We no own, you no sue,

Good for us, better for you.

(Why? Because all you'll get is some lint and old gum wrappers. That's why.)

Lord of the Rings and characters belong to the awe-inspiring author that created them, J.R.R. Tolkien, and to whoever he sold the rights to (but mostly to him.) We're just borrowing it for our sick, twisted pleasure.

Monty Python doesn't belong to us either, but if any of you could make it so it did, please kindly do so.

Oh, and the Protectors of the Plot Continuum belong Jay and Acacia, and are being used with their express permission.

Andy and I bow down to them!! We are not worthy to tie their shoes!

{Bow.}

*****

Suedom

by Andy and Saphie

Chapter Six:

Of Dimwits, D.O.R.K.S, and Dwarf Ale

"Okay, dis ain't as bad as I thought it would be," Acacia said, leaning back into her bed of leaves with a contented sigh.

Jay could only smile lazily.

They had fooled the new recruits into thinking that "rescuing" meant "pampering and acting as Jay and Acacia's personal slaves."

Currently, they were laying on beds of leaves made by the recruits and being fanned with palm fronds (which were easier to find than you'd think, due to the screwed-up Canon) and drinking fruity drinks with little, tiny umbrellas in them (which were also easier to find [though that makes less sense, considering that uncanonical flora was one thing, little umbrellas were another...]). They knew they should have been hunting down Mary Sues, but what could they do without new disguises anyway? All they could do was wait for someone more competent (and less insane) to come rescue them. Then they could go back to HQ and get new disguises (and some sleep and showers) and hunt the 'Sues down. Besides, with the Words as screwed up as they were, it would be almost impossible to find them anyway. They needed to talk to Makes-Things and figure out what was wrong with all their equipment.

So they waited.

And drank.

Without realizing what they were drinking.

Which wasn't very smart.

"Dish ish pretty guudd…” slurred Jay after what had to be her seventh drink.

"Uh-huh…" aaid Acacia. "What's in dis?" ahe asked C-Chan. "S'very fruity."

"Umm, dunno. Ask Hika," C-Chan said, and went back to fanning.

"Ask me what?" Hika asked, squishing more fruit juice into the coconut halves. Her pointy-toed metal boots made excellent juicers.

Acacia was about to ask what was in the drinks, when the coconut halves caught her eye.

"Where'd you get dem coconuts?"

"We FOUND them!" Hika said gleefully.

"Found'em? In Middle-Earf?" Acacia slurred. "C'conut's tropical!"

"What do you mean?" Hika asked.

"Well, dis's a temperate zone."

"Birdies can fly south in the winter. Like geesies and duckies and swallows! They go to warmer places in winter, but you can still see them up North, can't you?" Hika pointed out.

"Are you s'gesting coconuts migrate?"

"Um, they could be carried?"

"Whaaa? A swallow carrying a c'conut?!"

"It could grab it by the husk!"

"S'not a question of where he grabs it! ’S a simple question of weight ratios! A five pound bird can't carry a one ounce c'conut," Acacia explained. Hika scratched her head, trying to remember whether swallows could even be five pounds…

"Well, it doesn't matter," she said. "Let me make drinkies."

"Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat s'wings forty-three times every second, right?"

"Please!"

"M' I right?"

"DRINKIES!"

"Could be carried by an African shwallow!" Jay interjected.

"Oh, yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a Middle-Earfian swallow. S'my point," Acacia said.

"Oh, yeah, I agree wif that."

"Can I please just make drinkies in peace?" Hika asked. "I have to concentrate or I'll squirt stuff in my EYE!"

Acacia didn't listen. "But then a'course a—African swallows are non-migra…migra…they don't do stuff."

"Oh, yeah…" Jay said.

"So dey can't bring a coconut back anyway…" Acacia finished.

"Wait a minute! Shupposhing two shwallows carried it together?" Jay shlurred, er, slurred.

"No, dey'd haveta have it on a line," Acacia pointed out.

"Well, shimple! They'd jusht ushe a shtrand of creeper!

"Whaaa? Held under de dorsal guiding feafers?

"Well, why not?"

They finally stopped and drank some more. Hika sighed in relief…

Then squirted herself in her invisible eye with the fruit she was squeezing.

"OUCHIES!!" She wailed, and washed it out with lake-water.

Meanwhile, Sprite was rummaging through the barrels in the lake looking for food.

