Disclaimer: We don't own Lord of the Rings and characters and are making no money from this. Also, the, erm, characters that appear on the balcony are from a certain British comedy movie we've been drawing from for nearly this whole story. {cough}MontyPython{cough}. Lines from the scene in which they appeared in Monty Python and the Holy Grail have been adapted to our fiendish purposes.

Also, I'm not sure the "biscuits" line is entirely of my own devising or whether I once heard it somewhere (I = Saphie). Has anyone heard it before?

*****

Warning: Graphic violence and implied rape in this chapter. No joke. You have been warned.

*****

Suedom

By Andy and Saphie

Chapter 25: The Thain and Master
(And a Most Hazardous Rain of Chickens)

*****

Rincewind dipped her legs into the water of the stream and splashed them around a bit.

"Toesy, toesy toes. I like toes," she burbled to herself.

After a moment of burbling and splishy-splashing, she sniffled.

Stupid nose. It kept dripping.

Her vision blurred yet again and she wiped her eyes with her sleeve.

Stupid eyes. They kept leaking.

She lifted her head and looked about a bit. Far off, she could see hills of green, and grey mountains topped with a white that made Gandalf's robes look like they were in need of Tide. There was something far beyond them, something greater, something important. She wasn't ready to go to it, though. That much she knew. She was never ready to go, mainly because she wasn't allowed.

The sun was setting, and the light snowflake, as if someone had taken great pains to paint them one by one. The thick trunk and spiraling branches twisted up to the sky as if they were arms reaching to embrace of it would have been the most beautiful she had ever seen, but the light from the tree was so much more beautiful.

The Great Tree . . .

Its bark was silver and the leaves were green and gold-not a cheesy sort of gold either. It was a shining sort of gold, one that seemed to be made more of light than of something solid. Each leaf was as unique as a something always out of reach.

Being in this place was like being in some sort of moving painting…

She felt flat and was unable to escape.

As the light faded, she started to hum to herself, and then her scratchy, out-of-tune voice rose up in a miserable burbling song:

It's dark, it's dark, the night is falling. Hear the forlorn songbirds calling. In the dreary, darkened shade, The fireflies shimmer, flicker, fade.

The day breaks, day breaks, Like an old toy, a child's thing. Night comes, night comes; What will the new moonlight bring?

O, I've seen a better place Through the door ringed with gold In the valley between the mountains of my mind.

I've seen a better place, Past the hilly, shepherd's fold In the valley, the green valley in my mind.

But under the stone, the siren stirs, She sings her song in the night, She sings her ballad, And the walls of the valley fall.

O, I've seen a better place, I've seen a better place, But I've gone blind, I can't see it anymore . . .

Her voice faded and died on her soft, rasping breath.

"You sleep altogether too much," came a familiar voice from behind her. It was strained somewhat, but Rincewind barely noticed through her depressed haze.

"Go 'way," Rincewind moaned. "Leave me alone, you blue freak.

"You have to wake up now," came the blue guy's voice from behind her.

"There's nothing to wake up for. They're dead," she muttered in response. "Bye-bye Middle-Earth, and so long to my chance of going home."

"They're not dead."

Rincewind lifted her head, some hope returning, then shook it and her face fell yet again. "But I felt them . . ."

"They didn't die. They fell through a plothole. They had few 'fun' little adventures in some other dimensions. Then they nearly disappeared into an unearthly void of Doom and Despair, but I yanked them out of it and sent them back to Middle-Earth." He paused for a moment, then added an earnest, "Yay me."

Her head lifted again. "So they're alive?!"

"Uh, yeah. At least the last time I checked. "He paused. "Which was point 0000001 seconds before you asked if they were alive."

Rincewind quickly jumped to her feet and turned to face Link. "How did you-oh Lord!"

A glowing blue substance that could only have been some sort of blood was dripping from his nose and ears, and dribbling from the corners of his mouth, before evaporating into a glowing, light blue mist, and dissipating. His eyes were bloodshot--crisscrossed with glowing lines of blue blood. The same lines crossed his body and the mist escaped-as if he were some Industrial-age engine venting steam.

He looked at her with bleary eyes; his thins limbs hanging limply from his light frame. He was clothed with a loincloth this time, apparently out of consideration for her. He was trembling. "I think . . . I think I overexerted myself just a little bit."

Rincewind raced forward and caught him just as his body fell. He was lighter than he looked, almost nothing at all. In fact, though Rincewind really couldn't put it to words, he felt lighter than nothing did; so insubstantial he oughtn't to even to exist.

Yet here he was in her arms, his warm flesh soft, like the petals of a flower. Where the mist rose up off of him it felt warm against her skin. She gently lowered him to the ground and marveled at him now that she could see him up close. She had seen many things since the start of her punishment, but nothing quite like him.

He really was beautiful. Not handsome, not even that hot--just beautiful. Even as he was right now, bleeding in the strange way that he bled, hurt, exhausted, essentially a complete mess, he was like some panoramic picture of a glacier receding through a mountain pass over a serene lake, or a flower laced with silver drops of rain. He was the sort of beautiful that made someone breathless.

She settled him in place so that he was lying across her lap, one arm crossed gently over his chest.

"Mrg."

One of his eyes peeked open, blinking away blood that evaporated into nothing. "Ooh. Passed out, didn't I?" he muttered weakly.

"Ah, yeah," Rincewind answered, trying not to stare too much, but failing miserably.

"What a strange phenomenon. It's like not existing for a short while," Link said absently. He sighed. "Stupid, mortal-ish form. But I need it to talk to you."

This was a lie, though he didn't plan to tell Rincewind that. Link had liked the strange, unidentifiable, tingly feelings he had gotten last time he had talked to her. Especially the ones he had gotten when she was shirtless. Having a mortal form certainly was limiting, but in some ways, it was liberating.

Rincewind continued to stare down at him and he blinked slowly a few times.

"Are you . . . okay?" she asked.

"Er, no," Link answered after a moment. "I spent too much energy to save them. It's happening sooner . . . I can't . . . I can't hold out much longer."

Rincewind looked at him curiously. "Hold out for what?"

"The end of all this," He paused thoughtfully. "Let's just say that it's affecting me, too."

Rincewind stared hard at him, and he stared back, his face relaxed and his eyes half-lidded. It didn't seem like he intended moving anytime soon. It was a good thing he was so light, or else her legs would have been falling asleep shortly. "What . . . what are you?"

"Can't tell you."

"Why not?" Rincewind asked him.

"A long time ago, I set up . . . certain defenses that even I would never be able to break through, were I tempted to, or forced to under duress. I can't tell you what I am, and I can't tell you the mysteries of the universe. Every time I try, I'll disappear like last time. I'll never get the chance to say a word."

"Wait, last time?" She thought carefully. "So you can't tell me where the Bridge is?!"

"Nope. If I try, I'll just lose my connection with you again. Sorry."

Rincewind groaned. "Fan-fucking-tastic. I'm back to square one."

"Maybe, but hey," here he broke into a wide, irascible grin, "at least you have someone to keep you company on those cold, lonely nights." His eyebrows went up and down suggestively.

"Ugh," Rincewind said, shoving him off of her lap. She stood and walked away from where he was lying in the grass. "How many women have you been in contact with?" she asked him, hands on her hips.

"One," he answered pathetically, from where he was lying in the grass.

"That's it? Just me?" she asked incredulously.

"Hey, I'm a celestial being. I don't get out much."

With that, he slowly sat up. Then he slowly stood, stumbling a few times before he could remain steady on his feet. With his skinny body, Rincewind thought he looked like some sort of alien.

A really, really beautiful alien . . .

"You have to go back, capiche?" he said to her. "And they'll be okay on their own, I think, with Éowyn and Gimli with them. Cover the high ground and the far-away places like before. Let them cover the low ground and inside places. I can't tell you where it is, but it is in a place. A city or a . . . a place. It's not just some random spot."

"I don't want to go back," Rincewind said miserably.

"You have to," Link said, limping over to her. Tentatively, he reached up and put his hands on her shoulders. She wasn't sure whether he was just doing it to touch her or whether he needed the support to stand. He stared into her eyes for a long while. It was horribly unnerving, like he was reading her soul.

"If you don't stop staring at me like that, I'm gonna punch you in your pretty, little nose," she muttered angrily.

He smiled. "You definitely don't fit in a box, do you," he said.

"What?"

He looked at her face a bit more. It wasn't exactly pleasant. It was always pinched and she had sort of a big, pointy, turned-up nose that made her look mousy.

Actually, by his standards-he who had inspired in men songs and ballads to beautiful women with eyes of starlight, lips like rose petals, and breasts that were the blossoms of womanhood-she was downright ugly. Many women, if in Rincewind's situation, might be disappointed once they saw their face again.

He knew she wouldn't be.

