We no own, you no sue,
Good for us, better for you.

(Why? Because all you'll get is some lint and old gum wrappers. That's why.)

Lord of the Rings and characters belongs to the awe-inspiring author that created them, J.R.R. Tolkien, and to whoever he sold the rights to (but mostly to him.) We're just borrowing it for our sick, twisted pleasure.

Mini Balrogs, Miss Cam, Lina, Legolas Lusters, Frodo Fanciers, Sam Stampeders, Nuzguls, Urple, and the Paddle of Canon Accuracy are all references to The Official Fanfiction University of Middle Earth, by Camilla Sandman, probably the most kickarse LotR fanfic in all of fanficdom ^_^

*****

Suedom

by Andy and Saphie

Chapter Two: Things Get Weird

"We flew in on magical, imaginary dragons! Why didn't we figure it out sooner? We might as well have fallen onto Gandalf's lap during the Council of Elrond..." Kira sobbed.

"WHO'S WRITING THIS?!" Kate screamed at the sky.

Then seeing the reflection of her face in the lake, she stopped dead.

"I don't know!" Kira cried. "But they're obviously out to get us!"

Then she saw Kate stop. Her face was turned away.

"What? What do you see in the water? Don't tell me it's the Watcher! I hope the canon isn't that screwed up!!"

Kate just kept staring. She was silent. Kira looked at her fearfully.

"What? What is it?!"

Kate finally spoke, and horror was in her voice. "Duuuuuuude, Boromir's gonna try and rape us, Legolas is gonna try and snog us, the PPC are gonna KILL us…"

"What?!"

"Checking to see if they altered my physical aspects. I don't want a large chest," Kate said, fearfully peering over the water, trying to see her whole reflection.

Kira got up and ran over to the shore. She saw her own reflection.

Her scream was a scream that cannot be translated into written language. It was an un-scream. A beyond-scream. A scream that had gone through all the unimaginable horrors of the world and come shrieking, screeching, wailing, and yelping back.

Kate wailed as well.

Very loudly.

For a very long time.

"I LOOK LIKE NAGA!" she sobbed when she was through. "I WANT MY HAIR BACK!" She grabbed a fistful of hair that was even longer than her own.

Kira looked up and saw someone unrecognizable standing where Kate had just been standing.

She was an overly voluptuous elf with bleach blonde hair and awful urpley-wilver eyes that hurt to look at, and wearing an uncomfortably tight purple dress with a neckline that dipped far too low.

"I can't breeeeeeeeeath!" the elf gasped. "How 'm I 'sposed to ride Odorf in this dress?!” She gasped again. “How is Odorf gonna recognize meeeee?"

"Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahh! Kate?! Is that really you?!"

The elf turned. She looked like she was about to whine when she saw Kira, and the whine turned into a yelp.

Kira's hair was now raven-black, perfectly straight and down to her ankles. Her eyes were piercingly green. She had a skinny hourglass waist. Her boobs, of course, were ginormous, as obvious by the nearly-lack of neckline and what apparently was a push-up bra. The dress she was wearing was pink, and had far too many laces and ruffles.

It was embroidered with sequins.

"It'sss pink! PINK!!" Kira whined. "And the author made my dressss tacky! It hass ssequinssss!!"

Bilbo still kept staring, glassy-eyed and drooling.

"Wait, what'sssss going on?!" Kira said. "Why am I ssssspeaking like thissssss?"

"I DUNNO!" Kate shouted. "AND I DUN THINK I WANNA!" She wondered for a brief second why her voice was now an octave higher.

Kira looked at her hands and feet, and was horrified to see that they had changed…

She shrieked again.

Kate held her hands over her ears. "Why couldn't I have been a hobbit?! I like hobbits! I have naturally big feet! YOU'RE HURTING MY EARS!"

Kira's fingers and toes were long, skinny, clammy, and sinuous. Made for gripping and grabbing…strangling and throttling. It was obvious as to what character she had gotten those hands from—painfully obvious.

As if to prove it, the words of the Author echoed in their thoughts.

--'I am losssst! Can you help me?' asked Arintalerthirialimsilira, shaking her head of gorgeous raven hair. The half-human, half-gollum...--

"HALF-GOLLUM?! I'M HALF-GOLLUM?!!"

