Disclaimer: We still don't own…most of the stuff in this story.

OFUM belongs to the fantabulous Camilla Sandman and is being used with her permission.

*****

A/N: Just so everyone with cameos knows, we're not trying to be unfair by giving DraztiK an uber-cameo. We needed a PPC recruit to fill in a certain role in the story and we decided to use his PPC agent because he was the hundredth reviewer--so this is sort of his special 100th reviewer reward. And Murasaki's just kinda along for the ride.

We're very sorry if anyone feels slighted about their characters not receiving cameos as long as his! We're trying our very best to fit everyone in and give you all a decent amount of time!

Also, um, we got very few reviews last chapter. We know it was the start of school, so we understand, but could you please let us know whether or not you like Kate and Kira's little excursion to OFUM? Because we didn't know whether the lack of reviews was entirely because everyone is so busy or also because you didn't like it…

If you didn't like it, we can change it.

*****

Suedom

by Andy and Saphie

Chapter Nineteen:

Warrior!Sues and Imminent Doom

*****

"Whoo! Look at meee! I'm a table lamp!"

DraztiK stared at his partner. "Where did you get a lampshade?"

"Made it!"

DraztiK stared at the rather drippy thing Murasaki had stuck on her head. "What from?"

"Honey and lembas," she explained.

"Ah. That would explain the bees," DraztiK said, ineffectually swatting insects with his sword.

"And I stuck a pickle on top," she added proudly.

"Why?"

"Well it was just sitting there, and I thought it looked cool…"

"No, why are you dressed like a lamp?" DraztiK prompted.

"Because I've obviously gone insane," Murasaki said cheerfully as the pickle slipped off the top of her head and landed in a puddle of honey on her black-robed shoulder. Even on a Nazgûl, the effect was less than frightening. "And I am determined to make the most of it."

DraztiK snorted. "Yeah…you do that. In the meantime, I'll try and actually do something that will help us…"

"Suit yourself," Murasaki said, and began attempting to fix her pickle.

The two assassins had been walking for some time and had finally reached the borders of Lothlórien. Following the bizarre incident with all the 'Sues at Caras Galadhon, both agents were quite shaken up, and Murasaki had convinced herself that she'd gone insane.

Which pretty much meant she was acting exactly like she normally did.

"Hey, do you think I should maybe stick some leaves on it?" Murasaki was saying thoughtfully. "They're all pretty and stuff."

"Sure, whatever," DraztiK muttered, still prodding his remote activator in the manly kind of way that shows that the male doing the prodding is desperately hoping someone who actually knows how to fix things comes along.

He was worried, very worried. If the remote activator didn't work, that meant that he was stranded in Middle-Earth with Murasaki. Not that Murasaki was that bad. You got used to her…enthusiasm after a while. Or you went insane and started bashing your head against the wall--it was usually one or the other. The point was that "stranded in Middle-Earth" was not a good place to be. And with the remote activator not working, they couldn't portal to wherever Jay and Acacia were. As far as they knew, the pair was still in Fangorn, but if they wanted to verify it they had to walk all the way there…

Not to mention he'd just seen himself dead…

DraztiK shuddered involuntarily. The image of his dead body floated before his eyes, and he struggled to clear his mind.

He was confused. Why had the all those 'Sues suddenly turned into normal people after he and Murasaki had killed them all? Was it possible that they were real people inside? The idea was terrifying, because it made him wonder how many innocent people had died. They couldn't all just be the writers of the stories, because if they were he certainly wouldn't have been among them. But if he was dead, why was he still alive here?

Murasaki peered at her partner from underneath her lampshade. She may have been annoying (and possibly insane), but at least she was perceptive. He was upset, but that was only natural--she was too, and she hadn't even seen herself dead.

"Hey," she asked. "Are you okay?"

"No," DraztiK responded sharply. "Do you think I'm okay?"

"No, not really," Murasaki said, pouting a little. He didn't have to snap at her… "But hey, there's gotta be a logical explanation for this."

"Since when are you logical?" DraztiK asked.

Murasaki shrugged. "Thursday?" she tried. "Anyway, we're gonna figure out what that was back there. And hey," she brightened up, "it's not like you're really dead, 'cause if you were, you wouldn't be here, now would you?"

DraztiK considered this. "I guess you're right." He paused for a moment. "That guy didn't really look like me…"

"Um…" Murasaki mumbled, knowing very well that her partner didn't want to be told that he was wrong there. That guy had looked exactly like DraztiK.

"Yeah. I'm much better looking than him," DraztiK mused. Murasaki shrugged. If it made him feel better…

The sun had set, and it was getting cold. Luckily barrow-wights and Nazgûl weren't bothered by cold very much, so the two trudged on. Occasionally a bug got stuck in Murasaki's sticky headwear, but other than that the walk was pretty uneventful.

Then something caught their eyes in the sky above, and they both froze in horror.

Fire was raining down from the sky.

They stood silent for a long while.

Then, realizing that standing in an open field when fireballs were raining down wasn't the most brilliant of ideas; they took cover under a grove of trees (not that it would have offered much protection, but it made them feel safer) and peeked out through a break in the leaves at the sky.

"Holy cow!" Murasaki finally shouted, once she'd figured out what was in the fireballs falling from the sky. "Now I know I've gone insane."

DraztiK stared in shock. "Sues…everywhere…"

"I've been doing this job too long. It's finally caught up with me. All the hours have just piled up and I've finally snapped under the strain!" Murasaki cried.

"You've only been working for the PPC two weeks!" DraztiK reminded her.

"I was never far from the brink," Murasaki said.

"We can't kill them," DraztiK said as he and Murasaki huddled together, trying to fool themselves into believing it would keep them from getting smashed by a flaming Sue falling from the sky. "They could be…you know."