Humming first, he started to sing a little Scottish ditty, quietly, much to her confusion. "'You take the high road, and I'll take the low road . . . '"

Then he shoved her and she felt herself fall out of herself, if that was even possible, and her world went dark.

He was left standing there, alone, with a wistful expression on his face.

" . . . And I'll be in Eriador befooore ye . . ."

***

Kira's sleep had been less than restful. Her shoulder was hurting more and more now that she was back in Middle-earth. She ignored it. She was getting better at ignoring it. Her mother had given natural birth to both her and her sister, because she had an incredible tolerance for pain; Kira was glad to find that she had apparently inherited some of that pain tolerance, though she wouldn't have minded a bit more.

She was also uncomfortable wearing next to nothing, even though she was swaddled in blankets. After they had cleaned and dried off, Éowyn had made the girls undress down to their skivvies before their nap, so that she could clean their clothing as best as she could. She didn't have the heart to ask the girls to wash their own things, and had let them go straight to sleep for a bit of a nap.

It was hard sleeping when you still felt scummy, especially when some things had been on you that really shouldn't ever be on your skin. She missed shampoo.

The stone floor was cold, even through the blankets under her, and the soldiers constantly yelling orders and milling about was less than conducive to sleeping. Fortunately none came to ogle Kate and her sleeping forms because Éowyn had found a small enclave inside Helm's Deep, and the small, but irate-looking dwarf guarding said enclave was more than enough to keep ambitious would-be suitors away. For once, she and Kate were ignored.

Kate was the main reason Kira couldn't sleep. When Kira was stressed or afraid, she had a tendency to be a bit paranoid. When she was paranoid, she tended to worry more about other people than herself. Every few minutes, just when she was about to drift off, Kira would start out of her almost-slumber and feel the need to check and make sure Kate was still there, a softly breathing bundle of blankets next to her.

And of course, there were always dreams. To say the least, it was hard falling asleep with mental imagery of blood and death on one's mind, and it certainly was something that made a person who was apt to having nightmares afraid to sleep. No sleep for those that have seen the wicked.

So she tossed and turned, and checked on Kate, and hardly slept a wink. Kate on the other hand slept like a baby. Kira supposed her mind had just shut off after their ordeal, rather than stayed awake long enough to deal with it.

Gimli and Éowyn were both very quiet. One at a time they went to get cleaned off, while the other guarded the girls. They hardly spoke a word. It must have been hard to say anything knowing that innocent men had died, Kira thought. They were brave men that had fought side-by-side with them ages before in the original war. They were men of their world, and Kira had the sober realization that it meant that they didn't belong to her.

People on Earth belonged to her. She belonged to them, too. Good, evil, kind cruel, all the shades of grey in between, it didn't matter; they were people, human beings, Earthlings. This was not the human race here in this strange place so far from home. They were the Men of the West, Elves of Lórien, a single Dwarf of the Lonely Mountain--they were the Children of Illùvatar, not Mankind. She had never truly liked Mankind before, despite being a part of it; only certain people that happened to be a part of it, but now she missed it. That connection was cut off; Mankind was so far away, so far . . . Kate was the only bit of Mankind she had left, and vice versa.

If Kate hadn't been with her, she was sure she would have died from despair, or loneliness, or something else, that something that exists between two people or things when they know that they're part of the same thing. Sort of like…Kira'd had a hermit crab once and it died, apparently for no reason. Later, she had read information about caring for hermit crabs and it had said that it was best that they be kept with at least one other hermit crab to keep it company. It was a silly analogy, but it was the best thing she could think of that represented what she was thinking about, and at a time like this, she needed to make sense of all that she could.

She felt sorry for Gimli and Éowyn and all the men at this place. Their friends and fathers and brothers, just . . . other people, their people, had died here. And they kept dying over and over and over again.

As she lay bundled in the cotton blankets Éowyn had thoughtfully scavenged for them, she stared up a Gimli, where he sat on a crate, staring at the wall. His eyes were far away, maybe looking back at the first battle at Helm's Deep, or even at the first battlefield he had ever fought on. Maybe they were staring at the Lady Galadriel so long ago, under the breeze-tossed whispering eaves of the Golden Wood.

Maybe they were just staring at the wall, as he tried not to think about the battle that had just happened, the men that had died, and what was going to happen next.

She didn't ask. She didn't feel like it was her right to. He never asked about what she thought about, after all, and as the dark little thoughts leaking into her mind were far from pleasant, she was grateful for that.

He caught her staring at him, however, and raised his eyebrows inquiringly. "Yes?"

"Nothing," she muttered. "Jusst thinking." She paused. "Gimli?"

"Yes, lass?"

"I'm sorry about all thiss. All thesse men dying. It musst be hard, even with the oness you don't know."

Gimli thought for a second, and then spoke. "It is."

Kira nodded in acknowledgment. It was then that Éowyn returned, cleaned up, her face slightly red from being scrubbed, and their now (relatively) clean clothes bundled under her arms.

"They are still slightly damp," she said to Kira, "but they will do."

She threw the bundle to her. "We must make haste. The host had finally overcome their initial enchantment with the Mary Sues and is about to move out. They ride to Isengard, to confront Saruman. I deem it would be wise to search there?"

"It's worth a sshot," Kira said, tapping Kate on the shoulder. Kate left out a little screech and sat up like a shot, staring around rapidly.

"Oh," she said, her voice in a state that was nervous and yet a sort of sigh of relief. "It's just you."

Kira cracked a bittersweet smile. "Good morning to you, too, buddy."

*****

After the girls had gotten dressed, they started out, catching up with the host right before they had left. Éowyn procured the horses. Kate, who liked horses (especially mythical ones; she had adorned her walls with posters of unicorns years before, and one was still there on the wall above her bed), had done a little bit of horseback riding years before, and had only a little difficulty riding. It was hard, it took her full concentration, she almost fell off a few times, and the horse was hard to control, but for the most part, she could do it.

Kira on the other hand fell off every thirty seconds.

"You will ride with me," Éowyn informed her.

"What about Gimli?" she asked, dusting herself off after her fourth time on the ground. She winced slightly; more of her was bruised than her pride.

"I will ride with Legolas. I will try to free his mind, so that he may join us on our quest," Gimli said, a grim expression on his face, as if her were again going into battle. "I doubt I will bring him to his senses, but in your own words, 'it is worth a shot.'"

The ride wasn't very long, though Kira thought sitting on the saddle behind Éowyn was uncomfortable and stuffy. She didn't like being so close to Éowyn. A part of her mind seethed at her condition, and secretly she wanted to spit at the back of her head and it took all her self-restraint to keep herself from doing so.

As evident by the completely dejected, almost teary-eyed expression on Gimli's face, he had made no progress at all by the time they had gotten to Orthanc, or if he had made any, it was quickly undone.

"Wow, that's a lot of Mary Sues," Kate remarked, stumbling off of her horse, accidentally kicking it while doing so. It nipped her shoulder. "Ow. Bad horsy. "

"No," Éowyn said, gracefully slipping out of the saddle and landing lightly on the ground, before helping Kira do the same (Kira made a sort of thumping, galoofey noise as she landed). "Bad rider. "

Kate drooped.

Seeing this, Éowyn hesitated. "You did very well for someone not raised in the saddle," she quickly amended.

Kate's spirits seemed to lift slightly, and Éowyn made a mental note to avoid upbraiding her unnecessarily for a short while-obviously the battle at Helm's Deep had affected her spirit, despite all appearances.

Then again, all appearances seemed to suggest the same. Neither girl had said a word as they rode to Orthanc, when normally they would have been chattering like birds in the bush. Éowyn never thought that she would miss the consistent stream of complaint that the girls usually issued through the day . . . but she did.

She shook her head and surveyed what lay before her-now was a time for paying attention to her surroundings and preparing for the worst.

The crowd of Mary Sues in front of the door of Orthanc was impressively large and sparkly. Most of them seemed to be warrior Sues; though all types of Sues could be spotted in the skinny, shiny-haired crowd.

"Come," she said, spotting a space on the fringes of the crowd of kings, nobles, Rohirrim, and Mary Sues. "We wait, and see what transpires here. "

They stood there, Gimli looking anxiously over at Legolas and the rest of the Fellowship (but mostly Legolas) every few seconds, and cursing quietly in Dwarvish under his breath.

They watched for a moment as some of the Mary Sues declared their greatness and power, then shouted catty comments at one another.

Éowyn wrinkled her nose in distaste. Such displays were unbecoming of a true warrior. "They must be feuding amongst themselves, trying to prove each would be the best leader. "

The girls looked about. They hadn't had a good glimpse of the host riding in front of them earlier and now was a time as good as any to look. Aragorn, Gandalf, and Legolas they had seen before, and they still looked like the actors that had played them in the movies. Thèoden was slightly different-looking than before. Not much, but it was obvious that the perceptions of the Sue-writers had probably now made him look like whatever actor had played him in the movie.