Kate blinked in surprise. Then she shrieked in utter disgust.

"How can anyone be half-gollum?” Kira whimpered. “He'd have to…ew. Oh God, ew.” She shuddered. “Gollum hassss a girlfriend!!"

They heard the words of the Author yet again.

-- "Yes, please do assist us, kind sir . . " said Fishywishylishiel, the stunningly, breath-takingly beautiful elf said in her lovely soprano voice. . .--

Kate patted Kira on the back. "It's okay. I feel your pain, non-daughter of Gollum."

"No you don’t! It’s horrible!! You get to be an Elf, my precioussss!!"

"Yeah, but I'm probably like…the daughter of Galadriel and Elrond or something!" Kate exclaimed, shuddering.

But Kira hadn't heard her. She just blinked and tried to remember what she had just said.

Did I just…?

"What's going on? My precioussssss…"

"I DON'T KNOOOOW!" Kate cried.

"I can't ssssssay a ssssssssentence without hissssing or sssssssaying my preciousssss at the end!! My precioussssss…GRRRRR! My preciousssss…"

It was just then that Bilbo, overcome by Kate's feminine charms, tried to tackle her.

"EEK!" She stepped aside, and carried by his own momentum, Bilbo went flying into the water.

"How could it get any worse then thisssss? My preciousssss…" Kira wailed despondently.

–Suddenly…--

Kate perked up, eyes narrowing. "I have a feeling something else is going to happen…"

"Well, hello there. Are you beautiful damsels in need of assistance?"

Kate whimpered. "I don't even wanna know who this is…"

Kate and Kira turned around to see a large group of water-bedraggled dwarves standing behind them. The most noble-looking of the dwarves, undoubtedly Thorin Oakenshield, stepped forward and knelt.

"I would gladly give up all the riches I'm destined to gain in my return Under the Mountain, if I could only have one of you beautiful damsels to grace me with their beauty until the end of my days."

"Hey they're mine!" Bilbo cried, dragging himself out of the lake. He leapt forward brandishing Sting.

Kate turned back. "NOOO! MY FUTURE STEP FATHER IN LAW IS GONNA DIE!"
The dwarves and Bilbo all fought with each-other while Kira looked on. Kate had already started to run away, but was debating on turning back. In the meantime, Kira had started to stare at the dwarves and Bilbo oddly. Her eyes glazed over. She was just about to curtsy when Kate came running back to save Bilbo.

"Um…stop fighting?" Kate asked politely.

The dwarves and the hobbit all abruptly stopped. But then something happened that Kate didn't expect.

"I would be honored to accompany all of you back to the Lonely Mountain," Kira—no Arintalerthirialimsilira—said, with a curtsy.

"AAAUGH! NOOOO! KIRA, DON'T GO OVER TO THE DARK SIDE!" She screamed, and tackled Kira, pushing her into the lake. The dwarves pulled her out, and in perfect Mary-sue style, Kira emerged perfectly clean and dry. Then they grabbed her hand, and they all started skipping off, while a horrified (and wet) Kate watched on.

"Hi-Ho! Hi-Ho! It's off to work we go!" The dwarves sang.

"NOOOOO!!"

The Dwarves whistled in response. "Hi-ho! hi-ho! hi-ho! HI-HO!!"

"HELP!" Kate screamed. "ODORF! JAY! ACACIA! ANYONE! HELP MEE!" The dwarves and Kira disappeared through the trees and were out of sight before Kate even blinked.

"KIRA!" she cried. "Where are you? Come back! Don’t leave me here!"

But no one responded. She dropped to her knees in despair.

They were gone. Kira was gone. Brainwashed into character. And she was in a different world, trapped in a different body, with assassins out there that would kill her if they found her. Alone. She was completely alone.

"What am I gonna do?" she murmured to herself in despair.

A change seemed to come upon her very quickly. She clenched her fists determinedly, and gritted her teeth.

There was only one thing she could do…

She sat on the ground and burst into tears.

*****

A good half-hour later, Kate was walking around in a circle aimlessly, trying to figure out what to do. Crying, while extremely therapeutic, was not going to bring Kira back. Nor was it going to help Kate find her.

It also wasn’t going to help her get back home. The god-like power thing had been fun for a while, but getting trapped as Mary Sues in Middle-Earth?