"What do we do?" Murasaki hissed. "If they see us, they'll attack. We don't exactly look friendly. And we're way outnumbered."

DraztiK clenched his teeth. She was right, of course.

"Murasaki…" he said quietly.

"Yes?"

"There's something I have to tell you."

"What is it?" Murasaki asked.

"If we…if we don't get out of this alive, I just want you to know…"

"Know what?"

"I just want to tell you…" He took a deep breath "…that you're really weird."

"Hey, thanks!" Murasaki said happily.

"No problem."

Just then, a Sue smashed into the ground in front of them and stood up, completely unscathed.

She had a body most people would normally attribute to Xena, Warrior Princess. Her outfit wouldn't have been out of place on Xena, either. She was very muscular, and had big, powerful thighs and very large breasts that were supported by the stereotypical chain-mail bra. There was a pair of daggers strapped to the sides of her chain-mail bikini. Her short, spiky hair was somewhere between brown and blonde, and her eyes were a horrible shade of purple mixed with some other color that had an end result that seemed like urple. An enormous, Norse battle-axe appeared in her hand and she gave a short snarl before speaking.

"What are you lookin' at?" she demanded of the assassins.

"You?" Murasaki said tremulously.

"Death on legs?" DraztiK suggested.

The Sue blinked and directed a short snarl at Murasaki. She muttered something along the lines of "*%^& it, I hate Nazgûl…" before speaking openly again.

"You are creatures of darkness, are you not?" she asked, referring to their disguises.

"Er…" DraztiK muttered.

"No, I'm a table lamp," Murasaki whimpered. DraztiK elbowed her sharply and she squealed in protest.

"Don't fool around with me, minion of darkness!" the Sue snapped. "Tell me where my Lurtzy-poo is!"

DraztiK blinked. "You…er…want Lurtz?"

"Damn straight. I am Marsilowen, the Mistress of Lurtz. So where the hell is he?"

Marsilowen began tapping the handle of her battle-axe impatiently.

"Uh…Parth Galen? It's waaaaay over thataway," Murasaki said, pointing in completely the wrong direction.

"Yeah, if you hurry, you can still catch him," DraztiK added.

Something caught the Sue's eye and she looked over their heads at something behind them. "Wait, what are you on? He's right over there. Oooh Lurtz!" Marsilowen squealed, waving her battle-axe in the air. "Over here, my big hunk of orc-flesh!"

Murasaki and DraztiK whirled around and yelped in horror. Striding towards them, a large white mark shaped like a hand standing out plainly against the filthy skin of his face was an Uruk-hai. And not just any Uruk-hai.

"Lurtz, my hot sexy hunk of evilness," Marsilowen said affectionately as Lurtz shoved Murasaki and DraztiK aside to get to his Sue.

"Marsilowen," Lurtz grunted, bearing his enormous yellow fangs in a terrifying grin. "My voluptuous battle-maiden."

DraztiK looked at Murasaki and stuck his finger down his throat. Murasaki was too busy staring at Lurtz, who was glancing at the assassins and sniffing the air, to acknowledge him.

"How'd he get his head back on?!" Murasaki yelped. DraztiK elbowed her yet again and she glared at him. "Next time you do that, I'm going to stick this arrow here up your--"

"What are you?" Lurtz suddenly growled. DraztiK turned his head from Murasaki and jumped in surprise to find Lurtz's big, white-handed face stuck right into his.

"Er…a Barrow-wight. Um. Ghost. Thing. Evil spirit. Arr," DraztiK clarified, waving his hands around vaguely. Murasaki snorted.

"Are you planning on wetting your pants anytime soon? 'Cause you sound like you're gonna," she whispered.

Lurtz narrowed his eyes and flared out his nostrils. "Then why do you smell of man-flesh?"

DraztiK, who had been about to make a snarky remark to Murasaki, froze.

"Well…um…I just ate a really big man," he said. "And you know how it is, you get that smell of Man-flesh on you, and it just sticks in every--URK!"

Lurtz had reached out and snapped his ham-sized fist around DraztiK's neck; DraztiK choked on his words as Lurtz lifted him off the ground. Murasaki shrieked behind him and Marsilowen watched with interest.

"Barrow-wight, hah!" Lurtz scoffed.

"Hey!" Murasaki yelped. "Don't kill him! He's my partner! I'm still using him!"

"What's up, my most gloriously sexy deliverer of death?" Marsilowen asked, calmly watching Lurtz strangle DraztiK.

"These aren't agents of darkness," Lurtz grunted, and gave a horrible laugh. "Just men in disguise!"

"I'll have you know I'm decidedly female," Murasaki muttered quietly.

Lurtz gave a vicious laugh. "Come, sharpen your axe, my love. We shall feast upon their flesh and make hot, carnal love all night long."

"You really know how to treat a girl!" Marsilowen said happily.

"No!" Murasaki yelled, as Marsilowen raised her axe. DraztiK gave another horrible squelching gasp as Lurtz squeezed his neck tighter. Knowing she couldn't really hurt Lurtz, Murasaki gave a short bound towards his Sue, and with surprisingly fast reflexes, yanked an arrow out of her quiver and stabbed it through Marsilowen's unprotected thigh.

Marsilowen gave a yell that was nearly a roar in her fury. Instantly she altered the trajectory of her axe so that it buried its blade in the ground just where Murasaki would have been had the assassin not dashed aside as soon as she'd let go of the arrow. Lurtz stopped squeezing for a moment and turned his head at Marsilowen's yell. Taking advantage of this, a very purple-faced DraztiK took the opportunity to deliver a hard kick to the Uruk-hai's chin. It wasn't enough to injure him, but Lurtz did drop DraztiK in surprise. DraztiK scrambled away, gasping for air, as Lurtz reached down to grab the assassin again, but DraztiK was already up and running. Assassins were usually pretty fast, and complete and utter terror tends to add to one's speed.

