Kira would show her they could be really trustworthy as time passed.

Éowyn looked up sharply as Damrod brought the girls back. For a moment Éowyn and Kira's eyes met, but Kira looked away, her face in a resentful frown. Éowyn gave no outward sign that anything had happened and instead turned her eyes upon Kate.

"Did you enjoy seeing the Window?" she asked.

"Oh yes!" Kate said enthusiastically. "It was so beautiful. I've never seen anything like that."

"Few have. Consider yourselves very lucky to have seen it," Faramir said.

"I will," Kate assured him. "Gosh. Never thought I'd see the Window to the West. Wow."

"It was beautiful," Kira added, earnestly, but with much less enthusiasm than Kate. She cast a resentful glance at Éowyn, but Éowyn was too busy looking at Faramir to notice.

Nasty, nasty yellow-haired woman…

"Hey!" Kate suddenly perked up as an idea occurred to her. "You know what? I bet Faramir could do something for your shoulder. Hey, Faramir!" she said.

"Don't bother him, he'sss talking to Éowyn, and I'm fine," Kira hissed, grabbing Kate's shoulder to stop her.

"You are not. Excuse me…"

"Kate, stop it!" Kira hissed.

"No. Faramir, sir, could I ask you something?"

"Certainly," Faramir said, looking across the small table at her.

"Well Kira's shoulder is wounded, and we've only been able to put herbs on it and stuff, and it's gotten really bad. Do you know anything about fixing infected wounds?" she asked. Kira was glaring at her friend now.

Faramir looked at Kira, and noted her sour expression. It was about to get a lot sourer.

"Yes," he said. A small amount of hope flared up in Kira's eyes suddenly, and she looked at Faramir. His face was grim. "But you're not going to like it…"

***

"You're going to what?!" Kira screamed.

Faramir had taken the group again to the Window, claiming that he needed more space and a fresh supply of water for the treatment he was about to give Kira. He sighed at her reaction to his summary of the process.

"It's unpleasant, but it's the only way I can do anything for you. I am not Lord Aragorn."

"But…but…that ssssoundssss like it will do more damage than good, precioussss!" Kira wailed.

"Many a man has been saved by this technique," Faramir assured her. "It is painful, but it destroys the infection and cauterizes the wound."

"I hate you right now. I really hate you," Kira hissed at Kate, who didn't say anything.

She was too busy staring in horror at the red-hot metal poker that Faramir was about to insert into Kira's wound.

"You don't have to have it done," Kate reminded her. "You could wait until we reach Gondor…"

"I would advise against it," Gimli said. "Her condition…"

"I'm bloody ssssick of hearing about my condition!" Kira roared. "And I don't wanna get sssstuck with a poker!"

"Do you want to live more than a week?" Éowyn asked coolly. Kira looked from her shoulder to the red-hot poker and back, whimpering almost imperceptibly as she did.

Finally…

"All right! All right! Jusssst do it fasssst, okay, preciousss?" she wailed.

"It would work much better if we cut out the infected flesh first…" Faramir started.

"No! The damn poker'sssss enough!"

"I thought you would say that." Faramir sighed. "Hold her," he ordered as he pulled down her sleeve. Éowyn and Gimli grabbed her arms and firmly held her into place as Faramir lowered the poker.

Kate found it hard to believe that Kira was feeling any worse than her right about now. She hadn't meant anything like this when she'd suggested Faramir help Kira! She didn't see how burning the wound would help much anyway, but Faramir probably knew more about it than she did…

Still…

She turned away and looked back towards the Window, her stomach turning at the thought of that red-hot poker getting stuck into Kira's shoulder. She felt so awful now. She cautiously raised a hand and placed it in the water, parting it so that she could see the sky. She glanced up sky, hoping to find some comfort in Middle-earth's beautiful, bright stars.

Unfortunately, the stars were currently shining black.

Kate blinked and stared closer. The stars were shining black!

"What the…?"

Suddenly the sky erupted in great, roiling billows of smoke that blocked out the stars. Flashes of angry red lightning appeared in the clouds.

"Hey! Come look at this!" Kate yelled, waving with the hand that wasn't parting the water, wondering where she'd seen this before. As Faramir put his poker down and ran over with Éowyn and Gimli to the window (Kira was now huddled on the ground, rocking back and forth in the fetal position and staring mistrustfully at the poker, which had not yet even touched her flesh), Kate suddenly remembered.

This had been in her vision in Galadriel's mirror!

"Oh my God…" she moaned, remembering the burning hands. She backed away from the window as fireballs started to fall from the sky.

"What are they?" Gimli wondered as the flames disappeared when they approached the Earth.

"Kate, can you see what they are?" Éowyn asked, beckoning her forward again. Kate ran back up to the window, placed a hand back in to part it, and squinted, making use of her Elvish vision.

There seemed to be a person in each fireball…usually female…with hourglass-shaped figures and long, shining hair…

"OH SHIT!" she screamed. "They're Mary Sues! Hundreds of them!"

"What?!" the canons (and Kira) cried. Kira jumped up, shrugged up her sleeve, and ran over to the window.

"The second movie must have been released!" Kate wailed. "They're coming by the hundreds--no, the thousands!"

"We've got to find that bridge now!" Kira yelled.

"But what about your shoulder…?" Kate asked.

"That can wait!" Kira snapped. "Come on, grab your stuff, we've got to go now!"

Kate nodded and grabbed her sword and pack. She barreled after Kira with Éowyn and Gimli close on her tail towards the door, when suddenly the earth shook and threw them off their feet. She screamed as the ground flowed beneath her like water. A vast, black hole suddenly opened up next to her, and she rolled away just in time to avoid falling in.

What the…?

A chill, like ice flowing through her veins, came over her as she realized what it was.

A plot-hole!

"Look out!" she shouted as the plot-hole moved, right towards Éowyn and Gimli. But it was no use--the canon characters were now moving as if they were in a vat of molasses. The plot-hole quickly swallowed up Éowyn and Gimli, and they disappeared. Kate screamed and looked around for Kira, who was huddled beneath the table. She scurried over to her friend as best she could, avoiding the big black holes that were popping up along the way.

What were they going to do without Gimli and Éowyn? They were their only defenses! Without them, they were so doomed it wasn't even funny. There was no way they could get food, water, and defend themselves without the sturdy dwarf and the proud Shieldmaiden, who knew Middle-earth and its ways much better than they did.

And were they still even alive?

Don't think about it now, Kate thought, just get out of here!

"Come on," she said, grabbing Kira's good arm and pulling her out. "We've got to get out of here."

The two started making for the door, but suddenly, a huge black hole opened up right beneath them, and they fell screaming into a black abyss. The room in Henneth-Annun flew away at an amazing rate until it was no more than a pinprick of light in the blackness. Still they fell, time and space (and a lack thereof) flowing around them like rapids in a river, as they screamed and screamed and screamed…

Abruptly they smacked into the ground. The girls looked up to see that the blackness was gone, replaced by green grass, and in front of them, a city. It was clearly a city of Middle-Earth, and as far as they remembered from the Fellowship of the Ring movie, there was only one place it could be…

It was the city. Minas Tirith. The White City of Gondor.

And it was sporting what appeared to be a modern university…

*****

A/N: The hot-poker method was an actual treatment administered in medieval times, and even in more recent times. It works, it seemed appropriate, and Tolkien never specified much about how the Rangers of Ithilien would treat wounds. So we took some artistic license here.

Coming up, the Crossover Chapters Extraordinaire! (See that, multiple ones. Aren't we nice?)