"Whuzzat?" She sniffed. She dug into a barrel with her paws and pulled out…Twizzlers? She shrugged her wolflike shoulders and proceeded to eat them as, now that she was off the subject of swallows, coconuts, air-speed velocities, and weight ratios, Acacia finally remembered her previous question.

"What's in dis?" She asked, holding up her drink and playing with the little umbrella.

Hika, holding her poor eye, went back to squeezing.

"Fruity juice!"

"S'it?"

"Umm…We mixed it with this stuff we found in the barrels," C-Chan said, holding up a nondescript bottle.

Jay grabbed it, popped the cork off and sniffed.

Her eyes widened.

"This ish miruvor!" she shouted.

"Huh?" C-Chan asked. "Whuzzat?"

Jay sighed and fell back. "Acacia," she said after a while.

"Huh?" Acacia murmured, barely conscious.

"We're shmashed."

"Uh-huh," Acacia drifted off to sleep.

"I'm never gonna drink shomething prepared by an inept recruit again."

"OUCHIES!"

"Hey, are those Twizzlers? You're holding out on us! Gimme some! Or I'll sick the RABID VAMPIRE BUTTERFLIES on you!"

"GrRrRrRrRr! MINE!"

"Bloody hell…" Jay cussed, her head swimming. "Thish hash to be the worsht mishon EVER."

This is a good time for all readers to shake their heads in sympathy. For, according to the Universal Laws of Comedy, things were only about to get worse…

FLASH! BOOM!

"WEEEEEEE-HOOOOOO!!"

"Hoo boy…" Jay sighed and collapsed back.

"San, stop being so damn…INSANE!" said a voice. It was somewhat familiar…

"MWEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE!!"

"Let her have her fun! Then, let's kill some Mary-Sue! I hate Mary-Sues! I hate them, I hate them, I hate them!"

The speaker who had complained about San's insanity gulped audibly.

Jay looked up and saw nine recruits standing before her.

Upon squinting, she realized it was just six.

Upon squinting even more, it became three.

Two were black-robed Nazgûl. But their weapons were all wrong. One held a katana (definitely not a Middle-Earth weapon), and the other held a…cello?

"Beware Tenock! My Celloete of Doom!" Cried the cello-bearing Nazgûl. Jay (correctly) deduced that she was San, the insane one the other two had talked about.

The katana-bearing Nazgûl looked around with a blood-thirsty glare, no doubt looking for a Mary Sue to kill. "Ala!" San said to her. "Where are the dragons! I want a dragon!"

Ala shrugged. "Where are the Mary Sues! I wanna kill one!"

The third person gulped again. Jay then (all hope of being rescued sucked out of her upon looking at them) tore her eyes away and looked at this other person.

It was a man, a Rider of Rohan, fair and golden-haired, clad in chain-mail, with a sword sheathed at his side.

How "he" spoke and carried "him"self, however, Jay was pretty sure that this "he" was really a "she."

"Who're you again?" she asked the Rider. The Rider's voice had sounded kind of familiar when she had spoke. Then again, it was hard to hear things over the buzzing in her ears…

The Rider stood at attention, and shouted, "Agent Mary Sue, reporting for duty, ma'am!"

The heads of all recruits shot up. Then as one, many-headed entity, they all screamed, "MARY-SUE?! WHERE??!!"

The pulled out their weapons and scattered in all directions.

Mary-Sue sighed. "I think under the current circumstances I should just go by Agent Sue."

Jay nodded and tried to stagger to a stand. Agent Sue rushed over and helped Jay to her feet.

"Please tell me you brought a remote activator?"

Agent Sue nodded.

Jay sighed in relief.

"Finally, they sent someone who isn't completely insane, retarded, or both."

"HQ thought something must have happened to yours. All other members of the PPC were currently on missions, so they scraped the bottom of the barrel and pulled up the newbies."

Jay nodded.

"I came as soon as I was free."

"Thanks. We'd probably be shtuck here forever if it was up to those idiots," Jay said. "Now, come on, we have to wake Acacia up."

Jay ambled over to the trees. Agent Sue looked at her quizzically.

"But Acacia's over here."

Jay turned back and raised her eyebrows. "We're going to need a reeeeaaaally long stick…"

*****

After the initial roaring, scratching, and flailing of limbs, Acacia woke up.