Murasaki was already a few yards ahead, and DraztiK, still gasping, struggled to catch up to her. Behind them, a furious Marsilowen yanked the arrow out of her thigh with another yell of rage, and she and Lurtz took off after the two.

As previously stated, Murasaki and DraztiK were quite fast.

Marsilowen and Lurtz, however, were faster.

Murasaki glanced over her shoulder and gave a terrified start.

"They're catching up! Oh God, they're catching up!" she gasped, reaching for her bow.

"We can't kill her, what if she's--" DraztiK said.

"You think that's a regular chick? I bet she wrote this! Keep running!" Murasaki yelled as she frantically tried stringing an arrow to her bow without slowing down.

"All right, shoot Lurtz, but don't kill her," DraztiK amended. "Just…injure her gravely."

"Yeah, right through the heart!" Murasaki muttered, turned around, and fired a shot.

Murasaki and DraztiK were pretty new to the PPC. They had been working in the Department of Bad Parody for two weeks before being assigned to the Mary Sue department, and this was their first mission under their new department.

However, luckily for them, they weren't so new that they had had to bypass basic training. Which is why Murasaki's arrow landed squarely in Lurtz's shoulder and DraztiK was able to unsheathe and successfully wield a broadsword in his defense as Lurtz pulled out his own weapon and took a swipe at him. Marsilowen had pulled out her daggers and was making for Murasaki, who was shooting like there was no tomorrow.

Mainly because if she didn't, she wouldn't live to see tomorrow.

A couple arrows hit their marks, but what with the darkness and sheer terror, none of them were fatal. DraztiK was doing all he could in his defense, not, of course, getting any offensive swipes in.

They were outmatched. Let's face it, DraztiK and Murasaki were assassins…they weren't Aragorn and Legolas.

DraztiK was staring at Lurtz's horrible, cruel yellow eyes, thinking, I'm going to die, I'm going to die, over and over again…when suddenly they weren't there anymore. In fact, neither was the rest of Lurtz's head. The Uruk's body slumped over on top of DraztiK, who yelped and jumped out of the way as it crashed to the ground, bleeding profusely from the stump of its neck. Murasaki had just shot another arrow at Marsilowen (this one into her shoulder as well), when the Sue suddenly stopped mid-swing and fell over dead as well. Murasaki stared at the body for a moment.

"I didn't do it," she said instinctively.

"Of course you didn't. I did," a voice said.

"That was fun! We got here just in time!" another added.

Two new assassins, bearing bloody daggers were standing above the fallen bodies.

At least, DraztiK hoped they were assassins. One of them was disguised as an Uruk-hai, but it was waving towards them in a friendly sort of manner.

"Are you DraztiK and Murasaki?" it asked in a female-sounding voice.

"Who wants to know?" Murasaki asked.

"Agents Chiad and Beth Eagle," the second one--who was disguised as a warg--said, pointing first to herself and then to her partner with a furry paw. Murasaki blinked.

Chiad was holding a sword. How she was doing it, Murasaki wasn't quite sure, because every time she tried to get a closer look at the warg's grip, her eyes jumped somewhere else.

"We're here to save you!" Chiad added.

"Thanks for that," DraztiK said, leaning against his sword and gasping for breath. "Could you get us out of here? We really need to talk to headquarters."

"Can't do that," Beth Eagle said, "We've all got to portal to Mordor pronto and get Agents Jay and Acacia."

Murasaki shook her head. "Thanks and all that, but we really need to speak to headquarters."

Chiad stared. "Why?"

DraztiK pointed at the body of Marsilowen. After staring for several minutes, the two new assassins tried to talk several times, but each time DraztiK shushed them. Until finally…

"Oh my…" Beth gasped.

The body of the Mary Sue shrank and smoothed out into the body of a young human girl.

A very dead young human girl.

"That's why," he clarified. "They're people. There's real people inside them."

*****

"Okay, here'ssss the plan," Kira said, after the students had all filtered out of their rooms and to their various classes.

"Ooh, plans. I like plans," Kate said. "Do these particular plans involve a change of clothes and a nap? 'Cause I could really use one of them."

"Er…" Kira muttered, then she shook her head and regained her train of thought. "We can hide out in sssomeone'sss dorm during the day. Then, when classssesss are out, we can come out and wait for the occupantsss to come back. We'll tell them…er, well, we'll tell them ssssomething ssso that they'll let uss ssstay there at night. That way we won't have to encounter any of the sssstaff."

"Sounds good," Kate said. "But…how are we gonna get out of here?" She looked hopefully at Kira, who shrugged.

"I don't know. I'll…I'll think of sssomething," she muttered.

"Alright," Kate said, satisfied. She could count on Kira to come up with something. After all, she'd been the one who'd gotten them out of the palace in Mirkwood, the Barrow-wight tomb, and she was even the one who'd stopped Éowyn from killing them in Rohan. Kira could get them out of a tight situation. Kate was sure of it.

"So, pick a door, any door!" Kira said, gesturing towards the rows of doors into the dorms. Kate shrugged, ambled over to one at random, and opened it. For a moment she stood completely still, then gave a quiet squeal of happiness and ran inside.

"Beds!" she said blissfully. "Carpeting, and a roof, and blankets! And beds!"

"And bookss! Precioussss!" Kira added, eagerly following Kate in.

"And beds. Don’t forget the beds." Kate put in, crawling into the nearest one.

