We no own, you no sue,

Good for us, better for you.

(Why? Because all you'll get is some lint and old gum wrappers. That's why.)

Lord of the Rings and characters belong the awesome dude that created them, J.R.R. Tolkien, and to whomever he sold the rights to (but mostly to him.) We're just borrowing it for our sick, twisted pleasure.

The Protectors of the Plot Continuum belong to Jay and Acacia, and are being used with their permission.

We bow down to them! We are not worthy to tie their shoes!

*Bow.*

*****

Suedom

By Andy and Saphie

Chapter Nine

Bitchin' Around the Campfire

A stunned silence hung over the mismatched group as shock started to register (with a ka-ching!) in their minds. Rincewind sighed as they stared at her through hands and articles of clothing. Éowyn was the first to speak.

"You say the world is being destroyed?" she said quietly.

"Slowly, but yes. If this goes on much longer, Middle-Earth is doomed," Rincewind responded. "And somehow, these two have to stop it." The dragon gestured to Kira, still lying stunned on the ground, and Kate, who was looking in the opposite direction at nothing, with her robes still pulled up over her face. Rincewind snorted and rolled her huge eyes at the thought.

"Oh. We have to save Middle-Earth, huh?” Kira said quietly and calmly. “Okay…”

Then she took a deep breath and started babbling at the top of her lungs in a panicked voice.

“While we're at it, you want usss to end world hunger? Bring about world peace?? How the hell are we sssupposssed to sssstop the Bridge?!" she ranted from the ground. "We can barely keep ourssselvesss from getting killed!"

"You figure it out," Rincewind said coldly, and leapt into the air. Gimli and Éowyn braced themselves as gusts of wind from Rincewind's powerful wingbeats pushed against them, but Kate, caught off guard and unable to see anything but vague shapes through her robes, was knocked on her perfectly proportioned posterior.

"Ouch! Hey! Where are you going?!" Kate shouted.

"I've got other business to attend to!" Rincewind called back. "Its not like I can listen to you two whine all day."

"But we can't do thisss!" Kira yelled as the urple dragon faded from sight…or would have, if she was able to look directly at her without intense pain.

Silence reigned over the plains of Rohan, and the four of them stood and looked at each other.

"What are we supposed to DO? There are only two of us! We can't do it alone…" Kate wailed, breaking the silence. She pulled her robes down from her face as soon as she was sure Rincewind wasn't within seeing range.

Suddenly, they heard a sort of rumble in someone's throat behind them, and turned around. If this had been like the movie, the soundtrack would have been drumming up full swing, the most heroic, inspirational part rising and falling around them

"Alone? Two?" Gimli said, a smile forming behind his beard. "I see three here."

"Actually…" Éowyn said, staring at them with a proud, knowing gleam in her eye, and the slightest of smiles upon her face. "I count four."

Kate and Kira stared at them blankly for a moment.

"You…you mean you'll…" Kate stuttered.

"We could not stand idly by, knowing the world was being destroyed," Éowyn said, the smile growing even larger.

"We will help bear your burden," Gimli said.

To his surprise, Kate dissolved into very noisy tears.

"THANK YOU!" she sobbed, and threw her arms around the Dwarf's neck in a tight embrace.

"I KNEW there was a reassson I liked you!" Kira yelled as she joined Kate. "Besidesss the fact that I like axesss…"

"Can't…breathe…" Gimli sputtered.

"Sorry," the girls said, or in Kira's case "Sssssorry," and removed their arms from Gimli's neck. They turned to tackle-hug Éowyn, but a stern glance from the White Lady held them off.

"Ssso…" Kira said, swinging her hands in a way to make it seem that she had intended to swing them all along. "Um…where ssshall we go firssst?"

"It's getting dark," Gimli remarked, when a sudden, loud growl issued from nearby. Éowyn's hand was halfway to her sword before she realized the noise came from Kate and Kira's stomachs.

"I'm hungry,” Kate said, rubbing her flat belly.

"We haven't eaten sssince that cassstle in Mirkwood," Kira said apologetically, and she yawned. "And all the candy we brought with usss got taken when we were captured by the Barrow-white." She yawned again, her small, delicate mouth a cavern.