Jay escaped rather unscathed, although Agent Sue was left nursing a rather nasty bite on her forearm.

Acacia yawned. The nap had helped her sleep off the miruvor a little bit. She had seemed to have gotten so drunk that she had forgotten she was drunk in the first place. This was very fortunate for the recruits, because if she had remembered, they would've been lacking several limbs after she had gotten a hold of them.

Seeing Agent Sue and quickly figuring out that she was there to rescue them, Acacia murmured groggily, "Can we leave now?"

Agent Sue nodded and pulled out her remote activator, whilst Jay and Acacia gathered their things, and (gratefully) prepared to leave.

Agent Sue pushed the button…

Nothing happened.

She pushed it again.

Nothing.

She kept hitting it, over and over, trying to get the damn thing to work.

Nix. Naught. Nil. Nada. Zip. Zilch.

Jay and Acacia looked up at each-other, horror rapidly growing on their faces. Simultaneously they turned and looked at Agent Sue, whose face mirrored the same look of pure, abject terror.

"SO WE'RE STILL STUCK HERE?!!" Acacia screamed, breaking the horrified silence.

After wincing at the noise (it was not helping her headache), Jay reached over and took the device from Agent Sue's shaking hand.

She examined it. "Nothing's wrong. It's in just as good shape as our remote activator." She scratched her head. "So why aren't they working?"

Jay thought about it carefully, but it was Acacia who came up with the answer.

"Maybe the remote activators aren't working because the Canon itself wants us to stay," she murmured. "Maybe things are that messed up."

Jay slowly nodded. "I think that's it. With what happened at Rivendell today…" She shuddered. "The Canon needs fixing, and it needs it now. I don't think it's going to let us go until we kill all the 'Sues."

"But how are we going to do that without new disguises?" Acacia asked.

Agent Sue looked up excitedly. "Actually, I may have a solution to that problem."

She reached into her pack, and after some rummaging, she pulled out…a rubber duckie?

She grimaced. "Makes-things, um, made it, just in case we were stuck in this situation. It's called D.O.R.K.S."

"D.O.R.K.S?" Jay and Acacia asked at the same time.

"Disguise-Outfitting Ryticular Kostume System. Um, the costume is spelled with a K because, there was a slight typo on the patent form…" She rolled her eyes.

"What does it do?" Acacia asked.

"It can change your disguises while you're in the field! Watch!"

She squeezed the duckie in several places and a beam of light shot out and zapped Jay. After the device hummed and made some futuristic sci-fi-ey sounds for a second, the light faded, and instead of being an orc, Jay was now a dwarf.

"Neat!" Jay exclaimed.

"It's the only one of it's kind, so Makes-thing asked for you to…" She pulled out a piece of paper. "'PLEASE DON'T DESTROY IT! PRETTY, PRETTY PLEASE! I BEG YOU!! THIS COULD WIN ME A NOBEL PRIZE IN SCIENCE! PLEASE!!'…and there are a whole lot more pleases and exclamation points after that."

Acacia took it in her hand. "Why does it look like a rubber duckie?"

"Well, in actuality it's a little metal cube with lots of buttons, but it has a program built in to disguise itself. Except that, erm, that program doesn't really work very well."

"So, it's a disguise device that can disguise everything but itself?" Jay asked, raising an eyebrow.

Just then, the device whirred.

Prrrrp.

It's disguise changed.

It was now a blancmange.

"Um, yeeeeaah," Agent Sue answered.

Jay sighed, rubbing her temples. Her head felt like it was slowly being squeezed in a vice. "Well, it's better than waltzing into a dwarf stronghold looking like orcs."

Acacia nodded and started poking at the blancmange.

"How does it work?" She felt the cold metal of the cube underneath the illusion, and little square projections that could only be the buttons that worked it. She pushed a few.

Light shot out, and the device whirred and beeped. After the light faded, a large blancmange stood before them.

"Guess the thing likes gelatinous desserts," Jay said.

"Um, maybe I should take care of the disguises…" Agent Sue the blancmange said. She reached a gobby, jiggly arm out and grabbed the device.

She pushed a complicated sequence of buttons, the light flashed forth, and with a whir and some beeps, she and Acacia were now dwarves.

Prrrrp.

The device turned into a blueberry muffin.

Agent Sue sighed and tucked it into her pack. "Shall we?" she said, waving in the direction of the Lonely Mountain.