Kira ignored her. "All Lord of the Ringssss related." She considered this for a moment. "Actually, you know, I think that about now I could go for a break from Lord of the Ringssss…" She blinked. "Wow. Never thought I'd hear mysssself ssssay that."

"Ooh, it's all soft and cottony," Kate said happily, rubbing her cheek against the bedspread. "Man, I have missed one of these…"

"Wonder if whoever lives here has any comic books…" Kira wondered.

"Whatever." Kate yawned. "Hey listen, about that nap…"

"Go ahead," Kira said, lifting up Sindarin for Complete Idiots and looking at the book underneath. Within minutes Kate was breathing quietly, soundly asleep, and Kira was on the other bed, thumbing through an old magazine she'd found. Eventually she felt her eyelids growing heavy, and fell asleep too.

After what seemed like only a minute later, it was three in the afternoon, and the girls were being thrown out of the room by the half-elf and hobbit who really lived there.

"Wait, wait, we need to--" Kate yawned, but the hobbit just slammed the door.

"That didn't go well," Kira remarked. Kate yawned and rubbed her eyes again.

"I wasn't asleep, I was resting my eyes…" she mumbled.

"Yeah, for sssix hoursss," Kira muttered. She yawned and stretched. Despite her nap she was still tired. She hadn't had a decent night's sleep in a week, and she'd gotten more exercise in that week then she usually got in two months.

"Come on, we'll just find some other place to sleep," Kate said, with a final stretch. She looked a lot better off than Kira--more awake, at any rate. "What do we tell the people in there?" she looked expectantly at Kira.

"Um…"

Geez, why is it always me who has to come up with the ideas? Kira wondered.

"We'll tell them our room wasss painted urple and that the ssstaff jussst told usss to deal with it, and can we ssssleep in their room until ourss iss repainted?" she said, off the top of her head. Kate nodded.

"You look like you could use another nap," she commented as she knocked on a nearby door.

"No, I'm fine," Kira said, trying and failing to stifle a huge yawn. Kate gave her a look that usually meant "quit being a prat and admit that you're not feeling good already."

"Well, I mean, we should rest up while we can, you know?" she said. "Who knows when we'll get a full nights…um…day's sleep next?"

"Good point," Kira said, as the door opened.

"Hi," Kate said to the girl who opened the door. "Um, our dorms got painted urple by accident, may we borrow yours until we can re-paint it?"

The girl blinked. "Who are you?"

"I'm Kate, and this is Kira," Kate said. Kira gave a small wave with her good arm.

The girl stared a little more. "I've never seen you. Don't you have friends who will let you stay with them?"

"Uh…"

"Well we would," Kira said, taking over, "but mossst of our friendsss' dormsss have been painted too. Big accident, you know, we think it wasss Ssssauron and Morgoth. You know how they get when they ssstart fighting…"

"Didn't the staff give you another place to sleep?"

"Yeah, right," Kate snorted. "They just tell us to 'deal with it'."

The girl raised an eyebrow. "Um…well, okay. I'm Jess, by the way."

"Nice to meet you," the girls said as they came in. Over at a desk in a corner, another frazzled-looking girl was half-hidden behind a huge stack of thick books and was writing frantically.

"Whatever it is, don't bother me. If I don't get this essay done by tomorrow, Denethor's going to burn me alive," she said, her voice quavering slightly with stress as her pencil scratched across the paper.

"That's Kat, my…sibling," Jess whispered, making the word "sibling" almost sound like an insult. "She's in OFUM."

Kate and Kira blinked. "Um. Oh."

"I'm in MUSM," Jess went on. "But I like to go to Kat's classes anyway. Which school are you in?"

"Uh…MUSM," Kate said, as at the same time Kira put in, "OFUM."

"Don't you have homework?" Jess asked Kira.

"I did it all," Kira said, looking a little nervous. Jess stared at her.

"All of it," she said flatly.

"…yeah," Kira muttered. Jess stared at her a moment longer, and then shrugged.

"Okay, whatever," she said, grabbing a copy of the Unfinished Tales and flopping down on her bed. "Make yourselves at home," she added. "Just…not on my bed."

"Or mine," Kat put in from behind her books.

"Gee, thankss," Kira muttered as she and Kate sat down on the floor. Then she turned to them and asked, "You wouldn't happen to have any comic booksss, would you?"

"Oh no," Jess said. "Just everything about Middle-earth. Take your pick. But don't mess up anything."

"Actually, I think I'm going to take a nap," Kira said. Jess gave her another look.

"She was up all night doing that homework," Kate put in. "Kept me up, too." She yawned hugely.

"Suit yourself," Jess said, returning to her book.

"And don't snore!" Kat added.

*****

About two hours later, Jess woke Kate up.

"It's dinnertime," Jess asked. "Are you coming?"

"Sure," Kate said, sitting up and yawning. Then she remembered that she and Kira were supposed to avoid staff at all costs, and stopped. "Well…um, actually, I'm not really hungry after all. You go." Her stomach chose that moment to give an enormous growl, reminding her that yes, she was really hungry.

Well…how bad would it be to just run down to the cafeteria and back? She could avoid being seen. The staff probably wouldn't take any extra interest in her. She was just another student, for all they knew. She looked at Kira, who was still out like a light. Kira wouldn't let her go, she was pretty sure, but she'd be hungry too, after a while…

"You coming or not?" Jess asked from the doorway. "You better hurry before the hobbits eat everything."

"Um. Okay," Kate said. She'd let Kira sleep. She'd just come right back after she grabbed something to eat.

"What about your friend?" Jess asked when she noticed Kira wasn't joining them.

"Oh, she isn't feeling well so I'll let her sleep. I'll just bring her back something for when she wakes up, " Kate said lightly.

