We no own, you no sue,

Good for us, better for you.

(Why? Because all you'll get is some lint and old gum wrappers. That's why.)

Lord of the Rings and characters belong to the awe-inspiring author that created them, J.R.R. Tolkien, and to whoever he sold the rights to (but mostly to him.) We're just borrowing it for our sick, twisted pleasure.

The same goes for Monty Python. We don't own it. We wish to God that we did, but we don't own it. Sigh.

Oh, and the Protectors of the Plot Continuum belong Jay and Acacia, and are being used with their permission.

More OFUM references in this chapter. We obviously do not own that either. That belongs to Camilla Sandman.

We bow down to them all! We are not worthy to lick the dust off their shoes!

Besides, that sounds gross.

*****

Suedom

by Andy and Saphie

Chapter Five: Kate Makes an Even Bigger

Fool of Herself Than Usual

Kate awoke much later, cold and sore.

Damn. Must remember not to fall asleep on the floor again, she thought, and opened her eyes.

"Oh man…" she moaned.

She was not, as she had thought, somewhere on the floor in her nice, comfortable home. The place she was in could only be described as a tomb. Not far away, Kira was lying unconscious on the floor with a long sword across her neck. The naked blade glinted with a cold light.

Kate rubbed her all-too-soft hands together fitfully.

"I gotta be brave. Gotta be brave like Frodo…" she muttered, but her voice was shaking like a leaf in a gale. She registered the fact that she could breathe freely again, something she hadn't been able to do in the monstrously tight dress the Author had given her. She looked down curiously at the white robes she was now garbed in.

"What is it with Barrow Wights and white robes…" she murmured to herself, looking around. Suddenly a cold voice spoke. It was dry and grating, like the scrape of a stone lid in a tomb.

Cold be hand and heart and bone,

And cold be sleep under stone:

Never more to wake on stony bed,

Never, till the Sun fails and the Moon is dead.

In the black wind the stars shall die,

And still on gold here let them lie,

Till the Dark Lord lifts his hand

Over dead sea and withered land.

At about that point, Kate's heart pretty much dropped right out of her chest and into her feet. She whimpered like a lost puppy, but started to repeat her little mantra to herself.

“Be brave like Frodo…be brave like Frodo…”

--The barrow-white reached into teh room…--

"Be brave like Frodo, brave like Frodo…" she was saying, when suddenly a creaking and scraping sound caught her attention. Kate whirled around and stared in horror at the arm that was reaching slowly the doorway. Curiously enough, it was bright white. Kate probably would have taken time to comment on bad spelling if she hadn't been close to wetting herself. The arm continued across the room, reaching towards the hilt of the sword lying on Kira's neck.

"Oooh maan!" Kate moaned. It was going to chop Kira's head off! At this point, either panic caused Kate to loose full grasp of her mental capacities or she was just too chicken to run towards the grasping hand, because either way she ran up to the creature’s upper arm and feebly kicked it.

"Ow ow ow!" she shrieked, jumping up and down and holding her toe. "@$%# Wight! Need a weapon…"

She glanced at the sword. Well, there was nothing else for it… Kate ran over to Kira and hoisted the sword above her friend’s neck. It was much heavier than it looked. With a strained grunt, she swung it wildly and slashed at the Wight (or White, according to the spelling) as best she could with her weak Mary Sue arms. The sword shattered at the hilt.

"Cheap weaponry," commented Kate. She threw the useless hilt at the creature’s arm as hard as she could.

Though the sword’s blade hadn’t caused any damage, its hilt did. The odd green light in the tomb faded and there was a hideous shriek that caused Kate to clap her hands over her sensitive Elven ears. The arm retracted, and there was a sudden snarling noise from the creature. Kate looked up, her urpley-wilver eyes wide with fear as she glanced at the opening the arm had reached through, when a voice in dark spoke.

"The rhyme might work," it said.

"But I don't…" Kate started to say, then blinked and stopped. "Huh?"

She turned around, and a now-conscious Kira waved at her.

"When you sstabbed it you broke the ssspell, I guesss," Kira explained.