"Can we rest?" Kate asked. "We were up all night last night. Even if it was a surprisingly short night."

Gimli and Éowyn exchanged glances, but Kira and Kate did look rather drawn and tired. The day's events were catching up to them.

"All right. We shall find a place to sleep for the night," Éowyn said. "Come, I know of a place that we can rest undisturbed." She turned and looked at them with arched eyebrows. "And then we need to talk."

*****

" . . . And then ssshe wass gone. Just a pile of asssh. My preciousss…" Kira said, staring mournfully into the flames of the fire Gimli had kindled. Next to her, Kate was sitting silently and hugging her knees. Éowyn and Gimli had listened as the girls recounted the tale of the 'Sues and explained more of their story. They had only explained what was necessary before. There was a short silence.

"That is horrible," Éowyn said finally, gazing with new sympathy at Kate and Kira.

"Yeah," Kate said quietly. "It was. They came after us, then…”

"We sssorta came here," Kira finished lamely.

"Didn't they chase you?" Gimli asked.

"Yes, we had to use inconsistencies, so we lost them," Kate paused, not knowing if she'd gotten her point across in a way Gimli and Éowyn could understand. Kira was no help. She just kept staring sadly at the fire. "'Sues are able to get from one place to another very quickly here," Kate elaborated.

"Yes. We have noticed," Éowyn said.

"Of courssse, we can't get to the one placcce we really want to be…" Kira said sadly. "Home." She sniffled.

Kate whimpered slightly. "Yeah. I miss my mommy and my dad…I even miss my insane pet birds. And my bed, and my guitar…" She sighed.

"I missss my sissster. And my parentsss. And my friendsss. And even ssschool. I miss my Englisssh and math teachersss…hell, I misss MYSELF! Look at thisss horrible, perfect body! Thisss issn't me! I'm chubby, with glassssesss, and short brown hair. I missss being mousy-looking."

"I know! Just look at these!" Kate thrust her perfect, weak white hands with their uncalloused fingers and long, perfectly manicured nails out in front of her so that they were outlined in the firelight. "I couldn't even play my guitar in this body!"

"A guitar is a musical instrument, is it not?" Gimli said.

"Yeah…how'd you know?" Kate asked, withdrawing her hands.

"Something called "punk rockers" at Rivendell," Gimli said with a shudder.

"Wow," Kira said softly. "Ssso many thingssss have changed, haven't they, my precioussss."

"Yeah!" Kate agreed. "The most you used to have to worry about in Middle-Earth was a giant godlike bad guy enslaving people with evil jewelry! Now you have to worry about that and being turned into mindless zombies at the hands of Mary Sues!"

"Thank you for reminding us," Gimli said dryly.

"I'm sorry," Kate said, picking her perfectly un-bitten nails.

"And the there are the culture changesss," Kira went on. "Pre-marital relationsss." She wrinkled her perfect nose in disgust. "Not that it’sss truly horrible, but there’sss far too much of it going on. Then there’ss bad sssslasssh. Englisssh inssstead of Wessstron…"

"I can't imagine how any of those 'Sues think that they can waltz right into some Elvish community and captivate the Elves, who've spent MILLENIA perfecting the art of song, with some stupid pop tune! Especially when that kind of music is so different from the stuff in Middle Earth!" Kate ranted. She clasped her hands together and her eyes shone in a Mary-Sueish way. "It would be wonderful to hear elves sing!" she sighed, the music loving side of her personality taking over. How she envied Frodo and Bilbo and every other resident of Middle-Earth who had heard the elves sing in the Hall of Fire at Rivendell!

"Do you even remember Wessstron?" Kira asked, not noticing Kate's musical reverie.

"No," Éowyn said. "I cannot speak my native tongue either."

"I cannot remember my own language," Gimli said gruffly. "Or," he added, his voice mournful. "My true name."

"That mussst be hard," Kira sympathized. "I know how much Dwarvesss value their language."

"Our language is our greatest treasure, surpassing even the brightest gold, or the purest mithril."

"Yeah. Your true names are really important to you, aren't they?" Kate asked, returning from her imaginary Hall of Fire to the then-and-there campfire.

"Yes. They are…who we are. Mine has been stolen from me," he said, clenching his fists.

