Disclaimer: Still don’t own anything except for Kate and Kira and a few other random things. LotR still belongs to
Tolkien Enterprises, NewLine Cinema, whoever. OFUM
belongs to the inestimable Camilla Sandman, our lovely webhost
(and is being used with her permission). HFA, the
Ooh, also, thank you for the lovely feedback last chapter, and letting
us know what you thought of the excursion to OFUM! {huggles reviewers} You guys are the best!
*****
by Andy and Saphie
and the
Art of Elven
Groin-Kicking
*****
Miss Cam, the fearsome course coordinator of OFUM, swept down one of the
university's many halls with her eyes narrowed dangerously. She wasn't sure how
anyone had gotten past the minis long enough to actually steal a staff member’s
piece of property, but the crime was certainly not going to go unpunished. The
hall appeared to be completely empty, and the lack of hiding spaces made her
certain that nobody beside herself was there, unless a
student had been eating Gandalf's cooking again. Given the temperamental nature
of the Maia's (loosely-termed) food, though,
invisibility was a relatively unlikely side effect, and she ruled the
possibility out (for now).
There were a few noises from behind the only door in the hall, and Miss Cam
reached consideringly towards the handle. However she
thought better of it, and continued down the hall, with a small, evil smile on
her face.
Nobody in any state of mind would hide in that room, even if their life
depended on it.
Behind the door, Kira and Kate were finding out just
why.
"Aaahbaa what the heeaaaa..."
Kate babbled inanely, eyes widening in fear.
"Oh shit," Kira observed.
"And just who are you?" a
very angry Lord Elrond asked, looking altogether stately and terrifying in
elegant robes of Elvish design.
"Aaaauhi'mkate," Kate mumbled, looking like
a deer caught in the headlights of an 18-wheeler.
"Terrified," Kira said, looking
appropriately afflicted.
"Fascinating. And what are you doing here?"
"Uh, learning?" Kate tried.
"Yeah, that," Kira added.
Elrond smiled. It was a very scary smile.
"Well then." He turned away. "Class," he addressed the
students, who were looking eager for the sight of people other than them
getting hammered by Lord Elrond. "It appears your ranks have swelled by
two. Please welcome Miss Kate, and Miss Terrified." The class, being used
by now to unusual names, barely snickered. Barely.
The only seats available were right in the middle of the class, as the ones up
front were taken up by Elrond-lusters and the ones in
the back were occupied by those who feared him.
The
two sat down and tried to look as inconspicuous as possible.
It
wasn't working. Elrond was staring at them.
"I
think he'sss
sssussspiciousss of usss,"
Kira whispered.
"I think the 'oh good we're safe from Miss Cam in he--urk!'
comment clued him in," Kate replied, hoping to every god that she'd ever
read about that they were quiet enough so Elrond couldn't hear them with his
sensitive Elven ears.
He could--which explained the slightly evil grin on Elrond's face across the
classroom. It didn't matter that he wasn't sure what he was supposed to be
suspicious of them for, it was the simple fact that they had something to fear
being suspected of that made them..."teachable." The Elf Lord leaned
forward, hands on his desk.
"Could someone tell me how many magic Rings were created?"
“Ooh!”
An Elf in front raised her hand. Elrond ignored it.
"Anyone?"
“Ooh!
Ooh!” The Elf (who was an Elrond-luster) waved her hand vigorously.
“Anyone?”
“Ooh!
Oh! I know the answer!!” The Elf was bouncing up and down in her seat so much
she was nearly falling to the floor.
"No
one knows?"
“I
know it! I know it!” The Elf looked like she was having convulsions now.
He
turned and stared at Kira. "What about you, Miss
Terrified? Do you know how many magic Rings there are?"
"Er…" Kira muttered,
twitching slightly in fear. She knew the answer, of course, but students in
OFUM rarely seemed to know anything, so she was torn between playing dumb or
saying the correct answer. However, the correct answer and all the rest of Lord
of the Rings canon was ingrained so deeply in her mind that she couldn't really
help but answer correctly.
And
she couldn't help but do it in verse, too.
"'Three Ringssss for
the Elven-kingsss under the sssky,
Sssseven for the Dwarf-lordsss in their hallsss of ssstone,
Nine for Mortal Men doomed to die,
One for the Dark Lord on his dark throne
In the
One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them,
One Ring to bring them all and in the darknessss bind them
In the
She
stopped and stared at Elrond, trembling timidly.
"So,
um, twenty," she added.
Maybe
if she and Kate got the answers right, Elrond would leave them alone. She
hoped.
There
was the slightest flicker of abashment that showed on the Elf Lord's face, but
he quickly concealed it.
"Who
created the Rings?"
"Ssauron
and the Elves of Eregion created most of the Ringss. Celebrimbor created the
three Elven Ringss," she said, and then quickly
added; "though Ssssauron created the One Ring
entirely by himsself. In ssecret."
A
single black eyebrow arched on Elrond's face. "What is inscribed on the
One Ring?"
"'Asssh nazg durbatuluk, asssh nazg gimbatul, asssh nazg thrakatuluk
agh burzum-issshi krimpatul.'"
Both
eyebrows were now arched.
The
rest of the class looked on, intrigued. They had never seen anyone hold their
own against Elrond's intense questioning before…
Elrond
turned to Kate. "And what does that mean, Miss Kate?"
"Um. 'One Ring to rule them all, one Ring to find them, One
Ring to bring them all--"
Elrond
cut her off. "What are all the
names and titles of Aragorn?"
"Aragorn,
Elessar, Elfstone, Estel, Hope, Thorongil, Wingfoot, Chieftain of the Dunedain,
Dunadan, Envinyatar, the Renewer, King of the West, Strider, Telcontar--"
She said tapping her fingers.