He still looked very regal, if a little hazy-eyed.

Éomer had changed as well. They both quietly agreed that he been much hotter before the change, but was still attractive.

Éowyn, however, seethed when she looked at her uncle and brother. But rather than making a futile effort to free them, she stayed by Gimli and the girls' sides. Their quest had to be finished. The task had to come first before she saw her uncle and brother again.

She was just glad that Faramir was not here, parading in front of her while completely mad.

"Hey, where are Merry and Pippin?" Kate asked quietly, some worry in her voice. "We didn't see them when we rode in."

"I had supposed that was because of the Mary Sues, but you are right-they do not appear to be in this crowd," Éowyn said.

"Hammer and tongs!" Gimli suddenly cried, watching the Mary Sues bickering.

"What?" Kira and Kate asked, at the same time Éowyn said, "What is wrong?"

"It's one of those stories, the ones where they are captured and taken to Orthanc!" Gimli said furiously. "I just heard one of those wenches say it with my own ears!"

"Does this happen often?!" Éowyn asked, horrified. The girls gaped.

"Yes. Often one of the Mary Sues 'saves and comforts' them," Gimli said murderously. "I could pull out my beard! Those poor, merry, little folk! Why would anyone take pleasure in harm to them?"

As he said this, he and Éowyn looked to a horrified Kate and Kira, who shrugged despondently.

"If we knew," Kate said quietly and tiredly, "we'd be the ones writing the stories about it. But we don't. "

Gimli turned back to the Mary Sues and fumed quietly.

"They have chosen a leader," Éowyn said. "Let us watch and listen, and then we may be able to think of a plan of rescue. "

She lapsed into silence, and a Mary Sue, armed with longswords (two of them, which she wielded in each hand, unbelievably), started to speak to whoever was listening in the tower.

"I, Himiko Tsukikage, Ice-child Moonshadow, Lady Dragonfire, have come here today to stop you, Saruman!" the woman shouted, her voice icy calm, but her eyes blazing with a blood-red light. The other Mary Sues all nodded or shouted in agreement, holding their weapons at the ready.

Behind them stood Gandalf, humbled and silent, the powerful wizard completely indifferent to the fact that he was being upstaged by a woman with hair that changed color according to the time of day with all the accuracy of a Swiss clock. (It was wilvery-blonde during daytime, flame-red at dawn and dusk and jet-black at night).

Aragorn, Théoden, and Éomer stood at Gandalf's side, staring upward at the empty balcony with clouded eyes. The eyes of the rest of the Rohirrim were fixed upon the same place, and hushed whispers were being shared, as they awaited the appearance of the dangerous wizard.

Slowly, a space appeared between the edge of the door and the wall. With a loud creeeeeak, the doorway to the balcony swayed open, revealing darkness within. All was silent, all was still; the tension in the air could have been cut by a laser, or at the very least, a chainsaw.

A knight ran out through the doorway and leaned against the balcony rail. He slapped both of his hands against his silly, domed helmet. Several other knights ran up behind him.

"'Allo! Who is eet?" the knight asked.

Over on the outskirts of the groups, raucous laughter and evil snickering, the sort that happens after a funeral when mourners are letting out tension, could be heard. Himiko frowned when she heard the two merry voices, but otherwise ignored them and turned back to face the knight.

"It is Himiko Tsukikage, and these are the Riders of Rohan. "She paused, unsure. "Er . . . whose tower is this?"

"This is the tower of my master, Saruman of the Many-colors," the knight shouted.

"Go and tell your master that we have been charged by Elrond with an important quest," Himiko answered. "If he will give us back his captives, Merry and Pippin, he will be shown mercy, and he will be given a minor Ring of Power so to aid us on our quest to save Middle-Earth."

"Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen. Uh, he's already got a Magic Ring, you see?" the knight answered.

The Mary Sues seemed taken aback. This wasn't how it was supposed to go . . .

"What?" Himiko asked, completely aghast. She bit her lip in bewilderment, and the other Mary Sues started chattering amongst themselves in confusion.

The snickering from the edge of the group grew louder.

"He says they've already got one!" said another Mary Sue.

"Are you sure he's got one?" Himiko asked skeptically.

"Oh, yes, it's very nice-a. "The knight turned to the other knights and whispered something. They all giggled.

"Well, uh--um, can we come up and have a look?" Himiko asked. "And see the captives?"

"Of course not! You are Mary Sue and Rohirric types-a!" the knight said, leaning against the rail with both hands.

"Well, what are you then?" Himiko asked.

"I'm French! Why do think I have this outraaaageous accent, you silly Mary Sue-a?!"

"What are you doing in Middle-Earth?" asked Laura, who had earlier been seen using very small rocks as weapons.

"Mind your own beezness!" the French knight shouted.

"If you will not show us the other Magic Ring and the captives, we shall take your tower by force!" Himiko shouted.

"You don't frighten us, Mary Sue pig-dogs!" the knight taunted. "Go and boil your bottoms, daughters of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called Dragonfire Lady, you and all your silly Rohirric k-nnnnniggets. Thpppppt! Thppt! Thppt!"

"What a strange person," said Crystaliafashiera Melisushania.

"Now look here, my good man-" Himiko started.

"I don't wanna talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! You father was a dragon and your mother smelt of elderberries!"

How had he known her genealogy? Himiko wondered. No one else knew she was the daughter of Smaug!

And mother did smell a bit funny . . .

"Is there someone else up there we could talk to?" Himiko asked exasperatedly. "Wormtongue, maybe? An orc?"

"No, now go away or I shall taunt you a second time-a!" the Knight said with a sniff.

"Now, this is your last chance," Himiko said sternly, frowning. "I've been more than reasonable."

The French knight turned to the other knights.

("Fetchez la palantir.")

("Quoi?")

("Fetchez la palantir!")

"If you do not agree to my commands, then I shall-" Himiko started.

Twong! went a hidden catapult.

"Eru save us!" Himiko shouted.

"Eru!" the Mary Sues cussed, scattering.

With a thud, the palantir bonked one of the Mary Sues on the head, knocking her right off of her horse. It then rolled off into the murky depths of the flooded valley.

"Ah! Ohh!" the Mary Sues yelled.

"Right! Charge!" Himiko yelled, brandishing her sword.

"Charge!" the Mary Sues screamed.

Twong!

There was mayhem, as chickens started raining down from the balcony. The horses started bucking and throwing off their riders. Mary Sues ran back and forth screaming.

"Hey, this one is for your mother!" the French Knight shouted. "There you go. "

Twong!

"Mooooo!"

This time a cow fell down, narrowly missing a Mary Sue, and promptly turned into a large lump of hamburger meat upon impact with the ground.

"And this one's for your dad!" the knight called again.

Twong!

"Run away!" Himiko cried.

"Run away!" cried the Mary Sues.

"Ha-ha!" laughed Kira and Kate.

The French guards continued taunting and blowing raspberries at the retreating group. Soon all the Mary Sues and canons had cleared out, leaving only Kate and Kira standing there laughing, in a rain of white chicken feathers, Gimli and Éowyn standing next to them and staring bewilderedly at the balcony.

"I do not understand this at all," Éowyn stated.

Kira snorted. "Apparently, there'sss a crosssover going on at the ssame time as the Mary Ssue sstoriess."

"What sort of 'crossover'?" Gimli asked.

"Monty Python. A comedy," Kate answered.

"It'ss not that sssuprissing. Monty Python is popular, and it can be applied to jusst about anything. Makess more ssensse than ssome of the other thingss we've sseen sso far . . ."

Gimli looked at the chickens, the dead cow, and the Mary Sue that had been knocked out by the palantir, all the chicken feathers in the air, and muttered, "This passes for comedy in your world?"

"Yep," Kira answered.

His bushy eyebrows arched almost up to the brim of his helmet, and he nodded slowly.

"You Earthlings have an . . . interesting sense of humor."

Both girls grinned slightly in a sort of grim way, and then ducked as a chicken nearly came down on their heads. Kate looked up, and saw the knights laughing uproariously and preparing to launch more livestock.

"Come on, I don't think the knights have seen us yet," Kate said. "Press against the wall before they do."

The four slunk against the black stone of the tower and looked around. The Mary Sues had retreated behind a ridge, and the canons appeared to be with them. They were whispering to themselves and seemed to be plotting something. Kate wouldn't have been surprised if it involved a large wooden rabbit.

"So what now?" Kira asked.

But another voice rung out before any of her companions could answer.

"Enough of this. Leave now."

The knights could be heard clanking away, and the Mary Sues started edging cautiously back towards the tower. Himiko rode forward and soon the entire group was assembled again, staring up at the balcony.

"It is I," Himiko said, "Himiko-"

"I know who you are," the voice answered, "and I know why you are here."

"Then you know we come to make a proposal to you?"