"How awful," Kate said.

"I do not wish to speak of this anymore," Gimli said. He grunted and looked away. Kate complied and struck up a new thread of conversation.

"And then there's how they go around making Nancy and everyone else act like morons…" she said, then, realizing her mistake, she giggled nervously. "Oops."

"Who?" Gimli and Éowyn asked simultaneously.

"Uh…Legolasss," Kira said.

"Mary-Sued Legolas," Kate clarified. "It's a long story. Kind of. 'Cause he nances…you know, like when he's running on top of the snow, we call it nancing, so he's Nancy…"

"It suits him. When he behaves this way," Gimli said with a short chuckle, and suddenly became serious. "I wish he didn't, though."

"It's really disgraceful the way they have a two thousand plus year old elf acting like a hormonal adolescent human," Kate said. "He's so neat when he's not Mary-Sued."

"You do not know how horrible it is to watch your best friend's mind be corrupted." Gimli said.

"I have an inkling…" Kate said, pointing at Kira, and recalling the times she'd (nearly) submitted to Suedom.

"Bessst…friend?" Kira said.

Kate grinned embarrassedly. "Yeah, well…I like you," she said sheepishly, then quickly changed the subject. "How about you, Éowyn? You haven't had to deal with too many of them yet, have you?"

Kira sat in silence. Best friend…

"There are a few who come for my brother. I regret that I dealt with them the way I did. I did not know they were innocent," Éowyn said, looking slightly remorseful.

"They may not have been. They ssstill might have been ssssoullesss then," Kira pointed out.

"Yeah! There were probably more of those than the innocent ones!" Kate said. Silently, she added, I hope…, to herself.

"I ssstill don't underssstand how you've kept from being affected by them, my precioussss," Kira said.

"Yeah, they usually make you look like a male chauvinist pig," Kate said to Gimli. "But I don't know many that interacted with you at all," she said to Éowyn. "Although the second movie ought to be out soon and—"

She stopped, a horrified look suddenly rising upon her face in a wave. Kira looked up at her and her face was a mirror to Kate's. They had both had the same thought.

"What is it?" Éowyn asked. "What is wrong?"

"Ooooh, noooo…" Kate moaned.

"My preccciousss…"

"Tell us what is wrong!" Gimli exclaimed.

"The second movie's due to come out soon. In fact, it may have already come out," Kate explained.

"This means…" Éowyn prompted them.

"It meansss that more Mary-Suesss are going to be coming in."

"WHAT?" the two canon characters both exclaimed.

"That'sss why Rincewind's presssuring usss so much. The canon'sss falling apart as it iss, and with the onslaught of TTT 'Sssue sssstories, it'll be through a veritable meat-grinder!"

Gimli and Éowyn stared at the ground in what seemed like despair.

"Who and what will be hit hardest?" Gimli asked.

The two girls didn't even have to put their thinking caps on for that one.

"Éomer and Faramir are going to be hit hard, " Kate said flatly, guarding herself from Éowyn's direction with her arms automatically. After no blows came, she looked over and saw that Éowyn looked about ready to explode. "Possibly Strider and Gandalf, too. Gandalf with OOC-ness, and Strider with both OOC-ness and Mary-Sues. And you," Kate said to Gimli, "will be hit even harder with the whole chauvinist pig thing. Lady Éowyn, I have no clue how badly you'll be slandered. Knowing the Suvians, it'll probably be awful."

"Sssam, Merry, Pippin, and, of courssse, Frodo will be hit even worssse. They all get more action in thisss one. And I'm afraid that after seeing him in battle, Legolassss will suffer even worssse than he isss now. Worssse than everyone elssse combined," Gimli looked like it was his turn to explode now; his face was filled with rage and sorrow at the thought of his poor friend.

"As for places, Rohan will be supremely messed up, as will Fangorn forest, and the battle at the Hornburg will be a complete and total mess."

"Taking everything into account, it isss quite likely that Middle-Earth will be dessstroyed within days of the movie'sss releasse. Our only hope isss that the level of Fellowship Mary-Sues will lighten up as more Two Towersss Mary-Suessss are created. However, that will probably buy uss only a very ssmall amount of time," Kira paused for a second, then forcing all her fear and doubt into one word, she muttered:

"Crap."