"We need to collect the recruits first," Acacia said, and regret was in her voice.

"Can't we just leave them?" Jay asked, knowing full well what the answer was.

"You know we can't let them go running around loose. They'll cause more damage than all the Mary Sues combined," Acacia pointed out.

Jay sighed again, and held her hands to her temples. "This is not going to help my headache."

"Hey, idiots—er—I mean recruits! Get back here!" Agent Sue cried, but they were nowhere to be seen. She grimaced, and then perked up. "I have an idea!”

She screamed at the top of her lungs, "LOOK, IT'S A MARY-SUE!!!"

Jay winced again. The three could hear the sound of multiple feet pounding, and all the recruits came running towards them, weapons at the ready.

"WHERE??!" they all cried.

"Oh no. You missed her," Agent Sue said, with no emotion in her voice. "What a shame."

Agent Sue pulled out the D.O.R.K.S again (it was now a large spork) and pointed it at the recruits. After some button-pushing, flashing lights, and strange noises, they all looked like dwarves.

"Ooh…shiny…" San and Hika said at the same time.

Prrrrp.

Agent Sue stored the rubber chicken in her pack.

"Shall we be off then?" she said.

Jay rubbed her temples, and looked over at Acacia jealously. How had her partner just slept it off, while she had a enormous hangover? She gritted her teeth at the jarring, cacophonous noise the gathered recruits were making.

"Oh, this is going to be fun…" she muttered.

*****

The trek to the Lonely Mountain was much shorter than it should have been, due to the rampant geographical distortions.

Jay and Acacia stood at the mountain's base, waiting for Agent Sue to come back. She and several recruits had gone scouting for information around Lake-Town, changing their disguises to look like Bardings.

It didn't take them too long to come back. As soon as they met up with the Jay, Acacia, and the remaining recruits, they changed back into dwarf disguises with the D.O.R.K.S.

Prrrrp.

Agent Sue tucked the turnip back into her bag.

"Well?" Jay asked. "What did the Bardings have to say?"

"Lake-Town's in an uproar," Agent Sue said. "Apparently, two hussies, as the Lake-women called them, dragged their husbands to the Lonely Mountain and tried to seduce them all."

"No big surprise there," Acacia grunted, her voice sounding decidedly dwarvish.

"The wives chased them away, but their memories of what happened were fading so fast they don't remember where they chased them to," Agent Sue finished.

"So, the Mary Sue I shot didn't die, after all," Jay mused. "Unless there's a different one…"

"And oh yeah, I almost forgot," Agent Sue continued. "Lake-town was shifting from 'The Hobbit' Lake-town, to 'Lord of the Rings' Lake-town. So the Lonely Mountain and Dale are likely to be like they were in 'Lord of the Rings.'"

"So, the last place the Mary Sues were seen was here?" Acacia asked.

They looked up at the mountain. It wasn't that tall as far as mountains went, but looked imposing standing alone in the wilds of the world.

"Yep," Agent Sue replied.

"We're going in," Jay said, and she walked forward.

"WHEEEEE!" San screamed. "I get to see Smaug!"

"You're staying out here," Acacia said. The recruits started to follow Jay… "All of you."

"Awww, maaaan!" whined Sprite.

Ala groaned in agreement, but Hika, San, and C-Chan barely seemed to notice. They were squatting over an anthill playing with ants.

Acacia rolled her eyes and followed Jay. Agent Sue was right behind her.

They walked toward the front gate and the sight that greeted filled them with awe. If the Lonely Mountain had been stuck in 'the Hobbit' timeline before, it sure wasn't now. It was definitely 'the Lord of the Rings' Lonely Mountain, as described by Gloin to Frodo in the House of Elrond. Jay and Acacia had been here before on a previous mission, but the handicraft of the dwarves still filled them with wonder. Agent Sue could only gape with her jaw open.

As they approached Dale they saw stone-paved roads of many colors, beautiful waterways, and serene pools. The very buildings themselves were masterpieces, carved and shaped with the utmost care, both ornate and practical in design.

"Whoa!" Agent Sue said, for lack of a better word.

Jay was too busy taking pictures to say anything.

As they approached the Lonely Mountain itself, they saw stone towers and beautiful terraces lining it's sides.

Jay snapped away.

