We no own, you no sue,

Good for us, better for you.

(Why? Because all you'll get is some lint and old gum wrappers. That's why.)

Lord of the Rings and characters belong to the awe-inspiring author that created them, J.R.R. Tolkien, and to whoever he sold the rights to (but mostly to him.) We're just borrowing it for our sick, twisted pleasure.

The same goes for Monty Python. We don't own it. We wish to God that we did, but we don't own it. Sigh.

The Protectors of the Plot Continuum belong Jay and Acacia, and are being used with their permission.

The Pencil Show belongs to Hikaness, and even though we only used a reference to the Pencil Show and not any actual stuff from the Pencil Show, we feel that we should still give Hika the credit due to her. TPS ROCKS, Hika!

So, in conclusion, we bow down to all the people we mentioned!!! We are not worthy to tie their shoes!

{Bow.}

*****

Suedom

by Andy and Saphie

Chapter Four:

Legolas and the Gingerbread

Castle of Doom

"Fair maidens who grace my sight with their beauty, my name is—"

"Legolasss," Kira sighed. "We know."

"And he's not even my lust object," Kate whined, twitching madly.

"I don't have a lusst object," Kira said. "How do you think I feel?"

"Well, I—" Kate started today, and stopped, blinking. "You know what? I honestly don't know."

Kira got up and dusted herself off, but she really didn't need to. There was no dirt on her dress due to her protective Mary Sue dirt barrier. "How the hell did we get to Mirkwood so fassst?"

"Time warp?" Kate replied. "Canonical inconsistencies?"

"We weren't even running in the direction of the Foresst river!! Grr! My precioussss," Kira growled.

"I know!" Kate said. "Well, actually, I didn't…but that's not the point!"

Legolas, who had been standing there with glazed eyes and a very confused expression on his face, finally spoke.

"Fair ladies, you are injured!"

"Are you hurt, Kate?" Kira asked.

Kate glanced over herself quickly. "Nope. Not that I know of."

Legolas drooled and shaded his eyes from Kate's Mary Sue-ish highlights as she looked up at him. She glared.

"You think if I stuck my head in a mud puddle it would make this," she yanked on her hair, "any less shiny?

"I fell in a lake and in the dirt and it didn't do anything," Kira reminded her.

"Fair ladies, I beseech thee, tell me thy deepest desires and I shall grant them." Legolas said, still drooling.

"I…um…like pie?" Kate said.

Kira laughed. . . sort of. It was more of a raspy, hissing heh, hehh, hehhh, like that annoying little dog that followed Dick Dastardly, the cartoon villain, around.

Suddenly, intruding into their minds like a mother-in-law during the holidays, the notorious Authors made themselves heard in Kate and Kira’s heads.

--"Oh, Legilos! Take me away to your kingsom so we should be wed and live happily ever after!" She said.--

The "she" applied to both of them.

"Lika hell!" they both said at the same time.

But before she even had a chance to react, Legolas reached over and picked Kira up and started to carry her off.

"Put me down, you pointy-eared Nancy-boy!!" Kira screamed, pounding him with her fists.

"What is this 'nancy' that you spaketh of?"

But he quickly forgot what he had asked and then stared at Kate trying to figure out how to carry her, too.

"Hey, no! Don’t even think about it!" She waved her arms to ward Legolas off.

"Fear not!" he cried. "For I shall call my flying unicorn to aid us!"

Kate gagged.

"NOOOO!!" Kira screamed, twitching. "I will not be ssaved by non-canonical animalsss!!!" She paused for a moment, then added, "Except for my dragon."

"Same here!" Kate said.

"But being evil, it would probably let me die anyway…" Kira added as an afterthought.

"Odorf would save us…if he hadn't been captured!" Kate cried.

"He got captured?!!" Kira yelled. "Crap!! My preciousss…"

"Your companion is held hostage? We must save him!" Legolas said heroically.

Kate slapped her forehead. Just then Legolas grabbed her and slung her over one shoulder. He slung Kira over his other.

"Well, thiss is dignified," Kira said.

"PUT ME DOWN!" Kate screamed.

He ignored them, and started to nance through the woods and with every stride, Kira's hurt shoulder bounced off of Legolas's shoulder.

"Ow, my precioussss.”

"HEY!" Kate screamed, flailing madly. "DON'T TOUCH ME THERE!"

"Ow. Whoa, you're looking for a sssexual harasssment lawsssuit, buddy…" Kira said. Then she sighed. "Kate, you might as well relax. He'sss not gonna put uss down."