All four of them sat for a long time absorbing this information. They avoided each other's eyes.

It was impossible, Kate and Kira both thought. There was no way they could find the Bridge in time, even with the help of Gimli and Éowyn. They were just goofy teenagers! They couldn't save the world! There was nothing they could do. Nothing…

After the long silence, Éowyn was the first to speak.

"It seems that we must start our search for this 'Bridge' as soon as possible."

"We'll never find it in ti—" Kate started to say.

"But we have to try," Gimli interrupted, and the grim, defiant look that only a dwarf could make was plastered on his face. "Whether we triumph or fail, we will go out fighting."

Their calmness and strength encouraged the two girls a little. There might be a chance with these two by their sides.

Maybe.

Well, probably not, but Gimli had a point. It was better to go out fighting than moping.

"By the way…now that you've come with us, who's gonna slay the Witch-King, Éowyn?" Kate said, her eyes widening at the thought. "What if because you two aren't there all kinds of awful stuff happens?"

"I have already slayed the Witch King in my turn," Éowyn said, her eyes darkening at the memory.

"And no doubt no evil will befall my comrades as long as those Mary Sues are about. Other than becoming mindless slaves, that is," Gimli remarked, with a distasteful grunt.

"Besides, thingsss are already ssscrewed up as iss,” Kira pointed out. “Even if we messs thingss up more by…by bringing them with us, it’ss hardly worse than…than what would happen if we didn’t have their help…” She stopped suddenly, as what Éowyn had said finally registered.

“What do you mean, 'in your turn'?" Kira asked.

"I am already dead," Éowyn said calmly. This casual remark shut Kira and Kate up quite effectively. They blinked, and then stared at the Shieldmaiden.

"Huh?" Kate said finally, voicing both their thoughts.

"I lived my life long ago," Éowyn said. "And I died. I have been dead for many years."

"I went over the sea to the Undying Lands with Legolas," said Gimli, and his eyes grew misty at the memory. “And died in my turn.”

"But somehow we are pulled back to live our days in the War over and over," Éowyn said, glaring bitterly at the fire. "Only to see our loved ones reduced to these sad excuses for free people at the hands of these 'Mary-Sues.'"

“Sso when you’re un-Ssued, you’re omnicognizant You can remember the whole War? You can remember your whole livesss?”

They nodded.

"And you’re dragged back into this over and over? Oh…oh that's awful…" Kate said, her sensitive nature touched by the Shieldmaiden's bitter lament.

"That…that must really ssssssuck," Kira agreed, and she too felt sympathy for the canon characters. She normally wasn't the most sympathetic person—quite the opposite of Kate when it came to compassion, really—but when it came to Middle-Earth, sympathy struck her hard. Now, even harder than before. She had felt sympathy enough when she'd read the book and seen the trials the characters had gone through. She had cried when it seemed that Gandalf had died at the hands, er, talons of the Balrog, cried when it had seemed that Frodo had died from Shelob's sting, and cried when Frodo and the Ringbearers went to the havens and left Sam and Merry and Pippin at the sea's edge. She had even cried at the very end of the book when she'd read the appendices, where it told of the fates of Aragorn and Arwen, and Merry and Pippin. She had ended the book crying, reading about Legolas, Gimli, and Sam going across the Sea in their turn. It had seemed so real, but she still felt stupid for crying. It had never made sense to her. It had never made sense that she felt more compassion for the characters in a book than for real people. Now, she didn't feel stupid anymore.

Well, not as stupid anyway. It was real, and the current peril Middle-Earth was in made her want to cry again, but, for once, the tears wouldn't come.

"I do not wish to relive these dark years anymore. I only wish to rest in peace," Éowyn said.

"I had not known all that awaited me in the Undying Lands when I left with Legolas," Gimli said. "I did not understand entirely why he desired so much to go over the sea. I was still in love with Middle-Earth, but my love for my friend, and my love for the fair Lady Galadriel was even greater." He sighed, and his voice was filled with deep longing. "But, I understand now. I too desire the sea, for I have seen what lies beyond it! I desire to see it once more, and then find my rest!"

"What is it? What is Valinor like?" Kate asked eagerly.