The three left the room, and quietly shut the door behind them.

Even though Jess and Kate were walking up the hallway together, they stayed the full width of the hallway apart, almost as if they didn't want to be seen with each-other. Kate found it rather odd, but then again, she had friends who despised their brothers and/or sisters, so she supposed it wasn't too unusual.

However, it made things rather tense.

"Um, Kat," she said, trying to ease the tension a little bit, "how'd that essay go?"

Kat just twitched.

*****

"Okay, lets see now…third door on the right, past the girls' bathroom…um…where is the bathroom?"

Kate, her arms full of various foodstuffs, paused to acknowledge being completely lost.

"Oh dear. And I actually have to go, too."

The doors on either side of her all looked completely unfamiliar, which wasn't surprising considering that in her grand total of somewhere around 20 hours at OFUM she'd only been awake for about two.

"Do they have directories?" she wondered aloud, as she re-adjusted the loaf of bread slipping out of her arms and wandered a bit more down the hall. "They ought to have directories. Or maps." She considered this. "They probably have them right next to the girls' bathrooms." Kate adjusted a roll that had been slipping and pushed a nearby door open very tentatively.

She had found the library. Her eyes widened in respectful awe at the massive amounts of books on the shelves, and she pushed the door open enough to get through. She hoped briefly that there wasn't a rule against food in the library. She took a deep breath, breathing in the nice, library smell of paper and glue and…mushrooms?

Yes, she definitely smelled mushrooms. She glanced around and spotted a sizeable basket of mushrooms on a table in the corner. And sitting next to the basket, reading a book and munching on one of the mushrooms was…

Kate's knees went weak.

Frodo Baggins, his dark, curly hair contrasting starkly against the pale, smooth skin of his chiseled face, took a large bite out of a mushroom and turned the page of his book. A bit of drool that had been gathering in the corner of Kate's open mouth dribbled down her chin.

Kate admired and respected bookverse Frodo enough not to drool mindlessly over him. She respected Elijah Wood as a human being enough not to mindlessly obsess over him beyond a joking level. But as far as she was concerned, Elijah-as-Frodo was the hottest thing under four feet in height and was easily enough to make her ooze hormones.

Without realizing it, she'd been walking slowly towards Frodo, which was a feat in itself since her legs currently seemed to have the consistency of Jell-O.

"Uh…" she grunted. The part of her brain that was still functioning screamed in a tiny voice something about her not supposed to be seen by the staff. It was quickly repressed by the observation of how nicely Frodo's white shirt hung on his lean frame and the overwhelming desire to take him home and feed him.

Frodo looked up at her. "May I help you?"

Kate started to scream "MARRY ME!" but cut herself off. Her catatonic state was slowly giving way to her higher-level thinking skills again. She remembered that she wasn't supposed to be seen, considered making a break for it, but then remembered she didn't know where to go and would probably end up back in the mini-abyss if she tried it. At least she could ask him for directions…

Pull yourself together, Kate! she chided herself internally. It's just Frodo. You talked to him before without any problems. Well, almost without any problems. So he's uber-hot, he's just…Oh my God, look at his eyes, they're so blue…so pretty…

"Nnngh," she said.

"Yes, fascinating," Frodo muttered, eyeing the steady stream of drool dripping from the blonde elf's mouth. "Please excuse me."

He was halfway out of the library when Kate regained use of her brain.

"Wait!" she yelled, running after Frodo. "I just want to know--AACK!"

*****

Some time later, a very bedraggled Kate stumbled up to Jess and Kat's dorm. Her 'I <3 Leggie!' shirt was shredded just short of the point of indecency, and one of the legs of her tight jeans were missing. She was nursing a few burns, scratches, and bruises, and had lost most of the food…but at least she could still walk. That was something to be thankful for.

She was just about to knock on the door when it was thrown open and Kira, running as though she had rocket boosters attached to her platform shoes, crashed into her. As soon as the initial yelling in shock and smashing of what was left of the food all over their clothing was sorted out, Kira grabbed Kate by the collar and started yelling.

"WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?!?!?" she yelled, her voice fully warranting a repetition of exclamation and question marks.

"Getting food," Kate said, pointing at the remains of a buttered roll still sticking to her shirt.

Kira was so angry, Kate wouldn't have been surprised if steam had suddenly started pouring out of her ears. "I woke up and you weren't there! How do you think I felt?"

"Aww, you missed me! I didn't know how much you cared," Kate said sweetly.

"KATE! Thisss isss NOT FUNNY!" Kira hissed.

"Alright, alright! Just let go of my shirt, you're stretching it. Not that I actually like it, but I'd like for it to keep me decent, please," Kate said. Kira complied, albeit reluctantly. "Jess and Kat were going to eat dinner, so I followed them to the cafeteria to get some food. You were asleep, so I let you stay. You need your sleep and all…"

"I woke up and you were gone, Kate! You can't go wandering off at OFUM!" Kira growled.

"I wasn't wandering off, I was following Jess and Kat, who know their way around here better than you do!" Kate snapped. "I mean, they're a lot more help here than you are."

A second later, she realized how that must have sounded.

"Oh gosh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it that way…" she said, but Kira just glared at her.

"Yeah, sssome help I am. Sssome help I am, with my 'condition' and you and Gimli and Éowyn--and even Faramir--all fussing over me like I'm sssome invalid…"

"I didn't mean it like that!" Kate wailed. "I'm sorry, I really am! I just wanted to let you get some rest, so I went to get you some food because I knew you'd be hungry!"

"Well fine, but you should have woken me up firssst! Kira growled angrily.