Elrond
interrupted again. "What are all the
names of
"Um…Adanedhel, Agarwaen,
Bloodstained, Dread Helm, Gorthol, Neithan, Mormegil, Wildman of the Woods, The
Wronged, Bane of Glaurung, The Black Sword, Turambar--"
He
turned back to Kira, the cunningest
of glints in his eye. "What are the names of the hobbits?" he asked
languidly, a smile curling at the corners of his mouth.
There
were murmurs of confusion from the rest of the class.
Why
had he asked that? Almost everyone knew the hobbits' names, and those that
hadn’t had been quickly set straight upon their arrival to OFUM. Their correct
spellings were a different story, and were therefore running around the school
maiming the students…
Kira thought about this for a moment. It was too
simple. Which meant it had to be a trick question. It
took her a moment to dig the answer out of the recesses of her memory, where it
had resided ever since she had read it in the Appendices of the books and on
the Internet.
"Er…Maura Labingi, Banazir Galbasssi, Kalimac Brandagumba, and Razanar Tuk," she finally
said. "Of course that's the Westron, but if you want the English
translations…"
"That's
not their names!" a hobbit student called out, but she was quickly
silenced as Elrond turned and gave her his patented Glare o' Death™.
After
the student had sunk meekly into her seat, he turned back to the girls, and
eyed them scrutinously. "Who was the leader of
the Rohirrim who Gandalf brought as a re-enforcement
at Helms Deep?"
"OOH! OOOH! I know this one!" Kate yelled, jumping up and down.
"His name was Erkenbrand, and he was a damn sexy
man!" She grinned happily. Elrond blinked. He would normally have
reprimanded a student using the word "sexy" in his class, but he was
too shocked to, amazed that not only did she know the answer--she lusted after
it.
Completely
ignoring his lesson plans, Elrond went through question after question dredging
up some of the most obscure general knowledge references he could think of, but
to his utter shock and annoyance, they answered every question correctly.
The
only things they seemed to have trouble with were some obscure Silmarillion
references and Elvish, but both claimed they didn’t
used material from the Silmarillion or the Elvish
language in their fanfiction unless they researched
it thoroughly and got help from others that actually knew it.
Right
after Kate had answered Elrond’s question of whether or not Saruman had used
“blasting fire” at Helm’s Deep in the book, the bell
rang. He stared at the girls for a long moment, and the rest of the class
remained frozen in their seats, afraid to leave. Elrond turned and stared at
the clock on the wall.
"Very well. Class dismissed." He threw up
his hands in mock defeat.
The class started stampeding towards the door before . . .
"Homework!"
The class stopped, and groaned.
"A twenty-page essay on ‘why it is not canonically correct to have more
than twenty magic rings.' To be turned in on Monday." Elrond watched
thoughtfully as Kate and Kira scrambled out of the
classroom with the rest of the students.
In truth, he had suspected them of being Mary Sues from the moment he saw them,
but then again he'd never seen Mary Sues looking so…bedraggled. The blonde's
clothes had been burned, stretched, and torn so that the "I <3
Leggie!" inscription was barely visible, and the black-haired girl hadn't
looked entirely well. She was obviously trying to hide whatever ailed her, but
to a healer of his status and species, she clearly needed medical attention for
some reason or another. He had sensed her slightly elevated temperature and
smelled the scent of rotting flesh and herbs on her, and it disturbed him.
Injuries at OFUM could be severe, but never had any been neglected long enough
to develop an infection. To his knowledge, Mary Sues were rarely assailed by
dire (and disgusting) afflictions such as infections. And his attempts to
expose them for their lack of canon knowledge had backfired considerably,
seeing as how they were clearly reasonably knowledgeable about the details of
Middle-Earth. If they were Mary Sues as he still suspected (although he was
less sure of it now) since he'd never seen either of them before, then Miss Cam
needed to be told. After all, he thought as he headed for the door of the
classroom, being knowledgeable about canon didn't make a Mary Sue any less
conspicuous.
In fact, in his opinion, it made them more so.
*****
"Kira."
"Not
now. I'm trying to remember how to get back to the dormss,"
Kira muttered, looking at her map upside down. It
appeared that OFUM had grown another wing when she wasn't looking. And the rest
of the students had dispersed, so she had no one to ask.
"Kira, this is important," Kate insisted, tugging at
her friend's good arm.
"It
can wait a moment, I think I know where we are."
"No,
it can’t wait," Kate insisted,
tugging harder.
"I
think we go left here. Wait, where'd that wall come from?"
“I
have to go to the bathroom."
Kira arched her eyebrows. "Didn't you take care
of that earlier?"
"I
did, but I have to go again. Now," Kate insisted, looking uncomfortable.
"Can’t
you hold it?" Kira asked.
"Kira, I have digestive
problems," Kate growled, grinding her teeth together. "When I say
I need to go to the bathroom, I mean it."
"Fine! Fine! We'll find you a
bathroom," Kira muttered, rolling her eyes. At
the very least, she knew where those were.
"MOOOOOORGOTH!"
Their
eyes went wide.
“Meep!” they squeaked.
The
girls promptly ran through the door that the screaming of an evil demigod wasn't coming from.
"Morgoth, you putrescent pimple upon the face of Arda!"
"What
is it, Underlord of Evil?"
"You
know very well what I'm talking about!"
"No
really, I haven't the faintest idea what you could possibly mean, o He of
Lesser Brain Power."
"Oh, because surely you had absolutely nothing to do with the fact
that all of my armor now bears 'SAURON IS A GIT' etching all over?"
"Why,
I am shocked you would ever suspect me of such a childish prank," Morgoth
said, feigning innocence (badly).
Sauron
growled unintelligibly.
"Because if it were me, I would have highlighted it all in urple as
well."
"HEY!"
An
explosion rocked the nearby rooms and sent a dust cloud streaming through the
firmly shut door of the room in which Kate and Kira
were hiding.
"At
least we found the bathrooms," Kira said, as she
and Kate crouched underneath the sinks amidst the noise and frequent insults.
