We no own, you no sue,

Good for us, better for you.

(Why? Because all you'll get is some lint and old gum wrappers. That's why.)

Lord of the Rings and characters belong to the awe-inspiring author that created them, J.R.R. Tolkien, and to whomever he sold the rights to (but mostly to him.) We're just borrowing it for our sick, twisted pleasure.

The Protectors of the Plot Continuum belong to Jay and Acacia, and are being used with their permission.

We bow down to them! We are not worthy to tie their shoes!

{Bow.}

*****

Suedom

by Andy and Saphie

Chapter 7

Of Talking Trees and Miruvor Bombs

"It's dark in here," Kate whimpered.

"Yeah," Kira agreed, looking around with wide eyes.

"It's really dark in here."

"Yeah."

"It's creepy."

"Mirkwood wassss worssssse."

"It was too Sued to be worse."

"Well…it ssshould have been. I think, my preciousss. It'sssss mussssty too," Kira said, sniffing the air. "We mussssst be in Fangorn. I hope—" Kira was suddenly cut off by a horrified moan.

"What?" she exclaimed, looking around. There was nothing; only Kate, who was hunching over slowly, terror in her face. Her hands were shaking as she slowly lifted them up to cover her ears.

"Kira," she moaned, her voice unnaturally high even for her Mary Sue voice. "Kira, the trees are talking to me!"

Kira blinked. "What?"

"They're mad, oh they're really mad!" Kate continued. "They know what we are, and they don't like us! They're saying all these horrible things…" Here she squinted her eyes shut.

"Wait a minute…" Kira said, staring at her terrified friend. "The treessss are talk…oh, wait, you're an Elf. I forgot for a minute, my precciousss."

Kate only moaned and continued. "We could be in really big trouble if an Ent doesn't come along soon to keep them in order, I'm serious! The trees don't like Mary Sues!"

Kate looked up, and the abject terror on her face made Kira feel more than a little nervous. Now that she thought about it, there was a rather tense feeling in the air. She could hear an odd sound every now and then, like a malicious whisper, but whether it was really the trees or just her imagination she couldn't tell.

"We should get out of here," Kate said, jumping nervously at some sound Kira hadn't heard. "If the trees get angry, and there aren't any Ents nearby…"

"Yeah, maybe we sssssshould--" Kira started to say, when…

"HOOM!"

Both girls instantly froze. Kate let out a wordless moan.

"Hoom hrm, now what are these?" A deep, slow, voice said from behind the girls.

"Um…" Kira whimpered, slowly turning around. "Hello, Fangorn ssssir…"

"Please don't step on us Mr. Treebeard-sir-tree-person," Kate gibbered, peering over her shoulder.

"Step on you, hmm, no…I think now I would like first to find out a bit more about you little folk, lest I make a hasty decision," the Ent said, as he picked the girls up in order to inspect them more fully. They dared not object.

"Hoom, one of them is an elf!" Treebeard said in a bemused tone. "And one I have no name for. Hrm, now what are you?" he asked Kira, regarding her with deep brown eyes.

"H-half human, Treebeard sssssir, half-Gollum." Kira said.

"Gollum? Hoom, I have not heard of a Gollum…" Treebeard mused, and paused, ignoring the girls. For a good half a minute (an unthinkably short time to an Ent, no doubt, but long enough to make Kate and Kira uncomfortable) he said nothing, then slowly looked back at the girls.

"Hoom, you seem to know my short name. So I will not bother you hasty folk by introducing myself. But, hoom, who are you, and what are you doing in Fangorn Forest?"

"I'm Kira, and that'sssss Kate," Kira said, gesturing towards the Elf with her free hand. Kate was staring at a sinister-looking tree that Treebeard was holding her very close too fearfully and couldn't seem to introduce herself at the moment. "The trees are ssssscaring her," Kira explained.

"Hoom hmm now, no need to fear the trees, young Elf!" Treebeard said. "Not while Treebeard is near. But tell me, how came you here and why is it you came?"

"Well," Kate said, tearing her eyes away from the tree, which had apparently shut up. "We're looking for a bridge."

"A bridge!" Treebeard mused. "A bridge…"

"You haven't ssseen one, by any chance, have you?" Kira asked.

"A bridge, hoom…a bridge, a faldarumbaladedumbaroom…" Treebeard lapsed into silence, staring unseeingly past the girls as he pondered the question.

"It might not look like a bridge," Kate put in helpfully. "It might look like something entirely different."

"A bridge that is not a bridge, and yet is…" Treebeard said. "Hoom, that is a strange thing to be looking for…and this bridge is important to you?"