"Hey, I'm not helpless, you know! I don't have to have you around every second for me to be able to do something," Kate insisted, conveniently forgetting that she was relying on Kira to figure a way out of OFUM.

"Oh really? Then where iss the food? And why are you such a messs, then?" Kira inquired.

"Because…because…I got lost," Kate admitted. "And a few Sam minis…um…chased me all over because they thought I was trying to glomp Frodo."

Kira glared furiously at her.

"But I wasn't!" Kate insisted. "I was asking him how to get back to the dorms!"

"Oh yeah, that'sss really hard to confuse with glomping!"

"It is when you're running after him!"

"Oh and why was he running away, huh? To get away from you becaussse you were trying to glomp him?!"

"I WAS NOT! STOP YELLING AT ME!" Kate yelled. "I JUST WANTED TO HELP!"

"AND A DAMN GREAT JOB YOU DID OF IT, TOO!" Kira yelled back.

Kate burst into tears.

"So I made a mistake!" she sobbed, trying to pretend she still had her composure. "What's the big deal? I mean…I mean…no one's perfect!" She dissolved into tears again, choking on her own voice.

"Oh stop that, already!" Kira snapped. "Sssomeone'sss gonna hear you, you big crybaby!"

"Fine! So I'm a crybaby!" Kate sobbed. "I don’t caaaare! I wanna go hoooome! At least there I can get a snack without getting my head bitten off! I wanna go hoooome…" she wailed morosely. Kira shifted uncomfortably. She hadn't meant to make her cry…

"Well, ssso do I, but you don't see me crying about it," she muttered.

"I'm a crybaby, remember?" Kate wailed. "I've been tossed through plot holes, attacked by mini balrogs, I'm a mil…a bil…so far from home I can't even measure it in miles, and you yell at me when all I did was try and bring you food!"

"It was dangerous! You could have been killed!" Kira yelled. "How do you think I'd feel if you did?"

"I don't know, you seem like you'd be pretty grateful right now!"

"WHAT?!"

"Hey! Keep it down out there!" someone yelled from a door down the hall, which was shut with a resounding slam. An abrupt silence, broken only by a few choked sobs, fell.

After a moment, Kira spoke. "Look, I jussst…don't go off and leave me, okay? We need to ssstick together," Kira said grumpily. Kate whimpered miserably.

"I wasn't leaving you, I was just getting some food. I thought I could get back without being seen. We do need to eat," Kate mumbled.

"Yeah, but you should have brought me, too, sssleeping or not, okay?" Kira muttered. "I was…I was really worried. I woke up and I was all alone, and I thought that you'd wandered out…and maybe the ssstaff had discovered you or the minisss had gotten you or something…"

They were silent for a moment.

"I'm sssorry. I didn't mean to make you cry," Kira said, her voice cracking slightly. She was drooping now, as if she were inner tube that most of the air had been let out of. She reached her arm up and scratched her head nervously, as if unable to figure out what to do with her hands.

Kate sniffled. "I'm sorry, too. I shouldn't have left you like that," she said. "Truce?"

"Ssure."

Kate wiped her eyes and sniffled a little, but otherwise stopped crying.

"…you wouldn't happen to have any of that food, would you?" Kira asked, a mite hesitantly.

"Sorry, I lost most of it while I was running from the minis," Kate admitted.

Kira groaned.

"I did save this, though," Kate said, holding out a napkin full of…

"Pie." Kira took it and stared at it. "A piece of apple pie."

"I would have brought you more," Kate apologized.

"Pie. You would, of course, manage to sssave pie…" she said amusedly.

"It's good, I had some on the way over."

"Pie. Freakin' pie…"

"Are you going to eat it or not? 'Cause I'm still kind of hun--"

Kira swallowed the slice of pie in two bites.

"You're welcome," Kate said.

"Fanks," Kira added belatedly, looking down the hall as she swallowed her mouthful of pastry. "Y'know, we shouldn't be ssstanding out here like this. Let'sss get back in before ssomeone comesss along."

"'Kay," Kate said, and followed her into Jess and Kat's dorm. Inside, Kate folded up in the corner, resting her chin on her knees and looking entirely morose.

"Hey, look, I'm sssorry already…" Kira mumbled, still feeling bad about the fight. "I'm sssorry I made you cry and all, I didn't mean to get sso mad--"

"S'not you," Kate said, her voice sad and muffled through her knees. "And that was partially my fault too. It's just…I'm in a real bad state right now, you know? This is the longest I've ever been away from home without my parents…" She choked a little as if trying to hold back a sob. "And I'm real homesick…" She screwed up her face and buried it completely in her legs, her entire body shaking now with suppressed sobs.

"Hey, it'sss okay…I'm homesssick too…" Kira said, edging closer to Kate.

"But you're not…not…look at me! I crack like an egg!" Kate wailed hysterically, lifting her head up again. "I'm such a goddamned wuss, and once I get started I can't stop. And…and…oh God, here I go…" and she began sobbing hysterically into her knees.

Kira eyed Kate nervously and bit her lip. She felt extremely awkward. She always did when someone was crying, which was why she always asked someone who wasn't awkward to comfort them so she didn't have to. But there was no-one else available at the moment.

Besides, Kate was her friend. She owed it to her to at least do something…

She reached a tentative hand out and patted Kate on the back.

"Er…there, there?"

Kate kept sobbing.

Kira sighed. "Hey, look, it'sss alright that you cry. I cry a lot, too."

Kate made some gulping, wavery, nearly incomprehensible noises in response.

"Okay, you're right, sso I don't do it as much as you do…but I sstill cry. Like when Fimalda died, and when we met Gimli and Eowyn and thought they were going to kill usss--though that was a bit more theatrical than emotional on my part, to play on their pity--and when we learned what happened to Calenmir…And there were a few times when everyone was asleep, and when I was alone in Lorien. I cry, too, jussst not in front of people."