"Yeah,
but are we safe in here?" Kate wondered as another explosion made the
walls shake.
"Woo!
It must be my lucky day! Hey baby, are you tired? 'Cause it
must have been awfully hard work swimming all the way over from Valinor."
"Nope. Not safe at all," Kira grumbled.
"No
woman is safe...from the Wall of LOVE!" the wall next to them crowed.
"Bathroom!" Kate gasped suddenly,
running hurriedly into a stall.
And
outside, Morgoth and Sauron continued in their never-ending quest to beat the
snot out of each other.
*****
"Good
afternoon, Lord Elrond," Miss Cam said, as the Elf-lord walked into her
office. “Leather? Trying to torture the students by
purposefully distracting them during class today?”
"Miss
Cam," Elrond greeted the woman with a nod. "Indeed I did. However,
during class I was distracted by something unnerving myself. I need to see the
student roster."
"Certainly. Why?"
"I
believe, but I am not sure, that we have a few unregistered Mary Sues on the
premises."
Miss
Cam raised her eyebrows. "Interesting."
Luckily, OFUM's protective anti-Mary Sue barrier
nullified the effects Mary Sues had on characters, and whatever powers they
had, but a pair of them who were not regular students running around freely was
definitely not good policy.
"Two
girls I am sure I have not met before appeared in the middle of my class just a
while ago."
"Really. Were they, by any chance,
carrying a pair of underpants?" Miss Cam inquired. Elrond paused.
"...No,"
he said, "but I did question them on a few...details of Middle-Earth's
history, to see exactly what the extent of their knowledge was."
"And?"
Elrond
briefly stopped looking through the file cabinet and stared at Miss Cam.
"They got almost every single one right."
Miss
Cam paused and stared back.
“They
had some trouble with the Silmarillion, and Elvish
language, but they claimed that they did not write fanfiction
with material from either unless they researched it and talked to other writers
who knew the material better than they.”
Miss
"Indeed.
And one of them even named all four of the hobbits in the Fellowship."
"That's
not—"
"In Westron."
"Oh."
Elrond
was scanning the roster now. After a few minutes, he set it aside.
"Just
as I thought; neither of them are registered," he
stated. Miss Cam rose from her seat.
"We
need to detain them as soon as possible. The minis will have to be on their
guard. It's possible the pair were meant
for another story but accidentally ended up here. Do they have any defining
features?" she asked.
"Besides 'stunning beauty'?"
Elrond replied, rolling his eyes at the teenage human idea of 'stunning
beauty.' "The dark haired one gave her name as 'Terrified' and has a
speech impediment. Kate, the blonde, has obviously lost a fight with a
mini-Balrog and lusts after Erkenbrand."
"Erkenbrand?" Miss Cam blinked and shook her head. "That ought to be enough to go
by. I don't think we have any other Erkenbrand lusters."
She
reached into a drawer in her desk, pulled out a small black case, and opened
it. Seeing what was contained within, Elrond smiled evilly.
“Come,
Lord Elrond,” Miss Cam said, twopping
the Paddle of Canon Accuracy experimentally in the palm of her hand. “We have
some educating to do.”
*****
"All
this stress is not good for my stomach," Kate muttered, exiting one of the
stalls, quickly and silently washing her hands, and looking thoroughly
miserable as she joined Kira under the sinks again.
"Ow."
"Hey
baby, I want to ease your pain! Just because I'm a wall doesn't mean I can't
treat you right," the Witch-Wall put in.
"Oh
shut up," Kate grumbled, sitting morosely beneath the sinks as another
bang echoed outside the door.
"From
the ruins of Angmar to the Sands of Harad, we'll see it all, just the three of us...er, did I say the three of us? I meant two. Yeah. You're
the only one for me, sweetheart."
Both girls
noticed that he wasn't specifying which one of them was 'the only one.'
Suddenly
the explosions subsided, and the girls looked at each other. Someone was
speaking outside, and the girls crept to the door to listen through it.
"--if
you see them, they should be detained as soon as possible," a woman was
saying. "Elrond says they've given their names as Kate and...er...'Terrified.’"
"Urk," the girls said.
"Even
with the protective Mary Sue barrier, they could be potentially
dangerous."
"I
shall capture both and crush them like maggots beneath my feet. No one inflicts
torment upon the creatures of Arda unless I have given them permission to do
so!"
"You
will not, you disgusting piece of worm-infested maia, for it will be I, Morgoth, who brings the simpering
creatures to their knees!"
Kate
and Kira whimpered and looked at each other as the
bickering voices of the two Dark Lords became more distant as they moved away,
no doubt on their way to search the university. (It really was a great stroke
of luck that neither thought to check the bathroom they'd been fighting in
front of for the last forty-five minutes).
"Wow,
unregistered Mary Sues," the wall chattered. "That's pretty bad, you
know. Miss Cam will want to increase security around the plot-hole and
everything, the--"
"Plot-hole?" Kate wondered.
"To
HFA," the Wall went on offhandedly. "The minis will be on their guard
even more than usual; Sauron and Morgoth will fight over who gets to inflict
pain and torment upon them for all eternity..."
Kate
and Kira ignored the wall, staring at each other with
eyebrows raised. They let the former Witch-King continue to prattle while they
carefully peeked out the door to make sure neither Dark Lord was waiting for
them outside, and dashed out of the bathrooms.
And it
was about time, too. The Wall was starting to compose poetry.
If you could call it that.
*****
The
(former) Witch King of Angmar smiled (figuratively)
as the two Mary Sues, for that was obviously what they were, exited the
restroom.
With
all the mini-Balrogs after them, the Dark Lords hunting them, and Miss Cam on
their tails, they were going to need a lot of luck if they wanted to make it to
the Plot Hole alive...
How
amusing.