"I heard your terms. "The voice paused for a long moment. "I shall not accept."

"You do not seem to understand the gravity of your situation. You are defeated. This is a chance to regain your honor, a chance to survive. Honor is an important thing, Saruman, and it is something you lack. You might fight to regain that honor if you ever wish to be remembered as something more than a traitor and a monster. You must fight to regain that which you have lost. For you see, honor is the only thing a man or women has . . ."

"Oh, for crying out loud," a voice muttered at the edge of the group, and the owner of the voice slapped herself on the forehead.

A voice came from next to her, muttering, "Why the hell won't she jusst shut up? Merry and Pippin are in there, right? At thiss point I'd already be kicking asss and taking namesss."

"How exactly does one take someone's name?" another voice asked.

"Oh, it's possible," answered a gruff voice, irately, "Mine was taken."

"Yes, but-"

"Oh, never mind it, you two. And be quiet, I can't hear both of their voicess."

" . . . You know what you must do. You know the choice you must make. If you do not make it you will be wholly ruined, with no chance of redeeming any of your former honor."

"Honor? You speak of honor?" spoke Saruman again, and indeed it was Saruman; Kate craned her neck and saw him leaning casually against the railing on the balcony, his seemingly white robes shimmering every time he shifted.

She marveled at his voice. Despite the fact that the Maia looked like the actor that had played him, he did not sound like him-his voice had remained unchanged. It was oddly calming, and all the tension seemed to drain out of Kate as she listened to it. The shrill buzzing of her thoughts died down to a gentle hum, and she was standing there listening to the voice with bated breath.

"What dishonor have I shown?" he asked the crowd. "By trying to gain enough power to fight against our common enemy?"

"Common enemy? To fight against your allies, you mean," Gandalf stated, stepping forward. "Do not bandy words with us, Saruman--even the most well chosen words cannot conceal your treachery. You-"

"Excuse me!" Himiko stated, stamping her foot down. "No-one asked you to talk, old man!"

Gandalf fell silent, and stepped back. His eyes, which had been slowly un-clouding as his will reasserted itself, became murky again.

"'Old man'!" Gimli hissed. "Under normal circumstances, that 'old man' could destroy her with the waggle of an eyebrow if he so chose. And he wouldn't, because with his age has come both wisdom and pity."

Éowyn nodded grimly. "I saw what he did in Meduseld to save my uncle . . ."

"Ssomebody needs to learn to respect her elderss," Kira hissed bitterly, and with more than the slightest hint of violence.

"Shh," Kate hushed them. "I know she's annoying as anything, but be quiet."

" . . . I don't think you understand how bad this thing is," Himiko went on. "You're trapped and surrounded-"

"Don't the two generally run hand in hand?" Kira whispered, and Kate shushed her again, as Himiko continued.

"-And there is no means of escape. "Kira rolled her eyes at this. "You can come quietly or we will be forced to use force."

"And the Award of Redundancy Award goess to . . ."

"Shh!"

"You cannot storm this tower," Saruman said amusedly. "It is unbreakable."

"Yeah, well they said that about the Titanic," shouted Janey Brandybuck. "And Leo drowned anyway, didn't he?"

All heads turned to stare at her.

"What?"

They turned back to Saruman.

"I have already set a magical ward around this place, to render it indefensible," Himiko answered. "You are defeated. There is nowhere else you can go. You must either join with us . . . or die. You must choose now . . . grandfather."

"Oh, for chrissakess," Kira muttered, slapping herself in the forehead, and Kate uttered a quick "Eww!" at the thought of Saruman siring anyone.

The crowd around Himiko gasped, and Gandalf raised his staff and pointed it at her.

"Foul progeny of Evil!" he cried, and started mumbling nonsense words that were supposedly magical in nature, but sounded more like gibberish.

"Fool!" Himiko cried, raising her sword. It glowed with a golden-red light. "I know not why you continue to make my life difficult, when I am fighting for the side of good and do not do anything to hinder it in its fight against the darkness, and hinder the darkness itself. This is the last time you oppose me, you arrogant idiot!

Her sword glowed brighter and she spoke several words that sounded like mangled Japanese. They came together into a sappy J-pop song that made the light on the sword dance. With a crack, a bolt of reddish-gold lightning shot out and blasted Gandalf's staff. There was another crack as it split in half and fell to the ground in two pieces. Gandalf fell to the ground on his knees, shaking and weak, wholly defeated by a girl with an unpronounceable name.

"Well done, Himiko!" Aragorn said, bowing. "It was about time you put him in his place!"

"That is enough!" Gimli cried, brimming over with outraged indignance, and running out, brandishing his ax threateningly.

"Wrong ssstaff, you dip!" Kira screeched furiously at the girl.

"Gimli, no!" Éowyn shouted, running forward and catching Gimli by the arm. "Do not threaten her! It is folly! If she was able to defeat Gandalf . . ."

He stopped, huffing and puffing angrily, and shook her off of his arm. He went no further though.

Kate was holding onto Kira's arm to prevent her from angrily running forward as Gimli had (and trying to resist doing so herself). She bit her lip worriedly as she watched Himiko consider Gimli. What if the stupid Mary Sue blasted him to cinders?

"Who do you think you are," Himiko asked the Dwarf. "To try to attack me?"

"A friend," Gimli snapped, not at all surprised that the Mary Sue didn't know who he was. He nodded towards Gandalf, where he sat shocked on the soppy ground, the halves of his staff cradled in his shaking hands. "As a good and loyal friend should, I refuse to stand and watch as you hurt and make a mockery of my companion."

Himiko seemed not to know what to say to that. After gaping for a moment like a fish, she finally sputtered, "He made a mockery of himself!"

"No, you are the only one making a mockery of yourself, foolish child," Éowyn put in, giving the girl a steely stare, as if daring her to protest.

She didn't. Her lip trembled slightly as she looked at the two formidable warriors before her, the real girl underneath remembering what weakness was and reminding the Mary Sue persona that even the most powerful people had it in some way . . .

"As much as I enjoy watching Gandalf groveling in the dust, this is boring," Saruman muttered and he turned and walked back into his tower. "Call me back when you have something of interest to say."

"Oh cummon! Ssaruman would kill for a chance to watch Gandalf grovel!" Kira muttered. She shot daggers at Himiko. "Not that Gandalf should be groveling in the firsst place!"

-' i like pints!' said Pippen, and he giggled to himself and Merry giggle as well. he loved being silly and joking around with his cousin. 'well, i like mushrooms!!' said Merry.-

Kate looked away from the scene in front of her, and at her friend. "Do you hear that?"

Kira nodded. Then she cocked her head at an odd angle, as if trying to listen to something just on the edge of hearing.

"Hey . . . hey can you hear that underneath it? It ssoundss ssort of like another sstory, running underneath the one we jusst heard . . ."

"I think so . . ."

- . . . Thrusting, he shove his massive . . . -

"Whoa, what the heck?" Kate exclaimed.

-"Merry, make it stop It hurts" Pip cried!-

"What the hell iss thiss . . . ?"

-Merry struggled, but the mancles held him down. "I so sorry pip!" he cried.-

"Oh nooo, you don't think . . ." Kate started, panickedly.

-The orcs laughed and the orc that was . . . -

"It can't be . . . "

- . . . he picnhed Pip's bottom and mockingly rubbed his back and neck, knowing that his touch revolted his victim . . . -

"It is!" Kate cried miserably. "What do we do?!"

They caught only bits and pieces of the next part of the story, but it was still too much as far as they were concerned.

- . . . Throbbing . . .

. . . Thrusting . . .

. . . Rammed his . . .

. . . Swollen . . .

. . . in Pip's warm . . .

. . . to the orc's pleasure . . .

"Make it stop," he moaned. "Please, make it stop!"

"MAKE IT STOP!"-

"MAKE IT STOP!"

Kate realized she was the one that had uttered the last scream, and that Kira had her hands on her shoulders.

"Are you all right? Are you all right?!" Kira asked her.

Kate felt warm tears streaming down her face. She hadn't even known she was crying. Kira looked as if she were on the verge of it as well.

"Oh! Oh geeze!" Kate gulped between hysterics. "What just happened? What just happened?!"

"I think for a second we were not only hearing the story, but getting pulled in and feeling their emotions…" Kira said, and she started taking deep, shuddering breaths, as if she were crying, but trying her very best not too. She seemed in shock, horrified and bewildered by what she had just heard.

But this wasn't a time for shock.

"We have to save them!" Kate sobbed. "We can't waste any more time!" She ran towards Gimli and Éowyn, Kira at her heels. The two looked up from their argument with Himiko and stared in bewilderment as the girls ran up, flustered and hysterical.

"Gimli! Éowyn! We have to get in there and we have to get in there, now!" Kate screamed.

"What is it?!" Éowyn asked, alarmed. "What is wrong?"