"Very!" Kira said. "Countlesss livesss are hanging in the balance!" She blinked at how corny she had just sounded.

"If we don't find the bridge soon, lots of innocent people are going to die!" Kate exclaimed.

"Hoom, that is important!" Treebeard agreed. "A bridge, have I seen a bridge…hoom…"

Kate and Kira waited nervously as Treebeard thought, again pondering the question for what seemed like an immensely long time to the hasty girls, waiting, hanging on his every hum for his answer…

"Hrm, no."

Kate and Kira groaned.

"No, I have not seen a bridge," Treebeard clarified. "But a bridge that does not look like a bridge…hoom, that is a different thing entirely." Here the girls looked up, hopeful. "Perhaps…hoom, perhaps one of the other Ents would know more about it. Yes, they might. I could call an Entmoot…"

"Thanks, but I don't think we have time for that," Kate said.

"Hoom, yes, you are a hasty folk after all…" Treebeard said, adjusting his grip on Kira in a way that shouldn't have hurt at all. However, Kira's shoulder was still badly wounded, and Treebeard must have tugged on her arm because she let out a short cry of pain.

"Are you okay?" Kate asked concernedly.

"I'm jusssst fine and dandy," Kira said sarcastically, gingerly touching her shoulder with her good hand. Kate looked back at Treebeard.

"Do you know anything about healing?" she asked. "Because my friend is very badly hurt." She pointed to Kira's arm.

"Hoom, I am quite sorry, but no, I do not."

"I'm all right, don't worry," Kira protested, gritting her teeth.

"Shards. Are you sure?" asked Kate. "'Cause if you get any worse we might have to go to Rivendell to see Elrond after all…"

"I'm fine! Really!" Kira insisted, but she winced as another bolt of pain went down her arm.

"No you're not!" Kate retorted.

"Look, we have more important thingsssss to worry about."

"Yeah, other than you dying," Kate rolled her eyes. Kira growled and turned back to Treebeard.

"Call an Entmoot," she ordered, and added a "Pleassssse," as an afterthought.

"Gah, Kira! We haven't got time!" Kate insisted, waving her arms agitatedly.

"How elsssse are we gonna find the Bridge?" Kira asked. "It'll take forever if we go looking for it! It'll be even longer than an Entmoot!"

Kate considered this. "Good point."

"Hoom, very hasty you are!" Treebeard said.

"Yeah, hasty. Hasty, hasty, hasty us." Kate sighed. "Sure, call the Entmoot…it's our best bet."

"Hoom, well, it's a long way to the Derndingle," Treebeard informed them.

"We're willing to go, I guess," Kate said.

"I'll have to carry you."

There was a brief pause. Then Kate and Kira started to grin wildly.

"Fun!" Kate squealed.

"We get to ride an Ent!" Kira said as Treebeard set the two on his shoulders.

"WHEEE! RID'EM…TREE PERSON!" Kate shrieked happily from her perch atop the ancient tree-herder.

"You are very, hoom, odd," Treebeard observed.

"We try," said Kira, giving the Ent a Mary Sue grin.

"Thank you! Thank you very much!" Kate added. Kira's grin suddenly faded.

"Whah?" she intoned eloquently.

They were at the Derndingle. Already.

"That was eerily fassst," Kira said as Treebeard set the girls down.

"I could've walked that!" Kate shrieked indignantly. "But it wouldn't have been so much fun." She added with a grin.

"Nope," Kira agreed, staring around the Derndingle.

"Ents! Oh Ents!" Treebeard cried, raising his long hands to his mouth. Kate blinked and stared at him.

Kira laughed.

"He sssoundss like a hog-caller." she said, and opened her mouth for a loud scream. "SSSUEEEY!"

"Don't do that!" Kate cried, jumping at Kira.

"Why not?" Kira asked

"You might summon a Sue!" Kate said, her eyes wide with fear.

"AAGH! I didn't think of that, my preciousss.”

Whack!

"Ow!" Kira yelled, clamping her hands over the bump that was forming on the back of her head. "Ssstop doing that! My—"

She clamped a hand over her mouth.

Kate giggled.

Smack!

"Every time you giggle like a Ssssue I'm gonna ssmack you!" Kira informed her, smirking slightly as Kate rubbed her head. "My—"

Clamp, went her hand.

"I don't giggle like a 'Sue! I just…giggle!" Kate whined. "Besides, I sound like a goat when I giggle."

"Not with your perfect Ssssue voice!" Kira reminded her. "My—"

Clamp.

"Oh yeah, forgot about that," Kate said.