*****
"We
make for the plot-hole," Kira whispered as she
and Kate crept down the hall, hiding behind whatever was available. "Hogwartss Fanfiction Academy'ss probably about as sscary
as OFUM, but at least they don't know about us there yet."
"Slight
problem," Kate panted (she had just made a mad dash in front of a large
pair of doors). "We don't know where the plot-hole is."
"Yes,
there'ss that." Kira
paused. "We need to ask for directionss."
"How? Nobody's going to just give
us directions to the plot-hole. It's heavily guarded and stuff," Kate
reminded her.
"So
we'll have to be disscreet. And tricksy."
The
girls stopped at a corner to catch their breath.
"We'll
have to find some character who won't run away or issn't being trailed by a lot of miniss,"
Kira said. "Someone who—”
She
paused, as a low, gravelly sort of hum issued from around the corner, and a
very cheerful-looking Gimli walked into their line of vision, humming a snatch
of a dwarf song under his breath. Legolas, for a change, was not with him.
Kate
and Kira glanced at each other. He might have been a
different version in OFUM, but he'd do.
"Oh
my gosh, it's him!" Kate exclaimed loudly. "Kira, look, it's Gimli!"
Gimli
jumped and looked suspiciously at them.
"Oh
wow," Kira breathed. "I can't believe it,
the real Gimli in perssson!"
Both
of them were doing their best to keep any traces of squee-age
out of their voices. Being mistaken for (or being) Gimli-lusters
usually ended painfully in OFUM, to their knowledge.
"I'm
taken," Gimli said, point-blank, just in case. “And I won’t set you up
with Legolas, just so you know.”
"We're
not your lussstersss," Kira
explained. "And we’re not Legolas-lusterss,
either. We jussst think you're really, really
cool!"
Gimli
stared. "Really."
"Oh
you're our favorite character," Kate said respectfully. "We've liked
you even before the movies."
Gimli
appeared slightly mollified at the thought of admiration from pre-movie fans.
"Well, thank you."
"Oh
sssseriousssly, it'sss sssuch an honor," Kira
continued. "We've alwayss wanted to meet you.
You're awesssome."
"Definitely. I mean, all your lines in
Moria were great," Kate added. "And you totally kicked arse at Helm's Deep."
"Éomer
would have been a goner without you."
"And Pippin, too."
"And
Legolassss, I'll bet."
"And a lot of the rest of the Fellowship."
"Hell,
you probably held the whole thing together..."
Gimli
was blushing slightly now, beneath all his facial hair. "Nonsense.
It was a group effort."
"Oh sure, but still! You're the greatest,
really," Kate simpered. "You probably should have lead
the Fellowship through Moria. Why, I bet you know this place top-to-bottom."
"That
I do," said Gimli, and was about to protest that Gandalf knew his way
around Moria better than he did, but Kira cut him
off.
"You
could give ssssomeone directionssss
anywhere in a sssnap,
huh?" she said. Gimli narrowed his eyes.
"Not
to Legolas' bedroom," he said frankly, crossing his arms.
"Legolas!" Kate
exclaimed, looking scandalized. "Why would we want to have anything
to do with him?"
"He'sss cool, but not as cool as you," Kira said.
"And
besides, I'm a Frodo-Fancier," Kate muttered under her breath.
"Sssee, the thing isss, we're lossst. We're really bad at remembering directionss.
Could you tell us how to get to the cafeteria from here?"
As any
intelligent man (or dwarf) approached by two fast-talking, attractive, gushing
females would be, Gimli was suspicious. But there
seemed no harm in giving them directions.
And
then at least they might leave him alone...
"Certainly,"
Gimli said, and he gave them excellent directions to the cafeteria, with
expressive arm gestures to boot.
Kira frantically copied them down as he spoke.
"How about the dorms?" Kate
asked.
He
complied. Kira copied.
"You're
good at thissss. The hospital
wing?"
He
gave yet more directions.
"The plot-hole?"
“Oh
just go right past the...” and unthinkingly (and impatient to go find Lina), he
told them exactly where they needed to go.
"That's
amazing. How do you--"
"AHEM."
“Ahem”s, when issued from an unseen person somewhere behind
you, are never good.
They
are even worse in OFUM.
Kate
and Kira turned around slowly to face a red-haired
woman. A very—nay—very, very
angry red-haired woman.
“Gimli,
who are they?" Lina asked, narrowing her eyes suspiciously at Kate and Kira.
"Uh...just students. Don't mind us,"
Kate said nervously.
“Yeah,
we were jusssst talking."
"Totally innocent."
"We're
not doing anything wrong."
"Absolutely not."
"We'd
never try to ssssteal your man. Er, dwarf."
*
A
second later, the pair of very terrified Mary Sues were
running down the hall, screaming at the top of their lungs. A very (very) angry
Lina was chasing them.
With a battle-axe.
They
turned a corner and were faced with a dead-end. They turned around to get out,
but Lina was already blocking the way, so Kate grabbed a door handle and pulled
Kira through. Lina raced after them, but instead of
following them in, she shut the door, locked it, and walked away with a rather
evil smile on her face.
The
label on the door stood out starkly against the polished wood. It read
"Sauna."
There
were screams from within.
*****
Kate
grabbed the handle and yanked on it. "IT! WON'T!
OPEN!"
"AAAAAH! WELL, GET A HAIRPIN OR
SSOMETHING!" Kira screamed, banging on the doors
with her fists.
Behind
them, the Watcher in the Water roared and began pulling itself towards them.
The girls shrieked again, and Kate joined Kira in
hitting the doors.
"HEEEEELP!"
they screamed, more or less in unison, as the Watcher came closer and closer,
while they pummeled the door in the manner of the utterly doomed. "LET US
OUT! LET US OUT! LET—"
Abruptly
the door opened, and they fell in a heap on the threshold. After a fraction of
a second untangling themselves, they stood up and slammed the door shut. The
roaring of the giant lake-monster inside was muted by the thick wood, and the
girls collapsed, gibbering, in front of it.