"It sssoundsss like the mosst beautiful place anyone could imagine," Kira added. Gimli gazed at them, his eyes seeming to see across a great distance.

"I could not tell you," He said finally. "I have not the skill to put the majesty of the Undying Lands into words. If either of you saw but a flash of the land beyond the Sea, you would never find rest anywhere else."

"Oh…wow…my preciousss," Kira said.

"Um…Gimli?" Kate said quietly, and the Dwarf looked up. A slight blush was on the Elf's flawless cheeks. "I…er…" She picked at her perfect nails. "Umm…how has Frodo fared?" she said finally. "With the 'Sues?"

Gimli regarded her for some while before he answered. "Frodo did not deserve to be put through his task even once. Now, he repeats over and over endlessly. He should be free to rest. It should be his right after all he went through, to rest in peace. But they do not let him."

"Poor Frodo…" Kate said, "Going through Mordor time and time again because of those creatures…" and she hissed the last word with such intensity that Éowyn and Gimli stared curiously at her for a few seconds as she glared fiercely into the fire. Kira, who was too used to Kate's fixation for the Ringbearer, only yawned.

"Ssso, where are we going to go after thisss?" she asked. "We've got to sssearch for that Bridge, after all."

"OOH! OOH! I KNOW!" Kate shouted loudly, waving her hand in the air. Gimli and Éowyn jumped, startled by her sudden mood swing.

"Ssssh! My preciouss!" Kira said. "They can hear you all the way in the Sssssshire!"

"Sorry. Why don't we go to Lothlórien? That's a 'Sue hotspot!" Kate said.

Gimli's eyes lit up. "Lórien! Ai, the Golden Wood, land of the Lady Galadriel! Long have I desired to look upon that fair land once more!" he cried joyously.

"Don't you sssee it all the time when you get dragged along with the 'Sssuesss?" Kira asked.

"Sometimes, I do. But half the time the Mary Sues forget I am even supposed to be with the Fellowship, and I am left until I suddenly appear at Amon Hen or the Great River. Or I am lead to some place that we are told is Lothlórien, but resembles nothing more than an ordinary stand of trees. And then I am scolded by those creatures for insulting the Lady Galadriel!" he cried indignantly. "I, who repented for speaking any ill of the Lady of the Golden Wood before their mothers mothers mothers were even beginning to live, am scolded by thoughtless maidens for insulting the Lady!" Gimli's chest swelled with indignance.

"Yeah, they ssssuck, don't they?" Kira said.

"Can you remember what it was like in Lórien with the 'Sues?" Kate asked.

"The memory fades quickly once we leave, or when the 'Sue disappears," Gimli said. "For that I am glad. I am sure I would not want to remember it."

"Lothlórien?" Éowyn said. "I have never beheld the Golden Wood. I have heard tales of its great beauty," she said, smiling wryly at Gimli.

"Well . . . you know, it may be kind of messed up because of the 'Sues," Kate warned. "But I've always wanted to see Lórien too."

"Ssso we'll go there," Kira said. She was relieved. At least now they knew where they were going to check next. The best approach to this was a systematic one. They had to check the whole world, place by place. It would take forever, but there really was no other way.

"Can we go to bed now? I'm tired," Kate said, yawning.

"Certainly. Who wants the first watch?" Éowyn said, looking around. Kate paled.

"W-watches?" she said, although she should have hardly suspected less.

"You said yourself that these 'PPC Agents' are after you. You wouldn't want to be taken by surprise, would you?" Gimli asked.

"No…Guess not," Kate replied.

"I guesss I'll take the firssst watch," Kira said. "But how do I know when it's someone elsssess turn? My sssenssse of time iss horrible."

Kate helped Éowyn bank the fire as Gimli explained to Kira how to tell when her time watching was up and curled up on the softest bit of ground she could find (which was still very hard). She shivered slightly. Barrow-Wight robes weren't very warm. What she wouldn't have given for a good down comforter at the moment…mm, soft, warm blankets that were big enough to lay on and then wrap around for warmth, with enough left over to fold under for a pillow…

But no magical blanket appeared and Kate slowly slipped into a light Elven trance, visions of elusive down comforters blowing away in the cold wind as the stars wheeled overhead.