I’d rather be home watching TV, thank you very much.

Now, she just had to figure out how to find Kira, get her unbrainwashed, and go back home. It couldn't be that hard. It had been pretty easy to get here, after all.

Kate's thoughts were abruptly interrupted as there was an odd flapping noise, and a gust of wind behind her.

WHUMP.

"Snerk."

Kate whirled around

"RINCEWIND!"

There the urple dragon stood, and Kate was glad her sunglasses hadn't fallen off in the water or disappeared when her clothes had changed. He was as bright as ever.

"I know what you’re thinking. Forget it. She's brainwashed. Her will wasn't strong enough to withstand the Authors. Probably because she was wounded…"

"It was awful!" Kate sobbed. Then she stopped. "Hey, wait a minute…HOW DID YOU KNOW IT WAS ME?!"

Rincewind ignored the question. "You might as well leave her behind. You have a job to do."

"I was under the impression that I was unemployed." Kate sniffled. "And I'm not leaving Kira! I'm going to save her!" she said, clenching her fists and looking determined, although her quivering lower lip rather ruined the effect.

"And what a fine job you're doing of it." Rincewind sneered. "You have a mission then. A quest. A thi—damn, I almost quoted a line from the movie." The dragon sighed. "It’s happening already…The canon is almost screwed up beyond repair. Mary-Sues are popping up everywhere and in some cases innocent girls are being sucked into the torturous stories…"

"So I figured. HOW DID YOU KNOW IT WAS ME?"

"Why wouldn't I? You have to same annoyingly good personality."

"Oh!" Kate brightened up somewhat. "Thank you!"

"I hate goodie-goodies…"

Kate glared.

"Of course, that's how I ended up here in the first place…Well, sort of, anyway..."

"Why didn't you help Kira?" Kate asked. "You should have tried to catch her!" she said stamping her foot down for emphasis.

"You've been reading too much Anne McCaffrey," Rincewind said. "I'm not some goody-two-shoes-Pernese, you know."

"So I gathered," Kate muttered. "And where's Odorf? And…who is writing this?!"

Rincewind smirked.

"I'm suspicious of you!"

"Odorf got captured by the PPC."

"OH NO!" Kate gasped.

"Those tranquilizers are a bitch…" Rincewind mused.

"They’ll kill him!" Kate cried mournfully.

"They won't."

"He won’t talk to them and they’ll stick an arrow through his stomach! Or between his eyes! Ohhh,” she moaned. “Not my dragon, please!"

"They'll just try to return him to his ‘native habitat.’ A fairy-tale world, or something of the like. Maybe they'll think he's Pernese, he's irritatingly good enough for it…"

"But they can't return him without me! I'm his RIDER! I imagined him up!" Kate sniffled.

"You're just a Mary-Sue in their eyes. You know that the PPC are ruthless. They shoot first and don't even bother asking questions later. That's the problem…"

Kate bit her lower lip. "You don't think they'll…kill Odorf, do you? I mean, they eat dragons and they killed that other Sue's dragon once…"

"Who cares about the dragon!" Rincewind snapped. "There are innocent girls out there being turned into Mary-Sues and getting killed by the PPC. You're not the only one! And although I think it's funny, personally, the 'Powers that Be,' the 'Music of the Spheres,' and all that mumbo-jumbo don't really have a sense of humor. So they sent me."

"But you're evil!" Kate pouted. "And I want my dragon back! And I don’t want to be a Mary Sue!"

"Yes, yes I am evil and if it were up to me, I'd just leave you here as a Mary-Sue to be snogged to death, or shot to death by the PPC, but unfortunately I'm forced to do otherwise," Rincewind muttered, sounding very glum as it said this. The dragon coughed suggestively. "This is the part where you ask me what I am…"

"What are you?” Kate asked warily. “How'd you get into a dragon shell?"

"Long story…I used to be a girl once…"

"A girl? I thought you were male!"

The dragon thought carefully for a moment. "I think I'm androgynous right now. Anyway, I was human. A fanfic writer, like you and your friend."

"Really?" Kate's eyes widened.

"I was the most prolific fanfic writer ever…"

"What did you write?"