Kate whimper-blubbered something else out.

"No, not becaussse I think crying seemsss weak. It'sss becaussse…" She paused. Her face crinkled in careful thought, as she decided whether she wanted to say why. "See, my parentsss ussed to fight a lot. It was really bad…and when I cried, my mom would yell at my dad for making me cry by fighting with her and then my dad would get more mad and the fighting would get worsse. So, I don't cry in front of people anymore…"

The blubbering subsided, and sniffling, Kate gave her friend a sympathetic pat on the back. It almost made Kira laugh, because being selfless and compassionate in the middle of a miserable crying jag was so typically Kate.

"So, anyway, it'sss normal to cry. Normal, well-adjusssted people cry when they're upssset--"

"But I do it all the time!" Kate protested.

"You sstill do what you have to do," Kira pointed out. "That'sss what'sss important. And you're jussst a kid. No wonder you're crying ssso much: you're sscared, and ssad, and you have no idea when--and if--you're going to get home."

"You're a kid, too!" Kate cried, and Kira was glad to see that her sobs were subsiding.

"Yeah, but I have almossst two yearsss on you. I'm almossst legally an adult. Two yearsss ago, when I was your age, I was all emotional, too--though I was more cranky than weepy--but anyway, I grew out of it. And I'm not as attached to my parentsss as you are because I've already been separating mysself from them in my mind, and becoming more independent and ssstuff, becausse I'm going to college sssoon…er, if I live that long."

"Still…" Kate started, sniffing morosely.

"Still nothing," Kira snapped. "At leassst you don't deal with sstress by being controlling and paranoid and overprotective…"

Kira finally stopped rambling and looked up at Kate hopefully, her green eyes wide and sincere.

"Are you done rambling on and on now?" Kate asked, wiping her face with a nearby blanket. She felt a little better now.

"Anything to stop your blubbering," Kira answered frankly, flashing Kate a wide grin.

Kate laughed amidst her sniffle and gave Kira a good-natured smack on the upper arm.

Kira's face froze in a grimace. "NNNGH!"

"Oh!" Kate gasped when she realized what she had done.

"Sore arm, Kate," Kira hissed through teeth gritted with pain.

"I'm so sorry!"

"It's…okay…" Kira managed to say calmly, rubbing her shoulder gently, and still grimacing.

"I'm really, really sorry!" Kate looked at her friend worriedly. She squirmed slightly where she sat, looked like she was about to say something, then bit her tongue.

She shouldn't ask, even though she really wanted to. Not right after Kira had just gotten over being mad at her…

As Kira looked at her friend wiggling and trying (unsuccessfully) to look disinterested, her grimace smoothed out and was replaced by a look of exasperation. She sighed.

"You're dying to ask me about my shoulder, aren't you," Kira said flatly.

Kate nodded. Kira sighed again.

"You're not going to ssstop bugging me about it until it'ss better are you?"

Kate shook her head. Kira sighed once more.

"Well…if you really want to know…it hurtsss. A lot," Kira said, figuring that there was really no escaping it. Ignoring it wasn't going to make it go away… "But whatever Gimli put on it really helped, and so did sssleeping. And when my clothesss changed to modern clothes, the bandage changed too, to a nice, clean, modern bandage. It'sss not as bad as it was before. But I think it'ss jussst going to get worsse again, unlesss I can get some antibioticsss."

"Maybe they could treat it here," Kate suggested. "They have a Hospital Wing."

"Maybe. But only one antibiotic worksss on me now, because I've developed allergies and tolerances to all the other ones. So, if they don't have any Biaxin, and at least a few weeks worth at that, I'm ssscrewed."

"Only one antibiotic works when you get sick?" Kate asked incredulously.

Kira nodded. "If I ever developed an allergy to it, or it ssstopped being effective, I'd have to ssstart going to the hosspital every time I got an infection to get intravenousss drugsss."

"Okay, your immune system really is messed up," Kate said, wide-eyed.

"I told you it was," Kira said bluntly. "I really meant it. I'm going to have to get my handsss on some Biaxin, and be able to take it religiously, two timesss a day, for three or four weeksss, or I need to get to a modern hossspital. I don't think herbal Middle-Earth stuff will pull it off, even if it'ss Masster-healer!Elrond or Aragorn that putsss it on."

"So that's why you didn't want us fussing over it," Kate said. "Gosh, and I thought I had it bad…I'm just lactose intolerant. Well, and a lot-of-other-things intolerant too."

"You can't have milk?"

"Nope. Or much refined sugar, and eggs give me cramps, and fried foods make me painfully ill," Kate said, ticking things off on her fingers. "In fact, too much fat at one go makes me sick. Too much of anything makes me sick, really. I have to be really careful about what I eat. I'm surprised that pie I had earlier hasn't upset my stomach, but I couldn't resist."

"No wonder I've never seen you eat any cheese."

"And my whole family fusses over me when we go out to eat." Kate rolled her eyes. "I have to tell them at least three times that I've already eaten before they leave me alone about it, every single time. I hate going out to eat." She paused. "I'm sorry for fussing over you. I see why you hate it."

"No, it's okay. You are right that it sucks. I mean, I didn't want you fusssing becaussse I hate being fussed over," Kira said with a laugh, "but it was alssso becaussse it's pointlesss. Either we'll find sssome way to convince the staff that we're good guysss sso that they fix me up in the Hosspital Wing, we'll find a way to steal sssome medicine, or we'll finissh thisss whole adventure up sssoon ssso that I can get to a hossspital." She paused thoughtfully. "Sssomehow, I think defeating sssome evil force and ssaving Middle-Earth will be eassier than the firsst two."