"Well he should," Kate said, glaring at nothing in particular.

"We're jussst gonna have to go for a ride. Imagine 'Lijah'sss the one carrying usss. I'll imagine it's Dominic Monaghan or something. He'sss okay-looking. When not in cosstume, at leasst."

"Mmmm, Elijaaah," Kate went starry-eyed, thoroughly enjoying that mental image.

"Or Sean Astin. He wasss ssso cute in Rudy…"

Seeing Kate's odd stare she added, "For an older dude."

"Why can't I just kick him in the groin?" Kate complained. "I could probably manage it with my…" She gasped. "I almost suggested we use our 'Sue powers! I'm being corrupted!!”

Kate didn't have time to try kicking him, because just then Legolas reached his destination, a castle in the middle of the forest.

"Sssince when hasss there been a cassstle?" Kira said with a gasp.

"I dunno. Maybe it's for Thranduil."

"Who?" Legolas asked politely.

Kate made little indiscernible noises, which sounded suspiciously like curses in several different languages.

"I mean a big cavey, sstoney palace, yess," Kira went on, "but a fairy-tale casstle? Hey are thossse wallss made of gingerbread…?"

"What the…?" Kate yelled in dismay. "Elves never had gingerbread castles! This is ridiculous! This is an outrage! This…mmm, sour air heads!" She pulled a candy garland off the door as they passed.

"Red hotsss!!" Kira shouted happily, pulling one of a wall and eating one. "M'kay, ssso thisss plot inconsisstency ain't that bad…mmm, chocolate, my precioussss…"

"I second that,” Kate said, drinking Mountain Dew from a fountain.

Kira drank Mountain Dew: Code Red from another, and marveled at the variety of soft drinks the castle offered. She burped. “'Sscuse me."

Kate belched. “Put me down so I can drink properly," Kate whined.

"Yeah, Nancy," Kira agreed. To their relief, Legolas finally put them down.

"I still do not knoweth what this 'nancy' is."

Kira snerked. "Don't worry your blond, little, air head…mmm airheadsss—" she ate one "—about it."

"Go away, Nancy," Kate said, and she jumped in the Mountain Dew fountain and started splashing merrily.

"Aaagh! Kate, sstop!!"

"What?"

"You're nancing!!"

"I was not! I was being improper and unpolite!"

"Cough—Nancer—cough."

"I am not."

"Nancer, nancer, nancer!!!"

Kate slurped some more Dew very loudly and spit it at Kira. "Not not not!"

"Ewww! Ssspitty nancer!!" Kira threw Red Hots at Kate's head.

"I'm so glad you enjoy the palace, fair ladies. Now sleep, and rest well, for tomorrow we must travel to Rivanedell to talk with Lord Elrond about the ring."

Kate blinked in surprise. "NOOOOOOOOO! THE PPC ARE AT RIVENDELL! Or…Rivanedell…"

"CRAP!! Wait. The PPC can't be everywhere at once, can they? Maybe they left, my preciousss."

"Not unless they call in more agents."

"Ooh, file that under 'not good'!!" Kira exclaimed. "Let'ss jussst hope they're occupied elssewhere…or…or…" She perked up, a gleam of inspiration in her eyes. "Or we could go sssomewhere elsse."

"Yeah, run away!" Kate agreed.

"Lorien? Mordor, even? It would be better than here, at leasst. The world is our oyssster! It'sss not like we have any reassson to be here. . ."

"Maybe if we stay far away from everybody canonical, we won't get PPC'd…Why don't we go to…to…the Old Forest? Ninety-five percent of the Mary Sues don't even know it exists! I can tell you what Rincewind told me then."

"Good point! Then we can jussst chill. It'sss not like we have a quesst or anything," Kira said.

Kate gulped. "Well…uh…we kinda do." She scratched her head nervously. "Or so Rincewind said…"

For lack of a better word, Kira responded with, “Huh?"

Kate looked at her feet guiltily, and dug a toe into the dirt.

"Explain!" Kira said, hands on her hips, foot tapping impatiently.

"Uh…maybe we oughta get away from him first, eh?" She pointed at Legolas, who was standing around blinking like a zombie.

It was then that they heard the singing…

The alto voice rang like bells, of course. It was also completely in tune, never broke, and had a vibrato in all the right places.

It was perfect.

Kira tilted her head, listening. Then, hearing the words, she looked very confused.