"I was the first to write an AU, the first to write a songfic, the first to write a Lord of the Rings fanfic, even. Then I had my most brilliant idea ever…"

Kate gasped. "You didn't…"

"'What if a pretty chick was in the story? You know?' Is what I thought. It would be cool, I thought…"

"You didn’t! You…you just DIDN'T!! Did you slander Frodo? You better not have!"

"I just wanted a character like me, except, well, I wanted her to be better…I never meant to hurt anybody…well, actually, I don't really care…and I guess I hurt them pretty bad." The dragon smirked. With all those pointy teeth, it was a rather disturbing expression.

"Darn right you did!"

"I wrote the very first Mary-sue. Ever."

Kate glared murderously. "Then YOU started all this."

Rincewind sighed, and seemed almost sincere for a moment. "I guess—I guess I'm sorry. I never meant for it to turn into this…I never meant for it to actually affect Middle-Earth. I never meant for innocent people to get sucked in…and then the PPC came along, and what I’d created became…deadly."

Kate sighed. She was a forgiving person by nature, and Rincewind did look (somewhat) sorry. "By the way, should I be calling you Rincewind?"

"No. Call me…call me…Damn, I can't even remember my real name…" The dragon shook its urple head sorrowfully.

"I could name you!" Kate offered.

"No, I want to find my own name. When all this is through…See, when the "Powers that Be" realized what I had done they decided a punishment for me."

"I see."

"They reincarnate me into new beings, and then I help stop Mary-Sues in whatever way I can." Rincewind continued. She paused and sighed. "Ever since the Mary Sues started getting souls put in them, it’s been nonviolent ways," she added. Kate gave a sigh of audible relief, but Rincewind didn't seem to notice.

"That's fitting," Kate said, waiting for the urple dragon to continue.

"Every time I die, normally while trying to stop an out-of-control Mary-Sue, I get reincarnated into something else. This time I was a dragon."

"That sound like fun!" Kate said, smiling at the thought of being a dragon. She was quite surprised when Rincewind rounded on her.

"Are you crazy?!" Rincewind shouted, "I haven't been a human in centuries!! I forgot my own name and what I looked like!"

"Oh," Kate said in a small voice, trying very hard not to imagine how much the six inch teeth Rincewind was brandishing at her would hurt if the dragon lost it's temper. "Yeah, that probably isn't much fun…"

"I've always been orcs or balrogs or anything that can kill a Sue," Rincewind said, calming down a bit.

"That sucks," Kate said, but in all honesty she was thinking about how cool it would be to be a balrog. Suddenly an insistent thought edged in on her fantasies of how easily you could char people you didn't like if you were a fiery demon cloaked in shadow, and Kate frowned.

"Wait, how can you have been doing this for centuries if you wrote the first LotR fanfic?" she asked, looking suspiciously at Rincewind.

"I get reborn over and over," Rincewind explained. "At any time in Middle-Earth's history. Normally I die pretty quick though, so I don't get many years in. Technically, I wrote the fic a few decades ago, but I keep ‘recycling’ through time so for me it's been centuries." She paused and shook her head. "I don't know why I was born a dragon this time...It makes no sense."

"Maybe it was to help us?" Kate suggested.

"Maybe. All I know is that you two are different from the other Sues. The other ones normally go along willingly. Even if they resist at first, they give in eventually. They love Middle-Earth or at least, lust after the characters so much that they get brainwashed into character easily. You two are different."

"Kira was different!" Kate corrected, and started to wail again. Rincewind grumbled.

"She only gave in because she was injured, and because her Sue’s the spawn of Gollum and half-gone anyway," she explained, hoping Kate would quit blubbering.

"How do we save her?" Kate sniffled, wiping her eyes and trying very hard not to think of what had to happen for Gollum to have a spawn. "And where are the PPC? I'd like to know where they are so that they can't ambush me and shoot me any time soon." She didn't much relish the thought of suddenly finding an arrow through her chest.

"They're in Rivendell. We have a shitload of Sues coming in," Rincewind informed her.

"Okay…and unless this world is more screwed up than I think, we're in…Lake-town." Kate said, trying to stay calm.