"We'll get some medicine or get you to a hospital," Kate said sincerely. "You'll see."

Kira surprised her by grinning at her. "Yeah," she said, her voice almost hopeful. "Maybe we will." She paused. "Actually, I think I'll be able to go a while yet. I think I jusst really needed a good sssleep."

She ended the sentence in a long yawn.

"Speaking of which, you want to go back to sleep again? I do. I'm pooped."

"Yeah," Kira said, her mouth opening like a cavern yet again. "We ought to resst up. Who knowsss what tomorrow may bring…"

"Hopefully, a way out of here," Kate said pertly.

The two didn't have to turn the lights out, as the room was already dark. Kate, Jess, and Kat had turned the lights out when they left for dinner, and when Kate and Kira had come back into the room, they hadn't bothered to turn them on.

They snuggled into their borrowed blankets on the floor.

"G'night," Kira said.

"'Night," Kate replied.

There was a paused, only broken by the wispy sound of their breathing.

"I'm sorry I'm so overprotective and ssstuff. I'm jussst…afraid…ssomething bad will happen to you."

"I'm sorry I scared you."

There was a pause.

"And don't worry about that crying thing. Even though you cry a lot, I think you're really brave anyway."

"I'm not . . . but thanks, anyway."

"Yesss you are, and your welcome."

"You're really brave, too, you know."

"I know," Kira said matter-of-factly, and Kate grinned in the dark.

There was a long pause, and Kate's eyelids started to grow heavy. She thought Kira had drifted off, but Kira proved her wrong by speaking again.

"Kate?"

A sleepy pause. "Yeah?"

"I…never told anyone about my parents fighting before…I've never really told anyone anything about me before…"

With that, Kate heard the blanket rustle as Kira turned over. She was snoring soundly within seconds.

As Kate lay there in the dark, the homesickness and worry that made her want to cry was overridden by a sense of…

What exactly? It certainly wasn't happiness. There were too many horrible, scary things in her life at the moment.

But she wasn't as sad as she would have normally been when lying in a dark, strange place, far from home, trying to fall asleep.

"I'm sorry I'm so overprotective and ssstuff. I'm jussst…afraid…ssomething bad will happen to you."

"And don't worry about that crying thing. Even though you cry a lot, I think you're really brave anyway."

"I…never told anyone about my parents fighting before…I've never really told anyone anything about me before…"

Kate knew, of course, that that was Kira's own dysfunctional way of saying, "You're my best friend."

She smiled, and then drifted off into a surprisingly peaceful sleep.

*****

The next morning, they snuck out for breakfast--together this time.

Following closely behind Jess and Kat--who were again going to breakfast in an 'I just happen to be walking to breakfast at the same time as you, but that's just because there isn't another way to get to the eating hall' kind of way, of course.

"Oh, that's where I went wrong! I went left when I…um…shouldn't have," Kate whispered occasionally, as Kira, ignoring the weird looks she was getting from Jess and Kat, scribbled a map back to the dorms on a piece of paper she'd borrowed. Once they made it to the cafeteria, Kira folded the map up securely and stuck it in the pocket of her tight jeans.

"Okay, if we just ssstay away from the ssstaff table, we should be fine," Kira whispered, peeking out from behind a student, looking for said table.

"Roger that. Operation 'Avoid Certain Death' is a go," Kate muttered.

"Um, excuse me. Would you mind walking farther away? You're stepping on my shoes."

Kira glanced at Jess, who she'd been using as a human shield, and stepped back about three inches.

"Weirdo," Jess muttered, and Kate stuck her tongue out in the universal gesture of contempt.

Kate and Kira crept silently up to a table that had not yet been beset upon by hobbits and snatched food at random before walking out in a decidedly casual manner (it wasn't a good idea to run at OFUM. It excited the minis).

"Well, that wasn't so bad," Kira said, after a few minutes of decidedly casual fastwalking back towards the dorms.

"Well yeah, we're still alive. Trade you a slice of bacon for your apple," Kate said.

"Alright," Kira replied, "If you throw in that muffin, it's a deal."

"Done," Kate handed over the victuals, and obtained the fruit. She had just bit into it when she was knocked over by a student, running down the hall like every mini-balrog in OFUM was on their tails. Kira checked quickly to make sure that this wasn't so, and helped Kate up.

"Hey! What's that rush?" Kate inquired snappily. She'd dropped her apple bite-side down on the floor.

"Hide me!" the girl wailed, trying to conceal herself behind Kira. She was holding something that was not entirely unlike a pair of briefs and looking utterly terrified. "I'm dead meat!"

Kira stared at the things that were not quite entirely unlike men's underpants. "What are those?"

"Haldir's…um…undergarments," The girl whimpered, looking around with wide, terrified eyes.

Kira stared some more. "Haldir's underwear? You stole Haldir's underwear?"

"Elves wear briefs?" Kate wondered.

"How did you get them? Wait, I don't think I want to know," Kira muttered. "Might incriminate me."

"Who cares? Miss Cam is coming!" the girl hissed, wringing the March-warden's underpants nervously.

Kira made a choking sound and Kate dropped her apple again.

"Miss Cam?" they echoed in horrified tones.

Something echoed down the hall, just around the corner. The three girls jumped and stared towards the noise.

The sound came again, not loud, but horribly clear in Kate and Kira's adrenaline-flushed minds. The girl with Haldir's underpants squealed in terror and turned to run.

The sound came again. And again.

It was the sound of footsteps.

And not just any footsteps.

They were the footsteps of an angry Miss Cam, and by association…the Footsteps of Imminent Doom.