"Dashboard Confesssional?"

The singing came closer. Kate climbed out of the fountain. She was perfectly clean and dry, of course.

"Who's that?"

"I'm not sure I wanna know. . ." Kira whimpered.

Then the elf walked in.

Her body was the over-hyped personification of the media-induced standards. Ginormous boobs, a tiny waist, curvy, yet almost nonexistent hips, and almost no butt. She was quote/un-quote "perfect."

Just like them.

Her hair was waist-length and blond, and her ears were delicately pointed, not unlike Kate's. Her eyes, however were a startling forest green, almost exactly like Kira's. Kira and Kate were both forces to squint. Those eyes were bright.

"Creeeeeeepy," They both intoned.

"My precioussss…" Kira added.

The girl stopped, her delicate, lacy white dress delicately swishing.

"My dearest Leggy," she said, with a whispery, delicate voice. She pursed her Angelina Jolie-caliber pouty lips, "who hast thou brought to our humble place of dwelling?"

"They doth be injured and wereth chasedeth by mad women wielding pitchforks. I savedth them and brought them hereth, my beloved."

Kate and Kira winced at his grammar.

"Anar kaluva tielyanna!" the elf-girl said. "The sun shall shine on your path."

Sudden understanding came to Kate and Kira, though Kate voiced it first.

"SHE'S A MARY-SUE, TOO!"

Kira nodded enthusiastically. "We have to sssave her! What if the PPC get to her?!"

"Save who? What is this Pee Pee Sea that you speak of?"

They giggled. They both had heard the spelling.

"Pee Pee Sea!"

"How dare you laugh at me!"

"And who are you?" Kate asked, still giggling.

The elf composed herself and looked as regal as she could.

"I am Calenmir, the Green Jewel, granddaughter of Elrond, great-granddaughter of the Lady Galadriel," she said airily. "I am also the keeper of the fifth elvish ring, the Ring of nature, Aldya."

The smiles dropped from their faces faster than the token black guy in a horror movie.

Kira started twitching. "Kate—” twITtcH “—did ssshe jussst—” TwItcH “—sssay what I think ssshe ssssaid?” twItCH.

Kate didn't answer. She was too busy gagging.

A nervous tic started on Kira’s left eye. She often twitched like that at home when she was nervous, and her half-gollum lineage only seemed to aggravate it. She started twitching uncontrollably now.

"Kate—” TWItch “—put—” tWItcH “—me—” tWiTch “—out of my—” twiTCH “—missssery now! I beg you!"

"I can't," Kate manage din between gags. "Who'll put me out of my misery?!"

"Why does your friend move so?" the 'Sue asked, nodding towards Kira, whose twitching had gone into full-out spastic convulsions now.

"You want to know why? I'll tell you why!!" Kate shrieked, getting past her gagginess. "Because there is no fifth Elven Ring, that's why!! There isn’t even a fourth one!"

"But I carry it…" The blond-haired, green-eyed elf 'Sue said, and she looked as if someone had pulled the world put from under her. She stared at the green-stoned ring on her right-hand ring finger.

"No you don't! There's only three! THREEEEE!!" Kate screamed, holding out two fingers. Seeing her mistake she held out a third. "THREEEEE!!!!"

Then suddenly inspired, she spoke again, more calmly this time. "Twere a book written, a history of Middle-Earth, and then Tolkien spake, saying, 'First shalt thou make the Elven Rings! They, shalt thou count to three," she held out three fingers, "no more, no less! Three," she held out three fingers again, "shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three!" She held out three fingers. "Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three!" She held out three fingers (yet again.) "Five is right out!! Once the number three," three fingers, "being the third number, be reached, then thou shalt maketh no more Elven Rings!'

"Amen," Kira said faintly. TwItCH.

And, either from nerves, or the Mary Sue tendency to swoon when upset, she passed out.

Legolas ran to her side. "She need mouth-to-mouth!" he shouted, and Kate wondered how he even knew what mouth-to mouth was in the first place.

Kira sat up quickly. "I'm okay! I'm okay!" she screamed, shoving the elf away. She jumped to her feet.

Kate, however wasn't paying attention to Kira and Legolas. She was watching the 'Sue.

"M-monty Python?" the elf-girl whispered to herself, her green eyes wide. She looked lost and very confused.

Kate gasped. "Yes, Monty Python! You know, 'And now for something completely different!' 'We are the Knights who say: NI!' 'I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay! I sleep all night and I work all day!' 'Tis merely a flesh wound! ''Bring out your dead!' 'She's a witch! Burn her!'"