"Merry and Pippin!" Kira yelped. "We heard part of their sstory! We have to get them out! Now! Horrible thingss are being done to them!"

"What sort of 'horrible things'?" Gimli started to ask concernedly, but they were already running to the door and pounding on it, trying to get it open.

"Open up, Ssaruman! Let them out!" Kira screeched at the top of her lungs, pounding until her knuckles were bloody. "LET THEM THE FUCK OUT!"

"You can't open that door! It is unbreakable!" Éowyn said.

Kira turned to Himiko. "You ssaid that you did some sort of magic right? To make thiss place indefenssible? Right?!" Her voice was quaking and her whole body trembled from head to toe with suppressed energy. She looked like an animal ready to spring.

Hesitantly, as if unsure whether or not to answer to someone obviously inferior to herself, Himiko nodded. Then after another pause, she added, "Yes. The door can now be broken open."

Kate turned. "Then break it!" she demanded, wiping the moisture from her face.

"What?"

"Break it! Now!" Kate screamed at her.

Himiko's jaw fell open, and her eyes narrowed so much the only way she could have possibly been able to see is if her eyelashes were clear.

"Who do you think-"

"I said NOW! Do it! Break the bloody door now! RIGHT FUCKING NOW!" Kate screeched hysterically, cursing uncharacteristically.

Everyone went silent. Éowyn and Gimli stared suspiciously at the Mary Sue, clenching the hilts of their weapons nervously. The other Mary Sues stood catching flies with their gaping mouths, their weapon dropping out of their surprised hands and thudding to the ground. They turned to each other and whispered. Kate could hear their whispers and with a sinking feeling, realized that she had done a Bad, Bad Thing.

" . . . She's so dead . . ."

" . . . Lady Dragonfire is going to kill her . . ."

". . . fry her up like a tater tot . . ."

". . . gonna kick her where her biscuits are baked!"

A pause.

" . . . Girls don't have biscuits."

" . . . Oh. Right."

Himiko kept staring, thinking of the words to crush this pathetic weakling in terrified subservience. Ever since she had arrived, all of the other warriors had acknowledged that she was superior to them in power. How dare this foolish . . . girl challenge her? How dare she raise her voice and tell her what to do? It was because she was an Elf, no doubt-they all felt they were so superior, but they were nothing compared to Himiko. There was no way this girl was going to get away with her insolence.

I'll turn her into a newt!

No, even better--I'll blow off one of her arms or legs. Or maybe I'll twist off one those pointy ears.

Ah, I know! I'll kill that girl with her-I'll zap her head clean off. Or perhaps that of the dwarf-I think these four are together. That would get rid of two problems.

Yes, she would show her. She would put the foolish Elf in her place. Her hand crept searchingly towards the hilt of her sword.

Her hand stopped.

No, she thought. I'll revert to my dragon form and tear all of them to shreds with my teeth. Yeeees.

No-one told Himiko, Lady Dragonfire, daughter of Smaug, what to do.

No one.

And yet . . .

There was something inside her that protested--some part of her that was relieved that someone had come along and told her what had to be done. Despite how powerful she was, despite how intelligent and wise she was, Himiko could not deny that she wasn't quite sure what she was supposed to do. Every time things seemed to going to way they were supposed to, something strange would happen--like those strange knights on the balcony--and throw her for a loop. She felt as if she had waded into pool of water and gotten mired in the mud at the bottom before realizing it was much deeper than it looked.

She was in over her head, and she knew it.

This girl seemed to know it, too. What's more, she seemed to have an idea of how deep the water was.

Himiko reached for her sword and pulled it out of its jewel-encrusted sheath. The Elf-girl shrunk back in fear and the Dwarf and blond woman bristled and pulled out their weapons with the trained ease of warriors, as the hissy, raven-haired girl behind the Elf let out a cry of dismay and fumbled clumsily for her sword.

"Move," Himiko ordered, and after freezing for a moment, and sharing a glance of surprise with their wild, tear-filled eyes, the Elf and the hissing girl moved out of the way.

She cried out the Words of Power and her sword started to glow. "Kawaii! Shinjuku! Wasabi!*"

She twirled her sword in a complex pattern through the air, using the ancient art of Udon**, and it started to glow.

"Yappari watashi yarukkyanai ne Tatakitsubushite yaru wa kono te de aku wo Sou yo sore made ganbaranakutcha Mezame nasai aoi senshi yo!"***

The light grew brighter and with a crack of sound, a bolt of lightning shot out from the sword's tip. The air sizzled as it shot past Kate, and she felt her eyebrows singe. It struck the door three times, and after the blinding afterimages faded, Kate saw that the door was completely gone.

The sides of the doorway steamed and smoke billowed up into the already smoky air. Himiko lifted her sword into the air, stood in a gallant-looking (yet elegant) pose, and screamed, "Now for honor! Now for glory! Now for the defeat of evil!"

The Mary Sues and Rohirrim raised their weapons and with many voices screamed, "For honor!"

"Rohirrim! My fellow warriors! CHARGE!" Himiko commanded, and she jumped through the smoke of the doorway. By threes and twos the Mary Sues poured in behind her and Kate and Kira pressed against the stone wall off to the side to avoid being trampled. Gimli and Éowyn did the same on the other side of the steady stream of warriors.

Grunts and cries, both Mary-Sueish (which meant they could be everything from Elvish to . . . Mermaidish?) and Orcish, started filtering out through the doorway, along with the clear, ringing sound of metal against metal.

"Aiaiaiaiaiaiai!" one female warrior adorned with a Greek-looking breastplate, screamed as she ran past, waving her sword and chakram in the air.

"Dude! Wass that Xena?!" Kira cried incredulously.

"We have to go in!" Gimli screamed to the girls over the cacophony. He was blocked from sight every few seconds by a lithe, armored body brandishing a weapon and screaming a battle cry. "These fools will take too long to find the hobbits! Merry and Pippin will be killed before they even think to rescue them!"

"Right!" Kate heard Kira cry over the noise, and she saw her friend, gripping the hilt of her sword more tightly. Kate's sword rang as she unsheathed it, and the leather soon felt sticky in her clammy grip.

There was a battle. They were right outside a battle. And they were going into it.

Again.

Her breath caught in her throat, and the whole world seemed to slow down around her. Before her eyes flashed an image of the faces of Elves and men and orcs, pale with death and covered in blood. There were screams, the clanging of swords, explosions, horror, death . . .

She was shaken out of her dark reverie by the sound of Éowyn's voice, calling over the noise: "You should both stay here! It is far too dangerous for you to go inside!"

An immense wave of relief swept over her.

The wave was abruptly dammed up by Kira screaming; "We're going! We're not being separated again!"

Is she crazy? Kate thought, remembering the dark and the cold and the orc with the rusty sword that had chased them, screeching for their blood.

And the blood! Blood smeared on the stone, mixed in the mud, running all over their skin with the rainwater, as they cowered under the bodies, shaking with cold and mortal terror.

Has she forgotten all that already?

Kira turned to face her and from the look in her eyes, Kate could tell that no, she hadn't.

"We are going . . . right?" she said quietly-or at least as quietly as the roar of sound would allow. It seemed almost as if she wanted Kate to say no, as if she didn't want to be the one to decide. Kate could understand why--she didn't want to be the one to decide either. She couldn't quite figure out why-it was perfectly understandable if they both chickened out. Éowyn and Gimli said they should after all, and they were inexperienced--

"Stories are coming on again," Kira said frowning, interrupting Kate's thoughts.

--'I like pints!" said Pippen! 'Well, mushrooms are better, yuo silly hobbit" Merry answered, giggling.--

--"I shake my private parts at your aunties, so-called Théoden King, you and all your silly Rohirric knnniigggets. Plbbt! Plbbbt! Plbbbt!"-

--"Pippin! O please stop hurting him! I can't stand to wath!' Merry screamed as the orc shrieked with glee.-

Then Kate heard something else; something that was so tied in with the stories that she could hear it when she knew she shouldn't have been able to. It was clear and cold, and it pained her, like an ice pick to the chest. It was a sort of quiet, miserable voice, but at the same time, it wasn't quite a voice, not entirely, and it ran underneath everything else.

Unlike the stories, it was real . . .

[ . . . The Shire. Think of the Shire, Pippin. That's it-trees taller than the tallest hill and green grass and hills all around. Romping about, sneaking into farmers' fields and stealing vegetables with Merry when we were lads. Ale in the Green Dragon and the Golden Perch and nearly every other inn in the Shire and singing and mother's cooking, and all my sisters laughing and playing games with me when I was a little lad . . .

Ugh! The filth! The dirty creature! Stop it! Don't touch me! I can't stand it! I CAN'T STAND IT!

. . . NO! Think, Pippin! Concentrate . . .