"KIRA!" Kate shrieked, and tacklehugged her in an overly enthusiastic manner. "Thank the Valar!"

"Can't—breathe—” Kira gasped.

"Wow! I broke the spell?" Kate said, amazed at her *cough* heroic deed. "Just like Frodo," she reflected, and let go. There was an abrupt bout of new snarling, and the girls suddenly remembered that they were still in a big-arse pile of trouble.

"I would say the rhyme, but I…er…" Kate broke off, ashamed. "I don't remember it."

"I think I do," Kira started to say, but Kate broke in.

"I’m ashamed!" she wailed. "What kind of Fan of the Ring am I?! And whatever's snarling, I don't like it!" she blinked suddenly as Kira's statement registered in her brain. "You do? Great. What is it?"

Kira sighed, and started singing at the top of her lungs.

Ho! Tom Bombadil, Tom Bombadillo!

By water, wood and hill, by the reed and willow,

By fire, sun and moon, harken now and hear us!

Come, Tom Bombadil, for our need is near us!

As she finished, Kate repeated it. Kira hung her head in shame. "I'm such a nerd," she muttered.

"No, I'm proud of you," Kate said earnestly, patting Kira on the head. "I just hope ole' Tommy-boy doesn't mind us bothering him." No sooner had she finished speaking than a new voice rang out.

Old Tom Bombadil is a merry fellow,

Bright blue his jacket is, and his boots are yellow.

None has ever caught him yet, for Tom, he is the master

His songs are stronger songs, and his feet are faster.

"YAY!" Kira cheered.

"SPIFFY! He heard us!" Kate cried, grinning from ear to ear. The stones around them suddenly crumbled and collapsed, letting in sunlight.

"Ow. UV rays," Kate said, covering her eyes (for the formerly Ever-Present Ray-Bands had long since disappeared.)

There was Tom, bright blue jacket, beard and all, standing in the sunlight, larger than life.

"WOOOT!" Kate cheered, sticking her fingers in her mouth and whistling, despite the fact that she previously could not do the finger-whistle thing to save her soul. "GO TOM!"

Tom removed his hat, and came into the dark chamber, singing:

Get out, you old Wight! Vanish in the Sunlight!

Shrivel like the cold mist, like the winds that go wailing,

Out into the barren lands far beyond the mountains!

Come never here again! Leave your barrow empty!

Lost and forgotten be, darker than the darkness,

Where gates stand forever shut, till the world is mended.

There was a cry, and an inner part of the chamber collapsed. With a fading “yelp, yelp, yelp,” the voice of the Wight (or White) faded into unguessable distance. There was a sudden silence, and Kate blinked.

"That was semi-odd," she said, and she suddenly grinned broadly. "Oh well! WOOOT!"

"Thank youuu!" Kira cried, hugging Tom tightly.

"Can't—breathe—" Tom gasped.

"Sorry," Kira said, but didn't let go.

"Dude, you ROCK!" Kate yelled, slapping Tom jovially on the back before prying Kira off. Tom took a deep breath to get the lovely blue tinge out of his face and faced them.

"Now what be you a-doing here and how did you know my rhyme?" he asked.

"Uh…" Kate said. "Um…we, uh…like pie?"

Tom stared at her and shrugged.

"Questions will be answered later, I suppose. Let's get on the clean grass, and into warm sun."

"YES!" Kate shouted happily, as the three walked out into the sunlight. "I didn't like that place."

"My eyessss, they burn like fire!" Kira groaned, squinting as the sun struck her face.

"You're part Gollum, that's to be expected," Kate said, before realizing that it was probably not a good idea to have admitted that Kira was of Gollum ancestry in front of Tom.

"The yellow face," Kira hissed. "I hates the yellow face…"

Tom, however, paid them no heed and kept right on walking.

He stopped.

"Wait right here," he said, and he disappeared back into the barrow. When he returned, his arms were full of jewels and treasure.

"Purdy," Kate said, staring at the jewelry. "Cursed, but purdy."