*****

Kira stared out into the black night, jumping nervously at every sound. Homesickness filled her with a cold ache that wouldn’t go away. The cold night breeze didn’t help either. She wrapped her blanket more tightly around her shoulders. As she sat there, she muttered sadly to herself at times, unheard by her sleeping companions.

She murmured strings of sounds, and songs she knew, and the old phrases her mother was fond of using, but most of it was nonsensical. However, at times…at times…there was an odd tone to her voice…

“It hurtss uss, it hurtss uss, my preciousss. It sstingss, it burnss…”

She kept watch until several hours had passed. Then she woke Gimli for his turn, threw herself onto a patch of thick grass, and fell into a dark and troublesome sleep.

*****

"Kate, wake up."

"Mmph…come back here, stupid blanket…spoot…" the Elf muttered. Éowyn rolled her gray eyes and shook the sleeping girl's shoulder. For an Elf, Kate was remarkably hard to wake up.

How could one sleep splayed out like that? the Shieldmaiden wondered.

"It's your turn at watch. Wake up," Éowyn said firmly, pulling Kate into a sitting position. Kate pried open her eyes and blinked ponderously at Éowyn.

"Oh, hello. I'd hoped it was a dream," she muttered. "There was a blanket in mine."

"Sorry. It is not," Éowyn said. "We gave you the last watch."

"Thanks," Kate muttered, rubbing her sticky eyes. Éowyn sat back against and was soon breathing evenly in her own dreams. Kate yawned and stood up, weaving a bit. Elbereth, but she was tired. Why did morning have to come so darn early?

Éowyn had procured a bit of food for them last night, from Théoden's hall, Kate started nibbling on a hunk of cold bread in the hopes that food would help keep her awake. She wished Éowyn had thought to get them a change of clothes, maybe something like what she was wearing; it looked very warm and comfortable to travel in. Under the current circumstances, however, it wasn't quite safe for a Canon to be in the Hall. The Sues were making everyone out-of-character, and Éowyn didn't want to risk losing herself.

Besides, if she went back, she might lose her temper and kill every last one of them. She couldn't stand seeing what they did to her brother.

It took a considerable amount of time to wake up, but eventually Kate stopped nodding every minute or so. The sky was slowly lightening over a dark cloud in the east, but in the west the sky was deep, clear blue, still studded with white stars. Overhead the sky began to change into a warm coral-pink, shot with deep, fiery orange and bright yellow, which crept slowly westward until the sun burst over the Eastern cloud and banished what was left of the night.

Kate had never seen a sunrise in Middle Earth before.

Come to think of it, she didn't see that many sunrises at all. She was usually fast asleep at this time of day, quite nearly dead to the world. Maybe getting up early wasn't such a bad thing, she thought. She stood up, wincing at the stiffness in her limbs. Sleeping on the ground wasn't much fun. Maybe she could walk it off before the others woke up. They'd be fine without her for a few minutes, she was sure.

Besides, she had to go to the bathroom.

After finding a suitable place to relieve herself and take care of certain hygienic functions, Kate strolled quietly past her comrades to get a good look at the Rohirric plains. A sea of grassy hills stretched around her as far as she could see, the lush grass waving in the breeze. Kate sighed. Middle-Earth was so beautiful. Who in their right mind would want to change it? As the wind blew the grass in waves, making it look like green water, Kate desperately fought against something she'd been trying not to do ever since she landed in Middle Earth.

It's so Sueish… she thought. But I do it all the time at home. And why shouldn't I? After all… I've put work into it. And no one's watching anyway. There's no one here that it would affect…

So with that settled, Kate gave her surroundings a furtive glance, straightened her posture, and started to sing to herself.

At first the quality of the Mary Sue voice, suitable only for the pop tunes Kate's sensitive ear despised, dismayed her. Sure it was beautiful enough, in a bubblegum-pop sort of way, but it was a far cry from her original voice.

One didn't take years of voice and music lessons without gaining any sort of ability to work with sound though. So she kept on, carefully avoiding the Britney Spears and Avril Lavigne songs that were bouncing around in her head.

And slowly, the flat, breathy sound of Fishywishylishiel's voice gave way to the clearer, richer tones that Kate had worked for nearly half her life to develop…