"She turned me into a newt!" The elf girl paused. "I got better," she added.

"YES! That's IT!! What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow? Cummon! You can answer it!"

"African or European?" the girl asked. Then she staggered like a drunkard and started to come back to herself.

"What's your name? Come on, you can say it! And it's not Calenmir!"

"My name is…Elenna."

"Allow me to show you fair ladies thy rooms," Legolas chimed in suddenly.

Suddenly, Elenna went back into her character with an audible snap. She was Calenmir the elf 'Sue once more. "Yes, we shall show you to your rooms."

"Dang!" Kate sighed.

"Your rooms are this way," Legolas said, and he started to lead them down a hallway.

"I hope they're far away from yours," Kate intoned.

As Legolas led them down the hallway, Kira picked candy off of the walls. She looked fruitlessly at her dress to try to find pockets. So then she just stuffed it down her front. "For later," she said when Kate lifted her eyebrows.

Kate looked at Elenna, no, Calenmir, walking regally ahead of them.

"I almost unbrainwashed the 'Sue," Kate whispered.

"Really? What do you mean 'almossst?'"

"Well, technically I did, but then she became brainwashed again when Legolas talked to her."

"How did you do it?"

"Monty Python references."

"Behold the power of Python," Kira said, nodding reverently.

Legolas stopped at two frosting-covered doors, and Calenmir walked elsewhere in the candied palace. Then Legolas just stood there, as if waiting for something.

"Um…g'nite? My…um, sssweet, handsssome, cough—Nancy—cough, Leggy," Kira said, hoping that maybe that would appease him. "Could you maybe leave usss alone now?"

He still stood there, eyes glazed over.

Kate yawned fakely. "Oh, looketh at the timeth…dost thou haveth a roometh for us…eth?"

"Yeah, we kinda want to sssleep-eth."

--Then the maiden kissed him passionately good night, and he followed her into the room. They laid together on a bed of roses, and as two souls became one . . .--

"LIKE HELL!" Kate and Kira screamed.

"Where are our rooms!" Kate screeched.

"This way." The two doors opened to enormous rooms beyond.

"Spiffy…eth," Kate said.

"Um…Kate…I think we should maybe sssleep in the ssssame room." She nodded towards Legolas. "They don't have locks."

"Yeah, I think you're right." She turned to Legolas. "Can we…like…share?"

Legolas blinked in surprise and look somewhat uncomfortable. "I suppose…you fair maidens aren't…er…together, are you?"

A lightbulb figuratively appeared over Kate's head.

"Oh, yes, we are." She put an arm around Kira's shoulder and grinned fakely.

"What? Whoa, Kate, I don't bark up that kinda tree…" Kira said, looking very scared. Then at this most inopportune time, her speech impediment kicked in and she unwillingly added, "My precioussss."

Legolas blushed red from ear to ear and looked rather disgusted. "Er…I…uh…good night."

He ran off.

Kate removed her arm.

Kira stepped several feet away.

"Hey, it got rid of him, didn't it?" Kate said.

"Ohhhh. It was a trick! Ohhhh. Brilliant! Cough—lesbo—cough."

Kate smacked her upside the head.

"Ow."

“You know, you’d think he’d be into a kinky threesssome.” Kira waggled her eyebrows suggestively and received another smack upside the head for her efforts.

“Ow.”

"Cummon, I gotta tell you what Rincewind said."

They walked into the room. Already, dresses just like their own were laid out on the bed, along with bags of supplies and water bottles.

"Creeeeeepy," they both said.

"My preciousss," Kira added.

Then Kate shut the door, and barricaded it with a gingerbread chair.

"Just in case he tries to…er…'change our minds,'" Kate said with a shudder. Kira shuddered, too.

"If he really wanted to get in, he could eat hisss way in," she pointed out.

"We'll just have to stay awake all night then," Kate said. "And we'll probably have to. I have a lot to tell you…"

*****

Fast Forward past the boring explanation part…

*****

“We have to WHAT?!!”

Kate nodded furiously.

Kira shook her head incredulously and her left eye twitched ever so slightly.

“The first Mary Sssue?"

"Yeah! I told you that dragon was evil! So, anyway, some of these girls might not have even heard of Lord of the Rings! They may just think they've been chosen for a big, fun adventure, and then the PPC come and kill them!"