"You've found yourselves again, out of the deep water. Clothes are but a little loss, if you escape from drowning. Be glad, my merry friends, and let the warm sunlight heat now heart and limb. Cast off these old rags. Run naked on the grass, while Tom goes a-hunting."

Kira blinked.

"YOU PERVERT!" Kate gasped, glaring at the old man and turning so that her overly ample bosom faced away from him.

"Ewwwwww!" Kira said, as Tom skipped off. "Eww! Okay, ssscrew Tom Bombadil…" Her eyes went wide. "Not literally," she cried, "Not literally!"

Kate shuddered. "Too late, bad mental image."

"What I mean iss we should jusst get out of here," Kira explained.

"Yeah, but in Barrow-Wight clothes?" Kate said, pointing at Kira's new garb.

"You're right," Kira said. "Thiss thing hasss a lower neckline than my dresss did." She shuddered, thinking of what Legolas might have tried had she and Kate been wearing something as revealing as the barrow-wight robes in Mirkwood.

"Yuck. What do we do?" Kate wondered out loud.

"And my shoulder still really hurtss. I can move my hand and fingersss again, jussst as well as usssual, and my arm’ss not weak or anything, but I think it'ss ssstarting to get infected," Kira continued. "Iss it ssuppossed to ssmell like almondsss?"

"I dunno. I'm no doctor. But I like almonds, so maybe it isn't that bad." Kate looked at her clothes and thought carefully. "We could always borrow a dress or two from Goldberry."

Kira ignored Kate and looked at her shoulder. "I think it'ss getting gangrenousss…"

"Hey, my hearties," Tom said, returning without warning and making them jump. "Tom be back again, and he's brought you some ponies."

"Uh…yay?" Kate said, not entirely sure if she was glad that Tom had come back.

"Goldberry's waiting," Tom added.

"Hey, Kate. I don't think it'ss his fault he'sss a perv," Kira said a few minutes later, as they sat atop the ponies on the way to Tom's house. "I think he can only ssay lines from the book."

"Yeah, maybe he was born…er, made that way," Kate said. "I wonder if he can heal. 'Cause if he can't, we may just have to go to Elrond after all."

Tom suddenly turned around and looked straight at the girls low necklines.

"Nice robes," he said, winking.

"Eep!" Kira turned a bright shade of red and Kate crossed her legs tightly. "Okay, sso I was wrong. Pleassse, let Goldberry be normal…”

"Oh I hope so," Kate said, trying not to fall off while sitting side-saddle. "That was disturbing."

The three got to Tom's house in a disconcertingly short amount of time, which was usually the case in this messed up version of Middle Earth. Goldberry was waiting to greet them at the door. Kate was just walking up the steps when she started talking.

"Groovy! You brought visitors! Free spirits are always welcome here!"

Kate screamed.

"'Groovy?'" Kira repeated.

"Duuude! Goldberry is a hippie!" Kate wailed. She suddenly stopped and considered the situation.

"AAAUGH!" Kira cried, then suddenly stopped. "Wait…hippiess are cool!".

"Actually, they are," Kate admitted. "But Goldberry isn’t one!" she resumed wailing.

"Come on in strangers!" Goldberry said.

"Okay, but just because I'm hungry," Kate replied, calming down, and started walking inside.

"We'll swap stories, exchange philosophies, we'll harmonize with the universe." Goldberry continued.

"Can we eat first?" Kate asked.

"Um, yeah. How 'bout we harmonize with sssome food?" Kira added.

"Whatever's your bag, maaan."

"I can't decide whether this is cool or disturbing. You think she wears bellbottoms?" Kate said quietly to Kira.

"Maybe. That'll be cool. Then we can ask her for'em," Kira said as they walked into the house, where four half-pintish figures were sitting around a table.

Kira's jaw dropped about a mile. "Oh…my…God…"

Kate gasped and turned bright red. "S-s-s-s-s-sweet L-lady Elbereth on a…a…Frodo…" she muttered as one of the hobbits looked up.