Psychicsaphie was standing over them with a
hairpin in her hand.
"Hullo
again!" she said, unusually jovial, considering she'd just rescued two
people from a horrible, horrible death.
"Dude! Thank you!" Kate yelled,
her voice shaking.
"That
wass clossse," Kira said breathlessly. “It’sss a
good thing I heard you scream when I wasss going to
the dungeonsss...”
“Yeah,
we were almost Watcher-chow back there," Saphie
said, then blinked, and looked at Kira. Kira stared back.
"Oh no. Don't start that again,"
Kate muttered, grabbing Kira's good arm and dragging
her down the short hall. "Thanks again, we totally owe you, gotta go, bye!" she called, as she and Kira disappeared around the corner.
Saphie blinked after them.
"I
gotta stop running into those two. They're weird," she said, and continued
down towards the dungeons and the manacles she'd started to think of as her
own.
*****
“We
have to keep moving,” Kira said, her voice starting
to crack slightly from stress.
The
two were walking down the hall, briskly, yet not too quickly; nonchalantly, yet
not too sneakily. They had to look like perfectly normal students or they were
going to wind up as Sauron and Morgoth’s new “toys.”
(And considering that Sauron and Morgoth were, well, evil, they treated their “toys” like a destructive three-year-old
would).
“As long as we sstay
out of ssight, and look as inconsspicuous
as possible, we should be fine.”
And,
of course, the Universal Laws of Comedy are always very punctual...
“There
you are,” a female voice suddenly said behind them.
It
sounded amused.
Shivers
ran up and down their spines like electricity when they heard it, and they were
both surprised to learn that it was true that your life flashes before your
eyes when you’re about to die. Kira was disappointed
to discover that the most interesting bit in hers was part with the llama and
the sombrero.
They
both were frozen in place, afraid to turn around.
Of
course, they didn’t need to turn
around. They knew they were doomed.
“I’ve been looking for you two.”
There
was a twop,
as something wooden slapped the palm of someone’s hand.
They
both considered their options:
Option
# 1: The Fat Chance
They
could face Miss Cam in the hope that they didn’t get killed or tortured and
that somehow she and the other Staff-members would listen to and believe their
story. (Ha!)
Option
# 2: The Suicidal Approach
One of
them could make a feint to the right, while the other wrested the Paddle of
Canon Accuracy out of her hand, bopped Miss Cam over the head with it, and then
they’d both make a run for it.
Option
# 3: The Smart Choice
The
age-old standby: run like hell.
Twop.
After
careful consideration, they came to the same (educated and wise) mutual
decision.
“Runrunrunrunrunrunrun!” Kate panted, as she and Kira (quite fittingly)
broke into a run. The two were of the Rincewind (the wizzard) school of thought when it came to running. Looking behind created drag, which slowed you down. So they
didn’t look back.
As
they tore around the corner, they heard growls and the pounding of mini-Balrog
feet behind them.
There
were no human footsteps, but that was unsurprising. Miss Cam did not run. She did not chase.
Miss Cam
simply walked until she inevitably caught up with whoever she was after (most
times by suddenly appearing in the place that they were running to before they got there).
Still twopping her Paddle against her palm and grinning evilly,
Miss Cam followed.
*****
“AAAGH! Ooooohnoooooo!”
“EEEEEEEEEEEEEK!”
The
girls wheeled around another corner, caring more about escaping then where they
were going.
A
figure in black suddenly loomed up in front of them, and grabbed them both by
their collars. The figure grinned evilly.
Born
out of instinct drilled into her from years of martial arts, Kira’s leg whipped out.
“I
have you now—oof!” the figure in black leather said.
Then he groaned and slumped to the floor.
The
girls ran again, the mini-Balrogs taking up the chase once more.
“Pleasse—tell me—that wasn’t who—I think—it was...” Kira panted as they ran.
“Kira—” Kate panted back, her voice filled with awe, shock,
and complete and utter horror. “You just kicked—Lord Elrond—in the groin!”
Kira winced. “I jusst
committed ssuicide—that’ss
what I did,” she murmured in shock, her eyes wide. “I might as well—have held—a
gun—to my head—and pulled—the bloody trigger...”
*****
Miss
Cam kept walking.
When
she turned the corner, she saw something she never thought she would ever see.
“This
is...an unexpected turn of events,”
she said, reaching down to help the ailing Elf-lord into a sitting position
against the wall. His face was twisted in pain, and in what looked like
complete and utter rage.
“One of
them—kicked me!” he gasped.
“Instead of screaming in fear and going limp like a dead fish from the
abject terror of being caught by you?”
Elrond
nodded.
“Very
unexpected,” Miss Cam said. She looked thoughtful. “These two might
be...difficult. Can you walk?”
Elrond
nodded again, and Miss Cam helped him to his feet. “Go and gather the Black
Leather Alliance of Elves and Men,” she said. “We may need to call in the
artillery for these two.”
Limping
slightly, Elrond hobbled away. Miss Cam resumed her chase.
These
two Mary Sues were no longer an amusement...
They
were becoming a problem.
And
she did not allow problems to go
running around her university, kicking Elf-lords in the groin.
Twop.
Twop.
Twop.
*****
“In
there!” Kate shouted, as the two passed the large doors that led to the
cafeteria. They dove in through them, and were immediately assailed by the
smell of food, and the raucous sounds of fanfic-writers chattering with
each-other. It was lunchtime.
They
weaved through the crowd, shoving past people with the occasional “Sorry!” “Really sorry!” “Excusse
me!” “Coming through!” “Hey, are you gonna eat
that?”
“Did
we loose them?” Kira asked. “I think we losst them.”
Despite
the fact that it didn’t seem within the realm of possibility, she was right.
The minis had ceased chasing them, seemingly.