"That’s horrible!” Kira exclaimed. “Well, at least she/he/it whatever it isss warned usss…but how are we gonna do thisss though? We have to stop it ssomehow!"

"I haven't the slightest clue. We're looking for a bridge. But we don't know where it is. And we don't know what it looks like. And once we get there, I don't even know how we're going to destroy it."

"I'm not a hero! I can't even get a sstinking jelly jar open at home! And I have a ssspeech impediment here! Although I ssseem to be able to control it ssomewhat now. My—"

She clamped her mouth shut.

"I'm the whitest white girl I know!" Kate exclaimed. "I can't even walk around the block without getting tired! My only physical strength is in my HANDS! From TYPING all day!" She held up her hands, which, as a Mary-Sue, were weak and frail. "Look, I don't even have calluses on my left hand anymore!"

"Well, we have Mary Sssue abilitiessss now, probably, but if we ussse them we might get brainwashed."

"I can't play the guitar in this body!" Kate said, glaring at her blindingly white hands.

“What are we going to do?” Kira said miserably.

Kate just kept glaring at her hands. "Isn't this just peachy! End sarcasm."

"If we don't use Mary Sssue abilitiesss we're weaker than ever, and if we use them we might go bonkersss," Kira said.

"Lovely choices. Either way, we've got to get out of here before Nancy wakes up. He'll try and take us to Rivendell."

Kira started singing.

We need to run, run, run,

real far away, way, way.

And never come back, back, back,

another day, day, day…

Kate glared.

"Sssorry. It'sss hard to keep from ssssinging."

"Don’t do it! It's Sue-ish! Which bugs me, because I sing at random anyway back at home."

"At leassst it sssounded like the theme song from the Pencil Show." Kira shook her head. “Anyway, the way I sssee it there are only a few charactersss that might not be ssslandered…Gimli, for obviouss reasonsss."

"Gandalf? He would be useful, but no, he's always slandered."

"Tom Bombadil! Ssince no one who hasn't read the book knowss who is and ssince no one likeses him! Although, he'ss creepy." She shuddered.

"Yeah! And he's naturally an annoying pervert to begin with…sorta. But it'll be good to have Goldberry on our sides, too."

"Goldberry! I didn't think of her! Okay, then there'sss Treebeard, maybe, and some of the Entses."

"Yeah, not many 'Sues have probably gotten to them yet, what with the second movie not out yet and all. Ooh! What about Eomer and Theoden? No, there's probably a Sue that's gotten to them somewhere too…"

"And um…um…wow…is that it? Gimli, Treebeard, Tom Bombadil, and Goldberry…Even the Dark Lord and Sssarumon have been sslandered—not that we’d want to deal with them, anyway. Are there any other charactersss left unssslandered?”

"Nope, and no doubt poor Treebeard and the Ents'll be slandered soon," Kate sighed.

"At leassst we might have Gimli. He'sss tough. He'll be ussseful."

"Yeah, hopefully the Sues here won't pay attention to him. Then he'll be normalish."

"Although, I'm worried. An Author obviousssly got to Thorin and the other dwarvesss." Kira sighed.

"Poor, poor Thorin. I had hopes for him."

"I did too." Kira looked out the window, and squinted at the painful light streaming in. "Sssun'sss rissssing unusually early. Ssstupid time dissstortionsss. We'd better get ready to run…hey, you know what? I'm sssstill hungry."

Suddenly they heard a banging at the door. Someone was trying to push into the room.

"Fair maidens, pray tell are you awake…why won't the door open?"

They gasped.

"Crap!" Kira shouted.

"We gotta get out of here now!" Kate screamed.

"Window!" Kira pointed.

They grabbed the bags of food and water-bottles. Then they frantically scrambled out of the window, and climbed down licorice vines and the rutted gingerbread walls of the castle.

When they hit the bottom, Kate snagged some gingerbread from the wall to eat later.

"Good thinking.” Kira did likewise.

Then she took the candy out from between her boobs and put it in her bag.

"I can't believe you're going to eat that," Kate said disgustedly.

Kira shrugged and gnawed on an airhead. "I once ate a Tasssty Kake off the cafeteria floor."

Kate stuck out her tongue in disgust.

"Frossting down. There was crunchy sstuff in it..."

"Okay, Old Forest is it then?" Kate asked, grimacing, and quickly changing the subject.

"Yesss. Goldberry is waiting…" Kira said. Then she upbraided herself. "Damn. Sssaid a line from the book."

Then something caught her eye.