"The PPC will be distracted for awhile. As for saving Kira, you're going to have to figure it out on your own, if it can be done at all. Her will's strong, but she might not be able to hold out against the idiosyncrasies of her character," Rincewind said, and paused to look around. "Plus you don't even know where she went. Personally, I'd forget about her."

"No way! She's my friend!" Kate protested. "And…and…" She sniffled, and her sniffle became an all out sob. "I CAN'T DO THIS ALONE!" she wailed despondently.

"Oh, stop crying! That's so Sue-ish!" Rincewind snapped. Kate reflected that making a lot of noise probably wasn't a good idea, since it might have drawn slandered characters to her.

"Sorry," she apologized. "I…I cry too much anyway."

"Whatever. You and Kira—provided that you can save her—might be able to change this. You might be able to stop it for good," Rincewind said.

"I hope so."

"You're the only ones who have ever resisted before," Rincewind continued.

"Really?" Kate said, grinning slightly. "We're special! Spiffy!"

"Well," Rincewind considered. "Almost. There was one that the PPC recruited, I think. I couldn’t get to her to ask her help though, and I was an orc at the time anyway, so she would have probably not even listened to me. There was one other, as well, I think her name was Tina or something," Rincewind continued. "She had some fight in her, but I never quite got to her. I was stuck as an orc in Moria at the time, fending off another Sue and trying to send the girl playing it home. That’s when all the trouble started, and the human souls started getting trapped in the Mary Sues’ bodies." The dragon heaved a giant shrug. "Anyway, in my current state I can't just waltz over to the PPC and tell them to stop doing what they're doing, and I never did it before because we didn't know that real people were being killed, not until recently, anyway, so that means you're the only ones who can stop…IT."

Kate blinked.

"So…I get to have an adventure?" She asked, looking excited. "I get to be a hero?"

Rincewind ignored her. "The stories shouldn't be affecting Middle-Earth directly. Something is acting as a bridge between the worlds, allowing the stories written in Earth to affect Middle-Earth's reality. You have to find it. And destroy it. So far, ‘The Powers that Be’ have figured out that it's mostly in Middle-Earth, rather than in Earth, but they can't pinpoint where. That's for you guys to figure out."

Kate abruptly stopped grinning.

"After you save Kira and your dragon and while avoiding the PPC the entire time, of course," Rincewind added.

Kate stared. "So, basically, I'm running around Middle Earth, looking for a bridge. But I don't know what it looks like, I don't know where it is, and meanwhile I also have to save my friend from Suedom and rescue my dragon without getting killed by the PPC. Is that it?"

Rincewind smirked. "Don't forget the slandered, love-crazed, characters."

Kate groaned.

"Have fun," Rincewind said evilly.

"Oh well," Kate sighed, trying her best to be resigned to her fate. "Better go to the Lonely Mountain. Kira's probably upstaging Bard about now."

"Oh yeah, you might find an ally in Gimli, if you find him. He's normally unaffected by Sue authors, being ugly and all." Rincewind added. Kate perked up considerably.

"Spiffy. I like Gimli," she said. "'Sue authors don't appreciate him enough.

"Plus, dwarves are naturally harder to sway than the other races. Although an Author got to the dwarves that dragged Kira off, apparently…" The urple dragon flapped her enormous wings and jumped into the air. "Good luck. I'll be around. I have some reconnaissance to do. I’m going to be looking for the Bridge from the air. I’ll contact you later. Good luck." She flew off, grumbling about having to help people. Kate watched the urple speck that was the evil dragon fly away, and started off in what she hoped was the direction Kira and the Dwarves had gone. A few minutes later, she realized she had begun to nance, and stopped abruptly.

"Walk," she ordered herself. "Waaaaaalk."'

The scenery seemed to be going by very fast. Disconcertingly fast. Kate stopped and looked back in the direction she'd come from. The Lake was a glittering splotch that was already miles away.

“Weird,” she said, wide-eyed. Then again, all Mary Sues seemed to be able to get from place to place far faster than they should have been able to. She shrugged it off and continued on her way. To her astonishment, after only five minutes of walking, she had reached the base of the Lonely Mountain.

“Okay, this is seriously wrong,” she murmured.

Upon arrival she was treated to a rather disturbing sight; Kira was dancing in her Mary Sue body. Surrounding her was a ring of men and dwarves. They were hooting and whistling. Kate clenched her perfect, white hands in fury, took off at a run, and tackled Kira mid-sashay.