He had bright blue eyes and was quite fair to see, but he didn't look very much like Elijah Wood. Kate didn't seem to mind. She looked as though she'd been shot through the heart with about a dozen of Cupid's arrows.

"He's just like I imagined him…" she said quietly, staring at the hobbit, who turned to Goldberry.

"Who are they?" he asked her, and he seemed overjoyed to see one of the Fair Folk. But if he was overjoyed, then the hobbit sitting next to him was in ecstasy, judging from the look on his face. It was filled with delight.

It’s Kate, Kira thought. He hasn’t seen many Elves yet. He must be thinking all his birthdays have come at once, seeing so many within such a short amount of time. Why, he must have seen Gildor’s troupe only days ago.

That hobbit had to be Sam.

"We don't know yet. They, just, like showed up, maaaan," Goldberry said to Frodo, as Kate suddenly seemed to remember she could speak at above five decibels.

"M-my name is Kate!" she said, not wanting to be introduced as "Fishywishylishiel". "And…uh…who are you?"

"For the last time, I'm not a man. I'm a hobbit!” the halfling said, standing up and turning to Kate. He smiled politely and bowed. "Elen síla lúmenn omentilmo."

Kate stared at him, looking distinctly out of it and wishing she could remember the proper thing to say back. "Nice to meet you…"

Frodo turned to Kira. "And who, may I ask, are you?"

"Kira," the half-gollum in question said calmly, in stark contrast to Kate, who by this time looked like a Sue'd cherry tomato.

"It's a pleasure to meet you. My name is…” He hesitated for a moment.

Probably wondering whether to go by Baggins or Underhill, Kira though.

The hobbit looked at Kate and seemed reassured by the fact that she was an Elf. Even if that Elf was staring at him rather a lot.

“My name is Frodo Baggins," the hobbit finally said. Kate smiled rather stupidly.

"Hiii…" she sighed as the rest of the hobbits introduced themselves.

"I'm Meriadoc Brandybuck. Please call me Merry," said another hobbit with a nod. He went back to munching on an apple.

"I'm Peregrin Took. Call me Pippin. Or Pip, if you please," another added as he went back to his food. In the meantime, the fourth hobbit (who could have only been Sam) continued to stare at Kate.

"Hello!" Kate said politely, not noticing Sam. Which may have been because she was too busy staring at Frodo. She suddenly yanked Kira aside.

"He's…not…Sued!" she whispered, looking as though she was about to die from happiness. "He's him!"

"The Authorsss have only watched the movie! They don't know about the Old Foressst!" Kira said, looking rather pleased, if not quite as joyous as her Elvish friend. Kate looked the happiest she'd been since she became a Mary Sue. Heck, she looked happier than she had since the whole adventure started.

"Isn't it wonderful?" she sighed, staring back at Frodo.

"Goldberry and Tom musst only be messsed up from repercusssionss on Middle-Earth from other crap, not from direct influence by an author," Kira deduced. “They’re very closssely tied with the earth, whether they’re Maiar, nature spiritss, or whatever.”

"I wonder why the hobbits aren't. Then again, they are speaking English," Kate said, when she suddenly noticed Sam staring at her.

"Um…hello!" she said to the hobbit-gardener, causing him to turn a bright shade of red and look away.

"Aww, he'ss jusst sstaring becausse you're an Elf," Kira said, smiling at the shy hobbit. Kate considered that.

"That's not too uncanonical. Sam got a bit tongue-tied around Elves in the beginning," she said, wondering if she could, perhaps, sit next to Frodo.

"The only Elves he's seen are Gildor and his little troupe, as of yet," Kira said.

"Oh, this is wonderful! Have you noticed that they're not open and overly trusting? It's great!" Kate added, grinning.

"Yeah. They ssseem okay," Kira continued. "A bit guarded almosst, which makes sssensse. We're ssstrangersss and they're guarding their big secret, the Ring."

Frodo's eyes suddenly widened and he gasped.

"Whuh oh…" Kira said, her own eyes growing slightly in size. "I think he heard me…"

It was remarkable how quickly Kate could change her expression from one of loving adoration to one of sudden panic. "Uh…we…uh…"

Frodo backed away from the girls as the other hobbits jumped up from the table.