She walked over to a nearby tree stuck full of arrows. Scattered around it were playing cards.

They all had holes in them.

“Cards?” Kira murmured.

"PPC?" Kate suggested.

Kira shuddered, gathered them up, and stuck them in her bag. "Might be usseful."

"Fair maidens! Where are you going?!" Legolas called from the window.

"RUN!!" Kira screamed.

"What about Elenna?!"

"Our first priority is the sssaving our own asses! Then, it's the Bridge! Other 'Sues come last!"

Kate looked back at the Gingerbread Castle, and thought about the girl stuck inside. She couldn't help remembering those wide eyes and that lost, confused look on her face.

Hang on, Elenna, Kate thought. We'll free you…somehow.

Then she ran on. "Old Forest, Old Forest, not Rivendell,” she said.

Suddenly the forest disappeared, and the air seemed to blur around them.

They both yelped and stopped running.

“What the hell jusst happened?”

“It happened to me before,” Kate said. “We can move very, very fast. It’s a Mary Sue thing, I think.”

They were now standing on a hilltop. All around them were other hills, shrouded in gray mist, but they were becoming less and less visible in the fading light.

It got dark very, very quickly.

"Hey, wasn't it sssunrise a sssecond ago?" Kira asked nervously.

A thick, wet fog rolled in around them.

"Whuh-oh…" Kira said.

For lack of anything better to do, and because they were too frightened to stay in one place, they kept walking forward. The ground sloped upward as they took step after cautious step and soon they were at the top of a hill. A huge standing stone rose above them.

"Oh no…" Kate said.

"Are we where I think we are?" Kira asked, about ready to wet her pants.

"The Barrow Downs…" Kate whispered, shaking.

Kira moaned in fear. “We need to get out of here,” she whispered, her teeth chattering.

Kate whimpered. "Agreed. I really don't want to be heeere…"

Kira looked behind her at her friend, only to find that Kate had disappeared from view. She panicked. "Kate! KATE! Where are you?!"

"Barrow-Wights scare me…" Kate murmured fearfully. Then she noticed that Kira was gone. "Kira? Are you here?"

"I can't sssee you!"

"Stop hiding! This isn't funny!"

"I can hear you but I can't sssee you! Where are you? Keep yelling! Kate!"

"I'm HERE!"

"Kate?"

"Kira!" Kate reached her arms out into the darkness, feebly trying to feel something, anything in the emptiness. "Kira!"

"Kate!" Kira's voice was fading. "KATE!?"

Her voice kept fading, getting farther and farther away.

"Oh God no! Help!! HELP!!" Kira's voice was full of fear and sounded impossibly far off.

There was another trailing cry of heeeelp!…that was cut off.

There was silence.

Kate was alone in the fog.

"KIRA! Oh this is very not good…"

"Where are you?" a voice asked. “Who are you that wanders alone in the dark…”

"Wh-who's there?"

Silence.

"Who are you?"

Silence.

"I'm so confused.” Though she hadn’t spoken loud, her voice echoed.

Silence.

"Maybe if I stay here, someone will find me…" she said, knowing full well it wouldn't happen.

There was just more silence.

Finally, she couldn't take it anymore.

"KIRA!" Kate screamed. "Where are you?!"

"Here!" said a voice, deep and cold, that seemed to come from the ground. "I am waiting for you!"

She shook with fear, and her heart pounded erratically.

"What are you? What do you want?"

Suddenly she had the ominous feeling that something was behind her. She whipped around and looked up to see two eyes, very cold, and lit with a pale light that seemed to come from a great distance. A tall, dark figure loomed over her. She whimpered and wished desperately that she could remember the rhyme to call Tom Bombadil.

Then a grip stronger and colder than iron seized her and she remembered no more.

*****

A/N: Uh-oh. Things are not looking good for our two *cough* heroes *cough.*

Will they escape the deadly Barrow-wights?

Read on!

*****

A note from Saphie to all those who adore Legolas:

Ahem.

We do not hate Legolas, though it may seem that way. He's just too obvious a choice that's all (I like unique-looking guys, personally, redheads and such. And Andy adores Elijah.)

So, do not be offended by what seems to be a hatred of the elfy-one. We are just not attracted to Legolas. Though, I will admit that I think Orlando Bloom’s a hottie…

Anyway, we think Tolkien’s Legolas is cool. Mary Sue Author-influenced Legolas is NOT. Therefore we are disgusted by him. (Though we do pity the poor fella greatly.)