The sunrise on Minas Tirith, horns blowing in the distance, Diamond-my sweet Diamond, where are you now, lass? When will I see you again? And my little Faramir, and-

O, it hurts!

And the shame! The shame! I want to die, please just let me die! If there's any mercy left in this world let me die . . . let me have peace again!]

Then there was a different voice, but it sounded somewhat similar to the first.

[I can't take it anymore! Why won't they just leave him alone? Why won't they take me instead?

Pippin, O, Pippin! I swore to myself that I would protect you when we were young, I swore it! What kind of friend am I, that I can't save you from this? What kind of kin?

I should have killed you back when we were first caught, when we knew that things weren't like they were supposed to be; that they had gone wrong. I should have killed you then. It would have been more merciful than this . . .

Just let us both die now! Elbereth, and all those others, whose names I've heard spoken with fairer tongues than my own, if you can hear my thoughts, please let it end now! Let us have peace!]

From the look on Kira's face--the pale expression of pity and pain, Kate could tell that she had heard all of it as well. And then she suddenly realized why they were both so hesitant to back out.

We know where they are. Sort of.

She paused at that thought.

How the heck do we know where they are?

"Girls? Are you coming or not?! We don't have time to waste!" Gimli shouted.

Kate's eyes passed from the doorway, to Kira's drawn face and terrified-and also pity-filled-eyes, and then over to Gimli and Éowyn's urgent faces.

She gripped the hilt of her sword even more tightly, sweat squeezing between her white, shaking knuckles and soaking into the leather wrapped around it.

"Yes! We're coming!" she cried loudly, her breath starting to come in adrenaline-induced, panicked pants. Kira nodded and turned back to the two canons, already panting in fear as well.

"We'll go first! You follow!" Gimli bellowed. "Remember, your allies can be just as deadly as your enemies if you get in their way! I don't want to have to clean your blood from my ax because you got in its way on the backswing!"

"NOW!" Éowyn cried, ducking between two Mary Sues and one of the brainwashed, Rohirrim (who was on foot, of course) and Gimli followed, clutching his ax, and snorting like a raging bull.

In front of her, Kira raced forward, disappearing through the smoky doorway and Kate followed, the sound of her pounding feet lost over the screams and clanging weapons. For a moment, her view was obstructed by the smoke. It stung her eyes and burned her lungs and she coughed violently.

Shoot. I should have thought to hold my breath.

She blinked tears out of her eyes and groped forward. The torches lighting up wherever they were had seemingly gone out during the battle, probably knocked from the walls by the fighting. She could only see bustling shapes in the darkness, and the noises were dying down. With her powerful Elven senses, she smelled the acrid, metallic scent of blood.

"Kira?" she called out in a low, wavering voice. "Gimli? Éow-" A hand wrapped around her arm "--Aaagh!"

"Ssh! It'ss jusst me!"

Kira tugged her over to an alcove, guarded by a protrusion jutting out of the wall. Gimli and Éowyn were standing there, still looking warily about.

"The Mary Sues killed all of the orcs and men in this room," Éowyn said, as Kira dragged Kate over. "Our path is already cleared for us thus far. Now we must decide where next to go. "

"And quickly, for the sake of the poor hobbits!" Gimli put in. "Do you have any notion of where they are?"

"Sort of," Kate answered. "Mary Sues always seems to know where to go when trying to rescue someone from somewhere. "

Kira nodded. "It'ss like ssomething'ss tugging uss ssomewhere. "

"I will take the lead, Gimli will take the rear, and you will direct me. Let us go," Éowyn commanded, and the three quickly took formation, Éowyn at their front, Kate behind her, Kira behind Kate, and Gimli trailing at the end, weapons up and at the ready. The four of them tensely walked forward into the darkness of the tower. The ground was splattered with black, sticky orc blood and they could make out the shapes of the dead orcs and the occasional Mary Sue that had died a Tragic Death (tm) of self-sacrifice. A few Mary Sues and Rohirrim were still in the room, finishing off injured orcs.

The four passed through a doorway into a corridor. All was silent, save for the echoes of Mary Sues fighting in other parts of the tower. The silence was punctuated every few moments by Kate or Kira's whispers of "right" and "left," as they followed the odd intuition that was guiding them through the torch-lit, adamant halls of the wizard's tower.

Halfway up a hallway, they both stopped, causing Gimli to nearly bump into Kira.

"Here," Kate said, and Kira nodded. "They're here. "

"Here?" Gimli questioned, looking around.

Kate turned slowly to face a tapestry on the wall, a white hand on black. She pointed. "There," she whispered.

Éowyn reached forward and tapped the tapestry with her sword. It billowed back slightly, making it obvious that there was nothing behind it.

She reached over and gently pushed Kate against the wall next to the tapestry, and Kate saw Gimli do the same with Kira. Kate could imagine why. If there were orcs in whatever passageway there was behind the tapestry, and they had bows of any kind, the last thing she and Kira should be doing was standing right in front of the tapestry.

Éowyn motioned for the girls to be quiet and for Gimli to stay where he was.

Slowly and cautiously, she lifted the edge of the tapestry away from the wall ever so slightly. As soon as she did, Kate could here the muffled, crowing laughter of orcs, and the sound of a door being unlocked. Éowyn edged her helmed head in the tiniest bit and peered for a moment, pulled it back out, signaled for the girls to stay put, and motioned for Gimli to move in. He slipped through the tapestry and disappeared and Éowyn followed after.

As the tapestry flapped, Kate heard the thunk of an ax in flesh, a door being yanked open, and then orcish screams and the clanging of weapons.

"Baruk Khazad! Khazad ai-menu!" she heard Gimli cry.

Then she heard the sound she had been dreading. Within whatever dungeon they were fighting orcs in, she heard Éowyn and Gimli scream.

Was it rage? Had they found the hobbits dead? Or worse?

What if they had been struck down, and the orcs were about to swarm out into the hall and kill her and Kira?

She looked across and saw Kira's pale face, and could tell that her friend probably feared the same thing. Kate tightened her grip on her sword and sweat beaded on her face and dripped down. She kept careful watch of the hallways behind Kira, and Kira was obviously doing the same. For a heartstopping moment, she stared the hallway behind her friend, and the tapestry, waiting for it to billow outward, as orcs ran through; waiting for an orc with a rusty sword to run after her and Kira, screeching for their blood.

The tapestry billowed out.

She and Kira both screamed as loud as they could, hoping to intimidate and surprise (as if that would happen) whatever was coming after them long enough to kill it.

"Silence, you two! Do you want every orc left in Orthanc to come after us?!" Gimli bellowed, as he pushed the tapestry out of the way and stepped through, a bloody bundle draped over his shoulder. The girls lowered their swords and shut their mouths. Éowyn followed through, holding another bloody bundle.

They were not the same Gimli and Éowyn they had been before they had gone into the room beyond, that much was obvious. Their faces were harder, colder, and underneath there were fires burning, flaming oil-wells wells of barely contained rage.

Whatever things they had seen in the room beyond the tapestry had changed them.

And Kate knew it had something to do with the two bloody bundles draped over their shoulders.

Kira gulped audibly. "Are they . . . ?"

"They are alive," Éowyn said, and it seemed almost as if she wasn't sure whether this was necessarily a good thing. "Sheathe your blades; we need you both to carry them. "

They obeyed. Éowyn handed Kate a near-empty pack that had been dangling from her elbow, and she quickly lengthened the straps and put it on over her own pack.

Then she took the form draped over her shoulder, bundled in an Elven cloak and placed it in her arms. The hobbit was heavier than Kate had expected it to be, as whichever hobbit she was holding wasn't nearly as light as Frodo had been, but he was still ridiculously easy to carry because of her Mary Sue strength.

The cloak fell away from the face of the hobbit wrapped within it and upon glimpsing it, Kate had to suppress a sob. "Oh," she gasped.

The hobbit bore an almost identical likeness to Billy Boyd, as the stories the Mary Sues were writing were apparently highly influenced by the movies.

The reason why the hobbit wasn't entirely identical was because of the purple swellings on his face, the black and blue bruising, and the cuts and scrapes.

"How could anyone . . ." Kira whispered, looking at Merry's face, as she carried him in her arms (mostly with the left one, and it was certainly a struggle). "How could anyone want to . . ."

She broke off and looked at Gimli and Éowyn, and then back at the hobbit.

"We must escape immediately, before we are discovered," Éowyn said, her voice still cold and emotionless.

She led the way, and Kate and Kira started running, Gimli following behind again.

As they ran, as they went through one passageway after another, all Kate could do was keep her feet moving and look at the little bruised face of the creature bundled in her arms. They passed Mary Sues, dead orcs, Rohirrim; they passed through the door of Orthanc, only steaming a little now. Outside, Gimli briefly searched for Legolas, Aragorn, and Gandalf, hoping to bring them along, but they were nowhere to be found.