"We didn't mean anything!" Kate yelped. "Uh…what? Why are you staring at us? I know the necklines are low already!"

"Craptacular," Kira moaned.

"Who are you?" Frodo asked, staring at them suspiciously, his hand straying slowly to his pocket.

"Ooh no…Ooh noo…" Kate moaned. She wanted desperately to scream 'WE'RE POOR DEFENSELESS FANGIRLS TRAPPED AS MARY SUES AND I DON'T EVEN HAVE MY DRAGON!' but thought better of it.

"Now Frodo," Merry said, placatingly. "What are you getting so worked up about?"

"These women just happen to stumble into the Old Forest, alone and unguarded in the wilds, and wind up here? And now they talk of the Ring?" Frodo said, looking ready to run if need be. "I don't trust them! They're hiding something. They are not what they seem!"

"Yeah, you know the secret that…uh…I'm not a natural blonde!" Kate said, grasping for an excuse, since she really did not want to be killed by her hero and love interest, and if he was provoked enough, she knew he just might. "Please don't tell anyone!"

Kira sensed that Kate's lie (well, actually, truth) about her hair wouldn’t cut it, and decided it was best to tell them the truth (well, some of it anyway).

"Yesss, we know about the Ring, but we're not here to hurt you."

"KIRA!" Kate shrieked, looking horrified. Frodo jumped at the mention of the Ring.

"What?" Kira asked, "We might as well be honessst!"

Kate looked from her friend to the hobbits and sighed. "Okay, so it's true! We know! But we really don't want to hurt you! We don't even want to get in your way! Really…we don't…" she said, staring at Frodo with that star struck half smile she'd been using ever since she entered Tom Bombadil's kitchen. "We have a different quest…thingy."

The other hobbits jumped in front of Frodo, looking about as intimidating as three hobbits can look. Tom and Goldberry merely seemed to have no idea what was going on.

"I don't know who sent you," Merry said menacingly, "but to get to Frodo you're going to have to go through us first!"

"We don't want to hurt you! Really, we don't! I swear on the name of Elbereth!" Kate said, hoping that daring to use the name of the Lady of the Stars would have some effect on the hobbits.

It didn't.

"You're not laying a finger on my master!" Sam shouted fists raised. “I won’t let you hurt him!”

"I'm not trying to! I wouldn't do that!" Kate insisted. Kira glanced at the front door, wondering how quickly she could drag Kate through it.

"One's an elf, Frodo. Doesn't that mean we can trust her?" Pippin asked his cousin quietly. "Maybe she was one of the elves with Gildor."

"Yeah, sshe iss!" Kira interjected at just about the same time Kate shouted "I'm not one of those mindless hormonal fangirls!" she stopped, biting her lower lip. "Uh…" she continued. "Gildor! Yes! I was with Gildor!"

Frodo stared at Kate for a second or two and turned his gaze to Kira. "What about you?" he asked, pointing a trembling finger at the half Gollum.

"Um, I'm from Gondor?" Kira suggested.

"Gondor? What's that?"

"That, Pippin, is a country in the South," Merry said. "I think,” he added.

“Why does it sound so familiar? Did you hear it in a tale, or did Sam mention it when he told us all he found out from eavesdropping?”

Kate giggled. That was one of her favorite parts.

"Why are you laughing?" Sam demanded.

"Whuh-oh, maybe we should leave," Kira suggested.

"It's just…kind of funny…" Kate said, and looked at Frodo one more time. "Maybe you're right. Maybe we should go." Her expression turned to one of perfect misery.

"So you can flee to the Enemy? I should think not!" Frodo said.

"Okay, so we stay?" Kira asked.

"I'd stay with you forever…" Kate sighed, smiling sappily at Frodo, who stared back, trying to decide what to make of the strange elf. Kate, meanwhile, realized what she'd just said and turned a lovely shade of red. She started slapping her forehead into her hand.

The hobbits stood there, trembling, as Frodo looked even more confused.