“Okay...this
is somehow not as reassuring as it should be...” Kate said, her skin crawling
with premonition.
Kira nodded nervously. “Ssomething’ss
not right...”
Boom!
The
doors to the Cafeteria slammed open, and all eyes turned towards the figures
that swept in through the doorway.
The figures in black leather
that stepped through the doorway.
The
muscular, hot, figures in black
leather that...well, you get the idea.
“Oh sshit,” Kira intoned.
“We’re
doomed,” Kate whimpered.
They
paused.
“They’re
sso hot!”
“I
know!”
“Oh my God! Faramir! In leather!” a
fangirl (who seemed suspiciously familiar) cried, and launched herself towards her lust object.
Before
she had even taken a step, a mini-Balrog seemed to come from nowhere and
tackled her to the ground.
“There
is to be no glomping, Miss Fint,”
a voice said from the back of the group.
The
Black Leather Alliance of Elves and Men parted, and Miss Cam and Elrond (who
was still limping slightly) stepped to the front.
Twop, went Miss Cam’s paddle.
Gulp, went the girls.
“We
are searching for two girls,” Miss Cam said loudly, “named Kate and
‘Terrified.’ One is an Elf with blonde hair, the other looks human, has black
hair, and a speech impediment. They are both fantastically beautiful, as they
are Mary Sues. Unregistered
Mary Sues.”
Twop.
“If
anyone were to be so helpful as to provide information leading to their
capture--and subsequent endless...education,”
Elrond continued, “we might not give you Grammar Boot-Camp for the next forty-eight
hours.”
“Maybe,”
said Miss Cam, casually. “It’s not a definite. So...where are they?”
Kira and Kate shrunk back into the crowd, trying
their best to hide themselves and look like they weren’t trying to hide
themselves at the same time.
In any
case, neither was any use, because Kat, who was dusting herself off and
checking for mini-Balrog-induced injuries, pointed right at them and said,
“Hey, you mean those two?”
The
girls froze, as every eye in the cafeteria turned on them. An empty circle
suddenly appeared around them as everyone backed away.
“Oh—”
Kate gasped, and that was all she could say. Her chest was too tight with
terror to allow her to say anything longer than that.
“Why,
hello,” Miss Cam said with a grin.
Twop.
“I do
hope you two are enjoying your stay at the Official Fanfiction
University of Middle-Earth.”
Twop.
“However,
I’m afraid that your welcome has just run out.”
Twop.
“Uh...don’t
we get a last requesst or sommat?”
Kira called out, slowly and methodically edging
towards a table, almost as if in fear.
Almost.
Out of
the corner of her eye, Kate saw a pale-greenish glint flickering in Kira’s eyes...
Miss
Cam looked at them thoughtfully. “...No.”
“Are
you sure?” Kate asked miserably, trying to buy time. “Can’t we have a cigarette
or a cupcake or something?”
“No.”
“What
about lambs or sloths or carp or anchovies or
orangutans or breakfast cereals or fruit bats or large chu—”
Miss
“No.”
“Oh. Bummer then.” Kate paused. “Well, what about—”
Over
at the table, Kira nonchalantly scooped up a handful
of a substance that might maybe, possibly have been mashed potatoes. (It was
one of Gandalf’s creations, so it was hard to tell).
She
threw it.
Splat!
An
enormous gasp seemed to suck out all of the air in the room, as every student
in the hall gave a sharp intake of breath. Time seemed to stop. Kira stood, her hand still dripping (what was possibly)
mashed potatoes, Miss Cam stood staring, (what maybe was) mashed potatoes
dripping down her face. The Elves and Men stared, wondering how someone already
in so desperate a situation could possibly do something that stupid. The
students also could do nothing else but stare, their jaws gaping open.
Miss
Cam calmly wiped the mash potatoes away with her hand. She shook her hand to
get the mashed potatoes off.
Kira took a deep breath, and hoped against all hope
that kids would be kids.
“FOOD
FIGHT!” she screamed at the top of her lungs.
There
was an excruciating, nearly eternal (and almost comical) pause in which
absolutely nothing happened.
Come on, people, Kira thought desperately. You’re young! You’re in a cafeteria! It’s in your very nature!
Miss
Cam smiled. “We are going to have to think of something really special to do with these two, won’t we,
Lord Elrond.”
“Indee--”
Splat!
The
Elf-Lord was hit in the face with a handful of thinly-sliced ham covered in
mayonnaise.
There
was another nearly endless pause as the hobbit who had thrown it stood
quivering and shaking at her table...
“Megan...are you crazy...?” her friend asked her in an awed voice
from next to her.
Suddenly, the friend snerked.
Someone
giggled.
Chaos
erupted in the cafeteria with a roar of sound. Simultaneously, all of the
students stood, grabbed whatever food was within reach and flung it across the
room at each-other. Soon, so much food started flying through the air it was
almost impossible to see.
Kate
and Kira ran for the kitchens, ducking and dodging
the flying food.
“I’ve
committed ssuicide twice in one day,” Kira shouted hysterically to her friend. “I’m a madwoman!”
They
ducked in through the kitchen doors, and pushed past the startled cooks.
“You
do realize,” Kate said, between pants, “that if they catch us, you’re beyond
dead, right?”
“Oh
man, am I ever.”
“Like,
they’ll kill you, then revive you so they can kill you
all over again.”
“I
know,” Kira whimpered.
“Then
they’ll do it again.”
“Oh
God, I know.”
“And again. And then maybe a few more
times.”
“Okay,
I get it already,” Kira said with a shudder.
As
they rushed past sinks and stoves, Kate saw a tray of bacon on a counter. A
figurative light-bulb popped up over her head, and as she swept past, she
grabbed a handful.
“What,
hungry again already?” Kira puffed.
“It
might be useful,” Kate said, stuffing it in her pockets. “If we can plant it on
someone in the hall, the minis might sniff it out and stop for a second, giving
us more time. If we can’t find someone, we’ll chuck it down a hallway we’re not
going into.”