"GOLLUM IS NASTY! REMEMBER?!" she shrieked, but Kira only started to sing.

"Someday my Prince will come…" she warbled. Her perfect voice faltered only when Kate slapped her hand over her mouth.

"Keep your half-stoor-like mouth shut and SNAP OUT OF IT! The Writer has power over you!" Kate yelled, but Kira only shoved her off with Sue-induced strength and resumed dancing. Kate grumbled, dusted off her protective Mary Sue barrier, and took a closer look at the group around them.

There were the Dwarves, the Dragon (who had now apparently turned to the side of good due to Kira's charming Mary Sue ways), Bilbo, and the men of Lake-town. The males all looked like they were ready to tackle Kira and snog her…or worse.

"The hillsssss are alive, with the ssssssound of mussssic…" Kira sang, and the males sighed longingly. Kate jumped in front of them, glaring at them fiercely. She waved her hands at them.

"CLEAR OFF, YOU!" she shouted, but the males just stared at her beautiful Elven hands. And other areas. Kate raised her perfectly plucked eyebrow in disgust and turned her attention to Kira.

"Uh…uh…KIRA!" she yelled, trying to think of ways to bring Kira out of the writer’s control. "Remember the…remember the…uh…cheese? How evil ff.net is? Rincewind? Who, incidentally, isn't a dragon…"

"Cheessssse?" Kira asked.

"CHEESE!" Kate cried happily, but the males abruptly cried out at Kira's lack of song.

"Sing for us please?" they begged, but Kate glared at them again.

"SHE'S NOT SINGING ANYMORE!" she shouted, but to her dismay, Kira resumed.

"I'm a sssssslave for you!!" she 'sang', if you could call it that, crawling on the ground seductively. The males around her cheered and whooped.

"AAAAAAAAUGH! MY EARS! THEY BLEEEEED!" Kate screamed, in utter agony. She ran over to Kira and slapped her. "SNAP OUT OF IT!"

"What?" Kira said, blinking. "Huh?"

"You're being Sue-ish!" Kate yelled, shaking her.

"I'm a—a sssslave? For you!" Kira warbled, and started singing again.

"MY EARS!" Kate screamed, when suddenly she heard a voice in her head.

>((Remind her of what she loved about being a canon purist.))>

"Huh?" Kate removed her hands from her ears and blinked. "Rincewind?"

>((Apparently dragons have telepathy.))> Rincewind 'said.' >((Believe me, it surprised me, too. But that's not the point. Make her remember the stories. What's that story with the university and mini-balrogs? Make her remember things she loves. You have to try harder...not that I care or anything...stupid goodie-goodies…wait, did I think that out loud? Snerk.))>

"Stuff it, you," Kate said sharply, and dredged up all of the fanfiction lore she could recall at the moment. "Remember Mini Balrogs? Remember Miss Cam? Remember urple?" she said, trying to stir Kira's Rememberia membrane.

"M-ii-ssss Cam?" Kira said, her eyes wide.

"Yeah!" Kate cried happily. The men roared behind them, but Kira ignored them.

"Mini-balrogsssss?" she paused, her face screwed up in thought. "Every name missssspelled in Ringssss, a mini-Balrog getsssss itssss wingsssss...what doesssss that mean? where are thessssse thoughtsssss coming from?"

"YES!" Kate cried, grinning from pointy ear to pointy ear. It was working!

"Coffee...elixir of life...edible black gold..." Kira muttered.

"Once upon a time, there was an ugly barnacle. He was so ugly…" Kate said.

"That everyone died! The End!" Kira finished.

"YES YES YES THAT'S IT!" Kate shrieked triumphantly.

"And the Lumberjack sssssong!" Kira added.

"I'm a Lumberjack and I'm okay, I sleep all night and I work all day!" Kate sang happily. This caused the males to whoop, which in turn caused Kate to glare at them and yell "STUFF IT, YOU!" at the top of her perfectly pitched voice.

"Monty Python!! I remember Monty Python! And my friendsssss, and the Internet and watching Moviessss!!! And Missssssss Cam! Lina and Gimli! Nuzgulsssss!! Legolasssss Lustersssss!! URPLE!!!"