"Stupid stupid stupid…" Kate cursed.

"What are you? Really?" Frodo asked slowly. Kate whimpered. "You're no elf, and you're no normal Big Person. What are you both?"

There was a brief silence that laid heavily on the room.

"I'm a poor lost fangirl with an immense crush on you and I'm trapped in the body of a Mary Sue. Are you happy now?" Kate muttered quietly, staring at her weak hands.

"You speak in a language I do not understand. Fangirl? Mary Sue? Wait! You intend to crush me?" Frodo looked at her with new fear.

"Nooo!" Kate wailed, looking panicked. "Never! Just let me at the twisted soul who does!!"

Frodo started to speak again, but this time it sounded like gibberish to Kate and Kira's untrained ears.

"Whuh-oh," Kira said.

"Duuude!" Kate cried. "Now we’re too in-canon! He's speaking Weston, isn't he? I knew I should have bought the Guide to the Languages of Middle Earth!" She put her head in her hands as Frodo spoke some more and Goldberry turned into a non-hippie. Frodo was beginning to look even angrier and more scared. His companions were as well.

"Dang. Now I can't propose to him," Kate muttered inanely, and laughed weakly at her own fangirlish ways. Kira groaned.

"Kate, we have to leave. Let the canon be at peace," she said. Kate nodded sadly and turned to Frodo.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you, I love you!" she said very quickly, grabbed Kira, and ran out of the door as if all the mini-Balrogs of OFUM were on her heels. Once they were far enough away, Kate slowed down and started to sniffle despondently.

"We had to leave, Kate," Kira said, looking sorry for her friend.

"I know. It's better this way," Kate muttered through her hands. "But I didn't mean to upset them so much!" She looked up at Kira, her unnaturally urpley-wilver eyes now filled with tears. "And he was unsued! Unsued!! Those were the real hobbits! Well…real in a literary sense…"

"The fluctuating canon must make that place uncanonical sometimes and more canonical at others," Kira said thoughtfully. "It went from only slightly off to completely right."

"It was nice while it lasted," Kate said with a sniffle. "And it was kind of fun to say 'I love you' in his presence…" she said, once again adopting her silly half smile.

"Either way, that place iss ssstill the mossst canonically-correct in Middle-Earth. Let'sss keep it that way," Kira said, rolling her eyes ever so slightly.

"Yeah. What should we do now? Shall we make for Fangorn? Treebeard might be unsued."

"Sssure," Kira looked back towards the house of Tom Bombadil. "We'll let Frodo'ss peace lasst while it lasstss."

A new thought suddenly occurred to Kate.

"Oh shoot, we never got clothes from Goldberry," she said, wishing she had a safety pin for the front of her robes.

"Yeah." Kira plucked at her revealing neckline. "But thingsss were getting ugly in there."

Kate sighed and started waving in the direction of Tom Bombadil's house. "Goodbye, my love!" she called, her clear soprano voice ringing through the trees. "May you be un-sued next time we meet too! And may I not be a 'Sue! And…" her eyes opened wide in shock. "Great Goddess on a Stick, I'm starting to talk like one! AAUGH!" She slapped her weak hands on to the sides of her face and groaned. "Let's go to Fangorn before we start nancing."

"Hee hee," Kira laughed. "Talking like that’sss better than having a hissy ssspeech impediment, my preciousss." She blinked and slapped her forehead. "Oh crap. I thought I had it under control!”

Without warning, Kate slapped Kira on the back of her head.

"OUCH!" Kira yelled.

"I'll do that every time you say 'my precious'!" Kate said cheerfully.

"Thanksss,” Kira said with an eyeroll. She rubbed her head. "My preciousss."

"You're wel—hey, is it just me, or did the scenery change fast?" Kate said as she looked around at the huge, ancient trees…and whacked Kira on the back of the head.

*****

(A/N: Muaha! What will happen now? Will our *cough*heros*cough* fare well in Fangorn? Will Kate ever be able to act normally around Frodo? Will she ever stop hitting Kira upside the head?

. . . probably not.

But you'll just have to wait to find out!)