They walked onto the main thoroughfare through Dale, and passed into the crowds of Bardings and dwarves. They watched as people passed into shops and made purchases at stalls. The dwarves and humans seemed to get along very well. They saw a group of them stumble out of an inn together, the dwarves particularly cheery-looking, the men stone-drunk and giggling.

A dwarf patted one of his drunken human compatriots on the back.

"Grund, my friend, I did warn you. No man has ever out-drunken a dwarf."

The man respond by nodding feebly and grinning.

Then he passed out.

His dwarven friend laughed, and the rest of the group picked up their friend and started carrying him home.

The three would have laughed…however, something else had caught their eyes.

It was a tiny, little thing compared to all the stocky dwarves and swarthy men. It looked even smaller with how scared it was. It was stumbling around with its enormous, hairy feet, and asking people questions, asking where it was, where all these people had come from, where his friends had got to. The crowd was ignoring the little hobbit as if he wasn't even there, and indeed, he almost wasn't. He was starting to fade away, most likely going back to his proper place in the story, his little hole under the hill, or the Council of Elrond.

He was fading, and it seemed that only the PPC could see him.

Seeing their stares and realizing they could see him, Bilbo stumbled over to them.

"Can you see me?" he asked desperately. "Can you?"

"Yes," Acacia said.

Bilbo sighed with relief. "Oh, thank goodness! I was beginning to fear that my ring had made me invisible permanently!" Then, his eyes widening at the realization of what he'd said, he added, "I shouldn't have told you about that. You just never mind it, you hear?"

He then looked up at them eagerly, fear in his round eyes. "What is happening around here?" he asked. "The last time I looked on it, Dale was destroyed, and now it's—it's—well…" He looked around at the town with a disbelieving shake of his head and turned back. "And have you seen my friends? They're of your kin. Thorin Oakenshield is one of them. Have you seen him?"

"Er, I'm afraid not," Jay answered.

"Oh," Bilbo said, looking slightly panicked. They saw him fade even more.

Then his eyes rolled back in his head and he swayed for a second.

He collapsed. Acacia grabbed him and lowered him softly to the ground.

"I'm—I'm feeling a bit queer, to tell you the truth," he muttered breathlessly.

"When did you start feeling, um, queer?" Jay asked out of curiosity.

"It started today, at the Lake, I think," Bilbo murmured confusedly. "Or did it…hmm…and there were these two girls, and I remember someone singing, and a dragon, and then women with pitchforks…It's all so hazy now."

He faded even more. He was almost invisible now.

"Where did the women chase the two girls?" Acacia asked.

"Towards Mirkwood, I think…I'm—I'm not sure…" Bilbo murmured.

"What did the girls look like?" Agent Sue asked.

"Beautiful," Bilbo murmured with a smile. "One was a blond elf, silver and purple-eyed. The other had black hair, with green eyes. There was something odd with her hands and feet, though. She was somewhat deformed, the poor thing…"

He faded even more and his breathing became labored. He was almost gone.

He looked down at himself and whispered, "Oh my."

He looked up at them with wide, brown eyes that were watering slightly in fear. He gave the slightest whimper, but then he set his jaw, stuck up his chin bravely, and said, "Am—am I going to die?"

"No." Acacia said, rage burning in her at the look of fear on the poor hobbit's face. "You'll just feel like you're falling asleep. Then you'll wake up back home, or in some other nice place like the House of Elrond."

"Oh, that's a relief…" Bilbo whispered. Then his eyes closed and he disappeared entirely.

The three stared down at where the hobbit had been laying for several moments.

Then Acacia stood up, gritted her teeth, and clenched her fists in rage.

"Acacia…" Jay said, not daring to use her nickname when she looked so angry. "He's still alive, Acacia. He just went somewhere else in Middle-Earth, that's all. Probably back to the Shire."

Acacia didn't listen.

The look on the poor hobbit's face! He had thought he was dying! He had been so scared!

And it was all because of them.

"They—must—DIE! " Acacia hissed through gritted teeth.

She started marching out of Dale.

Jay raced after her, and the two reached the recruits (who were currently playing "Ring around the Rosie") in no time.

"We're leaving," Acacia said to them. "Grab your things."

Those few who had put their weapons on the ground picked them up again.

Acacia rolled her eyes when Ala picked up her katana and San picked up her Cello.

"Those are not Middle-Earth weapons," Acacia said.