They went on, on into the fields beyond, running, running, getting as far away from the uncanonical-disaster-formerly-known-as-Orthanc as they could, until it was hidden from view by rocks and trees. Then and only then, when they were safe next to a swiftly running stream did they stop.

Kate sat down; Pippin still bundled in her arms, staring at his bruised face.

Her mouth twitched slightly, and she asked, "Why?"

No one answered.

"Why would anyone want to hurt them? Why would they write a story about it? Why would they enjoy it?" Kate asked.

"You tell us, lass," Gimli answered

"People are sick," Kira growled angrily. "There are all kinds of disgusting things people write about. All kinds." She stopped, staring darkly at nothing, suddenly quiet. Kate, too busy fussing over Pippin in the same way she'd fussed over Zoe, did not notice.

Oh God, she thought, staring at the hobbit's beaten face. She was cradling him like a baby, unwilling to let go, wanting to offer him what comfort she could after…Oh God. Oh God. He looked so helpless. His face was contorted in sadness and pain, even in his sleep.

How could anyone enjoy reading about that? About rape? It was sick.

And now, it was real.

And if she ever found out who had written those stories, she would kill them.

Something odd happened to Kate when she had someone to be brave for. On her own, she was pretty, well, inept. Even with a friend like Kira to worry about, she didn't quite have to be unusually brave, or strong, because Kira was plenty brave and strong on her own. Kate loved her certainly, and would do anything to keep her safe, there was no doubt about that, but Kira could take care of herself (well, at least as much as Kate could). It was different here, with a bruised and battered Pippin lying in her arms in some troubled sleep. She knew Pippin was certainly brave and strong too, but seeing him here, in this condition…it made her want to walk right back up to those orcs and give them a piece of her mind. She knew very well that she wouldn't get two words out before they killed her, or started torturing her as well, but the desire was still there. For the moment, Kate was completely unafraid of whatever else Middle-Earth had to throw at her. She felt like she had when she had been comforting Zoe on Mount Doom. Whatever happened to her didn't matter right now, because there was someone worse off whom she needed to be strong for.

Whoever handed out maternal instinct had given Kate an overdose.

Pippin was beginning to stir in her arms. Kate began to worry about how he would react to waking up in the arms of a strange girl, but by then it was too late to consider, as Pippin opened his eyes. They were green, like Billy Boyd's. He stared at her for a moment, his eyes glassy, then smiled beatifically and said, "Merry, I'm in the arms of an angel."

Kate sighed. "Oh bloody hell."

***

As it turned out, Pippin took waking up in a stranger's arms rather well. Overall, this was probably because he and Merry were still stuck in a Story.

"I like pints, pretty lady!" Pippin giggled to Kate, not seeming to notice the bleeding wounds all over his body, or the fact that he was wearing nothing but a cloak.

"He's a silly hobbit, he doesn't know mushrooms are better," Merry chided in a manner of glassy-eyed affection.

Kira and Kate watched in bewilderment as the wounded, beaten pair sat chattering rather stupidly on the grass. It was utterly depressing.

"They're knights, for crying out loud. They're not gratuitous comic relief," Kate said, shaking her head at whoever was writing the story that had Merry and Pippin in its grasp.

"Not to the ones who haven't read the books," Kira said. "They don't know about them being knightsss of Rohan and Gondor, and Pippin being the Thain of the Sssshire and Meriadoc the Massster and all that."

"Hey Pippin, you're all bruised up! Did you fall?" Merry tittered. Kate groaned and put her forehead in her hands. She liked Merry--not in the way she liked Frodo, but Merry's quick wit in the books appealed to her. He wasn't just funny, he was intelligent. This defamation of his character was painful to watch.

But . . .

"Perhaps it would be best if we left them this way," Éowyn said, sadly. Gimli, catching her meaning, watched the hobbits giggling and pointing out each other's wounds (obviously, from their point of view, relics of past episodes of comedic clumsiness) and nodded.

"Yeah," Kira agreed. "Better to be zombiesss than to remember the…that."

Kate looked from Éowyn's face, which bore an expression close to mourning, to Gimli's quietly smoldering one, back to the hobbits. Pippin was poking a large cut just over Merry's eye, and giggling. Merry was saying "Ow" repeatedly, and was also giggling.

"But…they might come out of the story on their own," Kate said quietly. "Then they'll remember, and--" she paused, debating whether or not to voice the suggestion. "Maybe the best thing we can do for them is…is…"

She let the sentence trail off, but by the way she glanced from her dagger to the hobbits and looked away in distress, the rest of the group realized what she meant.

"I know what you are thinking, and I agree, to kill them would give them temporary relief," said Gimli, "but it would not last. They would come back; possibly into another story as bad as the last."

"The best thing we can do is take them someplace safe and leave them there," Éowyn said. "Someplace with healers," she added.

"But where? The Houssess of Healing would be besst, but Gondor could be attacked any day ssoon." Kira said.

"Perhaps we could take them to Meduseld," Éowyn suggested. "Unless…" she frowned, and shook her head. "I cannot remember…will there be an attack in Rohan?"

"With Middle-Earth in this state, who knows?"

Behind them, Merry and Pippin had begun to quiet, and were gazing in a listless sort of way, generally at anything that moved. Merry blankly watched Kira, who was pacing, for lack of anything more interesting for a few seconds, and then turned his attention (or lack thereof) elsewhere. None of the others noticed that the giggles had died away, or that Merry was now quietly moving his hand across his cut and bruised face in an aimless way, his eyes distant. They didn't see that Pippin was staring at this hands, covered with his and Merry's blood, was clenching his fists, was doubling up at the very memory of the agony--the absolute, endless pain, and the shame…

The shame was worse. At least the pain went away.

A change passed over the hobbits, facial features and body structures melting a bit, reshaping themselves as Merry and Pippin drifted into character and, with one glance at each other, began to sob.

"Too late," Kate said, as Gimli and Éowyn strode past her and Kira, towards the hobbits. The girls followed them at a distance, sensing that this was not a time for them to get involved. Éowyn, kneeling next to Merry, began to reach for his shoulder and paused, perhaps recalling some wound inflicted by the orcs which her touch might further inflame. "Master Meriadoc," she said instead, "You are safe now."

Merry stared at her blearily, and croaked, "Éowyn? My Lady?"

Éowyn smiled. "You are among friends now, Merry."

"Is it really you?" Merry asked, his voice shaking. He was staring intently at her, as if he were afraid she would disappear if he looked away. He put out his hand slowly, reaching for the edge of Éowyn's sleeve gingerly.

"I hardly know if I am among friends anymore or if I am only wishing too hard that I were…" he said, as he tentatively touched the material. Éowyn took hold of his small hand and pulled him to his feet, smiling as best as she could under the circumstances.

"Let me assure you, Master Merry, that I am as real as you are," she said, and Merry's face broke into a smile of relief so profound that to Kate and Kira, watching on the sidelines, it was heartbreaking.

It was then that Merry spotted them, and his relief faded. He looked at them with fear and Éowyn, glancing over her shoulder and seeing nothing but the girls, realized why.

"Do not fear them," she said. "All will be explained in time, but those two are allies."

Merry backed away. "They have you under their spell…" he murmured.

"There is no spell in this world or any other that yet made that can force me against my will," Éowyn said defiantly, her eyes flashing. "And I lead these two by my own choice. They are here to help, and I, in turn, ally myself with them."

Merry remained quite still for a moment, as if judging the fire of Éowyn's words, and said, "Then…we can trust them?"

Éowyn paused for the merest second before answering "No. At least, not entirely," She glanced at the girls herself. Kate looked perplexed, but Kira bristled and averted her eyes under her gaze. "But I do believe that they are here to help, such as they are able. And I do not believe they would do any of us harm, by their own will."

"If they're that good, why can't we trust them?" Merry asked.

Gimli, helping Pippin stand, said, "They know too much."

"Gimli?" Merry exclaimed, turning around.

"Aye."

"What are--" Merry started to say, but stopped abruptly as his eyes fell on Pippin.

Pippin, garbed in only an Elvish cloak, his face so bruised and blackened with drying blood and scars that it was almost unrecognizable. Pippin, limping as he walked, hand on Gimli's shoulder for support. Pippin, barely restraining his tears, as he and Merry realized that wherever they were now, the last place they had been was in Orthanc. And in order to have gotten from that place of torture to here, they had to have been rescued.

Which meant one thing--

They knew.

Instantly, the shame was amplified. The pity in their friends' eyes was humiliating. They knew about the disgusting things that happened in Saruman's tower, all the dirty things that had been done to them over and over again. This was beyond shame. This was a feeling so intense that it made them want to curl up and die.

And worse yet, they could see the same pity in the strangers' eyes!