“Good
idea,” Kira said.
They
skidded around a refrigerator, and spotted the door to the hallway up ahead.
They
raced forward, but before they reached it, an imposing figure all in white
filled the doorway, his robes billowing, his bushy white beard caught in a wind
that seemed to come from nowhere.
Kate
screeched and Kira shouted in alarm. They skidded to
a stop, and scrambled backwards; Kira slipped and
fell on her behind.
“No...”
she whispered, as Kate grabbed her by the arm and tried to help her up.
“YOU
SHALL NOT PASS!” the figure thundered, holding up his staff. A bright light
shone from it.
The
two of them nearly burst into tears. They were so close. So close. All they’d had to do was get out into the hallway and run
like hell, and they might have actually had a chance...
“Please,
Mr. Gandalf,” Kira begged. “Please just let us go.”
Gandalf’s
bushy eyebrows rose, sticking out even more from under the brim of his hat.
“And
why should I do this?”
“Because...because
we’re not what you think we are,” Kate said. She looked behind fearfully. She
could hear the shouts of the men and Elves coming closer, and the giddy roars
of the mini-Balrogs. She turned back, a fear in her eyes that looked so
childish, so un-Mary-Suelike...
“There’s
something bad going on, in Middle-Earth. And we’re the only ones who can really
stop it. We’re the only ones that know what to look for,” Kate said.
“If we
don’t get back to the story-version of Middle-Earth...then it might be destroyed, because of the stories being
written on Earth,” Kira continued.
“Why
should I believe you?” Gandalf said. “You’re kind are well-known for your
deceit. Your beauty always belies a selfish, unkind nature.”
“No,”
Kate stammered. “We’re—”
Aragorn’s
voice rang out over the roar of the cafeteria. “They went into the kitchens!”
The
girls both cast a horrified glance behind them and then back at the Maiar.
“We’re
different from the others!” Kate said desperately.
“If
you don’t believe uss, look
in our thoughtss!” Kira
cried. “I know you can!”
They
both stood, shaking, as the Maiar regarded them with a face pursed in a frown.
He had
not lived so many lifetimes of Men without gaining a certain amount of wisdom
and intuition. And right now, his intuition was telling him that the two girls
in front of him were not what they seemed. Whether good or evil hid itself
underneath their exaggerated beauty, he could not yet tell.
Either
way, he was determined to find out the truth.
He
nodded. He then stared at them, first in Kate’s eyes, then in Kira’s, so intensely that it almost made them fall
backwards again.
After
a moment, a look of shock and surprise flashed over his face.
And
also pity.
“I saw
much that I did not understand...” he said, “but I know that you speak the
truth.”
Frenzied
footsteps echoed through the kitchens.
“Run,”
Gandalf said. “I will try to explain, but they are angry because of your foolish actions. They may not listen until it
is too late. Run!”
“Thank
you so much—” Kate started.
“Fly,
you fools!” he snapped at them, turning around the
corner to face the oncoming mob of Elves, Men, and minis.
Startled,
they launched themselves through the doorway and into the hall, and towards
(what they desperately hoped) was freedom.
*****
"Do
you really think this will work?"
A student, her tight white t-shirt bearing the legend "I <3
Frodo", stared at her companion as she carefully poured drops of mushroom
scent on the ground.
"Of
course," said the other girl, who was a hobbit. "I happen to know
that hobbits can not resist the smell of mushrooms." She grinned proudly
at her brilliant deduction. "I
didn't even like them before OFUM, but now I can't get enough." She paused
momentarily and rubbed her stomach, which was making funny noises. "Nope. Can't get enough." She said through clenched
teeth. "Stupid
indigestion."
"If you say so." The
student said, wrinkling her nose at the smell. As far as she was concerned
mushrooms were over-rated and otherwise icky. How Frodo could like them as much
as her friend said was beyond--
"AACK!"
"OOF!"
Thud.
"Ow."
The
student looked up at the blonde girl who had bowled her over. She was sprawled
on the ground next to a black-haired girl, who was pushing herself up with one
arm. Her friend the hobbit had dropped the mushroom scent, and the mushrooms
themselves were scattered pell-mell across the floor. The blonde managed to get
up first and helped the black-haired girl up. They looked frightened, but that
wasn't so unusual in OFUM. She whispered something to the black-haired girl
just as she caught sight of the student.
"Nice
shirt," she said, more than a little stiffly. She glanced at the
mushrooms. "Setting a trap for Frodo?"
"Uh...no..."
the student lied (badly).
The
blonde and black-haired girl shared a quick glance.
"Hey...for
some of those mussshroomsss, we'll ssshow you a sssecret
passssageway into the ssstaff
sssection," the black-haired girl said, in a
curiously hissy voice.
The
hobbit scoffed. "Yeah right. There is no such
thing. I've been searching all year and I haven't found one!"
"Of
course you haven't. It's extremely well hidden," the blonde said.
"Nobody could find it in just their first year here."
"Ssso do you want help, or not?" the black haired girl
asked.
The
students glanced at each other.
Alliances
at OFUM were quickly made and broken, but a general unspoken rule was that
here, you took advantage of your opportunities. And right now, the poor naïve
Frodo-Fanciers were itching at the idea of a secret passageway...
And
after all, the girls only wanted mushrooms...
"Okay,"
they agreed.
"Follow
us," the blonde said, and the older girls took off at a run down the hall,
the students close at their heels.
*****
Farther
and farther the girls lead them into the university, until the walls began to
lose their uniform shape and assume a rocky, cavernous appearance. The edges blended into in the rough rock
until the whole place began to assume the air of a cavern, rather than a
school. The students were getting tired
now, and voiced the fact quite loudly.
"This
Secret Passageway is awfully far away," the hobbit whined. "I'm going
to miss elevensies at this
rate."