"Frodo Fanciers!" Kate interjected, naming the group she'd most likely be part of if she ever ended up going to OFUM.

"SSAM SSTAMPEDERSSS!!! I REMEMBER!!" Kira yelled.

"YAY!" Kate cheered. "Now what’s your name?"

"I'm Arintalerthirialimssssssssilira."

Kate slapped her forehead and groaned. "You’re Kira! And we're stuck as Sues in Middle-Earth! Fight it! Don’t give in to the evil! Remember the paddle! You're KIRA!"

"Wait, body-slamming mini-Balrogsss!! The Paddle of Canon Accuracy! " Kira said, her eyes widening with fear. "AAAAAAAGHHHH!! OKAY, OKAY, I'M KIRA! I don't wanna get thwopped!"

By this time, the males were starting to look very angry that Kira had ceased in serenading them.

"YOU! Go away!" Kate shouted, but the males only drooled. Kate sighed.

"I have an idea," she said.

"I have one too. Run!" Kira said.

"They'll be faster than us, most likely," Kate reminded her.

"Craptacular. What do we do? I don't wanna get ssnogged!!" Kira moaned. But Kate was no longer next to her. Instead, she was walking up to the males, all of whom were giggling stupidly.

"All of you are just sooooooo sexy!" Kate said, smiling sweetly.

"Huh?" Kira scratched her head. "Isn't that gonna make things worse?"

Kate continued, ignoring Kira. "Why don't you all just go on up to your houses like good little boys, and we'll just be there in a minute to…" she broke off and started to whisper X-rated things in the vicinity of the males that made her very queasy indeed. They caused the males’ eyes to grow very large.

Kate winked alluringly.

"Now get going!" she ordered, and the men obediently ran off. As they disappeared in their houses, Kate dropped her sickly sweet smile and shuddered.

"Genius. Pure genius," Kira said with admiration.

"That was disgusting," Kate said, looking sick. " I never want to do that again."

"It was genius," Kira insisted. Kate grinned a bit.

"It was, wasn't it?" she said, and dropped her smile. "Let's go before they figure out it was a trick." She started to run like a maniac. Kira followed after her in an even more maniacal fashion. They paused only to untangle their hair from low branches.

"Their wivess are gonna be ssoooo mad,” Kira gasped.

“Oh Great Goddess on a Stick, we’re gonna have the wives on our tails too! I didn’t think of that!” Kate moaned, puffing for breath. She was never much of a distance runner.

“Hee hee hee…ow!” Kira laughed, and she came to a halt. She started puffing. “Running is bad.”

Kate stopped too, gasping. “What happened?”

“Shoulder,” Kira said. “My shoulder didn’t hurt while I was brainwashed but it hurts again. Ow.”

“Go figure,” Kate muttered. “So where are we now? By the way, I probably ought to tell you what Rincewind—”

“Doesn’t matter where we are,” Kira interrupted, as an angry mob of what looked like wives holding pitchforks suddenly came racing up behind them. “We better get someplace else. RUN!”

“GREAT GODDESS ON A STICK!” Kate screamed, and started running like her life depended on it…which it probably did.

Kira lagged behind, and, in typical Mary Sue fasion, tripped gracefully. She tried to call out to Kate, but the wind had been knocked out of her.

“Do not nance, do not nance, do not…” Kate was muttering to herself when she noticed Kira was no longer following. “Ack!” She was about to run back and help Kira up when a heroic, masculine voice suddenly rang out from the trees.

“Fear not, fair damsels!” it said. “I shall rescue you!”

“Whuh-oh,” Kira muttered.

“Hooboy,” Kate sighed.

Thwip! An arrow came whizzing out from the foliage and hit the ground in front of the mob of wives. An amazingly attractive blonde elf jumped down from the trees and began rapidly shooting arrows at the rampaging wives. He didn’t hit anyone, but he certainly scared them enough to make them retreat.

“AAAGH! No, not him! Anyone but him!” Kira cried, standing up. Kate put her head in her hands and moaned.

“He WOULD appear, wouldn’t he?”

*****

(A/N: MUAHAHA! What will happen to our *cough*heroes*cough* next? Who is the handsome elf?

If you can’t guess that, you’re a very sad Fan of the Ring.)