"Well, dwarves don't carry bows and arrows," Ala pointed out. "Only Elves do."

"While most dwarves are fond of axes, some dwarves are archers. There are archers in every one of the great races. Men, dwarves, elves, and even hobbits, included. Archers are an important part of any army. They may not be common with the dwarves, but they’re not that out of place. However, no-one carries katanas. Or cellos, for that matter!" This last part she snapped at San.

The two stepped back and hid the weapons in question behind their backs (San had a particularly hard time with this.)

Acacia was about to say something else, but that's when Agent Sue ran up. She had hung behind, making purchases in Dale. When she rejoined the group, she threw Sprite a set of daggers. Since she was no longer a warg, she no longer had her razor-sharp claws. Sprite stared at the daggers admiringly.

"Ooh. Thanks," she murmured, waving them through the air (narrowly missing C-Chan.)

"Are we off to Mirkwood then?" Agent Sue asked.

Jay nodded.

Acacia started marching off, murmuring. "Let's see what horrors await us…"

The bumbling idiots, er, recruits followed close behind, and at the back of the group, Agent Sue tucked the bottle she had bought from Dale into her bag.

She had always wondered what Dwarf Ale tasted like…

*****

They reached Mirkwood in no time.

Before entering, Agent Sue used the D.O.R.K.S to change them all into Wood-elves to fit in better. They marched through the dark forest, the recruits peering around fearfully as they went.

"It's SCARY in here," Hika whimpered, grabbing onto C-Chan. C-Chan then grabbed onto Sprite, and Sprite grabbed onto Ala, who grabbed onto San, who grabbed onto a tree so that they all stopped ("Hello tree! Make me a samich!") They pried her off and stayed close behind Jay, Acacia, and Agent Sue, annoying them by bumping into them every time they stopped.

Then San started annoying everyone by humming the song from Scooby Doo that played whenever the gang started investigating a haunted house.

"Hey, gang," San said suddenly. "Maybe we should split up and search for clues! It'll be squidgie!"

They all shook their heads furiously.

Soon, Jay, Acacia, and Agent Sue stopped, as they had found what they were looking for.

It was huge.

It was wrong.

It was—

"CANDY!!" San shouted, running towards the giant Gingerbread Castle. "But-tered Toast!"

Jay and Acacia twitched visibly.

"That—that is just not right," Agent Sue said, looking at the Gingerbread Castle disgustedly.

The recruits entertained themselves by snacking on the castle, and Jay, Acacia, and Agent Sue used the distraction to their advantage and walked in.

Fountains of what looked like soda were off to the sides. Candy lined the gingerbread walls and floors.

Jay and Acacia started twitching, and then…

They saw what they had been looking for.

Sitting on a poofy, very un-elvish-looking couch, a disgustingly beautiful, blond elf was snogging Legolas.

Disgusted, the three assassins wordlessly lifted up their weapons…

Then the ground shook, and a roaring filled their ears. They all fell painfully to their knees.

"CANON RIPPLE!" Jay and Acacia cried over the roar to Agent Sue, who, guessing from the look on her face, had no idea what was going on.

This was worse than the one Jay and Acacia had felt in Rivendell, and lasted much longer.

"THIS IS NOT GOOD!" Acacia cried, holding her hands over her ears. "THEY'RE GETTING WORSE!!"

Jay nodded, and clamped her hands down tighter over her ears. Then she squeezed her eyes shut. The wavering Canon was making her dizzy.

Oh, this was not helping her hangover.

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, the creaking and groaning of the ailing Canon stopped.

The three assassins jumped up again, prepared to finish the job…and then quickly realized that Legolas was doing it for him.

Legolas hadn't noticed the Canon ripple, but it sure had affected him.

He was so Sue'd that he was snogging the Elf-Sue so hard that she couldn't breathe. She flailed, her green eyes wide in horror, trying to push him away.

Jay, Acacia, and Agent Sue watched in amusement. This was certainly an interesting turn of events.

"Bet Legolas can hold his breath longer than sheeee can," Jay said in a sing-song voice.

It turned out that she was right.

The Sue suffocated, and eventually stopped flailing. Then her eyes rolled back into her head and she grew still.

She had actually been snogged to death.

Legolas stood up and his eyes unfogged. He looked around him with the confused face that was characteristic of all characters who were freed from Suedom.