"It sseemss to get worssse when I'm agitated," Kira said, switching the subject to her Gollum-like attributes.

"Then don't get agitated," Kate suggested absentmindedly, and blinked. "Wait. That's impossible. You're with me." She giggled again.

Smack!

"Ow."

About that time the Ents started arriving, one by one. Kira watched them intently. After all, how often do you get to see walking, talking trees?

"Woah. Enty," she muttered, as the last of the Ents arrived.

"That was surprisingly quick for Ents," Kate observed.

"Hoom, where is Quickbeam?" Treebeard asked, gazing around at the Ents. "He is never one to take his time."

Kate stared at the many tree-herders with interest. "Yeah! I wanted to see QB," she said excitedly, and started giggling again. "That sounds like 'Cubey'. . .”

Smack!

"Ow!"

"You giggled," Kira informed her.

"I did not. I laughed evilly. Hmph," Kate insisted with a pout.

"My preciousss…” Kira blurted, and her eyes widened. She cowered. "Damn."

Whack!

"Ow!" Kira moaned. "We should call off thisss whole sssmacking thing or we're both gonna wind up dain-bramaged."

"You mean more so than we already are?" Kate asked.

"Yeah," Kira said, when an Ent's voice rang out.

"Coming!" it called.

"Ah, Quickbeam comes!" Treebeard smiled.

"SPIFFY! Cubey is here!" Kate squealed.

An Ent who resembled a gawky teenager burst into the Derndingle.

"What did I miss?" he asked.

"Nothing, as of yet," Treebeard assured him. Kate blinked at the Ent's strange behavior.

"Kira, do you have a bad feeling about this?" she whispered to her friend. "Because I sure do."

"Uh huh," Kira said.

"But we're still missing someone," Treebeard said.

"Whaddaya mean? Everyone's here," Kate said as she looked around the Derndingle, despite the fact that she could not have possibly known exactly how many Ents lived in Fangorn. "I think…"

"Coming father!" a feminine Ent voice called.

Kate and Kira blinked

"There aren't any Entings…" Kate said quietly, and her eyes widened in fear. "Oh noo…"

An Entmaiden abruptly burst into the Dingle.

"AAAAUGH!" Kate screamed. "IT'S AN UNCANONICALITY!" she blinked and briefly stopped screaming. "Is that even a word? Oh well, who cares? AAAAUGH!"

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEK! My precioussss!" Kira shrieked.

"Now, where were you two?" Treebeard said in an amused tone. Kate looked horrified. Kira started twitching again.

"It's an Ent Sue! I didn't think they existed yet!" Kate hissed.

Kira twitched in reply.

"We were tending the trees, Father," the Sue replied to Treebeard, who chuckled in a patronly manner.

"'Tending the trees'? That's what they call it now?"

Kate blinked again, her face frozen in a mask of shock.

"Now, I'm all for replenishing the Ent population, but you two need to understand that there are responsibilities to your actions…" Treebeard continued, genially lecturing the Sue.

Kira stopped twitching long enough to scream. "Ewwww! We're ssstuck in a Middle-Earth after-sssschool ssspecial, my preciousss!"

"Great Goddess on a Stick! Ew! Ew ew ew, that's yucky!" Kate wailed

"The mental image! My brain bleedssss! My preciousss! KILL ME NOW!" Kira ordered.

"YOU KILL ME FIRST!" Kate yelled.

"NO! KILL ME!" Kira insisted as Treebeard launched into a lecture about "the twigs and the leaves.” This was too much for Kira. She passed out as Kate clapped her hands over her ears and started to sing the Knights of the Round Table at the top of her lungs. About midway through the song, Kate noticed her friend's lack of consciousness.

"Oh no! Kira, wake up!" she yelled, shaking the half-Gollum frantically. "I can't free the 'Sue alone! Well…I suppose I could," she added as an afterthought. "But it would be considerably easier with your help!"

But her pleas fell on deaf ears, and with a mild curse Kate strode across the Derndingle towards the 'Sue.

"HEY! YOU!" she yelled, staring up at the 'Sue, who was oddly enough clothed in a T-shirt.

"Me?" the 'Sue answered, turning around.

"YEAH! YOU!" Kate yelled back, reading the logo on the 'Sue's T-shirt. It said "'Tis Merely a Flesh Wound!"

"Oh good!" Kate sighed with a grin, and resumed her yelling. "WORSHIP THE PYTHON! IT IS VERY MONTY!"

"P-python?" the Entmaiden said, raising what passed for an eyebrow at the enraged Elf.

"YES! IT IS VERY MONTY!" Kate repeated. The Sue stared at her and turned to Treebeard.