The blonde one was trying to get Merry's attention. He would not look at her. He had seen girls like her before, hanging all over Legolas and Aragorn, girls who ignored or made fun of him, around whom his entire mind was wiped blank. They changed things. As far as Merry was concerned, the way it had happened the first time was the right way, as far as it could have been right. No one should go messing around with it. Especially not when it resulted in . . . in Orthanc.

"Um," Kate said uncertainly, and tugged gently on Éowyn's sleeve. Merry was ignoring her, and to be honest, the thought of talking to him scared her. What could she say, knowing what had happened to him and Pippin? "Éowyn, um, Kira found a stream over there . . . they can clean up. And stuff."

Éowyn nodded and relayed the message to Merry, who turned and walked in the direction of the stream, without looking at or waiting for Pippin, who ran after him as if afraid to be left behind.

"This is too sad for words," Kate said miserably to Kira. Kira gritted her teeth angrily.

"I hatesss whoever wrote that," she hissed. "When we getsss home, I'll find them, preciouss. And I'll wring their filthy little necksss."

Kate stared. "Kira, stop it, you're scaring me."

Kira paused. "I wasss doing it again, wassn't I? Drifting into character. Ssorry."

"Is it getting harder?"

Kira started to say 'yes,' but stopped.

"No," she said, not wanting to worry Kate. "Not really. I just got angry there, that's all." Kira sighed. "And you know what elssse isss ssad? Jussst over that hill are naked hobbitses. Wet, naked hobbitses. And I don't want to sssee them at all."

"Kira, that was in bad taste," Kate chastised.

"I know. But it'sss true," Kira said. "And that kinda makesss it worsse, doessn't it?"

"Yeah. It does. In a demented sort of way."

After glancing back to make sure the strangers weren't watching, and ignoring the look of misery on Pippin's bruised face, Merry unclasped his Elven cloak and let it fall to the ground. He shivered slightly in the cool air, and then stepped into the icy, mountain stream. Puffing and spluttering from the chilly water, and goose bumps rising up all over his skin, he plodded into it until it was chest deep. He heard Pippin splosh in after him. He was shivering horribly, and he winced at the sting of the water on his wounds, but the cold was soothing to Merry's injured skin. Holding his breath, he dunked his head under the water and tried his best to get his hair clean.

Then he came back up and started scrubbing.

He had no cloth or sponge, but that didn't matter. Hand and against hand, palm against skin, he tried his best to wear the filth away. And to all appearances it worked, the blood disappeared, the dirt and filth washed away.

"Merry," he heard Pippin say. "My wounds are disappearing. Are yours?"

He looked closer at his body and realized that they were. The cuts, scrapes, and scratches were closing up and the bruises were fading.

"You are no longer in that story," Gimli said from the bank, as he set out their clothes. "The wounds inflicted in it do not exist."

Some of them still do, Merry thought to himself. Some will never fade away.

Just like the horrid filth on his body. He went back to scrubbing, and his hands that had been red with wounds and then healed soon were raw and red again. Still, he kept scrubbing--he forgot all else. All there was were his hands, his skin, and the grime on it, the feeling of the orc's filthy touch. All that mattered was that he scrubbed the filth off and made that feeling go away. He forgot the cold of the water, forgot Pippin, forgot Gimli and Éowyn, and even who he was. All that mattered was being clean.

"Merry, you're clean," Pippin said.

Merry looked up and saw Pippin standing fully dressed on the bank, his hair a wet, tangled, curly (but now clean) mess atop his head. Some water still dripped from his nose.

He hadn't even noticed Pippin getting out of the water.

"Your lips are turning blue," Pippin informed him. "You should get out now, Merry."

Reluctantly, Merry waded to the riverbank and, dripping, left the cleansing safety of the water. He wasn't clean. Couldn't Pippin see he was still covered in orc-filth? He'd never be clean again, not as long as he could remember the stink of the tower, or the revolting feeling of them touching him. No, he was not clean. The filth was imbedded into every inch of him.

But he dressed, and followed Gimli back over the hill, to where the women were sitting, silent and awkward. Avoiding the sight of the distant tower, Merry looked at Kate and Kira, and simply said, "Explain."

"Huh?" They looked up from various fascinating activities, such as pulling up grass and prodding a flower.

"Who are you?" Merry prompted impatiently. "Why are you here?"

"Oh, right. Well, I'm Kate."

"I'm Kira…"

And they explained, their very long explanations punctuated by input from Gimli and Éowyn. The hobbits listened quietly, and when the four had reached their conclusion, Merry said, "So, this is all the result of a story."

The girls nodded. They were sitting down now, as were all the canons.

Merry shuddered, almost imperceptibly. "Isengard. That is because of a story as well?"

"Yes."

Merry paused. "Did you write it?"

"No!" the girls yelled.

"We never wrote anything like that. We think it's awful," Kate said. "More than awful, really. It's so awful that on a scale of awfulness, it rates as…really, really awful."

"We want to make all thisss ssstop," Kira said. "That'ss why Gimli and Éowyn are helping usss. We're not all that good at ssurviving on our own."

"If it weren't for them, we'd be dead by now," Kate said.

"But we're doing the bessst we can. We jussst want to get home. But we're trying to fix things here firsssst," Kira finished. "Esspecially ssince we need to fix thingss to go home, apparently. "

"I see," said Merry, thoughtfully. He had a determined look as he said, "Then I'm coming too."

"What?"

Pippin looked from Merry to Éowyn to Gimli then back at the girls, and seeming to accept that there really was nowhere else to go (and he wasn't going anywhere without Merry, certainly) he said, "So . . . where are we going?"

"Are you certain?" Gimli asked. "'Tis no merry romp in the woods we're taking. I cannot tell you the number of times we nearly--"

"If we succeed, does that mean the world will go back to rights?" Merry asked.

"We hope."

"Then you have about as much of a chance of getting me to sit in some quiet city and wait for you to win as you did of getting me to stay in Rivendell back in the beginning," Merry said stubbornly. "I'm coming."

"We're coming," Pippin corrected.

"We're coming," Merry repeated.

"This isn't like the first time," Pippin said. "We're not silly, bumbling, little hobbits anymore. We know we're part of something bigger than we are. We want the world to be right again. But we can't make sure it gets fixed if we're sitting around somewhere with nothing to do but wait."

"Besides," Merry said, peering suspiciously at the girls. "If these two prove to be something other than what they are claiming to be, you may just need our help.

Kira opened her mouth as if to say something, but then shut it, and shook her head. She had no place, no right to say otherwise.

Gimli surveyed the hobbits sadly. No, they were not bumbling little hobbits anymore. To his dismay, he found he could hardly remember what it was like when they were cheerful and open and made him smile with their youthful antics. Faced with these cold, grim-faced versions of his friends, Gimli was saddened deeply.

But that was what war did--it stripped away innocence and naivete until all that was left was the cold hard truth that the world didn't care if you were bright and sunny and made people laugh. That wouldn't protect you when things took a turn for the worse. And what they had suffered through in Orthanc…

Gimli recalled Merry's frantic scrubbing in the river, even after the blood from his wounds had washed away, and the wounds themselves appeared to have healed.

No. The hobbits were too stained to be cleansed by water, and too wounded to heal. The war had caused a few of the scars, but the Stories…

No wonder they were as adamant to come as they had been the first time. This was far more personal.

"Aye, then," Gimli said, "Our number has grown."

"No one answered my question," Pippin reminded them, as the girls stood up and began brushing themselves off in preparation to go. "Where are--"

But Pippin's question was cut off by an unearthly shriek in the distance, and the group turned to see a band of orcs pouring over the hills from Orthanc, yelling and waving rusty weapons above their heads. Who knew where they had come from, but with Orthanc such a mess it wasn't too much of a surprise that something would go (even more) amiss.

Merry and Pippin screamed.

"Talk about deus ex machina," Kate said, eyes widening in terror.

"Deux ex machinae are supposed to be good!" Kira shouted.

Gimli turned to Kate. "Get us out of here."

"Where--"

"I don't care! Get us somewhere else now!" Gimli ordered.

The orcs were closing in…

"Grab onto me!" Kate shouted.

"What?" Merry yelped.

"Do as she says!" Éowyn commanded, grabbing Kate's sleeve. Kira got a hold on Pippin's collar.

They ran, and the brook soon burbled in an empty meadow.

The orcs slowed and stopped. One growled and turned to one of his companions. "Well, buggerit it all!" he exclaimed. "All we wanted to do was invite them to tea.

The other orc stared at the spot the group had been in. "We really need to work on our people skills.

Then they ambled off to have a tea party with those nice, beautiful girls who had showed them the error of their evil ways.

*****

*"A term in Japanese commonly used by anime and manga fangirls that means 'cute'! A district in Tokyo! Japanese horseradish, commonly eaten with sushi!"

**noodle

***As I thought, it up to me to do this. With my own hands, I shall smash evil into defeat. That's right! Until then, I must persevere. Awaken, oh pale soldier!