Then he disappeared with an implosion of air, back to Rivendell, or wherever he was supposed to be at the time. The Gingerbread castle turned into Thranduil's palace, hewn stone replacing candy.

They grabbed the Sue and dragged her out.

"Well, that was certainly interesting," Acacia said with satisfaction. "But we still have to get the other one."

"This wasn't one of the Sues we're tracking," Jay said. "Bilbo said the elf one had silver-purple eyes, and the other had black hair, and weird hands and feet. We know she had weird feet, from the tracks, too." She pointed at the Sue's perfect feet and hands. "Look at her feet, and her hair. She can't be the weird-footed Sue. She can't be the elf either; she has green eyes. She doesn't fit either description. They're still out there."

"Damn," Acacia muttered.

They went outside and collected the recruits (who were nearly wetting themselves because of the Canon ripple.) C-Chan, Hika, and San were nursing sore jaws, which had nearly broken when the candy they had been eating had suddenly turned back into stone castle.

They ushered the recruits away from the castle, before the bewildered Wood-elves and Thranduil came after them to ask questions.

"Sooo, what do we do with the body?" Agent Sue asked.

The recruits looked at the dead Mary Sue with disappointment.

"How come you didn't let us help?" Sprite whined. "Figwit would have."

Jay and Acacia ignored her, and grinned at Agent Sue.

"Why the eco-friendly way, of course," Jay said.

They dragged the body deep into the forest, the recruits quivering with fear all the way (they had to pry San off of a few more trees.)

Then, reaching a small, dark clearing covered in spiderwebs, they dumped the body, and ran off, before the residents of that clearing came back.

"Recycling," Acacia said as they ran.

Behind them, giant spiders rushed in and surrounded the body.

They preferred live meat, but even cold blood was better than nothing.

Agent Sue slowed and stopped, watching the spiders crawl in. She quite liked spiders.

"Fascinating…" she said.

Jay and Acacia each grabbed an arm and dragged her away. They ran as fast as they could towards the edge of the forest.

They didn't see the spiders tearing at the flesh of the Sue behind them.

They also didn't see the Sue change from an elf back to a teenage girl…

An innocent teenage girl who, because of circumstances she couldn't control, fell through a portal in the wall of her room and into world that gave her an early death.

*****

The recruits frolicked around in the sunshine as Jay, Acacia, and Agent Sue sat in the grass at the edge of the forest trying to figure out what to do. They had no idea where to go, they had no idea how to get to Headquarters, and had no idea whether they could even leave Middle-Earth at all.

The latter was answered when they tried opening a portal again and saw that it still didn't work.

"What are we going to do?" Agent Sue grumbled.

Jay just shrugged and sighed, rolling her eyes when she saw that the recruits were playing leapfrog.

She turned to Acacia to see if she had a suggestion.

But Acacia wasn't listening.

Acacia was looking at the Words.

She was figuring something out.

"What?" Jay asked, looking at the scrambled mass of mangled English. "What do you see? It's all mush."

Acacia suddenly grinned madly and pointed.

"What?" Agent Sue asked.

Acacia kept pointing.

"I know where they went," she said.

"Where?" Jay asked, trying to see where she was pointing. "Where??"

Then she saw the word Acacia was pointing to. It showed up several times, in fact.

Agent Sue saw it too and screamed at the recruits to stop playing and to get ready to leave.

Jay picked up her bow and gripped it tightly.

Somehow, those two Sues were at the bottom of all this. Jay didn't know how, but they were. She felt it, and she knew Acacia felt the same.

Now, they would get them. They would get those Sues and set everything right.

Staring at their clue, she wondered why the Authors never spelled it right. It wasn't that hard a word, she thought, as she murmured it to herself…

"Fanghorn."

*****

(A/N: Whuh-oh.

Poor Elenna/Calenmir's dead, and it seems that Kira and Kate will be next, now that the PPC know where they are.

Will, our *cough* heroes escape from the assassins (who coincidentally, are also heroes, because they don't know they're killing innocent girls, and are trying to save Middle-Earth)?

Will the plot ever get any less complicated?

Will the recruits ever stop being complete, bumbling idiots?

Will D.O.R.K.S ever make itself a decent disguise? (Will that typo in the patent ever be fixed?)

Most importantly of all, can Jay and Acacia save the Canon before it's too late?

Stay tuned!)