"Father, who are they?" she asked, pointing in Kate and Kira's direction with a leafy arm.

"Hoom, they are looking for some sort of bridge," Treebeard started to say, just as Kate started singing again in her perfectly pitched Mary Sue voice.

"We're Knights of the Round Table! We dance whenever we're able! We do routines and chorus scenes with footwork im-pec-cable!"

"W-what are you talking about?" the Sue said, with something a little like fear in her deep, cloudy eyes.

"Leave my Fimalda alone!" Quickbeam said, striding hastily up to Kate and glaring at her.

"Bugger off, you!" Kate snapped at him. "You're being hasty." She turned back to the 'Sue. "Monty Python! Remember? Sir Lancelot the Brave? Sir Galahad the Pure? Sir Robin the Not-quite-so-brave-as-sir-Lancelot?"

"S-sir Robin?" The 'Sue said, her eyes slowly starting to uncloud…

But the Ents weren't quite finished with Kate yet.

"HOOM!" Treebeard hoomed at the Elf, who covered her ears against the onslaught of sound. "See here, who are you to call the love of my daughter hasty?"

"I am your King!" Kate yelled on an impulse.

"Well I didn't vote for you!" Treebeard snapped, then slowly blinked his deep brown eyes in confusion as Kate burst out laughing.

"Where did that come from?" she wondered, shaking her head. "You don't vote for kings!" she continued. Fimalda was now glaring at her, but more in the manner of Dennis the Insulted Peasant than a suspicious Sue.

"Well, how did you become king then?" the Ent asked. Kate started to reply, but stopped for a second.

"Uh…the…Watcher in the Water, it's…tentacle clad in the fairest shimmering mithril, held aloft Anduril from the bosom of the water," she said, picking up speed. "Signifying by divine providence that I, Kate, was to carry…some random weapon. And that is why I am your King!" she finished with a grin that only broadened as Fimalda launched into her own rendition of the Python skit.

"Listen," the 'Sue scolded, "strange creatures lying in stagnant pools distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony."

"Stuff it, 'Sue!" Kate yelled, fake anger in her voice.

"Well, but you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some watery tentacled tart threw a sword at you!" Fimalda continued.

"SHUT UP!" Kate squealed gleefully. Fimalda ignored her.

"I mean, if I went 'round saying I was Queen of Gondor just because some moistened squid had lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!"

"BE QUIET!" Kate yelled.

"Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system. Come and see the violence inherent in the system! Help, help! I'm being repressed!"

"BLOODY SUE!"

"Oh, what a give-away. Did you hear that? Did you hear that, eh? That's what I'm on about. Did you see her repressing me? You saw it, didn't you?" Fimalda shrieked to the Ents, who were staring at her as though she was crazy. Fimalda looked back at them, confusion apparent in her unclouding eyes. She staggered suddenly and looked at Kate, who stared back expectantly.

"Where am I?" Fimalda said, looking from the Ents to the Elf and deciding to concentrate on the Elf since it was the only being not looking at her with a mixture of fear and confusion.

"Uh…" Kate said as the Ex-Sue registered what must have been a change in her height. "Not at home."

"What's going on?" the Entmaiden asked, and looked down at herself. Her eyes opened wide with shock. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH! What the Hell is goin' on here?!"

"Um…" Kate said, not wanting to mention Middle Earth. It might cause her to become 'Sued again, she reasoned, but seeing no other alternative, she continued. "You're a Mary Sue," she said gently. "In Middle-Earth."

Fimalda was horrified. "NOO!" I don't wanna be a Mary Sue! I hate Mary Sues!"

"Good! Then don't be one!" Kate suggested when a voice behind her made her turn around. Kira was sitting up groggily. Kate ran over to her, grinning proudly.

"Kira, Kira, I did it! I un-sued her! Aren't you proud of me?" she squealed. Kira didn't answer right away. She started twitching again.

"The Twigssss! The Leavesss!" she hissed. "The image issss burned into my brain, my preciousss!"

"There, there," Kate said sympathetically, patting Kira on the head. "This pain too will pass."

"Get it out of my head, my preciousss!" Kira whimpered, still twitching. Kate decided that whacking her probably wasn't a good thing to do at this time and stayed her hand.

"I'd scour your mind, but that sounds like it'd hurt too," she said.

"BLEACH! I NEED BRAIN BLEACH!" Kira yelled, causing the Ents to stare at her. "Good job, though. My preciousssss. Dealing with the 'Sssue. My precioussss," she added, continuing to twitch. Kate smiled proudly and looked at the 'Sue, who was looking at them fearfully.