"Yeah,
and who are you? How do you know
where a secret--"
"Sssshut up," the black-haired girl hissed, so
menacingly that the students actually did. The blonde peered around a cavernous
corner and nodded at her companion. They ducked around the corner. The
students, whining more quietly, stumbled after them.
The
girls were nowhere to be found.
"Hey!
Where are you?" the student shouted, just before getting a look at her
surroundings.
She
reflected that a dark, reeking cave, its ceiling heavy with spider-web-strewn
stalactites dripping faintly on corresponding stalagmites was not the best
place to yell in. Her voice echoed loudly through the dark cavern, and
something stirred in its depths. The hobbit student took a step backwards, her
furry foot crunching quietly on the gravelly floor.
"I
think we--" she started to say, when something
suddenly shoved her to the ground. She
felt something being stuffed in her pockets before the hand on her back was
removed, and the sound of retreating, running footsteps issued from behind
her. She pushed herself up and saw that
her friend had been similarly attacked, and that her pockets were stuffed
with...
Bacon?
"SHELOB
IS A LOSER!" someone yelled. The students turned around to see the girls
from earlier, at the entrance to the tunnel, screaming at the top of their
lungs.
"I
COULD HAVE SSSSSQUASSSHED HER UNDER MY SHOE!"
"GREATEST SPAWN OF UNGOLIANT, MY ASS!"
"NO
SSSSELF-RESSPECTING EVIL GIANT SSSSPIDER WOULD LET A WIMPY LITTLE MIDGET KICK
THEIR DISGUSTINGLY-BLOATED ABDOMEN LIKE THAT!"
An
enraged scream rang through the cavern and shook the water from the rock
formations. The students stared in horror down the tunnel, where something was
now rapidly rushing towards them. They turned around to the opening--the girls
had disappeared again, and a new sound joined the scraping of something vast
and horrible rushing towards them--the roars of what sounded like every single
mini-Balrog in the entire school.
The
girls looked in horror at the wads of bacon in their pockets, saturating their
clothes with the thick, savory scent of the meat and grease. Then they took off
at a run, out of the cave and away from the sound of the minis, just as Shelob
herself launched herself past the web-covered rocks and after them. Not two
seconds later, a stream of flaming mini-balrogs ran
after the spider, screaming and cracking their whips. In the distance, a twopping sound that gave the impression of being made by a
distinctly enraged person echoed, still far away, but not for long.
Kira and Kate melted out of the darkness from behind
a stalactite, Kira pulling back the long
midnight-black hair she had been using to conceal Kate and her elf-like glow.
They shared a glance that plainly said, "I never thought I'd say this, but
thank God we're Mary Sues" and took off at a run down the cave. They
dodged the rocks and webs as the screams grew slowly more distant and the twopping grew steadily louder, until they spotted an odd
sort of light reflecting on a wall, and beheld the Plot Hole to HFA.
Kate
grabbed Kira's hand, and they jumped through.
***
“Can
someone let us down? Please?"
"We
haven't done anything! Hellooo..."
The
students, wrapped up like mummies and dangling helplessly in the sticky threads
of the great spider's webs, called out morosely, their voices echoing through
the university. Beneath them, the minis fought for scraps of bacon that had
fallen from their pockets before Shelob had trussed them up like flies.
“I
hear voices! Miss Cam, this way!”
There
was the sound of pounding feet, and the yank of the spiderwebs
being cut.
The
girls fell to the ground with a splat, and were immediately jerked to their
feet by Elrind and Elroond.
They shifted uncomfortably as Elrond stared at them. To their surprise, the Elf
lord turned away (giving them a nice view of his leather-clad arse).
“They’re
not the ones,” he said.
(Behind
him, the girls burst into muffled laughter.)
Miss
Cam glared at them, and the girls stopped.
They
had seen Miss Cam pissed off. They had seen Miss Cam angry.
But
rarely did you see even Miss Cam in such a state of cold fury as she was in
now. You almost felt, when she glared at
you that way, that you ought to burst into flame right
then and there and save yourself from whatever was coming.
But
instead of punishing them, she turned away.
"Take
them to a spare classroom, so that I can question them. They must have run into
the 'Sues." Her voice was saturated with deadly calm as she addressed the
cat-person standing behind her, tail and shoulders drooping.
GreyLadyBast sighed and grabbed each girl
by the scruff of the neck. “I’m going to be in so much trouble for this,” she
grumbled, jerking the girls along. “The one time I’m NOT in the Lair, something
interesting happens...”
“What
about what Gandalf said?” Elrond asked, after Bast disappeared, grumbling,
around the corner.
“He
was obviously under their influence,” Miss Cam answered. “They must have done
something to his mind -- Perhaps the anti-Mary Sue barriers are faulty.”
An
explosion rang somewhere above ground, followed shortly by a roar from Morgoth
and a collective scream from many students, followed by many more
explosions. Miss Cam glanced upwards and
shut her eyes briefly in anger. "Continue the search," she added as
she began to walk back to the entrance of Shelob's
Lair.
Something
was terribly wrong. Instead of smashing them beneath its figurative thumb, OFUM's canon almost seemed to be...helping the Mary Sues.
Well,
not quite "helping", per say, but it wasn't smacking them down
painfully. The OFUM canon generally reserved the privilege of remaining
un-smitten with pain and torment for things that were actually helpful to its
existence. Surely Mary Sues didn’t fall under that category, and OFUM's protective barriers nullified their influence...
Something
strange was definitely going on.
More
screams issued from overhead. Miss Cam sighed and headed off.
In its
tunnel, the plot-hole shimmered innocently behind Shelob, who sulked grumpily
in front of it, insofar as a spider can sulk.
And in
the entrance to the tunnel, a scrap of burnt, frayed white cotton clung to the
stalagmite it had been snagged on.
If you
looked closely, you could almost make out the "<3".