"But what do we do with her now?" Kate asked, gesturing towards the Ent.

"Dunno," Kira replied, trying hard not to think of what the "Twigs and the Leaves" entailed. "My precccccioussss." She twitched again.

"Maybe having an Entmaiden around could be useful…ya know?" Kate said thoughtfully. "Arrows don't hurt 'em and such, maybe she could come with us…"

Apparently all this was too much for Fimalda, who started crying. Not surprising, really, given the situation.

"Aww, my preccciousss," Kira groaned with a twitch. "Go comfort her, Kate. I'm not very good at it, my preciousss." She continued twitching madly as Kate patted Fimalda somewhere below her knee.

"It's all right, stop crying now," Kate said soothingly. "We're all in the same boat, but everything's going to be fine."

The 'Sue blinked tears out of her eyes and looked down at Kate. "You're sure?"

"Certainly," Kate said, and smiled at the 'Sue, who gave her a weak smile in return. "Everything's gonna be—"

"KATE, WATCH OUT!" Kira screamed suddenly, and dive-tackled the Elf to the ground as an oblong object flew out of the bushes nearby and landed with a deafening explosion right on Fimalda.

"VODKA BOMB! HEE HEE HEE!" a loud voice shrieked gleefully.

"Hika, they don't have vodka in Middle Earth," a more menacing voice stated.

"Oh. MIRUVOR BOMB, THEN!"

"Oh my God!" Kira cried shrilly. Kate's face was frozen in an expression of horror. The bomb had set Fimalda on fire, and she was blazing like a torch, her screams echoing through Fangorn. Kira pressed her face into her long, sinuous hands and started to cry hysterically.

"But…but I just…I just told her everything would be alright…Oh God, no…" Kate said softly. Tears started to spill from her urpley-wilver eyes. She began to scramble frantically across the ground. "Cummon, we have to get out of here!" she cried as Fimalda was reduced to a pile of ash. Kira continued to sob as she ran after Kate. Back in the Derndingle, the Ents milled around in panic as the last of the flames slowly died down.

"You idiot!" Jay screeched at the guilty Ringwraith as she emerged from behind a tree. "You could have set the Ents on fire!"

"And you missed the other two 'Sues!" Acacia growled. Had Hika not been bodiless, her lower lip probably would have been quivering about this time.

"Oopsies," San said, turning her attention to Kate and Kira, who had stopped long enough to see what the PPC were going to do. The unwilling 'Sues eyes opened wide with fear.

"RUN!" Kira cried.

They did.

So did the PPC.

With their various weapons at the ready.

Kate screamed after chancing a look back. Jay and Acacia were both about to shoot arrows straight at them. Just a few more seconds and they were surely dead.

"WHAT DO WE DO?" Kira screamed.

"I WANT MY MOMMYYY!" Was all that Kate could reply, when suddenly she got an idea.

"Let's go to…to…Rohan!" She gasped. "It's semi-close-by! We'll have to use Mary Sue inconsistencies, though…"

"It's better than being skewered by the PPC!" Kira yelled. "Let's go!"

"Rohan, Rohan, Rohan!" Kate muttered as Kira closed her eyes and concentrated. Behind them, Jay and Acacia each loosed an arrow, which sped through the forest directly at the heads of the unwilling 'Sues…

Who disappeared abruptly. The arrows thunked harmlessly into the trees and the assassins stopped in shock.

“I’ve never seen them do that before,” Jay muttered.

*****

Kira opened her eyes. She and Kate were surrounded no longer by tall, mossy trees, but by lush grass. She glanced over her shoulder. The Assassins were gone. The girls stopped and gasped for breath.

"Are we here?" Kate asked, looking around. "I guess we are." She squinted into the distance. "Hey…is that…" her eyes widened. "Edoras?”

Kira didn't answer. She was too busy sobbing. "It's not fair, my precioousss! Gollum, gollum. She was just like us!"

"I know, I know," Kate said sadly, remembering the Ent-Sue's screams and deciding she didn't really want to do so. She paused and changed the subject. "You think the Rohirrim will be pissed if they find us waltzing around Theoden's Hall, or—"

"Halt!" a voice called sharply, as a tall, previously unseen blonde man appeared in front of them, spear in hand and looking very menacing.

“Okay, so they’d probably be pissed, then…”

*****

(A/N: BUM BUM BUM!

What's going to happen to our *cough* Heroes? What's going to happen to the 'Sues? How exactly do you make a Miruvor bomb?

These questions and more will be answered in the next exciting chapter of Suedom!

Well…except for the Miruvor bomb one. We're still not quite sure how that's done.)